We get mad and beg…why.

We pray.. and we pray – We hope… and we hope. We cry, We laugh, We dream, We mourn, We fight, We love……………………………… and We get mad and beg…why.

As you can see by the above, we’re now 4 short days away from moving into month 26 of trying. 26!! Wow, it’s been a long time we’ve been fighting this infertility shit and sometimes I wonder how we’ve even made it this far. There have been more times than I could possibly count, times that I wanted to just give up, throw in the proverbial white towel, and say ‘I’m done – you win – whoever you are, you win - I can’t take this anymore…’ The pain and heartache is unbelievable, and it does take it’s toll.

Maybe someone out there, reading this right now is thinking to themselves ‘Hmmm, 26 months – could she be more precise? Why is she counting the months?’ Well, let me tell you, 26 months is nothing - when you’ve been fighting this for as long as we have - you could almost recite the days or hours it’s been as well. It consumes you, there’s no way to ‘put it aside and think about something else for a change’. Let’s take a look at that now:

CD 1 – 6 = Have a daily/hourly reminder of your infertility, with the period you’re experiencing
CD 6 – 15 = You have nothing but thoughts about when you will be ovulating and hoping you catch the elusive egg this month
CD 15 – 27 = You’re in the dreaded 2 week wait – looking for symptoms, praying with everything you have that this will be your month. You’re Dr has told you to pretend you’re pregnant, until you know otherwise, so how would you not be thinking about it for this 2 weeks!?

I’d love to see anyone go through that, and not think about it daily and or have it consume your life.

Yesterday fertility friend said ‘You’re past your usual luteal phase length, you may take a test, you may be pregnant’. It wasn’t fooling me however – my temps had slowly been dropping for the past few days, and I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would show her face. I knew it was coming – though we all remain hopeful, right up until the last minute. I was even thinking that maybe this month I wouldn’t cry, I’d be fine, after all, things are starting to happen and with IVF possibly in our future, it’ll happen, eventually, right?

When I get my period, I don’t usually cry right away, but I do get angry – at the world, at God, angry at the unfairness of it all. Like last night, I got my period, told Dusty, then went downstairs and worked out – punishing my body for betraying me, yet again. The 'angry' doesn’t last too long though, it’s just a mechanism I use when I don’t have the time in that moment, to cry.

After I had my bath and was about to go to bed, I lost it. I reached out to my husband and held on, as the tears started coming. We climbed into bed and Dusty held me as the pain tears through my body, as it has, every month for the past 2 years. I ask him questions such as: ‘What if we aren’t meant to have babies together?’ … ‘What if it never happens?’ … ‘Why does it have to hurt so much?’

We laid there, with me crying and Dusty holding me, for a good hour. We talked about how much this entire situation sucks, how frustrating it is that not may people understand the pain. We know full well that those who have not experienced it, will never understand it, but sometimes, it also feels like they don’t want to understand it. Friends and family both, have officially started avoiding the topic entirely, pretending that everything is fine – or perhaps dreading talking about it, again. To an infertile, that’s the worst thing you can do. We’re going through one of the worst things any couple can go through, a serious crisis. We could personally talk about it day in and day out - talking helps us deal with the emotions we're experiencing and the feelings of isolation. Do they feel like they’ve heard enough about it? Do they think we’re whining and should just relax? If we were going through a different crisis, let’s say a death in the family – would they avoid the subject? Pretend like nothing happened? Think we’re whining when we bring it up? How about cancer? Would they get sick of hearing about it? To us, it’s all the same, a crisis is a crisis, no matter of the ‘title’ of it.

Thank God for our infertile friends, as bad as that sounds. Shannon, Natalie and Kim - they're my shoulders to cry on, my ears to vent to and my friends who completely understand what we're going through. A quote from Natalie, which I couldn't have said better if I tried:

'It's kinda funny how life works...you seem to meet the best people in the roughest times. Having met you all now, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything........(except maybe an exact date of when my children are going to finally arrive!) I have such a tremendous amount of respect for each and every one of you ladies!!!'

I think it's going to be really interesting when we do get up and running and ‘go public’ with this whole thing. I’m sure there will be many, many people standing beside us as we go through it, but there will be some, who will think that there are better causes out there, that we’re pathetic and begging for money. Will those comments hurt? Sure they will! But will they stop us from continuing to go public and inform people? No, they won’t. We’re in this until the bitter end, there is no stopping us. We’re fighting for those out there, who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.

I have to say, I have the best husband in the world, hands down – sorry ladies, he does have a brother though, if you're interested(Advertising for brother Amos hehe). When I get my period, he knows the range of emotions I go through and knows when to stay back and when to reach out and catch me before I fall. He knew last night, when I announced that I got my period, that I was angry about it and didn’t want to talk. But, he also knew that before bed, it was time to step in a catch me.

He says things that just break my heart, like: ‘I’m sorry, I feel like I’m letting you down’ …or: ‘I wish I could do something to take your pain away’. I know this is hurting him, just as much as it’s hurting me, and that sucks. I’d be more than willing to be the one to take the pain – after all, we’re women, we’re stronger, right? He doesn’t need to hurt or feel sorry for what’s happening to us – I experience enough pain for the both of us – as long as he’s there to hold me when I need him, I’ll take the pain. If only things were that easy. As I know, with 100% certainty, that he would do the same for me – take all the pain so I don’t have to go through it each and every month.

I know we’re soul mates, and each time I look into his eyes, I see our unborn children and pray for the day I can finally give them to him.

Quote


Quote of the Day
"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."


She’s so cute!


I sent my Mom the last part of my journal and here’s what she had to say:

Thank you for sharing your diary with me dear - I am so sad that I can't fix things for my kids. I want you all to be happy and fulfilled!
I am always willing to talk to you if you need to share - anytime. You can always give me a quick call at work and I can phone you back later, if that works better for the timing.
I still have a firm belief that it will happen for you two - I visualize you pregnant, what you will name the baby, whether it will be a girl or a boy etc. It just feels so right, for want of a better word. I will keep believing and wishing and hoping and praying and threatening and whatever it takes until it does happen. Be well, be strong, stand side-by-side always and Believe!

She’s so cute!

Closer to going public


Well, it's getting closer and closer to 'going public' with this battle. As it gets closer, I find myself getting... anxious... nervous, yet excited. I know we're going to get some rude comments from ignorant people, but, we also have a lot of people standing beside us and ready to help in any way they can.

I'm excited because it'll finally be out in the open, no more hiding, no more pretending that we're OK at all times. I also realized the other night, just how passionate I am about Infertility and everything that goes along with it. I had a client ask 'So, what about this baby stuff for you guys, it's just not going to work, are you going to give up now?'. I know she didn't say it to be mean, but my oh my, I sure took it as being mean and rude. See, that's what I've been talking about all along, people saying things that aren't meant to be mean, but, because they don't know any better, they really are mean things to say.

Since it's so close to going public, I told her about it. I told her we're tired of being quiet and fighting it alone. I told her that we want to get the word out there about this, to help others fighting it, know that there is help out there and there are people they can at least talk to and who understand what they're going through. I could see in her eyes that she just didn't really understand. I went on to say how hard it's been, how out of the last 2 years, I've had to pretend that I was pregnant, for one year of that (with our Drs telling us to 'pretend we are until we know differently') Again, it wasn't 'hitting home' so I said 'OK, imagine your kids.... imagine you didn't have them and that you never knew that love.... That's what 'We' deal with on a daily basis..' To which she replied 'Wow...' and changed the subject. I'm not sure if she understands, but I now know...how much I'm willing to fight for this. I guess when Infertility hasn't touched you personally, you will never really get it, or may not even care to 'get it', for that matter. That's the issue I'm going to have with this entire thing - dealing with the frustrations of people not getting it, not even pretending to. It's just hard, I'm in the middle of it, fighting it with all I have, so it's hard for me to contemplate people who don't understand. Time to learn a little patience or maybe at least get a punching bag to beat on after dealing with it!? hehe

I've sent this journal to a friend of mine, Chelsey. I mentioned her in the beginning, the one who went off the pill and got pregnant the same month - with twins!? We've kinda lost contact a bit since she moved to Chilliwack, and I thought it was about time to get back in touch with her - I miss her. She finally started reading my journal (where she finds the time with 2 year old twins, I don't know!?) and she sent me a message the other night - this is what it said: 'I'm on page 27 and my heart aches for you.' Ah Chels, how I miss thee.. :)

It's amazing, when most people just hear about us having issues getting pregnant, they offer useless/hurtful advice and think of it as no big deal. I remember telling someone that we were having issues and she replied to me 'Don't worry, it took my Mom 3 years (??) to get pregnant with me...' <-- I'm sorry, but was that meant to make me feel better!? You'd be amazed at how many people have said something to that effect when they hear about us having troubles. We infertiles should write up a list of things non infertiles can say to us when they find out.... things like:
~ I'm sorry you're having such problems, is there anything I can do? or...
~ Do you want to talk about it? or...
~ I want to hear all about it....
Ah. maybe one day... :)

You know, I HATE what Infertility has done to me!!
~ It's robbed me of feeling joy for other peoples pregnancies
~ I now have a loss of control over how I get pregnant
~ It makes me cry at random times - just comes out of the blue
~ I'm angry that I'm going to have to pay A LOT of money in order to, hopefully, get pregnant
~ I get very frustrated with people who don't understand, no matter how I try to explain it
~ I'm angry that it consumes my life
~ I'm angry that very loving couples who are desperate to have children, have to fight so hard and might still end up without
~ I'm angry that I have to take medication in hopes of getting pregnant

So much crap we have to go through, for such a simple miracle. That's what it is, a simple miracle. Look around you, talk to other people, women get pregnant each n every day, easily and even when they want to. It's not a hard thing to do - it happens to millions of women everyday - and yet here we are - 26 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache and tears. I'm not asking to win the lottery, I'm not asking for a perfect life, I'm not asking for my boobs to grow 2 sizes over night (though that would be nice hehe) - I'm only asking for something, that so many others have and yet take for granted.

PS - On a side note, I'm really nervous about my friend, Christina. She sent me a very cryptic message today, saying they got some 'not so good news about the babies' - and it's killing me not knowing. She had another ultrasound to go to today, to hopefully get 'diagnosed' (whatever that means) and she said she'd let me know what happens from that. Well, it's 9PM now, and I haven't heard a word from her.......... I'm thinking nothing but happy thoughts for her and their babies - I hope nothing is wrong and whatever it is they thought it was, was a big mistake. *crossing fingers*

Octuplets

Octuplets!!!!?


Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.

Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!?

Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).

This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.

OK, I'll stop there, mostly cuz I feel my blood pressure raising, but, I might type more later, after watching more of the interview.

This woman is giving IVF a bad name. Some people already have issues with the entire IVF debate, thinking that you 'shouldn't mess with nature'. Now this, is only making it harder for those of us who actually need it in order to have children of our own. Very loving, hard working couples, who would do anything if only to be given a chance to have a baby. It's so frustrating, and I just hope others don't think that that is what IVF is all about - selfish-ness.

Octuplets!!!!?


Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.

Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!? Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).

This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.

OK, I'll stop there, mostly because I feel my blood pressure raising.