Our 2nd IUI

Cycle day 4 - Oh into another cycle.... the joys of it all. :) Well, I went into the Fertility Clinic on Wednesday for a cycle day 2 scan. Seems we got the 'all clear' the cysts are gone - YAY! Though, that just brought up more questions. I've been debating it for awhile now - about just going at it on our own, or just try the Clomid again. And, I must say, the ONLY reason why I was thinking this way, was the whole financial issue of going through another IUI. If I had buckets of money, I sure wouldn't be even entertaining those thoughts. The $1000+ a month to do this - man, I'm going to have to get a third job in order to keep up with it all - and Dusty too. Why, why does our medical not offer much help with this whole process? Sure, we get some help, which is better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot, but still. We paid a total of $910.00 last month, to which we'll only be getting back $280.00. And, the first IUI will probably turn out to be cheaper than this one, as the first one we got 3 of the Gonal F shots free of charge, as the clinic had some left overs in the fridge.

After my internal scan, Dr H wanted me in his office to discuss everything. He said, that aside from not getting pregnant, that our first IUI was perfect. He wants us to do another, just like it. He is super paranoid about us having multiples though, as he was printing off yet another form to fill out, stating we know the risks. I just giggled and said we already signed one. I asked him about maybe doing an IUI with Clomid this time instead. He said the odds of that working were very low, and he also said something else about it, but I can't remember for the life of me what it was.

I also thought it was about time to ask about my working our schedule. If maybe that could be affecting our chances of conceiving. When I explained how much I workout, lifting weights 4 - 5 days a week and doing cardio/going for a run, 5 or 6 days a week.. well, he finally understood. He said I need to cut my workout schedule in half, and after the IUI - no more cardio. No more cardio - that's gonna kill me. Most people would be overjoyed about a Dr telling them they can't workout - not me. I'm a Personal Trainer, in my eyes, as well as my clients and potential clients, eyes, I need to be in shape. I have one issue with it - I LOVE MY FOOD. It's the only reason I do cardio in the first place. Now, on top of everything, I'm going to have to watch what I eat - CRAP hehe Oh well, it might help in the IUI working this time, so I'm all for it.

I have since emailed Dr H and asked a couple questions, to which I'm still waiting for a reply....
1 Will acupuncture help us with our IUI
2 Are there other medications, aside from Gonal F, that would be just as good, but cheaper?
3 Just for shits n giggles I also asked what the odds were of an IUI working, with just Clomid and maybe 1 or 2 shots of Gonal F - I've read others who have done that!?

I hope he replies to me today - as tomorrow is cycle day 5 and I need to go into the clinic and get/pay for our meds for the month.

We're heading to Duncan today to discuss with Mom and Dad about our cruise/honeymoon. <-- We've talked about all 5 of us going, with Mariah staying in the cabin with them. They have offered to pay for everyones flights, and to me, that sounds fabulous - especially with the added costs of these fertility treatments. We'll talk about it and hopefully book something soon. Dusty and I will then know how much of our $4000 will be used for our trip. For this IUI, because we want to make sure we have enough money for our trip, we're paying for it with my Visa - OUCH.

Well, onto more hurry up n wait................... come on Dr H, answer my email...

Maybe I do have the hardest part in this battle..

Cycle day 5 - Well, it's official, we're moving on with our second IUI. We went to the clinic today and picked up our Gonal F. I was nervous going there, as I knew I needed more than one Pen of Gonal F (one Pen being 4 shots). When she was filling the needles, she realized that one Pen wasn't going to cut it, as I was supposed to start them today, and go in again for another ultrasound on Friday - that would be 5 shots. I had asked about women buying more than they needed, then maybe selling it at a discount. She said women don't usually do that, if they have extra, they usually just donate it back to the clinic. She filled 4 needles, then decided to talk to Dr H. They decided to keep me at the 4 shots, then come back in on Thursday, instead of Friday, and we'll go from there. Hopefully, like last month, if I need more, they'll have extras in their fridge. *crossing fingers*

Oh how I hate the needles. I talked to Clementine (Dr H’s daughter) at the clinic. We were talking about how unfair it is that us women have to get poked and prodded, and the men...... nothing. We figure that men should have to have needles or at least a placebo pill up their butts - I'm all over that one. :)

I remember when I first started this journal and how I said that I didn't have the hardest part in this battle. That's when we thought that the issue laid with Dusty. That has now changed, he doesn't have the hardest part in this process, I do. We're diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility, meaning that they don't know why we're not getting pregnant, but that means that I now have the hardest part. I'm the one who has to have needles for a week, I'm the one who has to be forced to ovulate, with yet another needle. I'm the one who has to be insperminated and then, I'm the one who has to shove pills up my... whoo ha, for 2 weeks following the IUI. Seriously people, whatever happened to just plain ol having unprotected sex and getting pregnant? Oh you people who can do it that way, please, don't EVER complain about pregnancy issues, as there are those of us out there that would do anything to experience them. Or again, please don't complain about the lack of sleep once your baby comes, as many of us, would do give up anything, just to stay up all night long with a baby of our own.

Damn needles.............


Only 2 eggs this time?


Cycle day 15 - 3 DPO - Wow, I guess it's been awhile since I've written in here - my bad. 10 days to be exact. Where does the time go?

Well, what can I say about what's happened in the past 10 days? Well, I did Gonal F again, though we had a 'Pen' good for 4 shots, but because the clinic would just pre fills needles for us, I wrecked a needle. They put tape on the end of the syringe, and when I went to take it off, I pushed the plunger <-- I almost cried. That was a $120.00 shot. Anyways, obviously I had to go back to the clinic, after I explained what I did. They were super good about it and gave me free shots of Pergonal, which is the same thing as Gonal F, just a different company makes it.

I was good, I usually feel bad about mentioning anything about my cycles, as I don't want to get Dr H mad. Don't get me wrong, he's never been mad at me before, I just didn't want him thinking that I was telling him how to do his job. Anyways, I finally told him that when I get a positive on the OPK's, I usually ovulate that day or the very next day - usually CD 12 or 13. He was glad I told him, as it has a lot to do with the timing of an IUI.

I went to the clinic on CD 11 - to check my eggs and while I was there, I peed and they ran an ovulation test on it. Turns out I only have 2 eggs this month and I got a positive on the test. I was hoping Dr H could tell me why I only had 2 eggs, compared to the 5 the last time, but, it was a no go. He said every cycle is different.

Off we went to the other side of the clinic, and straight away I was given the HCG shot to force me to ovulate. Now, you might be asking yourself, why give me the shot, when I was about to ovulate on my own!? Well, that shot also helps mature the eggs and make them grow just a bit more before they're released. And, I guess, some people have gotten a positive on an OPK and not ovulated. We're spending a lot of money on this - let's do it right. And, we were scheduled for the IUI at 10:15 the next morning. That meant that Dusty had to be there at 8AM Sunday morning to... donate.

We were at the clinic on time and man, the waiting room was packed. Poor Dr H, working 7 days a week - weekends, holidays, stat holidays, it doesn't matter. Womens cycles don't stop for weekends and holidays, so neither does he. We got into a room right away - I was impressed. I did my usual and stripped from the waist down and climbed up onto the table. Well, little did we know that there was going to be an issue with a couple embryos, which would delay our appointment by over an hour. Yup, I laid, half naked, on the table for over an hour - what a treat. Turns out, about 20 minutes into our wait I had to go pee. So, figuring he's going to want an empty bladder anyways, I wrapped the blanket around my waist and headed to the washroom. <-- I had noticed a couple going into a room together, across from the bathroom, and thought nothing of it. That was, until I went back to our room and Dusty told me that was the ... donation room. <-- If we have to do this again, I'm so going with him LOL Cheer the little guys on!

Finally our time came and Dr H came in and showed me the sample - to show that it was Dustys name on the vial. Indeed it was, with a count of 12,000,000 and motility of 96% - go lil guys go!! Though I think Dr H called them 'warriors' or something hehehe The IUI went off without a hitch - though there was a quick pinch that was enough to make me jump - ouch! :) I laid there for another 10 - 20 minutes and off we went.

I was super lazy for the rest of the day - though I did have to go Costco shopping as they were going to be closed the next day. But, I waited until the last possible minute to go - at least 4 - 5 hours after the IUI. I then came straight home and laid down pretty much for the rest of the evening. I was also pretty lazy on Monday as well (Monday being Labour Day). I haven't done any cardio since last Thursday, a week tomorrow. It hasn't been as hard as I thought.

Just over the weekend-ish, I also didn't have my usual sugary/cheat weekend and I haven't had any coffee since last Thursday. Now I know I am doing everything I can humanly do............ the rest is out of my hands.

So, that takes me until today - 3DPO. I started the progesterone this morning, oh what a freakin joy those are!? <-- Read: not so much - at all! Today is the 3rd of September and I have to go for a blood pregnancy test on the 15th to find out if this worked or not. 12 days - not so long in most peoples eyes, but, when you're in this position, it's the longest 2 weeks of your life!


I'm sorry, but there's NO sympathy from this girl


Cycle Day 21 - 9DPIUI/DPO - Wow, I'm getting pretty bad at writing in here, sorry all. I'm not sure why I haven't written as often in here!? I think the biggest part, aside from forgetting (hehe) is that I don't really have anything to report. I don't want to write in here and completely bore everyone - I'm sure you have better things to do with your time. Also, yes, I'm having 'symptoms' BUT they're probably from the lovely progesterone I take daily or the added hormones from the Gonal F and the Ovidrel.

I have noticed more bloating and a bit of weight gain <-- NOT happy about that, but it's also a side effect from the Gonal F <-- it is a hormone after all. So not only am I not pregnant, yet, I'm also getting fatter - fabulous, couldn't be happier.

Ok, symptoms so far (that I'm 99.9% sure are related to the hormones): sore ta ta's and nipples, bloating, weight gain, cramps, nausea, and easily irritable. <-- I know, you're all jealous out there, you wish you were me, right? Ok, so, to top those off, I have a couple more to add to the list - that I'm not sure WTF they came from!? Let's try a stuffy nose off and on during the nights for the last couple nights. It only happens when I'm sleeping, no other time. A few times, I've eaten a lot, and then within 1/2 hour to an hour tops, I'm super hungry again!? <-- Now that's something I don't need, considering I'm already gaining weight without that! And, to top it off, for the last three nights I have had some pretty funky dreams! I don’t usually remember my dreams, but lately I have, and at least 3 of them have involved Dusty being mean to me - to which I woke up at 2AM this morning, crying because of it. Sooooo strange. In another dream last night, not the one of Dusty being mean(hehe), there was something about positive pregnancy tests!? Ah, let's hope that was me being psychic. Talk about weird though............

Another thing I could talk about: Christina is now 8 weeks pregnant and is suffering from morning sickness. <-- She sent me an email this morning, telling me about it, complaining about it. Who does she think I am!? I'm sorry, but there's NO sympathy from this girl - you're sooo looking in the wrong direction if you think you're going to be getting sympathy from someone who has been trying (unsuccessfully) for almost 2 years to get pregnant in the first place. I told her straight off that I don't feel sorry for her - that 'd do ANYTHING to be suffering with morning sickness myself. She replied with something like : she knows that I'd do anything to be in her shoes right now, but it just doesn't seem real to her, She feels like its more of some bug she's picked up, and not that she has a baby growing inside her. <-- I can see her point, but still, please don't ever complain to me about being pregnant - whether she feels pregnant or not - I know she is and it's hard for me. She'll only make it worse if she starts complaining about her symptoms and such.

Ok, I vented about my pregnant friend, I'm good to go now...

Also, I'm usually terrified to pee on sticks, as I'm scared shitless of a BFN. This time, I've decided to work my way up, to get over the fear, be wild, be crazy! Today is only 9 DPIUI and I peed on a stick - just for shits n giggles - I truly wasn't expecting anything but a negative, and that is what I got. It didn't upset me at all though, which is a start for me. I figure I'll pee on one every other day until I go for the blood test on 15DPIUI - 6 sleeps from now. Praying that 11DPIUI or 13DPIUI a second, beautiful line will appear..................... *dreaming*


I seriously have my hopes up this time

15 DPIUI - Well, it's blood test day - can you say Oh my Gawd I think I'm going to puke!? I went in for my blood test at 8AM - I've just now gotten home from work. Dusty is going to be home any minute now, as he wants to be here when I call the clinic for the results of the test. I can't believe how nervous I am.

I have been peeing on sticks since 9 DPIUI and they've all been negative - even this mornings. Yesterday when I got the negative test, I cried, but my temp had also gone down by 0.2 as well. I thought for sure we were out of the game, yet again, I cried with Dusty and then sucked it up and told myself to keep my chin up, until we know what the test result is.

When I woke up this morning, my temp had actually gone up, only from 98.4 to 98.5, but hey - 15 DPIUI and it has to be a good thing to not be going down further, right? I was totally expecting my temperature to be even lower than it was yesterday. So maybe that's why the negative HPT didn’t upset me this morning? That, and I read a thing last week that its quite common to get negative HPT's until after a few days to a week after your period is due. Here's hoping I'm one of those too. I had to drink some Pepto this morning as my stomach was hurting - stress of the upcoming test? Also, have had a wee headache off and on all day as well as feeling dizzy/fuzzy headed and yucky at work - more stress? Please no, let it be pregnancy or both pregnancy and the stress of the test.

I seriously have my hopes up this time and that's never really happened, not this late in the game. I'm so scared to call the clinic - after having nothing but negatives for the past 20 months, is it too much to ask for to finally expect a positive? It's about our time isn't it?

Well, Dusty is now home. He told me to call the clinic right away. I said 'No, go shower first - I'm going to be crying either way, and I'm not huggin you like that, dirty man'. When he comes down, I'll call.................. I'm literally shaking.................


The pain, the sadness, the complete hopelessness

1 hour later: The clinic finally called me back, after they didn't have the results yet when I called. It's negative - AGAIN. I couldn't even finish the phone call after she said negative, I started crying and handed the phone to Dusty. I'm soo incredibly sad.............. I can't explain it to someone who has never been in this position................the pain, the sadness, the complete hopelessness, the feeling of losing yet another baby.............

And, to top it off, Dr H is going away for a couple weeks now - so we're definitely out for another IUI this month. Back to our 5% chance of conceiving - again, so sad....................


We're forced to just try au natural


Least the last entry was short and sweet!? hehehe It's just how I felt at the time, so it's what I write. I want this to be a very real, in your face view of what a couple goes through, I don't want to hold anything back, or pretend I'm ok, when in fact - for that day - I'm not.

But, life goes on as they say. I'm not sure whether to count today as CD 1 or 2!? Started off spotting yesterday, knew it was getting heavier by bedtime last night - so what does that make today? Holy confusing Batman. I think.............. we shall call today........... CD 2 - ta heck with it - it's my period - I'll call it what I want to! hahaha

CD 2........... just under 2 weeks from it being month 22 of trying - wow, where does the time go? Sometimes it feels like it's been forever, but then when I think about it, sometimes it doesn't seem like that long at all. As much as the time seems to drag, it's actually going pretty fast. I guess that's a good thing, in the whole scheme of TTC. The faster it goes, the quicker I get pregnant - least, that's what I tell myself.

This month, as said above, we're forced to just try au natural. No Dr H = no IUI. Though I still might call the clinic and ask to get a internal ultrasound in the next day or 2, to see if I have cysts from the meds this past cycle. If not, then I might just do a round of clomid <-- Just makes me feel like I'm doing something, anything. I feel more in control that way. I'm not a control freak or anything, it's just that, if I don't do something, I'll feel as if we aren't trying that hard - or something. OK, that made sense, in MY head. Anyways, I'll call the clinic after work today and see what they say.

Also, I'm going to keep up with the progesterone for sure - as without it my LP is too short and is unlikely that implantation would have time to take place. But, if I continue with that, am I going to have to go for a blood pregnancy test every month, so I know if I can stop taking it and get my period.? To know with 100% accuracy that I'm not pregnant, and CAN stop it!? Who knows, I guess I'll ask Dr H in a couple weeks - see what he says!



The courses I have

CD 7 - Not much new to report - same ol same ol.

Actually, I just passed all 3 courses I signed up for: Fitness Fertility Specialist & Training for Delivery & Weight Loss After Pregnancy - go Shawna go. Now though, I want to take more courses, but I can't seem to find any. Also, I'm going to send Dr H a list of the certificates I do have and see if I can leave some cards at the office, as a way of advertising. The only issue he might have with that is that his daughter also does something on the side, from the clinic. We'll see I guess. Here's a list of the certificates I now have:

Fitness Fertility Specialist
Training For Delivery
Weight Loss After Pregnancy
Pre and Post Natal Exercise Design
Fitness Theory and Exercise Physiology
Strength Training
Nutrition Specialist
Weight Management
Breast Cancer Recovery Training

Hmmm, going to have to see if I can find more courses - maybe a Mom and Baby Exercise course!? :)

As for the whole trying to get pregnant thing - yup, we're still trying, doing our best, what more can be done!? I KNOW it'll happen for us, I just pray it happens soon - preferably before I need a walker to get around. :)

Dustys Mom sent me an email a couple days ago. When she was in a horrible car accident, she had gotten a book about visualization and making changes for the better. She explained it to me - like: positive thoughts, bring positive results. That's a no brainer, but still, made me think. Sure, I'm a pretty positive person most of the time, but, when you really think about it, there are times I have some very negative thoughts. Like when I talk to Christina I start thinking 'Will it ever happen to us?' or 'When is it our turn' or even 'Why isn't that me?'. Those aren't very positive thoughts, but they're hard to turn around. Since the email from Susan, I've been making a much better, conscience, effort to change those thoughts. I change them from that, to 'It will happen to us - come on baby - we're ready'.


Dr H gave us our 3 options


Cycle day 15 & 4DPO - Hello again. Just writing to tell about our appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday. Dr H gave us our 3 options: continue trying on our own, do another IUI or move to IVF. Trying on our own has depressing odds, and we'll never be able to afford IVF, so one more IUI it is. Dr H says that he's going to go a bit more aggressive this time. Start off with a higher dose of the meds for the first couple days and see what happens. The first time we did an IUI, I had 5 eggs - but the second time, I only had 2. The more the merrier, bring on 6 or 7 I say! :)

We're going to have to ask for help from Mom and Dad on this one. If we were to pay for it out of our honeymoon fund, we won't be going on one at all. Mom and Dad have offered to help (Mom says as long as she has some say in the naming of the kids hehe) so it looks like it's time to ask. This will be our last IUI for awhile.............. not sure if Dr H will do more than 3 or not, but we really can't afford to do anymore, least not for awhile.

And - what is it with Dr's feeling they have the need to depress their patients? Man am I tired of that. I had a Dr years ago, when I went in for a problem, say, 'Well, I think it may be Crohns disease, let's run some tests and see..'. OMG I was scared. I knew people who had died from that disease, plus I know people still fighting it. To top it off it took 6 weeks to find out..... I didn't have it. Phew. Anyways, Dr H told us yesterday, 'I don't know why you guys haven't gotten pregnant yet, you have a mild sperm issue, but not one that should prevent you from getting pregnant. Your odds now, of conceiving on your own, are about 50% in the next 5 years.' <--- WTF!? Why would you even tell someone that? I didn't need to know that, Dusty didn't need to know that. We both could have went the rest of our lives, not knowing that and yet he felt the need to tell us. Do Drs say that shit to snap you back to reality? Or maybe they say it to keep your hopes low? I don't know why they say it, and I wish they wouldn't. Obviously I had a wee cry after that news. Seriously.......... I don't know how couples go through years and years and years of fighting this battle - they are my heroes. I, on the other hand, will only continue on this path for about the next year - after that - I think I'll call it a done deal and move on, baby or no baby. That will devastate both Dusty and I, but really, how long are we expected to go through this? After another year for us, that puts it at 3 years of trying, we would have given it our all, tried everything we can - not much more to be expected.

Anyways, enough of that depressing thought process........

After our appointment at the clinic, Dusty and I had appointments for acupuncture. Oh the joys of getting needles jabbed into every part of your body. Seriously, I had 17 needles last night: 1 in my scalp at the top of my head, 1 right between my eyes, 1 in each wrist and 5 needles in my feet/up my legs (in both legs). I swear I was a human pin cushion. It's pretty relaxing though. after they're in and you get to just lay there for 20-ish minutes. After the needles came out, she put some 'point' in my ears. I have 2 in each ear - it's like a little band aid with a magnet in them - to 'support my fertility'. My acupuncturist said they want ot make sure that my body is completely ready for the upcoming IUI at the end of this month (October). Also, I was given a moxa stick to light and move around by my belly button/ovaries/uterus and some 'herbs' that I have to take twice a day - 14 in the morning and 14 in the evening!! <-- OMG, like I don't already take enough meds/drugs, lets add an additional 28 to the daily dose. Pin cushion, pill popper - what next? hehehe

PS - I've ordered a stress reliever ball - in the shape of a HUGE sperm <-- that ought to help!? :)



3 sleeps before we find out if we have to move onto our final IUI


Cycle day 21 & 10 DPO - Nothing too much new to report - just wanted to touch base - let you know I haven't forgotten about y'all. 3 more sleeps until my next blood pregnancy test. Not worried about it - as I'm pretty much expecting it to be a BFN - as this is an au natural cycle. Though I must admit, I hate the blood pregnancy tests - it's just more nerve wracking when a stranger on the other end of a phone line, is the one who's going to tell you if you're pregnant or not. If I had a choice, if it were a negative month, I'd much rather just get my period and know that way. It still sucks, but for some reason, it's easier. Though, when it's a positive, then by all means, anyone and everyone can tell me. :)

As of today, I haven't really had any symptoms, not too shocked. Thought I think it was 6DPO I was sitting on the toilet, hovering over the garbage can at the same time. Must have been some sort of bug, as nothing like it has happened since. Aside from that, I had sore boobs for a day and a half and have had a headache almost everyday for the past week or 2 <-- but that could be a withdrawal symptom from the meds from the last IUI!? Who knows. I don't get all excited about 'symptoms' anymore, as pregnancy symptoms and PMS are so similar, it's unfair. That, and until I get a 'symptom' that I haven't had before, I'm not going to get my hopes up.

3 sleeps before we find out if we have to move onto our final IUI.................. let's hope we don't need it.


Not pregnant, again

Well, it's official, I'm not pregnant, again, so it'll be us, starting our 3rd and final IUI within the next few days. I went for my blood test yesterday morning, expecting it to be a BFN, but that didn't take the sting out of it when I heard a woman at the fertility clinic, tell me it was negative. I had my usual cry, with Dusty, and then carried on. Though I'm always a bit ..... quiet, angry, upset, sad, for the rest of the day.