The initial trying

The initial trying

We grow up with our peers, parents, grandparents and basically anyone who we'd meet, telling us how easy it is to get pregnant. It almost made it sound like one look across a crowded room, one touch, and that's it, you'd be pregnant. Well, it may have been that way, when I was 17 - considering I came home at that age to announce I was pregnant. OK, I just lied, I didn’t come home an announce anything, I was scared shitless of telling my parents, so I went back to work after my Dr appointment, and got my sister to tell my parents I was pregnant. That's right, I took the chicken shit way out.

I had always heard about the struggles some couples would go through, trying to get pregnant, but really, that hardly ever happens, right!? Wrong! It happens more than you know. Infertility happens to many couples, every year. I remember thinking, (many years ago) that if a couple was having fertility issues, that maybe they just weren't meant to have babies and should give up and adopt. After all, aren't there tons of kids out there needing a good home!? Now, don't get me wrong, adoption is a selfless act, that I myself would even consider - should I ever be able to afford it. See, you don't find these things out until you're having issues with getting pregnant on your own. In Vitro, among other assisted techniques, can cost anywhere from $1000 - $10,000 to start. And adoption, I looked it up online once - adoption can cost up to $30,000. OK, one quick question here - if there are so many kids out there, waiting to be adopted, then why don't they make it more ... available? Alright, going off topic a bit, sorry.

Ah, to get pregnant, back on track once more. After the first couple months and nothing happening, a person actually starts to obsess more and more. 'Why isn't this happening?' 'What are we doing wrong?' 'Should we be doing something different?' You start googling 'pregnancy', trying to find all the information you can. How many of you women have googled 'pregnancy symptoms' about 10 times in the two week wait!? And out of those who did, tell me, how many of those symptoms did you end up having? Might have started out with one, a little 'spiedy sense' in the back of your head, teasing you into thinking that this could be the month!? Ahhh, and along came that damn AF(period) - rearing her ugly head once again. But you were so sure. That one twinge of nausea, and that's it, you were pregnant. Hahaha I laugh, but you know, ladies, I was one of the best. I swear our bodies trick us into the symptoms, make us think we've finally done it. My body must think it's hilarious - because the rest of me sure doesn't.

We're told by Drs, when we first start trying, to 'pretend your pregnant, until you find out differently'. Hmmm, easy for them to say. We 'pretend' we are, which, I swear, only tricks out bodies into coming up with more and more symptoms - pulling them out our butts, if you will. All of a sudden we have two, or three symptoms. What? I've never had sore breasts this early before, and the other day I didn't feel too good, oh yeah, and that headache....... YES - I've finally been blessed - we've done it. Then, CRAP - here comes AF again! What the hell is my period doing here, when I'm so obviously pregnant, you ask yourself. Is this a real period!? Maybe it's implantation bleeding!? Let's go ahead and google that for the next few days and pray that that's what's going on. Come on ladies, admit it, we've all done it.

When I talked to my Dr once, he told me it's very common for a woman to bleed and still be pregnant. I have to say - what the hell? How are we to ever truly know we're pregnant - I mean, without a Drs test?

This thing just keeps getting harder and harder. And more and more complicated as the days pass. Until you're in this situation, you would never have guessed that it even goes on. I have people, well meaning friends and family, tell me stuff like: 'It'll happen, don't worry' or 'Stop stressing about it, think about something else, then it'll happen' or one of the best 'If it's meant to be, it'll happen, relax.' You know who says those kinds of things? Come on, you know who they are - they're the women who took an entire 2 weeks to get pregnant, that's who. I know they mean well, I know they love me and want to see us get pregnant, but, in all honesty, say something like that to me again, I might have to hurt you.

We want to have a baby so bad, and have been trying for so long, and all that's coming from the efforts right now are: frustration, anger, confusion, feeling hopeless and, one day, every month, a good, hard cry.

OK, I’m making it sound totally more dramatic than it is. You know what, it’s true, there are those feelings, but they don’t happen everyday or anything. There is the odd day that I only think about getting pregnant(or being pregnant) about 5 or 6 times a day – as opposed to the 15 – 20 times some other days bring. :O)

Our first Dr appt

Alright, and on and on it went. Month after month of trying, and nothing happening. Spending hours on a computer, googling everything I can think of, pertaining with getting, or being, pregnant. Hitting that two week mark and knowing the next two weeks were the ‘make it or break it’ section of the month. Changing things, ever so slightly. A little less coffee during the day, not pushing myself so hard on my morning run, if I get a headache – I stopped taking Advil and took Tylenol instead. Ah, if men only knew the shit we have to go through. They so have the easy part of this whole thing. Though, later on, you’ll see, my husband doesn’t have the easiest part of this, so I can't complain.

It was actually my husband who was suggesting, no, scratch that, he was bugging me, to finally call and make an appointment with a Dr. Go talk to a Dr and see what’s going on, run some tests, make sure things are in working order. So, we finally did. We went to the Dr together – have I mentioned that my husband is the best ever!? He knows this entire process involves both of us, not just one, and he fully admits that – such a sweetie.

Well, we go to the Dr and tell him that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for about a year now, and, obviously, nothing has happened. He asks us some general questions, health-wise and then tells us he’s going to run some tests. Me, I’ll have a bunch of blood work to do to make sure everything is working as it should. Dusty, on the other hand, isn’t getting blood work done – can anyone guess what he has to do!? Come on, I bet most of you can guess. That’s right, a sperm analysis or, as the Dr called it, a ‘spunk test’ hahaha
Dusty comes with me, to hold my hand while they drain me of blood, but I, on the other hand, am not able to go hold Dusty hand for his test. Hahaha Sorry, had to be said. I mean, we both work during the day, and he has to have his ‘sample’ in at noon. Ok – quick funny story on that one.

Dustys boss knows all about the infertility issues we’re having right now, so Dusty feels comfortable going to him and asking for time off and such for Dr appointments. Well, Dusty had to leave work for an hour, to go home and, well, you know. So his boss says to him ‘I can’t believe I’m giving you time off to go home and jerk off’ hahaha See, you have to keep a sense of humor about this kind of thing, or we’d all go mad!

Dusty does his thing, tucks it in his armpit, to keep it warm, and drives like a bat out of hell for the clinic – to get it there on time.

We wait about a week and a half before we’re calling the Dr to see what happened with our tests. Dusty calls first and the Dr says that the results are back and he wants to see him. Then I call, and am informed that my tests seem fine, but I’m allowed to come in with Dusty for his appointment. Ack, can you say scary!? We’d figured something was wrong, since it hadn’t happened yet, but really, you don’t want anything to be wrong, at the same time.

Back to the Dr

And, off we go again, to the Dr. We’re sitting around, waiting for the Dr to come in. We’re both nervous for what the Dr has to say.

Is he going to come in and say that something is so wrong with Dusty, that we won’t ever be able to have a baby together? It’s the not knowing that will kill you – always better off to know. So, in walks the Dr. He reads my tests results and says everything seems fine with me. I can’t help but sigh, a sense of relief. Though the feeling doesn’t last long, as he moves on to talk to Dusty about his results. Seems Dusty has enough sperm (quantity), and they have good motility (movement) but, 96% of them are abnormally shaped (morphology).

Now, let me explain something here. Abnormally shaped sperm are unable to fertilize an egg, which, in turn, would get me pregnant. A deep sense of hopelessness and anxiety, runs through me. Is this the bad news we've been dreading? Does this mean we really weren’t meant to have babies together? After everything we’ve been through, 9-ish years apart, finally finding each other and falling in love, deciding to start trying for a baby and getting married -–and this is what happens!? I thought good things happen to good people!?

The Dr goes on to say that this is now out of his scope of practice and is sending us to a specialist, a urologist, to be exact. This is in early November (month 12 of trying), and our appointment for the urologist isn’t until January 4th. I guess, considering our medical system and how slow it can be, that this is a fairly short waiting period. Yay, for the Drs maybe, but not for us. Another 2 months is HUGE when you’ve been trying for so long, when you want something so bad and it seems so far out of reach.

All in all, I guess it’s not such a bad thing, considering we’re to be getting married on New Years Eve. We needed to be concentrating on that, planning for that. The next couple months are a whirlwind of activity, planning for both Christmas and our upcoming wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I still thought about baby making each and every day of that two months. And, in all honesty, I still cried each time when my period would show up.

Again, I have to stress how great my husband is. When that dreaded day would come, when AF reared her ugly head, Dusty was the first one I’d turn to. All I’d have to say, when asked why I was crying, was: I got my period. He’d reach out and hold me and tell me how sorry he was, how he wished he could do, or say something to make me feel better. Both of us knew though, there’s nothing someone can say or do to make a woman feel better at this point, just hold her.

I have to say as well, with the issues of us getting pregnant lying on Dustys shoulders, I was starting to feel guilty going to him to cry. I know he’s always there for me, I know he wants to be there for me, but, with me going to him like that, was he feeling more guilty now, when I would!? I don’t blame him in any way, ever, and never will. But, I also didn’t want him to feel guilty, for him to feel more pressured, that this whole situation was his fault. Especially since I don’t consider it his fault, really I don’t. It takes two, and I know, should it have been issues with me, he wouldn’t have blamed me either. He would have stood by me, come hell or high water. And that’s exactly what I’ll be doing with him, standing by his side, always and forever.
Our wedding


The stress of Christmas came, both of us working, and still putting the final touches on the upcoming wedding, in a week. Friends are starting to come, family, last minute details.

We survived, the day has finally come, the day we become a family. That day was perfect, I couldn’t have asked for anymore than it was. Ok, so it was a little stressful before the ceremony, but that’s just because I don’t make a good bride – I don’t want people staring at me, and me speaking in front of people, that’s a whole other topic in and of itself, yikes. But, all in all, it was a great day. A day that I still find hard to believe, in some ways. Dusty and I are finally married, we’re married – if I say it a few more times, maybe it’ll feel more real!?

So, we survived Christmas, we survived our wedding, and on goes life, once again, like nothing happened.

The answer we've been waiting for?

The day has arrived, the day we go talk to the urologist about our infertility issues. I can tell that Dusty is a bit nervous about this appointment. He’s wanted to be a Dad for as long as I’ve known him. His biological Dad has never been around and is a scam artist, but again, long story, we won’t go there. I will just say this: Dusty thinks he has something to prove. He wants to be a better Dad that what he had. He wants to be there for his kids, to be the best Dad possible. I, myself, think he has nothing to prove. I can tell you right here, right now, that he will be the best Dad in the world. He’s loving, caring and neither one of those traits is he scared of showing, anytime, anywhere. I’ll be honored should I get pregnant and give him the child he so dreams about.

Anyway, back to the Dr. We’re sitting there, the Dr asking Dusty many health related questions such as: Are you a smoker? Are you around harmful substances during the days? Have you had any surgeries or childhood illnesses that you’re aware of? How long have you two been trying to conceive? Then, he turns to Dusty and says, ‘OK, what I want you to do now, is stand up and drop your pants’. I also must say that Dusty doesn’t embarrass easily, though I think he might have been a tiny bit embarrassed. There he was, standing there with his pants around his ankles, his wife sitting behind him, with the Dr playing with his balls. Poor guy, though it was a little funny, for me.

The Dr goes on to say that he thinks it might be something called a Varicocele.
Quick side note, since waiting for this Dr appointment, I googled infertility and I had read some stuff about this, but didn’t really know anything about it. To make a long story short, it’s a mass of enlarged and dilated veins that develop in the spermatic cord within the scrotal sac, which, in turn, causes swelling in the veins above and behind the testicles with resulting warming of the testes. Phew, all in one breath.

Anyone who is trying and or thinking about getting pregnant, knows that heat is not our friend when it comes to that area of the body. Hence the reason they say for men to wear boxers – keep them cool and not overheated.

The Dr informs Dusty that he’s going to have to go for an ultrasound, to make sure that’s what he has. He’s also asked that Dusty perform another sperm analysis. Though, this time, the Dr says that we have to abstain from sex for 3 to 5 days. The last time we were told only 48 hours, and that damn near killed us. We made some joke about having to sleep in separate beds for that time, which gave the Dr a good laugh. The Dr also asked that Dusty stay away from Echinacea < which is a bad thing for fertility, I guess. And asks that Dusty start a regime of 1000mg of vitamin C, 800 IUI of vitamin E and an Advil, everyday. Not too sure what those are going to do, but hey, the Dr ordered, so the Dr shall get.

We leave the appointment and let the receptionist know that we need to book an ultrasound appointment. More of the hurry up and wait syndrome going on here, from Dr to Dr, from appointment to appointment – when will this ever end? The receptionist informs us that the wait for an ultrasound will be at least a month. A month!? Seriously people, some of us are in a hurry, can we get on with this already?

Low and behold, Dusty gets a call the very next day to inform him that he has an ultrasound appointment booked for the day after. The day after!? We hope no one had to die for him to get this appointment so fast, but, we’re excited we won’t have to wait. Couldn’t have been better timing as well. I was due for my period in the next day or so, so Dusty booked an appointment for the sperm analysis for a few days later. We might even be able to sleep in the same room for those 5 days!?

Ultrasound for Dusty, period for me

The next morning, I wake up and, yup, that AF bitch has come once again. Before it comes I think to myself, I’ll take it better this time, this time I won’t cry. After all, it doesn’t do any good to cry about it, doesn’t make it stop coming. But, then it comes and here come the water works. It was first thing in the morning and Dusty was not awake yet, so I went downstairs to get my morning cup of coffee and just be alone. This time I’ll have a little cry, by myself and not let Dusty even know I cried. I’ll put up a strong front – I’m a big girl, I won’t cry. WRONG. I started crying and couldn’t stop. It’s just so sad. So upstairs I go, I need my man, I need him to hold me and tell me everything will be OK, that it will happen, soon. I climb into bed and he can hear me crying. Of course, he asks what’s wrong, to which I only have to use 4 little words, ‘I got my period’. He holds me and again says how he wishes he could do or say something to make me feel better. I just lay in his arms, crying, wishing it to be different, wishing they were tears of joy as I announce that I’m finally pregnant. But alas, the tears of joy will have to wait, yet again. Dusty now has to get out of bed and get ready for work. As he does, he leans down and says ‘I’m sorry I’m broken’. Oh man does that ever tear at the heart strings. As I whisper ‘Don’t apologize baby, it’s not your fault’. Now I feel extra guilty for going to him and crying. It’s so not my intention to go to him in hopes of making him feel guilty. I go to him because he is my husband, we are in this together, and at that moment, I need him to hold me. I need his strong arms around me.

Now, I’m questioning myself. Do I have the right to get so upset, to cry when I get my period? After all, it’s Dusty going through all the tests, knowing that it’s his issues for the reason we’re not pregnant yet!? I don’t want to make him feel more guilty than he probably already does. That’s the last thing I want to do.

They say that having infertility issues is one of the worst and most stressful problems a couple can go through, that many don’t even make it through the struggle. It turns into a battle of ‘Its your fault we’re not pregnant’ or it turns into a seriously non romantic cycle of ‘Hurry honey, it’s the time of the month, we have to do it, now.’ I can see why it’s so hard on couples, why some don’t even make it through. But, I also have to say, I know Dusty and I will make it. I’m not saying we love each other more than any other couple out there, but I am saying we talk, we talk until we’re blue in the face. We’ve always had that, we can talk about anything, no matter what. Issues we’re having at work, if we’re having issues with each other, we talk about those right away. And, we talk about our infertility issues. We talk about them all the time, together. We’ve talked about what it would be like to have a baby together. We’ve talked about the feelings we might have should we find out we can't have babies together. We talk about the tests and everything we’re going through. I don’t have even the slightest doubt in my mind that we’ll make it through this battle. With, or without, a baby in the end. Sure, it’ll be tough should we find out we can’t, in fact, it’ll be devastating. But, we talk, we communicate and we both know, without a doubt, that no matter what, we love each other and we’ll make it through.

So, that brings us to now. Dusty has had his ultrasound and tomorrow is day five of abstaining, thank goodness, we couldn’t make it a day longer. In fact, we’ve talked about sleeping in separate beds for the last night – just in case haha That wont happen of course – but we have talked about it.

Tomorrow morning Dusty will be bringing in a second sample and it’ll be onto the waiting game, once again. How long does the test take? When will the Dr have all the test results? When can we get in to see the Dr again? What will the tests reveal this time – will there be a change in the number of abnormal sperm? The questions go on and on, my friend. It’s the waiting that’s the hardest part, the not knowing.

The urologist had said that we’d go back to see him after the tests are back, then back to our regular Dr, and finally, they’ll be sending us to the fertility clinic. I know the Dr said that if Dusty does have this Varicocele, he said that it can be fixed, even non surgically. But, does that mean we’ll have a better chance of getting pregnant after it’s fixed?

So many questions, so few answers. That’s this whole battle. I call it a battle, because, in our eyes, that’s what it is. A battle for the bulge. So many tests, questions, so much waiting. As many times as I feel hopeless, I also have a sense of hope. We are good people, and good things are supposed to happen to good people, right? We waited this long to finally ‘find’ each other, fall in love, become a family, that it has to happen, doesn’t it? Please, God, help me make Dustys dream come true, of finally becoming the Dad he has always wanted to be.

Until you’re trying to get pregnant, you’ve never noticed how many pregnant women are out walking around, or the TV shows about it. It's everywhere you turn. Or the babies, ah the babies, they too, are everywhere you look. Dusty or I see a tiny baby and we’re poking each other to make sure the other saw it. I joke and say it hurts my uterus when I see a tiny baby, that my uterus gets a wee twinge. It doesn’t actually hurt my uterus, but it kind of hurts my heart. We want it so bad, we’re doing everything right, we’d be great parents, so why oh why is everyone, but us, getting pregnant? < That question, my friends, is asked each and everyday.

Hope! Hope and the love we have for each other is what is getting us through this whole ordeal.