Break Month

17DPIUI - I was told yesterday to stop taking the progesterone and I'll get my period. Oh lucky day...... just what I want. So far, just spotting,, no period. I wish the damn thing would just show up so we can get this show on the road. As you can tell, I have no patience........

Also, those people at the fertility clinic should learn to talk to eachother. Today, while at work, I got a call from the clinic - to inform me of my negative pregnancy results. I was soo angry when they did that. That news is absolutely terrible/shitty to hear the first time, let alone again the next day. Also, when I thought they were going to make me wait until today to hear, I specifically asked them to not call me until after 2:30PM. When the lady called today, to again say 'negative', it was 10:30 AM - yup, I said AM! How frustrating for sure.


Finding out what medical will pay for

Cycle day 1 - Yup, AF has decided to make her appearance, oh joy. Though, I'm glad she finally came, as now we can get started with this whole process, yet again. I'll be calling the clinic and hoping to get in on Friday, which will be cycle day 3, for my first internal ultrasound of the month. Oh how fun those are, especially when you have your period, nothing sexier.

And another thing, Dusty and I are trying to find out what fertility meds our plan covers. Oh my, that's not an easy task. After we had the Gonal F last month, Dusty called in with the DIN number and asked if it was covered, turns out, it's not. Sucks to be us. The medications for the IUI's are what cost so much. The actual IUI/sperm wash for the IUI is $350.00. The meds, can be anywhere from $600 - $1500. Lesson learned on our part.

So, I called the woman that Dusty has talked to, and she said that they usually cover the generic brands of many drugs. She suggested I call the actual company and get a list of those drugs. Well, I called today and you know what they told me? 'I'm sorry, we can't give you a list of the medications we cover. What you do is get the DIN number from them and then call us or email us and we'll let you know if they're covered or not.' I said that was stupid, as then we already have the meds, so it's too late by then. I guess they don't care - figures.

Not sure what we're going to do now. I guess when I go into the clinic, before we get new meds, I'll ask Dr Hudson if he can give us the generic brands of the drugs this time, and then cross our fingers? Wow, so not helpful. According to the 'Employee Benefits Booklet' we get: Fertility Drugs: Coins: 50% Ded S/F $0/0 Max: $4000 lifetime. I'm not entirely sure what the first letters and such mean, but $4000 worth of fertility meds would come in pretty damn handy right now.

Cysts – of all the luck

Cycle day 3 - Had my appointment at the clinic today, the internal ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing and to get more meds for the coming days. I did my usual, strip from the waist down and climb up onto the table. Dr H and a nurse came in. Dr H looked and sounded bummed for us, since the IUI didn't work last month. He said everything looked good, so let's see how my eggs are doing this time. Well, when he put the 'probe' in, I was watching him, and all of a sudden, he started measuring.. what I thought were eggs. I remember thinking to myself - 'What the hell is he doing - he shouldn't be measuring my eggs yet, not until after some fertility meds!?' Well, when he was done, told me to put my legs together and said he'll explain in a minute. He then went on to say that I've developed 2 cysts on my ovaries, from the fertility meds I took last month. "Ahhh, so that's what he was measuring, I thought to myself"

The cysts can go away and it might take no time at all. In fact, he wants to see me again on Sunday (today being Friday) to see if they've gone away. If they haven't gone away, we're going to have to take a break this month. If he were to give me fertility drugs, that would only make them grow. He said there's a 50% chance they can be gone by Sunday. He also said, that cysts can be stubborn and stay around for a couple months.

I was doing all I could to not break down and cry right there in front of him - though I'm sure he's seen that, many times. I booked another appointment and left the office. Once I got to my car, I text messaged Dusty and told him about it. He called me right back, and apologized for not being there with me. He had asked me if I wanted him to come, to which I said he didn't need to, as it was just a quick ultrasound. Little did I know.............


Other Mom will understand

I had sent my journal to my Other Mom (my Moms best friend, who is our second Mom). She replied yesterday and said she'd read it, but asked when she can call me, as she wanted to speak to me, not send an email. So, when I got home from my appointment today, I sent her a quick email and said if she's not working today, that she can call, as I was home because I got some bad news at the clinic. Well, within 10 minutes of me sending the email, she called me. The first thing she said was 'Hi honey, Ok, you got some bad news, tell me about it'. I instantly started crying and couldn't talk for a minute. I finally got it out and told her the news. We talked for a good hour, but for the first 1/2 of that hour, I didn't do too much talking, mostly crying and listening. She too went through years of trying to get pregnant, and it was nice to talk to someone who knew exactly how I was feeling. She knows what it's like to want a baby so bad, and yet have it not happen. She knew that only when you're trying to get pregnant, do you see all the pregnant women and small babies everywhere, and how much it can hurt when others get pregnant, when it's not happening for you. We talked, we cried, we laughed, it was a great conversation, I couldn't be happier that she called me. She wants us to get pregnant, just as bad as we do. She even promised that if I got pregnant with 5 babies, that she would come move here and help me take care of them. <-- I WILL hold her to that! :)

I then, of course, had to call my Mom and tell her the news. A girl always needs her Mommy, or, two Mommies, in my case. Again, I cried. You'd think I'd have no tears left, but it turns out, I still have plenty. Mom can't believe that we have to go through this as well, that we just keep getting bad news after bad news. <-- We're in agreement there, I'm so tired of it.

Well, not much else we can do, but wait until Sundays ultrasound and see what Dr H says. If I still have the cysts, I know we can't do fertility drugs, but maybe we can still do an IUI, without meds? I won't have more than one egg, but, I only want one baby anyways, so we're good :)

Again with the waiting game.............. 2 sleep til we find out of we're good to go for another round of fertility drugs and an IUI.........and counting.


Break Month

Cycle day 5 - The beginning of our 'break' month. That's right, we went to the clinic this morning, only for Dr H to find the cysts still on my ovaries. We can't do fertility drugs this month, but we're to continue trying on our own. Dr H said that my ovaries will still be in overdrive from the meds last month, so there is a higher chance of getting pregnant <-- I personally think he says stuff like that, for the sake of us women, so we don't break down and cry in his office, to give us a bit of hope. True or not, I don't care, we're still going to try this month. There will be no such thing as taking a break, not until it's official and one of us gets 'fixed' for good.

I'm not sure if I should be taking the progesterone this month or not. With such a small chance of even getting pregnant in the first place, do I want to delay my next AF, since after that, we can HOPEFULLY try again with an IUI!? (These cysts better be gone by then!!) I don't know. We'll see how I feel when I ovulate, see if I want to take the progesterone pills - they're not much fun, at all, but I bet I feel 'guilted' into taking them, as there is still a chance of getting pregnant. Ah, and onto yet another, waiting game..........


Learning, so I can help others

Cycle day 12 - It's been a few days since I've written in here, life happens I guess. Not too much new. I actually entered my temps into Fertility Friend this morning, and it put me as ovulating on CD 9 - which is way early for me. I imagine, in a couple days, it'll change that!? I have had weird temps so far - maybe a withdrawal from all the meds I've been on in the past 3 months? On CD 8 my temp went from 97.3 - 97.6, then to 97.7, 97.9, 98.0 and today, 98.1. Usually I don't start getting temps like this until a little later in my cycle, so that's odd. I also peed on an OPK on Friday and yesterday, both negative. I was only planning on temping and doing the OPK's til I ovulate, then forget temping for the rest of the month. But, when I think about it, I may as well continue temping, it's not like I'm going to freak out when my temp starts dropping, as I already know we most likely won't get pregnant this month. With our customary 5% chance - not likely indeed. Least with the temping, I know when to put a tampon in my purse.

Also, on cycle day 5 I mentioned that I was probably going to feel guilted into taking progesterone, just in case. Well, turns out, I've decided against taking it this month. Number one - it's GROSS, and number 2 - let's just get this period over with, so we can move onto an IUI in September. Enough is enough.. no sense in dragging out my cycle any longer than it needs to be.

Oh yeah, when I was bored at work the other day (shhh, don't tell my boss-hehe) I found a place in Vancouver that offers some online courses. I was so excited, and signed up for 3 of them. 'Weight Loss After Pregnancy', 'Training For Delivery' and 'Exercise Fertility Specialist'. See, now I can take these courses, they'll help me in my journey and I can then, in turn, help other women going through the same battle. Or at least help them feel better about themselves and get them in shape. Or help them lose some weight after they have a baby, etc. None of the courses are particularly long, but, you definitely needed to be a trainer before taking them or you wouldn't have a clue what they were talking about. :) The total cost of the courses was $180.00 <-- $120.00 for the Specialist course, and $27.00 for each of the others. Since I read the entire 'Specialist' one in half an hour, I might believe I've paid a bit much for it, but hey, it's also helping to keep my mind off my issues and I'm learning. Once I finish the courses, I might talk to Dr H and ask about putting some business cards in his office or something - can't hurt right!? <-- Though I think his daughter does some kind of thing like that for him, so we'll see. I'd like to get together with Mom or Jarrod (my brother) and maybe renew my website and add these courses. If anyone in Victoria then typed in 'fertility' or 'infertility' or even 'pregnancy' then my website will pop up. YAY!

Well, let's see what Fertility Friend says in a couple days, see if it changes my ovulation day, as it seems a bit early, even for me. I usually don't ovulate until anywhere between CD 12 - 15.


Christina is pregnant, and I'm still not

Cycle day 14 - As for the temps - I do believe when I enter my temp tomorrow, it'll say I ovulated on CD 12 - that puts me at 2DPO currently. I must say, I have weird temps this month. I overlaid a few charts to see what they looked like, compared to this months - and this months temps are way higher/faster than any other month out there. My temp this morning was 98.7 - I usually don't get that kind of temperature until at least a week after ovulating!? Weird....


I had to write in here today. Remember when I told you about my friend, Christina, the one who is also trying to get pregnant (for the past 5 or 6 months) and that we talk all the time, etc!? Yeah well, I just found out today, through an email, that she just found out this morning that she's pregnant. I must admit, when I read it, my heart started beating faster and tears were welling in my eyes. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I'm happy for her, really I am, but, at the same time, I'm mad/sad/upset/angry/jealous. I started crying at work - had to get Katy to talk me down so I could stop. I feel guilty for having these feelings, but they're there, they're real, oh how they're so very real. It's not rational, but the first thought in my head was 'Why her? She hasn't been trying for very long at all - why her before me? I was supposed to help her through her battle, not have hers end, and mine continue, alone. It's supposed to be me first, not her!'

Again with the tears. Sometimes I wonder how we've made it this long through this fucking battle - 21 months - 3 months shy of 2 years! How much more of this do we have to go through. I know they say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle, but when does He decide that you've had all you can take? Do we have to hit rock bottom first? Do we have to wait another 3 years before we're finally granted our miracle? With so many praying for us, you'd think that He has to have heard someone by now? I realize there are more important things out there in this world, things that need healing more than I do, but come on, we've waited 21 months, not so patiently, please help us once and for all.

I never knew my faith in God would be tested, ever. Yet, here I am, wondering, is there really a God? I've been put through the wringer in my life - far too much to tell you in here - and now this!? How do I keep drawing the short end of the stick? When are Dusty and I going to finally be granted our wish - is there even a God to grant it?

I do believe Christina and I have become quite good friends, to lean on each other, talk and joke. That's what scares me the most. Now that she's pregnant, and I'm not, I'm not sure how I will feel hanging out with her again!? I would probably just see her and start crying or feel angry!? As irrational as these feelings are, if you're going through this battle as well, you completely understand me. We don't want constant reminders of our 'failures', our 'non-pregnant-ness' our hopes and dreams that have yet to come true. I honestly hope that this doesn't change things between us - she's a great person - and I'd hate to lose her - but I am scared. It's not fair. It's not fair that I even have to contemplate being able to hang out with a friend because she's pregnant. It's not fair that it only took her 5 or 6 months to get pregnant and we're still trying, after this long. It's not fair that anyones good news about being pregnant, hurts me so bad. Who would have thought that you could be so happy for someone and yet, not able to join in on their happiness, because it makes you so sad.

I'll copy and paste this into her 'Pregnant' email - as she said she knows I'll feel bad and that we should talk about it. I'm glad she knows I'll feel bad, least there's no pretending in that regard. Once she knows how I feel, truly, then we'll go from there and see what we can work out.

I WANT TO GET PREGNANT!
I WANT A BABY!!
I WANT DUSTY TO BE A DADDY, FINALLY!!


I'd love to join the ranks with them


4DPO - Christina took the news very well. I told her straight up how I was feeling, that I didn't want to hold anything from her - and I let her have it. She feels terrible that I cried, especially at work <-- I think she should have sent that particular email to my home address not my work one. Oh well, what's done is done. Anyways, she feels bad that I feel that way, but she says she understands. She too doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and we're both willing to do all we can for that to not happen. It would suck to lose a friend because of this. I think I've lost enough : hope, ignorance, my innocence, my feeling of control, all of it - I don't think it would be fair to lose a friend as well.

She says she'll still be there for me, as a sounding board, to vent to. But, to be quite honest, and I could be wrong, I might not feel as comfortable talking to her about our struggle anymore. After all, she doesn't really understand - she was just frustrated for 5 or 6 months, not the 21 we're on now. And, I have cut down on talking about it too much, to anyone. I was feeling that that's all I was talking about and I don't want to be a burden. At least when Christina was going through it at the same time, we both felt like we could talk to the other, without worrying about burdening. Now, like I'm sure I'd be like, she probably is going to want to talk about being pregnant all the time. And, I don't think I could handle that!? So, in turn, why would it be fair for her to listen to me about my issues?

Damn this battle.........it really does affect your entire life. Social Life - yes, because there are certain times a month you can't drink, or certain days that you're just bummed and don't want to go out. Emotional Life - HELL YES - have you been reading this journal? :) Work Life – a lot of people at work know about us trying, just for the fact that I was always asking to leave early or take a day off, for Dr appointments. Sex Life - I'd love to say no, it doesn't affect that, and really, it doesn't, that much. Dusty and I are lucky in that regard, we both love sex and need it all the time - BUT - during my fertile time, I'm definitely thinking 'Oh, this could be it', or 'I hope he's not too tired, we need to have sex tonight'. That's the only way it's affected our Sex Life - my thoughts. We don't do the 'Hurry up honey, it's that time' nor are we having to force each other to have sex, for the sole purpose of baby making. Everyday Life - again, HELL YA. I think about it many, many times each and every day - thinking 'When will it finally be our turn?' 'Is this our month?', 'Is that a symptom?', etc. Also, you plan everything, and I mean everything, around getting and or being pregnant. We weren't booking our honeymoon, for we didn't know when I'd be pregnant, and you can't travel in your third trimester. We'd do the, 'OK, if we got pregnant right now, I'd be...... 5 months by then, we can do it..' thinking. It really does infect every part of your life. I've also caught myself in terms of saying (in my head) 'Hmm, if I got pregnant now, I'd be 4 months along come Christmas time...' With this being our 'Break month' I'm trying to not do that - give myself a month break from 'planning'. Now, when I think about stuff like that, I try to stop myself right away and either concentrate on my breathing, or hum a little tune in my head <-- silly, but hey, if it works, I'm all for it.

Well, since I'm not taking any meds or hormones this month, I don't expect my period to be any later than another week-ish. Probably this time next week. I'm hoping, because this is our Break Month, to which I repeat on a daily basis, that when TB (The Bitch) does arrive, that it won't affect me quite the same way. Sure, I'll still be sad, but I'm hoping I won't be down right hysterical, like the past months. Here's hoping.................

PS - Cross everything you guys own - I've heard of people getting pregnant on a Break Cycle - I'd love to join the ranks with them! hehehe <-- See, there's always still hope.


Implantation dip?

8DPO - Alright, for some reason, my temp plummeted this morning - it went from 98.5 yesterday, to 98.0 today - with 98.2 being my cover line. I've never, in all my months of temping, dipped below my cover line during my LP. Heck, even when I'm about to get my period, my temps are still above my cover line, barely, but they are. I'm not too sure what to make of that. If it is TB arriving early, this would be the first month in my entire 'period' life, of it ever coming this early - that would make my LP 7 days. Or, and this is a big OR, it could be what I've heard about, the famous 'Implantation Dip'. Here's an explanation of the so called 'Implantation Dip:

What causes an "implantation dip?"
The term implantation dip is often used to refer to a luteal phase dip that occurs around the time of expected implantation (7-10 days past ovulation). While this pattern does not always result in pregnancy, the term is often used because of the timing of the dip and because this pattern appears with greater frequency on pregnancy charts than non-pregnancy charts. There are a couple of factors that may help to explain why this pattern appears with greater frequency on pregnancy charts.
The corpus luteum (which produces the heat inducing hormone, progesterone) normally peaks in its production of progesterone and then begins to recede around the middle of the luteal phase. In conception cycles, it is "rescued" when the embryo implants and then continues to produce progesterone until the placenta can take over hormone production.
Estrogen, in opposition to progesterone, has a lowering effect on temperatures. A secondary estrogen surge in the middle of the luteal phase may cause a temperature dip at this time. Indeed this may explain why this pattern also occurs on non-pregnant charts. Mid-luteal phase estrogen levels, however, have been found to be higher in conception cycles than non-conception cycles and this may also contribute to the greater frequency with which we see this pattern on pregnancy charts.
When you see a mid-luteal phase dip on your chart, however, it does not necessarily mean that you are pregnant. Likewise, you do not have to see this pattern to be pregnant. As long as you have intercourse in your fertile time, you have a chance to be pregnant with any ovulation pattern.

Here's a analysis done by fertility friend regarding 'Implanation Dips'

Here is what we did:
We ran a full statistical analysis on 116,691 charts recently processed by Fertility Friend, both pregnancy charts and charts that did not result in pregnancy.
To be considered as a dip, charts had to show a significant single dip that lasted a single day, occurring between 5 and 12 days past ovulation.
We used a minimum dip size of 0.3F. We also ran the test using several pattern recognition algorithms to validate the correlation independently of the method of measurement.
Here is what we found:
11% of charts that showed ovulation but did not result in a pregnancy displayed this pattern.
23% of charts that showed ovulation and did result in a pregnancy showed this pattern.
Of the pregnancy charts that showed this pattern, the most likely days for the dip to occur were between 7 and 8 days past ovulation.
The data suggest that this pattern is indeed more likely to result in a pregnancy.
Remember, though, if you have this pattern, it does not necessarily mean that you are pregnant. It is just increasing your probability.
No matter your chart pattern, you can still be pregnant as long as you have well-timed intercourse within your fertile time. In the end, the only way to really know for sure whether or not you are pregnant is still when you can reliably take a pregnancy test.

So , there you go. It could be some freak thing that made my temp drop, or it could be that? Who knows, we'll have to wait and see what my temp is in the morning, that will give me a better idea of what is going on.

Since this is our 'Break Month', I don't want to get my hopes up, as the chances are so slim that it'll happen. Usually I tell Dusty everything, yes, even tell him about what my temp was like that morning, especially if it was an abnormal one. Well, I don't want to get my hopes up, nor his, I'm still counting on my period showing up in a few days, so I said... nothing. All I know is that this has never happened to me before.

Oh the waiting is enough to drink a girl loopy....


Bringing my Mommy In Law into the loop

9DPO - So much for waiting to see what my temperature did today, to give me a better idea of what's going on. My temp did go up, but only to 98.1 - still below my cover line. Again, this is so weird, a definite first for me.

Oh, and I went ahead and did what I said I wasn't going to do. This morning, when my temp was still down, I told Dusty about it. I was about to go to work, so it was hard to explain, but, I told him. I told him that it's never happened to be before and told him that it could be a good thing, possibly. Then I went to work..........

Another thing, I've been..... spotting isn't the right word. I only notice it after I go pee and wipe. It's more of a .. stain!? I don't know, like I said, it's hard to explain. When I entered 'spotting' into FF (Fertility Friend) they've now said that there is 'Possibly implantation spotting on cycle day 21'.

I'm trying, with all I have, to keep this out of my mind, to not get my hopes up. It's hard though, how can a girl not get her hopes up!? 21 months is a long time, and we're dying for it to finally happen. Wouldn't that be something, to end up pregnant on our 'Break Cycle'. No Dr appointments, no needles, no paying for it, just au natural!? Man, that would be fabulous!

I'm also trying to tell myself things like: I've also never had cysts before, so maybe this is caused by those? And, it really could be TB showing up early, don't get your damn hopes up. <-- But, try as I might, my hopes are a wee bit up. I said I was going to treat this as a 'Break Cycle' and not change anything, to continue to workout, drink coffee, etc. Well, as soon as my temp dipped yesterday, I haven't done any cardio since. So much for the 'Break' theory.

I'm praying, hard, with everything I have, that my temps go way back up tomorrow and remain up, for another 8-ish months. I haven't told anyone, but Dusty about this temperature thing. I almost feel like if I say something, it'll jinx it!? I'm just going to do my best to not think about it too much and carry on, carrying on. FF says I can test on Monday (today being Tuesday). So, just under a week - and I'll know, one way or the other. It would be cool to find out on Monday that I'm pregnant, as it's my Dad and my sisters birthday that day as well. Though really, any day I find out I'm pregnant, would be A OK with me. Read: sooner than this coming Monday! :)

Also, I sent my journal to my Mommy In Law a couple weeks ago. Just to keep her in the loop of what we're going through, to help her feel more... involved. Well, we got a letter/card from her a few days ago. She was a bit upset that we waited this long to send it and to let her know what we've been going through and for how long. I did tell her right after our wedding that we had been trying for about a year at that time, but I guess she doesn't remember me telling her. Anyways, Dusty called her later that night and talked to her. Apologized for not keeping her in the loop better, explained that this journal, had started out as a very personal thing. That's it's only been fairly recently that I've started 'sharing' it. All in all, I'm glad I sent it to her. Now she feels more involved in this whole process and she feels terrible for saying 'Don't worry, if it's meant to be, it'll happen'. <-- She didn't know, she's forgiven hahaha It's just that it's not something that's even easy to share. We're not ashamed or anything, it's just a topic that is hard to bring up. She knows we're trying, I guess she just didn't know the effect it was having on us, or exactly how hard it really is. I can totally understand her point, that we should have told her sooner, but at the same time, what do you say? When you talk on the phone do you just randomly bring up the fact that I was crying today because I got my period? It's just a topic that is very hard to explain, and we also don't want to burden people. It's much easier to just let someone read this - then they can ask any questions they want to. See, I'm all for questions or someone wanting to talk about it. I'm not embarrassed by any question someone could ask about this, for this topic, I'm an open book - ask away!

PRAYING that my temp skyrockets tomorrow..............

Praying gets me no where

Praying - that has gotten me absolutely no where in the past 21 months, as that pattern continues now. That's right ladies and gentlemen, remember when I said I was spotting yesterday? Well, by 8PM, I knew it was more than just spotting, it was game over, yet again, for another month. That one caught me way out in left field. Never, in my entire life, has my period come this early. It's usually between 24 (being the ultimate earliest) and 26 days. This month, try 21 days - to match the 21 months of not conceiving!? Funny. Read: I'm being VERY sarcastic when I say that!

This is getting ridiculous - pretty soon it's going to be, get my period, then 2 days after it's gone, I'll get my next one!? WTF is going on with my body? Did the Gonal F from last month mess me up that much? Is it because of the cysts that they brought my period on so soon? I don't know, and that's one thing I've learned, I HATE not knowing what's going on with my own body!

I had mentioned a couple times, both in here and in everyday life, that I wasn't going to take progesterone, because I just wanted this cycle over, no point in dragging it out!? <-- Why did God choose now to listen to me? He chose starting my period almost a week early as answering my prayers, and not holding out on the big one and making me pregnant? Seriously, my faith is getting tested more and more with each passing month.

I called the Fertility Clinic this afternoon. and now have my next appointment for tomorrow at 1:15PM. Sometimes, they ask such silly questions. When I called I specifically said 'Hi - I'd like to make an appointment for Friday for my cycle day 3 ultrasound.' She then replied with 'When did you get your period?' <--- Hmmm, I was pretty sure I said Friday would be cycle day 3, so..........I guess I got my period a week ago - dipshit LOL Sorry, still a bit frustrated that I even have my damn period, it's been a bad day.

I was right about one thing though, so that was good. When I knew it was game over, I went into Dustys 'Man Room' where he was playing a game, climbed up into his lap and had a wee cry. I wasn't hysterical, I didn't bawl my eyes out... I was impressed with me. Though really, I was pretty sure it was coming, well, up until the last couple days that is. Dusty did his usual, held me, said how sorry he was, rubbed my back, and held me more. Such a sweetie.....

I also called my Mom last night too. I knew she could offer her usual words of wisdom and help me through this loss. I was right, man, how does a Mom always know what to say? We talked for about an hour. She knew right away that something was wrong, so when I started crying and couldn't talk.. she knew. We talked about all we've been through in the past 21 months, the pain, the loss, the drugs, the periods getting closer and closer together, how unfair the entire thing is. She had a suggestion for us, that I'm still not sure I can do. She suggested that we stop 'trying' everything. Keep trying for a baby, but stop with the drugs, stop with the taking my temp every morning, stop the IUI's, all of it. Give my body time to try on it's own - with the help of progesterone of course, since my LP keeps getting shorter and shorter. I know I don't want to continue this battle for the next few years, I just couldn't take it and can admit that to myself now. She said to just give it 2 or 3 months, have fun, keep trying but stay away from everything but what God has given us. <-- The chances are so low with going that way, that its almost depressing to even think about doing it. She said the most I have to lose is 2 or 3 months... but, when you've been trying for this long, 2 or 3 months is a HUGE amount of time. I was thinking about talking to Dr H about maybe doing an IUI without the drugs - or at least without the expensive drugs. I don't know, I guess my questions will be answered tomorrow, when we see if I still have the cysts or not.

One more day, in fact, less than 24 hours and I'll know if I still have the cysts. From there, we'll talk to Dr Hudson and figure out what we should do.

How do women go through this battle for 6 - 7 - 8 years? They are definitely stronger than I...............