We're infertile

Dusty and I finally arguing?

I don't know. Maybe the stress of this TTC thing is getting to Dusty and I, finally!? It's been just over 2 years now, and I do believe, it's finally hit us. Not 'hit us' as in .. we just realized what's going on, but 'hit us' as in, the stress of what we're going through, finally showing through!? It's frustrating for me, there's such simple things that Dusty can do, that he's just not doing, He has the easy things to do: have sex at the right time of the month, which we have covered, trying for a baby or not. But then there's things like: exercise and drinking more water that he's just not doing. How easy it is to workout for 15 minutes a day and drink more water? It doesn't get much easier than that, but he's still not doing them. Finally, last week, I got mad at him and stormed off - which in turn made him feel guilty, and he went and worked out. For all the things I've been through, I don't think it's too much, the things I'm asking him to do. It sometimes makes me wonder if he really wants this in the first place. I'm sure he does, but he just doesn't seem to want to do any work for it to happen. I've explained to him that we can't keep doing the same things, and expect a different result - that's just stupidity, if you ask me. In my opinion, you keep doing the same things, and you're going to keep getting the same result - don't change, and we won't get pregnant - it's as easy as that!! It's not like I'm asking him to start working out for 2 hours a day, or to go to various appointments, many times a week, or even for him to start getting needles, like I had to do. He uses the excuse of: 'But I don't feel like it or I don't want to'. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like going to work everyday, but I go. I don't feel like getting up at 5:15 every morning so I can workout before work, but I do. I didn't feel like getting needles in my belly and getting a Dr to put my husbands sperm in me, but I did. Hell, if I only did things I felt like doing, I wouldn't be doing much! I don't know, maybe another year of this is going to be too much, for both of us!? I feel like I'm the only one in this partnership, doing anything to try to get pregnant - and it can't continue like this, it really can't. This is a partnership, not me being a single woman and trying to do it on my own. Without my husbands help in all this, I may as well just admit that it's not going to happen, and carry on with life, without the added stresses of trying to conceive.

I'm sure he's stressed by this entire situation too, but come on, talk about it or something. I've told him that before, to talk about it, let it out. It's the only way I've made it through as far as I have, by talking about it with friends and family and by writing my feelings down in this journal. Every time I bring up the subject, he just says that he thinks about it all the time too, and he's frustrated. I know men and women deal with the pressures of trying to conceive, differently, so I don't know how to go about getting him to talk about it - even if it's not with me - talk to someone else, write your feelings down in a journal, just do something.

Our journey has brought us to a point, that if we want anything to happen, we're going to have to start paying more and more. Yes, we're done with fertility treatments, but now we have to try other things like: acupuncture by someone who specializes in infertility - meaning paying a lot more for it. Trying a Naturopath, which in turn, costs more. I'm not sure what else we can do. Whatever we do, we have to do something, we can't just sit around and wait for it to happen, and change nothing. Or maybe that's just my way of thinking? Maybe Dusty thinks that if we just keep trying the same things, calm down, think about it less, and just carry on, that it'll happen, eventually!? Thinking about it less - for me, not possible. That won't happen until we've officially given up and even then, I'll still think about it. I'll never be 'at peace' or accept it, if it's not meant to be, that's not in my nature. I've read other womens stories and they mention that they finally realized that they knew it just wasn’t meant to be, and finally became at peace with it. I personally, think they might be lying. How can you ever be 'at peace' with something you want so badly - but will never have? How can you ever be 'at peace' with not having a family, like all others you see? For me, that won't be. If we decide we've done all we can, and are done, I might, one day, be able to deal with it, but I'll never accept it, or be 'at peace' with it. Maybe men are different.!? Maybe Dusty figures that if it doesn't happen, oh well, we tried, and he'll be able to move on, and not look back? I can now see why many couples haven't made it through this, why it broke them up - the stress is incredible.

We have to deal with things on a daily basis, that would bring others to their knees. I have to be at work, each and every day, sitting in front of a pregnant person. Knowing that when I hear her eating crackers, it's probably because she's feeling nauseous, from morning sickness - a sickness I'd die to have myself. Dusty has to be a volunteer fire fighter, and planning and hearing about the Christmas party for the little kids of the families, knowing that he might never be able to join in. Dusty and I decided we might want to try going to a Naturopath, but we were going to shop around first. We wanted to find one that we felt comfortable with, and one who knew something about infertility - as we've dealt with many, who are clueless - medical Drs included. We saw 3 in a span of a few days. Just quick, 15 minutes, interviews with them. We asked questions and learned what they could do for us. One of them we saw, actually said to me 'You have to stop thinking about it all the time, trick your mind into thinking that you're not even trying, it has to be done!' Excuse me - you want me to do WHAT? <-- Obviously she's never, herself, dealt with infertility and the pains that come along with it. Which in turn, makes me think she hasn't really dealt with a couple suffering with it for as long as we have. Scratch that one, on to the next. Another one we saw, said 'I'd put you on a 'cleanse' diet for 3 - 4 months, and in that time, you're not allowed to try to get pregnant. You've been thinking about it too much, focusing on it too much, you need a break..' <-- Again, excuse me? And just who do you think you are, telling me when I can and can't try to get pregnant? Who are you to tell me I'm focusing on it too much and I need a break? It's my damn body, and I'll decide when it's time to take a break! It's just incredible............

Yes, people, when you're fighting something like infertility, you're going to think about it, you're going to focus on it, it's going to consume you - welcome to Infertility. But, even after saying that, it's not a bad thing, I swear. OK, Dusty and I are arguing now, but hey, comes with any marriage. It's not like I'm thinking about it 24 hours a day (I swear, it's only about 16 hours a day hehe). It's not like I hibernate and don't do anything and have gone into a major depression - far from it. When I get my period, yeah, I'm seriously depressed, THAT day, but then I keep my chin up and carry on, like usual. I laugh, I joke, I'm still a wife and a mother of a pretty kick ass 15 year old daughter. It just amazes me that strangers (Drs, friends, family, random people, acupuncturists) are telling me I'm stressing too much, I'm thinking about it too much!? Put it this way, if you were diagnosed with... cancer - would you be thinking about it too much? Stressing about it too much? Are people telling you, you need a break and to trick your mind into thinking that you don't actually have it!? NO!! <-- They say that the stress associated with infertility, is the same as if you were diagnosed with HIV or cancer - so why are we treated any different!? Yes, we're not dying, but the stress and thought processes are the same. Think about that for a minute.....

Anyways, a bit off topic... I'm going to have to have a talk with Dusty and see what we can figure out... and make sure we keep our communication lines open, at all times. He's going to have to at least try my simple ideas to help us, if even to only make me happier - come on, we've all done things we didn't really want to do, to make our husbands/wives happier. He has to be there for me, as I'm always, and forever, here for him.


I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out

CD 23 - 11DPO - It's been awhile since I've written in here again, oops. Not much has been happening though. It's just a couple days past Christmas and it was a good one. Dusty and I both worked on Christmas eve, so we went to Mom and Dads about 7PM. We had a great visit with the whole family - it was nice. Let's see, what else is new. Well, it'll be mine and Dustys first year anniversary in just 3 sleeps - wow, how the time flies. It's been a year - this time last year, there was some serious panicking and pandemonium going on. Sometimes it feels like it's been way shorter than a year, other times however, it seems like a lot longer. We've been through so much in the past year - more than most couples who have been married the same amount of time, I'm sure. I have to say though, that it's made us stronger as a couple. We're closer than we've ever been. Yes, as stated before, there have been tougher times, but hey, that's to be expected. All in all, it's been a good year.

Another thing, as stated above, I'm 11 DPO and getting more and more anxious to take my temp in the morning. Comes with the territory, but man, I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out! I really don't need to take my temp anymore, but it just helps me feel like I'm doing something, anything. And besides, taking my temp gives me a fore warning about my upcoming period. It sucks either way to get it, so I may as well have a couple hours/a days notice that the bitch is on her way.

Last month, I had a HUGE temp drop at 6DPO, which I was hoping was the famous Implantation Dip that everyone talks about - turns out, I'm not that lucky, as my period came, as usual. Though, my temp didn't drop before I got it, so that was a surprise/shock.

This month, I've had another huge temp drop at 5DPO, and yes, again I'm praying it's an implantation dip <-- Come on, a girl can dream. That, and for the past couple days I've had a fairly stuff nose, but no other 'cold' symptom - which is highly unusual for me. Oh, and last night, I felt sick all of a sudden and had to hover over the toilet for a few minutes!! <-- Come on baby, let me get a positive pregnancy test on our one year anniversary!! I really don't think it's too much of me to ask, after all this time. What could be a more perfect anniversary present to Dusty, than to finally tell him we're pregnant!? <-- Pray with me please..........

My temp is still way up today. In fact, it went quite low again yesterday - leading me to believe that I was going to get my period yesterday or today. Yesterday it was 98.2 and today it went to 98.6 - come on baby, keep going up - let's make this finally happen. Besides, it'll really suck to get my period on our anniversary - talk about put a damper on your day!

Oh, should I also mention that it's only 58 short sleeps until we leave on our honeymoon? That's right ladies and gentlemen, 58 sleeps until we're on a cruise ship for a glorious 14 days of pure bliss!! Man, we can't wait. In just a few days, we can officially say 'Next month we're going on a cruise'.

Praying soooooo hard that the 2 year mark will be our lucky month - I can't tell you how much we want this to happen, tho I'm sure you have an idea!! :)


Our 1st year anniversary


December 31st - Well, it's official, we've made it a year into our marriage - yay us. Thinking back on the last year, I'm more and more certain that Dusty is my true soul mate. He is not just my husband, and my lover, but my best friend. Who knew my Mom would turn out to be right - her words 'You should marry your best friend, then, when times get hard, you have that to fall back on, the friendship'. During our teenage years we think our parents know nothing, after all, they're 'old', they don't understand what we're going through. Then, later on in life, we start to realize that they know what they're talking about - thank God for parents!!

Dusty and I had a fabulous day. Mariah is up North visiting her other family, so it was just a day for us and no one else. We went out for coffee, then went and did some running around. While we were in the mall shopping, Dusty bought me a Build A Bear - it's pink and has hearts on it - it's cute. Then, we went to the local 'Sex Store' and browsed in there, purchasing a game... a game to be done when Mariah is not here hahaha We came back here for a couple hours, hung out, then got ready and went for supper. It was nice. It was good that Mariah was away, because this way, we went and I didn't feel guilty about leaving her at home. While at dinner, Dusty told me that he was trying to plan a surprise for me. He was going to rent the same room we stayed in the night of our wedding, but, unfortunately, it was already booked. It's the thought that counts, but that would have been a GREAT surprise.

We came back home after dinner, popped open the champagne and watched our wedding/engagement slideshow and reveled in the fact that we're married, after so many years of just being friends. Just goes to show you that life has ways of surprising you. After the champagne, we played our game - to which I won <-- I had to add that - I was the winner, enough said, I won't tell you how I won hahaha

We hung out for the last couple hours, then toasted in the New Year with more champagne and a kiss. All in all, a fabulous day!


We're infertile.

January 1st 2009 - It's a good thing we had such a good day yesterday, because we got to bring in the New Year, with a good healthy dose of reality, to remind us, once again, that we're infertile. I guess it's a blessing that it didn't happen on our anniversary (though I had an idea it was going to happen, right before bed). Such a rude and sad reminder to start off the year - so unfair. Really, there's no good day to get your period when you're struggling with infertility, but man, talk about making a sad start to a new year!!

Officially 25 months of trying now!! Man, that's a long time, a long time that we've put our lives on hold, in a way. You do that, when you're battling infertility, you put things on hold, just in case you get pregnant. We didn't book our honeymoon, for fear that I'd get pregnant and then we'd be unable to go. I've put off looking for a new job, for fear I'd get pregnant and not qualify for maternity leave anymore. You get in a cycle, a cycle of hope and anticipation, followed shortly by grief and despair, over and over again.

I actually find it amazing, that after so many months of disappointments and heartache, that we still even have any hope left. Yet month after month, we're both praying that it's finally happened, hoping that we've finally beat it. Where does this hope come from, and will it finally disappear one day? Again, an unanswerable question.

On a daily basis I have to face my Infertility, with Katy being pregnant, sitting right behind me. I talk to her about her pregnancy and her appointments and such, but it hurts, as it reminds me, daily, what she has, that I'd myself, die for. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of supporting her, least in my mind I am. I'm not sure how I'd feel, if the roles were reversed and she was the infertile one, while I was the pregnant one. Would I even talk to her about my issues, would I want to hear about her struggles, or would the entire topic of pregnancy/infertility be taboo - just easier to avoid the topics entirely? Who knows, as the roles aren't reversed, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone - so I guess I'm the one stuck with it, the one battling and wondering what it would be like to be pregnant.

One of the issues Katy is having is that she's terribly sick and can't eat. She informed me the other day that she's had to tell our lead Dispatch at work, that she's pregnant. She fore warned me in case it gets out, even though she's told her not to tell ANYONE. But, it being an office situation, someone could slip and the secret would be out. If it gets out, before we go on our honeymoon, I'm not sure what I'll do. I honestly don't think I could handle, sitting in front of her, and listening to people always coming up to her and congratulating her and just basically talking to her about the pregnancy. If I had to guess, I'd either quit work, or at the very least, take a leave - if that's even possible. I think my talking to her the way we are now, is all I can handle for the moment, and anything more than that, would be too much for me to right now. What we're planning on doing, is Katy is going to tell people about her being pregnant, after we go on our honeymoon. Then it'll give people enough time to say their congrats and talk to her, and it be a bit of 'old news' by the time I get back to work. I'm sure people will still talk to her about it, and that scares me. Katy and I both think that when she tells people, she's also going to send them my journal, and ask them to read it, to give everyone an idea of what Dusty and I have been through, and to give them an idea of why they shouldn't be talking about it with me there. <-- Is that unfair? Probably, but I'm dealing with this entire situation, the best way I know how. This fight doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant people, or how to deal with pregnancy announcements, or even on how to deal with everyday life while battling it. It's all I can do to keep my chin above water at times, hoping, someday, it'll get easier. Or better yet, hoping, someday, we too will be able to experience what everyone around me, or so it seems, is experiencing - pregnancy.

There's another thing bothering me - I may as well get it all out, here and now. My friend, J, the friend that her and her girlfriend were going through IUI's at the same time, is no longer talking to me. What the fuck is up with that, pardon my French! :) I'm sure it's the fact that she doesn't know what to say to me anymore. She's scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting me, so she just avoids me and the entire topic. But, it also feels like, she was just a friend and someone to talk to, when we were both going through the treatments, and now that her and her girlfriend have had success and are pregnant, that she no longer needs me. They've moved on and left me in their dust. Who knows, but it's kinda of made me feel like... a leper, like I have some sort of terminal disease that she's scared of catching!? For me, it would be much better that she talk to me, tell me that she's scared of saying the wrong thing, and even chance saying the wrong thing. That, in my eyes, would be much better than her just stopping contact all together. She should risk saying the wrong thing, as long as I know she's still there for me. I'm not shy, if you say something that offends me, I'll let you know, and forgive you. So many people don't have a clue what to say to us infertiles. They're not sure if they should bring it up, or avoid the topic or ask how it's going with treatments or just plain keep their distance from us. We're not contagious, you're not going to 'catch' what we have, we have feelings too. In fact, most of us want you to ask how it's going, ask us if there's anything they can do for us, even if it's only to listen to us vent and cry. Just knowing someone is there for you, is huge. When I get my period, the only thing you need to say is 'Sorry'.. nothing more. We don't want you to try to fix it for us, just let us know you're trying to understand and that you're there for us if we need it. Such an easy thing, and yet, so many people don't get it.

Now that it's a new year, I think we're going to look more into starting a 'Trust fund' for our future IVF, if it comes to that. Dusty and I are more than willing to try it, as it'll give us the best chance at having the child we so desperately want, but, without some help, we can't afford it. Mom is going to look into it a bit more, about starting up the 'Fund' and Christina, is also looking into it as well - asking Non Profit organizations how someone would go about doing such a thing, and how to get the word out. Weird, I always said I didn't want the world knowing about my (very) personal life, but now, I'd do anything for it to finally happen. I'm not one for asking for help, but I think it's come to the point that if we don't ask, there's a good chance we won't get pregnant.



Help a friend

Where to start. where to start!? Things have been moving a bit more these days - with respect to the 'going public' thing. I'm actually going to be calling Mom tonight or tomorrow night and asking how it's going on the trust fund front. Christina has asked to take on the role of writing an email that will go out to people, who don't have a clue who we are. I must say, she's done one version of it already, and it's awesome!! Here it is: (Sorry Christina, I know you're changing it to sound better, but I love this one, as well)

Help a friend

I am asking for your help on behalf of a good friend of mine. This request is very unusual, as I would like you to consider a donation to a trust fund. Please read on, as I hope you will understand why I am writing to you on behalf of my friend.

My friend Shawna and her husband, Dusty have been trying to conceive a baby for the last 25 months. You may now ask “So what? They should just relax and it will happen when they least expect it!” or maybe you think “why don’t they just adopt”? If that is your reaction, you are probably within the norm of the general population. These are the questions and reactions that Shawna and Dusty have faced for the last two years. What you probably don’t realize is how heartbreaking and hurtful these reactions are. These two loving and kind people have been seriously trying to conceive for over two years and have been unsuccessful. They have done everything right, from nutrition to exercise, the timing of the month and even fertility treatments. Nothing has worked so far. Each and every month brings new heartbreak to them, because they are faced with the fact that they are infertile.

I have been blessed to have known Shawna for almost two years. She and her husband are two of the funniest, generous and kind people that I know. Initially I had no idea what they were going through, until we started talking about the issue of having kids. Bit by bit I learned more about their struggle, and I have often been reduced to tears reading about Shawna’s struggles. One simply cannot imagine what it means not being able to conceive, and it breaks my heart to know that my friend is in so much pain because the thing that should come naturally to every woman is not happening for her.

Before you shrug and stop reading here, I would like you to consider this: Did you know that 1 in __ couples face issues with infertility?
Why did you not hear about this in the media? It seems that infertility is still an issue in society that we don’t want to talk about. What is more natural than to conceive a baby? It is the easiest and simplest thing in the world. Not quite!

I personally know of three couples who are not able to conceive and have resorted to or will need to resort to In Vitro Fertilization. In addition to these 6 people, I also know of another 4 women in my circle of friends who have had one or more miscarriages. These numbers make it very clear to me that conceiving a baby and carrying it to term are not simple things they are made out to be.

Shawna and Dusty wish for nothing more than to have a child of their own. They have literally put their lives on hold for the past two years in the hope of conceiving. They are now at the point where their chances of conceiving naturally (on their own) is a 5% chance. As these are very slim chances, they would like to try In Vitro Fertilization (“IVF”) which gives them at least a 50% chance. Unfortunately, IVF is a very expensive medical procedure which costs around $10,000 per try and none of it is covered by Medicare (quite laughable when you consider that Viagra is covered by most extended medical plans). I am sure you can appreciate that not many of us have $10,000 lying around the house, waiting to be spent. Dusty and Shawna are in the same situation; they have spent thousands already on other – less invasive – fertility treatments and now simply don’t have the cash to afford this one last chance.

Therefore, I am asking you to help make their dream come true. Friends and family of the couple have set up a trust fund at ______ and we would appreciate your contribution.

Even if you cannot contribute to the trust fund, I encourage you to spread the message and forward this email to your friends and family. I not only want to help my friend Shawna, but also would like inform people about the issue of infertility and its devastating effects for the couple who is trying to conceive.

When you find some time, please read Shawna’s journal, which you can find at the following website. It chronicles her trials and tribulations over the past 25 months. I found it to be an extremely fascinating and spell binding read, which really showed me how heart wrenching infertility is for the affected couple.

How was that for a good letter!? I'm not sure how she thinks she can make it better, but I'll keep you all posted.

Also, Tanya had suggested that maybe I could advertise on Facebook. So, one night I went on there and typed : 'Infertility' in the 'Search' box. Low and behold, I found a few infertility support groups. As I was reading my way through a couple of them, I came across a thread titled: 'Anyone else in Vancouver BC?' Well, I'm not, but thought I'd reply anyways, saying I was close, I was in Victoria. Well, that started a chain reaction and there are now 4 of us women, from BC, all battling infertility. Straight away we all felt very comfortable with each other, and realized we all had about the same personalities - that doesn't happen often. We've all been chatting back n forth for a few days now, and it's been great!! We all know that each of us is there for the other, fully knowing, that at some point, we're going to need to lean on the other. That's another thing you learn while going through this, is that your best friends, will turn out to be people you met online and have bared your heart and soul to, long before you ever met, face to face.

Also, we had gotten a number from Dr M, for the local Infertility Support Group. Seems, maybe they don't want us to join!? I've personally emailed this woman (the 'leader') twice - once the email bounced back to me, and the other time, well, I have yet to hear back from her (and it's been about 2 months now). And now Dusty has even called, left a message, and again, we have yet to hear back!? We realize that she isn't paid to do any of this, that it's probably strictly done on a volunteer basis, but, if you can't even reply to an email or give someone a call back, maybe you're not the right one for the job!? It was very important to me to talk to someone who understood what we were going through, I was going crazy. If it weren't for 'My Girls' (My new Infertility Support Group' aka Just4Today) I don't know where I'd be right now. Yes, it's only been a few days, but by just knowing they're there for me if I need it - that they're there for me and can totally understand my feelings and heartaches, is huge. Thanks girls. :) There's one, Kim, from up North, Shannon from Kelowna, Natalie from Vancouver, and.... well... me. I hope some day, we can meet in person!

I really am tired of being quiet about the entire situation. At first, yes, I was embarrassed that I was even diagnosed with infertility - I didn't want to tell anyone, It comes with a certain.... stigma. You can see that people look at you differently. That when you do get the courage to talk about it, their faces glaze over and you can see they're no where around - probably going through their list of things to do, in their head. Most people think "Relax, it'll happen as soon as you stop trying, you're stressing too much.' <-- Ok, let's go over that thinking. Number 1, I've been medically diagnosed with Infertility, it's not something that's in my head. So that's like telling someone with cancer 'Relax, stop thinking about it and it'll go away' <-- No one in their right mind would say something like that to someone with cancer, so why do people think it's ok to say that to someone with Infertility? 9 times out of 10, if you knew someone who got pregnant after just relaxing, they weren't technically infertile, since sitting back on the couch with a glass of wine, is NOT going to get an infertile, pregnant. And also, when someone looks at me and says 'Relax', basically what they're saying, is it's fault that I'm not pregnant - because I'm not relaxed. What about the first year of trying - when I was relaxed and not stressing about it - why didn't I get pregnant then? <-- Think about that for a minute. And please, please, don't tell someone that maybe they just weren't meant to be parents!! If you say that, then you're also saying that the crack whore down the street, with crack addicted babies was 'meant to have babies' while they weren't. Or that the Moms or Dads who beat their children and lock them in closets, were 'meant to have babies', but they were not. Please, I ask you, do not say that! Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.