6DPO - That's right, I haven’t written in here in 5 days - too busy googling 'Clomid symptoms'. I've been through the wringer in the last few days no doubt. First, I started out on 2DPO with sore/sensitive nipples. Ok, only once in the past 18.75 months have I had sore nipples. It being only 2DPO when that happened, didn't stop me from hoping and praying - someone, somewhere had to have felt symptoms this early, right? Well, since then I've also had: stitches/cramps low down, sore/sensitive nipples on and off, a couple wee headaches, gums bleeding every damn time I brush my teeth, I get dizzy/light headed super easy and a couple days ago and this morning, one might say I was a bit irritable - Especially if you asked Dusty... oh poor Dusty. I feel bad when I'm grumpy, but I just cant seem to stop it, it sucks.
So, being as early as I am after ovulation, I imagine all these symptoms are from the Clomid - damn these drugs! Like it's not bad enough having to take them, lets throw in a bunch of pregnancy symptoms as well, just to mess with me. CRAP!!
Not much else to do but wait it out. Probably about 6-ish days left in the waiting game for this month. Though I did catch myself thinking the other day, 'I got engaged on my 32nd Birthday, and was pregnant by my 33rd Birthday'. Considering my 33rd Birthday is in less than a month - I'm hoping I was having a touch of psychic-ness when I was thinking that! hahaha I could charge a great deal a minute for that talent! :)
One more thing - once last month and once the month before, for shits and giggles, I took my temp in the middle of the afternoon. Both times it was in the low to mid 97's. So yesterday and today I took it again, mid afternoon: yesterday = 98 and today = 98.7 <-- does that mean anything - in my mind, it sure as shit does! hehehe
Mouth troubles?
8DPO - Had another 'moment' today. Ok, I have to start out by saying that when I got to work today, I was told about R - the girl at work who's pregnant. Well, turns out she went for an ultrasound yesterday and there was no heartbeat - she lost her baby. I honestly do feel guilty for being so jealous of her now, because wow, I can't imagine going through something like that. I guess she was about 4 months along. So sad.
Anyways, I was emailing a girl at work about that and I was trying to say:
...'That's why I won't tell anyone when I'm pregnant, at least until I've made it through the 3 month mark...'
BUT, I actually typed:
...'That's why I don't tell anyone that I'm pregnant, at least until the 3 month mark...'
Did you catch the fumble in there? Yet another way for my little bean to let me know it's there? Please.. please.. please....Let it be so!! :)
As for symptoms at this time, I won't mention any - but the sore/sensitive nipples, STILL. 6 days of this and counting...
Praying that Clomid does the trick..
12DPO - ACK - getting so close, yet again. Since I've been charting, only once did I have a luteal phase of longer than 10 - 11 days - until now. 12 days and counting...
My temps haven’t been anything to write home about - they hadn't gone above 98.5 all cycle long, that is, until Sunday - 98.6, highest this month. The last 2 months, I've had a HUGE dip on cycle days 11 and one on day 12, only for my period to arrive the next day. My temps have been ranging from 98.3 - 98.5 - with this morning being 98.3 <-- still not worried. Though if it goes any lower tomorrow, I might just cry!!?
I hear Clomid can lengthen your LP, so that's probably what this is about - more of the damn drugs teasing me. Don’t get me wrong, I want a longer LP - since mine averaged about 10 - 11 days and some Drs say anything shorter than 12 days is too short. So, good on the Clomid for doing that, now, lets pray it's a 'good on the Clomid' for getting me preggers as well. I want to join the ranks of all those I have read about. All those women out there who have conceived on the first round of Clomid - count me in ladies - I'd be more than willing to join your club!!
They say that if Clomid is going to work, it'll work within the first 3 months. Now, Dr H has only put me on it for 2, because then that will be 3 months past my HSG, which also adds to the fertility chances. If this month and next month don't work, with the Clomid, then we're moving onto injectibles and an IUI.
I really hope this is our month, we've waited long enough now. God HAS to know how bad we want this - that we deserve it, doesn't he? You really do start to doubt yourself at times. Maybe I didn’t do a good job at raising Mariah on my own, and this is punishment!? Maybe I'm only supposed to have one child, ever!? Oh with the questions...
Symptoms and praying
Well, like I said before, I'm 12 DPO currently, and hoping and praying that I will get my BFP soon - like, within the next couple days. What I'll do, is tell you all my symptoms I've had recently, that I've never experienced before. So I won't mention things that have happened every other month, just the 'new' ones:
~Sore/sensitive nipples - STILL, from 2 DPO until now
~My breasts, especially my left one, hurt BAD - like they're bruised.
~Can you say gassy!? Wow, burping, farting - it's been crazy
~A couple times I've been very irritable, poor Dusty
~This morning, after I ate breakfast and got dressed, I all of a sudden felt SUPER hungry and then went right to feeling like I was going to puke - I didn't, but not far from it
~I get dizzy/lightheaded super easy
~A metallic taste in my mouth - but only lasted a couple minutes, 10DPO
And one more, kinda, I had a dream last night that we had a wee baby girl - she was cute as a button. Mariah was playing with her/holding her and I was filling bottles (oh, and she was wearing green jammies.
I think that's about it - but sounds good, doesn't it? I really am trying not to get my hopes up, as the let down sucks! I keep telling myself that AF is just around the corner, but at the same time telling myself, this could be it, finally!? Which is true - I guess we have to see in the next couple days, to find out - damn this waiting.
Well, CRAPBAG, why oh why do I do this to myself. Remember when I mentioned that I was also taking my temperature in the afternoons as well, just to see what they would say!? Well, they started at 98 and went to 98.7 then started going down. The last couple days were 97.9. Today on the other hand, it was 97.5. That is below my cover line. I'm hoping, now, that it doesn’t mean anything - that I'll take my temp in the morning, as I should, and it'll still be up. For some reason I was thinking I shouldn't take my temp this afternoon, in case it did something like this and I started worrying - why didn’t I listen to my hunch? Now I'm feeling a bit down and expecting a temp dip followed by my period tomorrow. Please noooo....
OK, as I was doing my elliptical work, I was thinking about my temp during the day. I just remembered that a few days ago, my temp was 98.5, then, just for the hell of it, I took it again RIGHT AFTER my cardio - it was 97.4. Now I'm not AS scared as I just was, but still a wee bit nervous, Especially since my breasts/nipples don't hurt as much now - though, they've always hurt on and off, just more on, than off! :)
Choice of 2 emotions
13DPO - As I was taking my temperature this morning, I was praying for a number at least as high as yesterdays, praying with all I had. Seems, again, my prayers were not answered. 97.9 <-- my period will be here any minute now. I did my usual, come downstairs, get a coffee and lay on the couch for a bit. Right away, I started to cry, again, morning my loss. How many times can a girl mourn and still go on? I'm so tired of mourning. I'd give up anything, just to finally get pregnant. Dusty came downstairs and when he came to me, he saw I had been crying. 'Honey... did... oh no, you got your period...I'm so sorry..' as he leaned in and held me, as the tears came, once again.
I was fighting tears all day today. Even if I thought about it for a minute, that was it, I was misty eyed. One way to avoid that was to be angry instead. I had a choice of 2 emotions, and if you think one of those emotions was acceptance - you couldn't be further from the truth. Today is not a day to accept, today is a day to feel hopeless - to mourn - to beg God with everything you have to put an end to this battle. Tomorrow, sure, one of the emotions will be acceptance, just not today. Today it was a choice of anger or sadness. Since I had to go to work, I chose anger. If I had chosen sadness, I would have started crying and I don't think I would have been able to stop.
This really does get harder and harder as the months go on. You'd think that it might get a bit easier!? I mean, come on, I've had 23 periods in the last 19 months, you'd think I'd get used to them coming, to the feelings I get when it does come. Turns out, not so much. It gets harder because you start losing more and more hope. You know after trying for this long, that the chances of it actually happening are getting smaller and smaller. Did I tell you that the last time we saw Dr H, he said our chances of conceiving, after trying for this long, were down to 5% each month!? 5!! See, I probably didn't mention it, because it's such a depressing number and I don't want to add to the rest of the shit we go through. Put in in the back of your mind and try to forget about it. Least, that's what I try.
I have given this 'story' to Katy, at work, to read. She's known for months that we've been trying, but, by the way she talked, she didn't have a clue. I'm sorry Katy, Don't take any offense, and I know you know better now, but you really didn't have a clue. I didn't blame her one bit for not knowing - how can you know about something like this, if you've never been through it yourself? But you can tell when someone doesn't have a clue, by when they say stuff like 'Oh, dont worry, relax, hump like bunnies, it'll happen..' Or..'Go on your honeymoon, I'm sure you'll come back pregnant..' Very well meaning, but such the wrong thing to say to a person going through this. That's why I'm writing this - to let others going through this, know that they're not alone. And, to inform the people not going through this - what it's like for those of us who are.
I asked Katy if she had finished reading it and asked her to let me know what she thinks when she's done, and this is what she said:
'I will definitely give you more input, but as of right now from what I've read, its opening up my eyes a lot. I think because of how you've written it, it makes it even more informative because its written how you talk. I can hear you saying all of this, so its not like facts copied out of a book. And the emotions, I feel like I'm the one trying to have a baby and I am feeling only a fraction of what you feel (I know there is no way I'll fully understand unless I go through it)
...you made me cry at work Shawna!
...that's another thing that’s really good, you have your little jokes in there, which is exactly how you talk.'
See, maybe this 'Journal/Book/Story' (whatever you want to call it) can help more than just those of us currently going through this struggle. Maybe it can better inform those that aren't, but maybe who know someone who is. For someone to reach out to a friend or family member, offer support or just a shoulder to cry on, instead of telling them to 'Relax'. To me, that would all be worth it.
Infertility is almost shunned
Infertility is almost ... shunned I guess is the best word for it. We're treated like we should just give up. Or others think that we're just whining when we do have the courage to say anything about it in the first place. 1 in 6 couples, people - think about it. It's not a disease, it's not something that is contagious and I can bet you, with almost 100% certainty, that someone around you (a friend or family member) is going through it, as I speak. Do you want them to fight this, alone? Or would you rather be informed, and help someone achieve their dream of being a Mom or a Dad - if only just to have a small understanding of what they're going through? I think you know you're answer..........
As much as you might not believe me, I don't talk about my struggle with many people. And those that I do, I don't talk about it a lot. The odd comment in passing, or some lame joke about how hard it is. It terrifies me to think that a friend or family member would stop talking to me, for fear of me wanting to talk about it all the time. It shouldn't scare me, a real friend or family member would always be there for me, come hell or high water. But, and this is a big but, how much can one person take? If I weren't the one going through this - would I want to have someone going through it, talking about it ALL the time? Would I start to get annoyed and finally blurt out 'Ok, enough, I can't take it anymore, let's finally talk about something else for a change'. I can't say how I'd feel, as I'm on the fighting end, not the listening end. I'd hope that I'd be there, always, no matter what........
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