Why us?

My daughter

If we’re to bring you into this battle with us, we should also bring in my gorgeous, almost 15 year old daughter into the mix. Ah, what to say, what to say? This whole situation has been hard on her as well.

I guess I should start off by saying: ever since Mariah was old enough to talk, she’s wanted NO part of having a brother of a sister, ever. She’s quite happy to be the only child. I left Mariahs Dad when she wasn’t quite two years old, so it’s been her and me, against the world for most of her life. We basically grew up together, if you consider the age I was when I had her. It was a learning thing for both of us. But, through the hard times and the good times, we made it, we made it through with flying colors. Then, along comes Dusty into my life. No longer as just a friend, but as someone more special, someone who’s around everyday – taking time away from the ‘Mariah and Mom’ time. She didn’t deal with it well to start. And, I don’t blame her, and neither did Dusty. We both knew it was going to take awhile for her to adjust to what was happening, to learn to share me with someone else. Then, 6 months into the relationship, Dusty asked Mariah for her permission, to ask me to marry him. Dusty wanted Mariah as involved in this whole situation as possible – didn’t want her to feel left out of anything. In fact, he wanted her involved, he wasn’t doing it just to keep her happy.
Let’s just say that Mariah was none to happy about the thought of Dusty asking me to marry him. She still hadn’t completely adjusted to our relationship yet, and the thought of us getting married was enough to send her into silence. And really, it’s not her being spiteful or anything. Mariah and I are VERY close, always have been and always will be. Many people have commented on the relationship we share, voicing jealousy at how open and honest we are with each other, about everything.

My Mom ended up having a talk with her, though I never asked what they said, as it wasn’t my business, that was between them. But, I must say, whatever they talked about, worked. Mariah was dealing with it all much better.

On my 32nd birthday, after we were finally alone, Dusty proposed to me, asked me to be his wife. It took only a couple days for Mariah to get used to the idea of the two of us getting married. In fact, there were times I thought Mariah might have been more excited about the whole idea, than I was.

At our wedding, Dusty had wanted to give Mariah a ring as well, and say a little speech to her, just to let her know how much she means to him. It was a moment that brought many people at the wedding, to tears. As Dusty, standing there with Mariah in front of him, and a packed room, goes on to tell Mariah, for the first time ever, that he truly does love her and will always be there for her. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house, including both Dusty and Mariah.

Now you have an idea of how Mariah fits into this whole mix. She’s loved VERY much by both Dusty and I and we would do anything for her. Anything, except not have a baby. That would be Mariahs ideal world, no brothers and sisters, and to remain an only child. But, this isn’t a perfect world, and if I do happen to get pregnant at some point, I hope she understands that. She’s told me before that she’s terrified of us having a baby, as she doesn’t see herself in that ‘family’. She thinks that as soon as we have a baby, she’s gonna be cast aside and won't be welcome anymore. No more Mariah time, it’ll be all about the baby. I don’t know where she gets that idea from. We’ve talked to her until we’re blue in the face, that there is no way that would ever happen, never. But, I guess that may be something you have to see to believe?

If, by chance, that Dusty and I are able to have a baby, I know Mariah will be upset and mad. But, in time, I hope she realizes just how much we love her and want her a part of our family. That, without her, it wouldn’t be a true family.

Why us?

OK, so here we are, just a few short days before AF is to rear her ugly head yet again. I find I’m in constant battle with myself. On one hand, I want to think positive, on the other hand, I want to prepare myself for the inevitable. We’ve been trying for so long now, we know there’s an issue, so it’s so hard to think positive anymore. I’m scared to think positive – for when this is yet another month that it doesn’t happen - the positive thinking I’ve been doing, only makes it hurt more, when again, we’re unsuccessful. We want it to happen so bad. They say the best things come to those who wait – well – I’ve been waiting long enough dammit, bring on the ‘best things’ already.

And, it being just a few short days before my period is due, has also brought along with it, the dreaded symptoms. I say dreaded, because they seem to come every month, only slightly different each time. This time, I’ve had sore boobs longer than I have previously, twinges in my belly yesterday, and more discharge than normal. I can totally turn those into pregnancy symptoms, but, I can also rationalize them to be my upcoming, and much unwanted, period. You know, I got a ‘cold’ this time last week. I haven’t had a cold in a good couple years, so automatically it was a possible pregnancy sign. As it too hasn’t been a normal cold, it’s been more just a stuffy nose, nothing more. I tell myself over and over that if this were indeed a pregnancy sign, that I’d have to be about 6 – 7 weeks pregnant for a sign to show like this. BUT, when you want something so bad, you can really talk yourself into it – or you mind, I should say, can trick you into it. Most people don’t even get many, if any, symptoms until after they’ve skipped a period. See, I’ve read all about it – but that doesn’t matter to my body, it couldn’t care less. Ah, the battle.

I’m getting kind of tired of the battle – the tricks my body has been playing on me – making me think this could be the month, only for my damn period to show, yet again. Why couldn’t this be easier? Dusty and I are married, we love each other very much, we want this so bad, and yet, nothing. I know life’s not fair, they say, but come on, enough is enough already.

I read this over the other day and found myself crying. I’ve read it before and it has never done that to me, but this time, I have to admit, I cried. I‘m not sure if I cried just because it’s so sad, that it brings up all those feelings I try hard to keep hidden. Or, if I cried because I’m tired of it all – I want it all to end and to finally have tears of joy, instead of the tears of sadness. I can’t actually picture ever being pregnant again. I can’t picture what it would be like to hear the Dr finally say, ‘You’re pregnant, congrats!’. Does that mean it’ll never happen? Does that mean that, eventually, Dusty and I are going to have to come to terms with the fact that we can’t have babies together? And again, the questions go on and on. It’s only a few days away, doesn’t sound like a long time to most people, but try being in this position, the position of finding out if you’re pregnant or not – when you’ve been trying for so long. Let me tell you, it’s a damn long few days coming up. And, I’m sure my body will also play tricks on me, making me believe, yet again, that this is the magical month – the month I’ve finally conceived.

In fact, lets give you a play by play of the next couple days – give you an idea of what I’ve go through every month for the last, almost, 15 months.

According to the last few months, my period is due on Sunday or Monday, today being Friday. Only two or three days and I’ll know one way or the other. Sometimes, getting this close, I wish I had more time. I know it sounds funny, but when you’re this close to finding out, you want just a couple more days, maybe that would help me get pregnant, maybe then I’d get ‘real’ symptoms!? I look at this time with a mixture of anticipation and dread. Anticipation, hoping that it’s finally happened. And dread, because I’m certain I’m about to get my period, and I’m not quite ready to go through that pain again.

I was good for the first several months. I’d get my period, I’d be a bit sad, but, life goes on. But lately, it’s not quite so simple or easy. Now, when my period comes, yet again, I want to curl into the fetal position and cry until there are no more tears left. I guess someone who hasn’t gone through something like this wouldn’t quite understand. I mean, come on, life goes on, it cant be that bad, right? WRONG! Infertility is one of the worst things for any couple to go through, the trying and trying and nothing happening. All the unanswered questions. All the Dr appointments, tests and the waiting game.

Well, looks like the play by play is over. I got my period yesterday, Friday. The first time in my 22-ish years of having a period, that it has come that early, cycle day 23. When I first noticed the spotting, I was trying to convince myself, because it was so early, that maybe it wasn’t a true period. Maybe it’s what they call ‘implantation bleeding’. Well, that thought is out the window now. Seems it’s the real thing.

It comes with a feeling almost like losing something. Again, with the Doctors telling us to pretend we’re pregnant, until we find out differently, it’s almost like losing a baby. How can we pretend we are, then find out we’re not, without feeling a loss?

Yes, again, I cried. I feel like a failure, like I did something to cause it to not be. Dusty is so cute. There were a couple times this month, that before he’d go to work, he’d kiss my belly and say ‘For good luck’. Where is that good luck? Why can’t we finally get a piece of that? How much longer are we going to have to keep up the fight?

I’ve heard about women who have been trying for longer than we have, and I wonder how they do it. I’m sure they must go through the same things as us, the same feelings of disappointment, frustration and wondering ‘Why us?’. Hell, I’ve read about women who have only been trying for a few months, and have those same feelings.

Women take getting pregnant for granted. Thinking that when the time is right, they’ll start trying, and it’ll happen, no problem. And for some women, that’s exactly how it happens. Try for a couple months, and BAM, they’re pregnant. Do they truly know how lucky they are? Like my best friend, Tanya. Her and her husband decided to start trying, so she stopped taking the pill. She never did get another period, for 9 months. Or my other good friend, Chelsey. Same thing – they decided to start trying and within that same month found out she was pregnant, with twins. Oh how lucky they are. They’ll never have to go through the fight of trying, and nothing happening. They’ll never truly know the pains, frustrations, the feeling of hopelessness that comes with infertility. I wish I too didn’t know. Ignorance is bliss they say – I’d love nothing more than to be ignorant of the whole issue. But, I’m not. I’m in the middle of it and fighting all the way. I won’t let this beat me, beat us. In the end, we’ll come out, a little worse for the wear, but we’ll come out on top – baby, or no baby.

A surprise result

OK, so here we are – finally with some good news. No, I’m not pregnant, yet, but, good news is always welcome. Dusty and I went back to the urologist for the test results from his ultrasound and his second sperm sample. Turns out he doesn’t have the veriocele AND his sperm morphology is way better than it was back in November. At the beginning of November 96% of his sperm were abnormally shaped. Now, however, it’s only 50%!! What a HUGE change! Not sure what he did differently, or why it changed – but, like my Mom says, beggars can’t be choosers.

So, we’re getting a referral to the fertility clinic, and can hopefully get in there, soon. Well, we’d prefer to not to have to go, we’d prefer that I’m pregnant as I type this – we can dream can’t we?