ALL 6 of them are still going strong
Of the 6 that were fertilized yesterday, ALL 6 of them are still going strong – we didn’t lose any over night!! They’re officially embryos today – Dusty and I have 6 wee babies in a dish at the clinic – weird, but exciting!!!
And they grade them, 20 being the highest: One of ours is a 19 out of 20 and the other 5, are 18 out of 20!! I’m such a proud Momma! LOL
So – Dusty and I will have to go back to the clinic tomorrow to talk to the embryologist and Dr H to figure out what to do and when. It’s then that they’ll decide to do a transfer that same day, or wait til Thursday or Friday!! We’re hoping for Thursday or Friday – that means they’re SOOPER strong and have a better success rate than a 3 day transfer! Go embabies go!
I’m excited, yet terrified – I’m scared to think positive, you know!? It’s a defense thing, I have to think positive, yet prepare for the worst! I hate that feeling, the most!
Anyways, there you go. I’ll let you know tomorrow what we all decided. Dusty and I want a 5 day of 2 embryos **praying**
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3 Day Transfer or a 5 Day Transfer - possibly the hardest decision EVER!
Well, we went to our appt at the fertility clinic and sat there and cried for an hour! We were there to talk about our embryos and decide whether to do a 3dt or a 5dt. I’ve always said I wanted to do a 5 day – but – our embryos aren’t as good as they’d like. Yesterday we had 6, today we have 6-ish - 1 slacker/slower. We could have done the transfer today, but there’s no way for Dr H to pick the best ones, as, at this point, he doesn’t know for sure which are the best ones. By Friday, he’ll know without a doubt which ones are the best – BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT – we could lose them all between now and Friday – there’s no guarantees!
Man, that was one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever had to make. If we have none by Friday, then I’ve just gone through absolute hell, and paid $10,000 for NOTHING!
We finally decided on a 5 day transfer of 2 embryos, on the condition, that if we’ve lost anymore by tomorrow – that we don’t care, we’re going in tomorrow and they’ll put them in me then!
The next couple days are going to be terrible, and then some. Now I have to wait by the phone and we have to pray with everything we have, that at least 2 embryos make it another 2 days!! Go embabies go!
Start naked fertility dancing, crossing your fingers, whatever – do it all! Hehehe
Seems there might be a slight issue with my eggs and maybe this is why our embryos are not quite as good as they want them to be - they're asymmetrical n such. BUT, being asymmetrical doesn't mean they cant get me pregnant, by any means. It just means that Dr H isn't sure which ones are the best right now.
We almost went ahead and did it today, transferring 3 but we, as well as Dr H, are a lil worried about getting pregnant with triplets or something...... as I'm just too bloody small for that!
Soooo scared we're going to lose them all by Friday........ why - why does this have to be so hard, when it comes so easily for most!?
This is killing me......
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Tanya as well as other infertiles...
I just got the sweetest email from my bestest friend in the whole world, Tanya:
I have my head shoved so far up my ass with school right now and for as much as I'm stressing I can't imagine being you. You & Dusty have had the weight of the world on your shoulders for awhile now and you have made out just fine. Trust yourself that you've made the right decision.... there is nothing else to do --- besides, you have made some damn good decisions so far in life!! Remember to breathe and know that I am praying, my whole family is praying, I want so bad for the next day to fly by with nothing but the greatest of news for you & Dusty!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxooxoxoxo
I'm so stressing right now - and when I read that, it made me cry - she's just too sweet!
It's 8:17Am right now - I have about 2 hours before the clinic is going to call me with the news on how our embabies are doing - and I could just puke. Come on time, fly by.
I HIGHLY encourage all of you, fighting this same battle, to find someone to talk to. I have my first group of online friends 'Just4Today' and I've also, since starting out IVF, have joined another group. It's a group of women from all over, going through the exact same things I am right now. We're all going through IVF, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows and yes, even the desperate times when you lose all hope. I don't know where I'd be today, without all of them - they have been my saviors!
Here's what a couple of them said, after I broke the news about waiting on a 5 day transfer:
(My screen name being Bella)
Bella-so sorry that you and DH had such a rough decision to make today....I am going to add my voice to your prayers that 2 will be there on Friday.... IVF is completely consuming...I agree...we are here for you...blessings
Bella- You are always in my prayers, but tonight I'm going send up a special one!!!!! Keep your head up......don't give up yet......
Bella- thinking of you. Just know that there is no correlation between the quality of 3 day embies and quality of 5 day blasts. Your embies could end up being perfect 5 day blasts! Don't lose hope. Lots of luck to you!
Bella: Apparently 3 day embryos are just as good as 5 day blasts or my test wouldn’t be positive so don't worry about them having to make it 5 days. If you have to go today then that will be fine and they will probably be better off with their mommy than in the lab anyway!
Really, it helps sooo much to know others who are going through the same thing....... I can never express that thought enough.
Less than 13 hours before we head to the clinic, for possibly a huge life changing event. Our lives are in that dish at the clinic. Our hopes, our dreams, the pain we've been through in the past 2 1/2 years, all rests on what happens tomorrow (and the next couple weeks). I don't even have the words to describe how I feel right now....
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My work peeps
I have to give a shout out to Carley at work - she kicks ass too. We were chatting today about what Dusty and I are going through right now, the stress, etc. Well, she said that she's going to pray to the peetrie dish embryo Gods tonite for me - go Carley go - pray like there's no tomorrow. :)
Also, I have to mention again, and possibly many more times yet, how thankful I am for Sarrah! Not many other 'bosses' would allow you to just drop work and run when needed. I sent her an update a couple days ago, when we first found out our embabies were going strong, and here's what she said:
Woooooooooooot! That is excellent news Shawna! Reading your email gave me a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy and almost made me cry a bit :P I'm so happy for you guys! As you know, take what ever time you need. Keep me updated!
Sarrah, yet again:
My thought will be with you as well Shawna. I'm not a religious person, but I have been prayin in for you. I have confidence that this will work for you.
Lots of love and good luck!
And Katy, the other day:
I will do many naked fertility dances for you! It wont be pretty, but hopefully it will be effective :P
Without our friends and family standing by us in this struggle, there's no way we'd be where we are today, not a chance. My heart just breaks when I think about women/couples going through this, alone, with no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to just give them a hug.
I THINK, by my 'Going public' that it's actually made Infertility a bit more.... understood!? Not to all by any means, but to my friends and family as well as maybe a few others. That alone, makes me proud of myself for speaking out in the first place. It makes the tears, the pain, the frustrations, more tolerable, knowing I might be helping just one other person out there, be a little more understanding to someone fighting Infertility!
I can't think of the right words right now, but they'll come....
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I never knew the stress involved
Stats:
I almost forgot - I guess I should list when I'm getting ultrasounds and how much meds I'm taking - for those of you who are also going through the same thing and or thinking about going through the same thing:
Birth Control Pills from March 23rd - April 14th
Started Suprefact April 8th - 0.5mg
April 19th - Had ultrasound which found the cyst
April 20th - Was supposed to start the meds, but have to wait for cyst to go away
April 21st - Blood test in the morning, clinic calls in the afternoon and gives us the green light to start the meds
Meds: 200IU Puregon, 75IU and still doing 0.5mg Suprefact (all in the evening between 6 - 9pm)
April 24th - Blood test: Clinic calls and says to bump up my Puregon to 300IU and to come into the clinic on Monday for blood test and ultrasound
April 27th - Blood test & ultrasound: 10 eggs growing, but they're small - continue with the same meds and go back on Thursday
April 30th - Blood test and ultrasound: Still have 10 eggs, only 2 are mature - continue wuth the same meds and go back tomorrow
May 1st - Ultrasound only: about 3 mature eggs - Dr decided it best to trigger tonite - Trigger shot at 9PM - ER at 9AM Sunday
May 3rd - ER: Retreived 10 eggs
May 4th - Embryologist called: of the 10, 8 are mature and of those 8 - 6 fertilized
May 5th - Embryologist called: of the 6 fertilized, all 6 are still going strong
May 6th - Appt at the clinic to talk about what to do with embabies: decided (through many tears) to hold out for a 5 day transfer
May 7th - Embryologist called: of the 6, all 6 are still growing and doing there thing: 2, maybe 3 seem to the the best ones
May 8th - Appt for ET:
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Starting the terrifying wait
9 days into stimming - Well, as you can see above, the ultrasound was good, and not so good. Good in the fact that I have 10 eggs and the cycle didn't get canceled, but not so good in the fact that they're growing slowly, and I'll need to continue on with the meds a few more days. Just the thought of being on the meds longer, is awful. My poor belly - it's official, I'm going to have to switch to sweat pants on a daily basis, even work, as it's just too painful to sit at my desk wearing jeans. It's kinda funny, sitting at my desk with my pants open, but man, it needs to be done.
I was scared going to the appointment at the clinic as I wasn't sure what to expect - I always try to hope for the best, but expect the worst. I would have been devastated if the cycle had to have been canceled or something, but we're good to go on that front. I read all the time about women in the States who get 15, 20, 25 eggs - is it just an American thing to get that many? My Dr was pleased that I only have 10. Though, honestly, there can be more he just didn't see *here's hoping*
Anyways, I'm supposed to carry on with the same dose of all meds and go back to the clinic on Thursday (today being Tuesday) for another ultrasound and blood test - hopefully they'll know more now - cuz all Dr H said was 'You're ER will be next week sometime' <-- Which was a bummer, considering it was originally scheduled for this coming Friday. We were so looking forward to getting the 'show on the road', as they say. Having it delayed and having to do more meds... well, it sucks, nough said.
Last night I started doing yoga poses, with soft, soothing music and a candle burning while having a wee pep talk with my eggs, telling them to grow, fast and healthy and plenty. <-- Hey, you laugh, but when you're going through this - you'll try damn near anything!!
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I never knew the stress involved
Day 11 of stimming: Well, I sit here, through a haze of tears - part meds I'm on and part news we got this AM. Had another ultrasound - I still have 10 follicles, however, only 2 of them are mature right now. I have 2 that are 18 and the rest are smaller. One at 9 another at 10 and a few others in the 12 - 16mm range. If we wait too long to get in and get them, the 2 18's will be too big and there-fore, to old to do anything with. But, if we go in now, we'll only get 2. I have to go back for another ultrasound/blood work tomorrow AM and we'll see whats going on then. Dr H figures the ER will be Sunday or Monday. I'm terrified that we'll only get 2... and just cuz there's a follicle, doesn't mean there will be an egg in it - so potentially with 2, we could end up with one, or none. Here's what Dr H has on his website:
Say you have 10 follicles
7 of those have eggs in them
Only 6 of the 7 are mature
5 of the 6 fertilized
Only 3 are good quality embryos
2 transferred, 1 frozen *and not everyone gets any strong enough to freeze*
So - you can see why I'm crying now? I'm trying to be positive, but its hard right now - between the meds and the news - I'm a wreck. I got sent home from work and told not to come in tomorrow either - thank you Sarrah.
This sucks!!
Back to the clinic tomorrow morning to see what's going on - come on eggs - grow babies, grow!
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Sooo scared.... I'm sick of fighting so hard, for something that should come so easily - and does come easily to most! <-- Sorry, had to vent - again. Man I cant wait til these meds are out of my system, LOL
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A crying mess
I hear, from my acupuncturist, that if Dr H thinks you don't have enough eggs or whatever, that he'll cancel the cycle and I hear he cancels a lot of them. So thats a plus, as he thinks everything will still work!? <-- I'm trying to focus on that! There is still a chance that a few of the other eggs will catch up - we're just walking a real fine line right now - wait too long, and the 2 good ones will be gone, or go in now and only get 2. I had to take an additional dose of my meds tonite and back to the clinic tomorrow. Another thing too - once they give me the trigger shot, that also helps mature/grow the eggs and eggs can grow 1 - 3mm per day - I'm hoping for 3mm for the smaller ones, and 1mm per day for the big ones <-- is that too much to ask for? :) From all the shit I've been through, I don't think thats too much to ask! I've been a blubbering baby all freakin day. Cried on my way to work.... got teary eyed at work, got sent home from work and cried as soon as I got here. Finally calmed down, ate lunch and fixed my make up so I could go to acupuncture and as son as I said I only have 2 mature eggs right now - the waterworks came on again - strong. Poor Rachele had me come sit on the bed as she rubbed my knee and we chatted, whole I cried. Then, I thought I was better - til she was putting needles in - they were hurting extra today - prolly from stress and being sooo tired of needles - and again, I started crying and she had to stop. Finally, good to go again and cried a wee bit on the way home. Then cried again when I got home... cried a wee bit when I told Mom about it tonite - and now, I seem to be all dried out and have no tears left!! hehehe Seriously, I laugh, but I honestly don't think I have any tears left!? :)
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Triggering tonite!
Well - just back from the clinic now - I have 3 or 4 eggs!? 3 I think, that are ready - I tried not to pay too much attention to it cuz I didn't want it to freak me out - tho I should have paid attention - cuz I'm freaked right the fuck out. Been crying since we left the clinic. Terrified that they're only get 2 eggs or something........ I'm not sure I can go through this again and I REALLY hope and pray I wont have to!! I have too much invested in this one round - I've given up everything, and about to give up more. Had to give up coffee/caffeine, I can no longer workout, I cant have junk food, I've had about 48 needles in my belly in the past 3 weeks, the emotional toll of it all........ it's hell, it really is. And that doesn't even include the fact that this round is costing us about $9500.00!!!
So - we're triggering tonite at 9PM and the ER will be on Sunday at 9AM.
Now, now is when we need the prayers n happy thoughts n naked fertility dances - we need them from right this second, until the pregnancy test.............. Oh my God - Don't make me have to do this again!
PS - Still hoping and praying with everything that we have, that more eggs will mature/grow between now and Sunday AM!!!
Needless to say, it's been a rough couple days - cried all day yesterday and today has started the same way............. this sucks and I wouldn't wish it on..... OK, OK, I can't lie, there is the odd person I'd wish this on, but most people, no way - NO ONE should have to go through this hell!!
There you have it - welcome to my hell. I've been through IUI's and thought I'd at least have a small idea of the stress I'd be going through with this - turns out - not so much. You cant even compare them!!!
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Nervous, and then some
OMG, I'm so nervous right now. We leave to go for my ER, within minutes and I'm terrified. Yeah, they SAY there's no pain - but do I trust them - not really. I'll believe no pain, when I FEEL no pain! :) That, and I really am scared that they're only gonna get 1 or 2 eggs. I've been doing my yoga poses and talking to my eggs, telling them to grow big n strong and make us some healthy babies. Well, within in the hour-ish, we'll find out if they listened.
I really wish I'd have had some inclination of the stress we were going to go through for this entire process - you think it can't possibly be too much worse than what you've already been through. Man, was I wrong in that thinking.
Christina called me last night and wished me luck and told me all 4 of them over there are crossing their fingers and praying that everything goes good. She's just too sweet and, I might add, the only one that called and said anything about the ER - Oh Christina, how I love thee.
Day after retrieval
Day after retrieval - So glad that's done. No pain MY ASS!!! It took Dr H forever to find a vein to put in the IV - which isn't unusual. Then, they put in the 'good drugs' or so they called them. Well, Let's just say, I felt pain and they couldn't get enough drugs in me, to stop the pain. Thank God it didn't take too long - about 10 - 15 minutes I think!? Feeling needles going through your vagina, isn't an experience I'd wish on many - I'm not gonna lie, there might be the odd person I can think of who should... hehehe Shhhh
The recovery, for the rest of the day, was terrible. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach, while someone else, wearing a stiletto heel, kicked me in the vagina and yet one other person, wearing a steel toed boot, kicked me in the back. Not much fun at all.
BUT, they got 10 eggs!! 10!? The embryologist figures that about 9 of them will be mature, though they wouldn't know anymore until later that day. 10 - YAY - I was so excited to hear that number!! Now, we just have to pray they all fertilize and we go from there. They're going to be calling us within the next 2 hours to let us know how many fertilized........ praying that most of them did! Go eggs n sperm, put your game face on, now is the time!!!
I'm hoping for a 5 day transfer, as they can be even a bit more successful than a 3 day, but hey, beggers can't be choosers, I'll take whatever I can get!
*crossing fingers for many fertilized eggs*
6 have now fertilized!!! Go embabies, go!
We got the call from our embryologist, out of 10 eggs, 8 of them were mature. Of the 8 mature ones, 6 of them fertilized!! Go egg n sperm go!! Now, it's more of a waiting game - we have to wait until tomorrow, to see if they're all still growing or not. It's terribly..... nerve wracking, to say the least.
I almost forgot - I guess I should list when I'm getting ultrasounds and how much meds I'm taking - for those of you who are also going through the same thing and or thinking about going through the same thing:
Birth Control Pills from March 23rd - April 14th
Started Suprefact April 8th - 0.5mg
April 19th - Had ultrasound which found the cyst
April 20th - Was supposed to start the meds, but have to wait for cyst to go away
April 21st - Blood test in the morning, clinic calls in the afternoon and gives us the green light to start the meds
Meds: 200IU Puregon, 75IU and still doing 0.5mg Suprefact (all in the evening between 6 - 9pm)
April 24th - Blood test: Clinic calls and says to bump up my Puregon to 300IU and to come into the clinic on Monday for blood test and ultrasound
April 27th - Blood test & ultrasound: 10 eggs growing, but they're small - continue with the same meds and go back on Thursday
April 30th - Blood test and ultrasound: Still have 10 eggs, only 2 are mature - continue wuth the same meds and go back tomorrow
May 1st - Ultrasound only: about 3 mature eggs - Dr decided it best to trigger tonite - Trigger shot at 9PM - ER at 9AM Sunday
May 3rd - ER: Retreived 10 eggs
May 4th - Embryologist called: of the 10, 8 are mature and of those 8 - 6 fertilized
May 5th - Embryologist called: of the 6 fertilized, all 6 are still going strong
May 6th - Appt at the clinic to talk about what to do with embabies: decided (through many tears) to hold out for a 5 day transfer
May 7th - Embryologist called: of the 6, all 6 are still growing and doing there thing: 2, maybe 3 seem to the the best ones
May 8th - Appt for ET:
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Starting the terrifying wait
9 days into stimming - Well, as you can see above, the ultrasound was good, and not so good. Good in the fact that I have 10 eggs and the cycle didn't get canceled, but not so good in the fact that they're growing slowly, and I'll need to continue on with the meds a few more days. Just the thought of being on the meds longer, is awful. My poor belly - it's official, I'm going to have to switch to sweat pants on a daily basis, even work, as it's just too painful to sit at my desk wearing jeans. It's kinda funny, sitting at my desk with my pants open, but man, it needs to be done.
I was scared going to the appointment at the clinic as I wasn't sure what to expect - I always try to hope for the best, but expect the worst. I would have been devastated if the cycle had to have been canceled or something, but we're good to go on that front. I read all the time about women in the States who get 15, 20, 25 eggs - is it just an American thing to get that many? My Dr was pleased that I only have 10. Though, honestly, there can be more he just didn't see *here's hoping*
Anyways, I'm supposed to carry on with the same dose of all meds and go back to the clinic on Thursday (today being Tuesday) for another ultrasound and blood test - hopefully they'll know more now - cuz all Dr H said was 'You're ER will be next week sometime' <-- Which was a bummer, considering it was originally scheduled for this coming Friday. We were so looking forward to getting the 'show on the road', as they say. Having it delayed and having to do more meds... well, it sucks, nough said.
Last night I started doing yoga poses, with soft, soothing music and a candle burning while having a wee pep talk with my eggs, telling them to grow, fast and healthy and plenty. <-- Hey, you laugh, but when you're going through this - you'll try damn near anything!!
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I never knew the stress involved
Day 11 of stimming: Well, I sit here, through a haze of tears - part meds I'm on and part news we got this AM. Had another ultrasound - I still have 10 follicles, however, only 2 of them are mature right now. I have 2 that are 18 and the rest are smaller. One at 9 another at 10 and a few others in the 12 - 16mm range. If we wait too long to get in and get them, the 2 18's will be too big and there-fore, to old to do anything with. But, if we go in now, we'll only get 2. I have to go back for another ultrasound/blood work tomorrow AM and we'll see whats going on then. Dr H figures the ER will be Sunday or Monday. I'm terrified that we'll only get 2... and just cuz there's a follicle, doesn't mean there will be an egg in it - so potentially with 2, we could end up with one, or none. Here's what Dr H has on his website:
Say you have 10 follicles
7 of those have eggs in them
Only 6 of the 7 are mature
5 of the 6 fertilized
Only 3 are good quality embryos
2 transferred, 1 frozen *and not everyone gets any strong enough to freeze*
So - you can see why I'm crying now? I'm trying to be positive, but its hard right now - between the meds and the news - I'm a wreck. I got sent home from work and told not to come in tomorrow either - thank you Sarrah.
This sucks!!
Back to the clinic tomorrow morning to see what's going on - come on eggs - grow babies, grow!
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Sooo scared.... I'm sick of fighting so hard, for something that should come so easily - and does come easily to most! <-- Sorry, had to vent - again. Man I cant wait til these meds are out of my system, LOL
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A crying mess
I hear, from my acupuncturist, that if Dr H thinks you don't have enough eggs or whatever, that he'll cancel the cycle and I hear he cancels a lot of them. So thats a plus, as he thinks everything will still work!? <-- I'm trying to focus on that! There is still a chance that a few of the other eggs will catch up - we're just walking a real fine line right now - wait too long, and the 2 good ones will be gone, or go in now and only get 2. I had to take an additional dose of my meds tonite and back to the clinic tomorrow. Another thing too - once they give me the trigger shot, that also helps mature/grow the eggs and eggs can grow 1 - 3mm per day - I'm hoping for 3mm for the smaller ones, and 1mm per day for the big ones <-- is that too much to ask for? :) From all the shit I've been through, I don't think thats too much to ask! I've been a blubbering baby all freakin day. Cried on my way to work.... got teary eyed at work, got sent home from work and cried as soon as I got here. Finally calmed down, ate lunch and fixed my make up so I could go to acupuncture and as son as I said I only have 2 mature eggs right now - the waterworks came on again - strong. Poor Rachele had me come sit on the bed as she rubbed my knee and we chatted, whole I cried. Then, I thought I was better - til she was putting needles in - they were hurting extra today - prolly from stress and being sooo tired of needles - and again, I started crying and she had to stop. Finally, good to go again and cried a wee bit on the way home. Then cried again when I got home... cried a wee bit when I told Mom about it tonite - and now, I seem to be all dried out and have no tears left!! hehehe Seriously, I laugh, but I honestly don't think I have any tears left!? :)
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Triggering tonite!
Well - just back from the clinic now - I have 3 or 4 eggs!? 3 I think, that are ready - I tried not to pay too much attention to it cuz I didn't want it to freak me out - tho I should have paid attention - cuz I'm freaked right the fuck out. Been crying since we left the clinic. Terrified that they're only get 2 eggs or something........ I'm not sure I can go through this again and I REALLY hope and pray I wont have to!! I have too much invested in this one round - I've given up everything, and about to give up more. Had to give up coffee/caffeine, I can no longer workout, I cant have junk food, I've had about 48 needles in my belly in the past 3 weeks, the emotional toll of it all........ it's hell, it really is. And that doesn't even include the fact that this round is costing us about $9500.00!!!
So - we're triggering tonite at 9PM and the ER will be on Sunday at 9AM.
Now, now is when we need the prayers n happy thoughts n naked fertility dances - we need them from right this second, until the pregnancy test.............. Oh my God - Don't make me have to do this again!
PS - Still hoping and praying with everything that we have, that more eggs will mature/grow between now and Sunday AM!!!
Needless to say, it's been a rough couple days - cried all day yesterday and today has started the same way............. this sucks and I wouldn't wish it on..... OK, OK, I can't lie, there is the odd person I'd wish this on, but most people, no way - NO ONE should have to go through this hell!!
There you have it - welcome to my hell. I've been through IUI's and thought I'd at least have a small idea of the stress I'd be going through with this - turns out - not so much. You cant even compare them!!!
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Nervous, and then some
OMG, I'm so nervous right now. We leave to go for my ER, within minutes and I'm terrified. Yeah, they SAY there's no pain - but do I trust them - not really. I'll believe no pain, when I FEEL no pain! :) That, and I really am scared that they're only gonna get 1 or 2 eggs. I've been doing my yoga poses and talking to my eggs, telling them to grow big n strong and make us some healthy babies. Well, within in the hour-ish, we'll find out if they listened.
I really wish I'd have had some inclination of the stress we were going to go through for this entire process - you think it can't possibly be too much worse than what you've already been through. Man, was I wrong in that thinking.
Christina called me last night and wished me luck and told me all 4 of them over there are crossing their fingers and praying that everything goes good. She's just too sweet and, I might add, the only one that called and said anything about the ER - Oh Christina, how I love thee.
Day after retrieval
Day after retrieval - So glad that's done. No pain MY ASS!!! It took Dr H forever to find a vein to put in the IV - which isn't unusual. Then, they put in the 'good drugs' or so they called them. Well, Let's just say, I felt pain and they couldn't get enough drugs in me, to stop the pain. Thank God it didn't take too long - about 10 - 15 minutes I think!? Feeling needles going through your vagina, isn't an experience I'd wish on many - I'm not gonna lie, there might be the odd person I can think of who should... hehehe Shhhh
The recovery, for the rest of the day, was terrible. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach, while someone else, wearing a stiletto heel, kicked me in the vagina and yet one other person, wearing a steel toed boot, kicked me in the back. Not much fun at all.
BUT, they got 10 eggs!! 10!? The embryologist figures that about 9 of them will be mature, though they wouldn't know anymore until later that day. 10 - YAY - I was so excited to hear that number!! Now, we just have to pray they all fertilize and we go from there. They're going to be calling us within the next 2 hours to let us know how many fertilized........ praying that most of them did! Go eggs n sperm, put your game face on, now is the time!!!
I'm hoping for a 5 day transfer, as they can be even a bit more successful than a 3 day, but hey, beggers can't be choosers, I'll take whatever I can get!
*crossing fingers for many fertilized eggs*
6 have now fertilized!!! Go embabies, go!
We got the call from our embryologist, out of 10 eggs, 8 of them were mature. Of the 8 mature ones, 6 of them fertilized!! Go egg n sperm go!! Now, it's more of a waiting game - we have to wait until tomorrow, to see if they're all still growing or not. It's terribly..... nerve wracking, to say the least.
Just4Today Ladies - where would I be without them?
Officially done running
Well, it's official, getting 3 needles in your belly, all around the same time, suck heiny!! Well, only one of them REALLY sucks - the Repronex. The first night it left a huge welt and bruise, pretty much as soon as it came out. Never in my life have I had such a small bruise, hurt so much - I feel like such a whiner.
Right after that shot, I went for a run with Mariah and everything was fine. Well, the next day rolls around, the bruise is still there and still hurts like a bugger, so I think - maybe I should go for a run before my needles today. Well, just as Mariah and I start running, I realize, my running days are now officially over until this whole process is done. The entire time we were running, I had to hold my tummy - the jiggling - made it hurt - BAD.
Then the next batch of needles comes along - knowing what's about to come, only makes it worse. Well, this time seemed better, no bruise and no welt. Well, the next day, today, there's still no bruise, but it is red and hurts just as much as the bruised one. OMG - we're seriously going to run out of spots to inject this stuff soon - my belly isn't that big - it's not like it's going to be awhile before we have to go about the same spot. :) ACK!
I have a feeling, within the next day or 2, the jeans will get tossed out for less stiff material. Jeans hurt to wear as they dig into my sore belly. Even getting up and moving too fast, hurts <-- Phew, I can't believe how much fun this is all turning out to be - who of you are jealous? Come on, don't be shy - I know you all wanna be just like me!? hahaha
Oh well, not much I can do but suck it up and continue squeezing my sperm stress ball and Mariahs hands, while getting my needles - then grin and bear the pain. Yes, that's right, I have a sperm shaped stress ball - it kicks ass!
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Just4Today Ladies - where would I be without them?
Oh how I love my ladies - Just4Today, infertile ladies (yet one is now pregnant - YAY - she paved the way for the rest of us). I had a wee pity party for me to them and here's what they said *Sorry if you all don't care about what my friends have said and you don't want to read about it - if you don't want o read it, that's fine by me. But I will continue to post what they say and talk about them, as without them, I KNOW there would be no way I would have come as far as I have, without them*
Anyways, here's what Kim said:
Wow Shawna, I'm feeling you. I'm not doing it yet, but I am anticipating it and I am terrified too. Absolutely terrified. However, already I've been thinking about it working and I hate myself for thinking that way. Of course it should work, why wouldn't it, but what if.....I am soooo up in arms about it all too. It kind of sucks that everyone knows about it too b/c everyone has these expectations...these beliefs that it will work. Cheer me on, have faith for me, but it is hard for me still. The stupid part about it all, is that I have thoughts of twins rather than just one baby. STUPID< STUPID...setting myself up for something so grande....haven't I learned. This is year number four starting this month....have I learned nothing?? I know, I know...stay positive. Keep my chin up, think and you will achieve. Hmmmmm.....but all I know is failure...all I know is disappointment, keep realistic....or be devastated IF it doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than this to be the time. But I am scared....damn it...I'm getting used to it just being Kris and me and what happens if I don't want it as much as I used to? All these years have spoiled me with him. I used to want one so badly, but I have it in my head that I can't...my defense system started last year of "maybe you don't want one anyways". Then I see someone with a kid or I babysit and the need flows back. Please, please let this work!!
I am scared about the injectables too, sounds like it sucks the nut! I will do it but no promises I won't do it without whining. After all, the whining is part of it....feel bad for me Kris...I do it all for us...for what we will have.
I've already pictured me during the holidays being pregnant. I've imagined telling my students! I've thought about how I will feel in the first while. I can see it....but I've seen it all before...many times.
Pity party...NO Shawna, it is not a pity party for any of us. These are very real emotions and scars that we have developed through this awful journey. It has helped to shape who we are whether we like it or not. We ARE those friends that "can't get pregnant" or "had such a tough time" we all needed a person to tell this story, why not us. I think we are strong women...and freaking brave. I can't think of many other people that could do this and SURVIVE. It has been tough and it is not over, but we will survive and go on to raise children..MARK MY WORDS! Some day, some way....we were meant to be parents and it will happen.
Hold in there Shawna, you can make it these next few weeks. We will all be biting our lips in anticipation for your results. We want it for you too! I'm able to bare it for any of us getting preggers. We need to keep up the support. It is what keeps us strong in this fight. Knowing that there are others going through the same struggles is a bizarre way to feel connected. Misery loves company....in our case misery brings comfort.
P.S. - I am in one of those weird moods.
P.S.S - Kris and I got approved for our loan today...we are a go.
Talk soon,
Kimmy
And, the oh mighty pregnant one:
Okay Shawna and Kim,
I just finished reading both of your posts and I am in tears. I am so sorry both of you have to go through this. It sucks that you have to do so much more than the next person to get the one thing that shouldn't be this painful to get. I want so much for you all to be pregnant....I know you will be pregnant soon.
Shawna, keep being brave. You will get through this, have success, a beautiful baby or babies and be the best mother because of it. I wish you didn't have to take all of these shots...I know it is crappy. I feel bad because I have not had to go through nearly as much as all of you.
Kim, you are 110% percent right about you guys being strong women and brave. I admire you all so much, and honestly believe that if I hadn't met you all I would never have been successful in this journey. Talking to all of you has been a real source of comfort because we understand the pain involved with all of this.
In the next few weeks, both of you are going to be going through a life changing process ( I know that sounds stupid because this whole journey has been life changing). Hold on to your positive thoughts, love your husbands, find things to laugh about, and keep talking. I don't care how much whining you think you are doing....you're not! I am here to listen and support you just like you all have been for me. Any time you want to vent, like Nike "just do it!". You need to let these emotions out.
Kim, I don't mean to put pressure on you when I keep saying I have a feeling both yours and Shawna's IVF attempts will work. I just want you to know that I am here to support you no matter what the outcome.
Lots of love, big hugs and baby dust to everyone.
Natalie xoxoxo
Soooo nice to be able to talk to people who truly understand, who have, or are currently, going through the same things. Don't get me wrong, it's still nice to chat with my other friends and family, however, they're never truly understand, and there's no way they could. I'm not punishing them for not knowing and I don't expect them to know... I'm just saying how nice it is to ... like Kim said 'Misery loves company'?! hehehe
PS - The needles still suck and I've now turned into a crying baby every time I get them. Like I said before, it's a combo of the frustrations and the meds that are making me more emotional, so it doesn't take much to make me cry. And my poor belly... oh so sore...Dusty is so cute, last night, I was crying when he was giving me the needles, and after he hugged me and said how proud of me he was, how strong I was being and he was so sorry for me having to go through all this. And each and every night, when he's done giving me the shots, he kisses my belly once for each shot he gave me.
Last night and tonite, I cried before even getting the needles, just seeing the 3 needles lined up on the counter.... nough said. I'll try my best to not cry every night, but no guarantees. hehe
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Scared...
I have 3 emotions going on now – sad, excited and scared. No, wait, let's put them in order now: SCARED, excited and sad. Hehehe Scared cuz, well, going through all this, with no guarantees, isn’t easy – we’re praying for the best! Excited, cuz in just a couple weeks, we could find out I’m pregnant!!! And, last, but certainly not least, sad – cuz we even have to go through all this in the first place. It’s a combo of the meds and just the experience, but they’ve made me super emotional – I’ve cried a few times in the past couple weeks – getting more frequent lately. I cried and cried last night as Dusty was giving me my shots – just from the sheer frustration of it all and all my body is going through. I waver between positive and negative thoughts… trying my best to keep them positive! It’s tough tho, trying to stay positive, but, also trying to brace for the worst – it’s a fine, fine line to walk, and sometimes, I’m terrified of falling off.
Well, it's official, getting 3 needles in your belly, all around the same time, suck heiny!! Well, only one of them REALLY sucks - the Repronex. The first night it left a huge welt and bruise, pretty much as soon as it came out. Never in my life have I had such a small bruise, hurt so much - I feel like such a whiner.
Right after that shot, I went for a run with Mariah and everything was fine. Well, the next day rolls around, the bruise is still there and still hurts like a bugger, so I think - maybe I should go for a run before my needles today. Well, just as Mariah and I start running, I realize, my running days are now officially over until this whole process is done. The entire time we were running, I had to hold my tummy - the jiggling - made it hurt - BAD.
Then the next batch of needles comes along - knowing what's about to come, only makes it worse. Well, this time seemed better, no bruise and no welt. Well, the next day, today, there's still no bruise, but it is red and hurts just as much as the bruised one. OMG - we're seriously going to run out of spots to inject this stuff soon - my belly isn't that big - it's not like it's going to be awhile before we have to go about the same spot. :) ACK!
I have a feeling, within the next day or 2, the jeans will get tossed out for less stiff material. Jeans hurt to wear as they dig into my sore belly. Even getting up and moving too fast, hurts <-- Phew, I can't believe how much fun this is all turning out to be - who of you are jealous? Come on, don't be shy - I know you all wanna be just like me!? hahaha
Oh well, not much I can do but suck it up and continue squeezing my sperm stress ball and Mariahs hands, while getting my needles - then grin and bear the pain. Yes, that's right, I have a sperm shaped stress ball - it kicks ass!
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Just4Today Ladies - where would I be without them?
Oh how I love my ladies - Just4Today, infertile ladies (yet one is now pregnant - YAY - she paved the way for the rest of us). I had a wee pity party for me to them and here's what they said *Sorry if you all don't care about what my friends have said and you don't want to read about it - if you don't want o read it, that's fine by me. But I will continue to post what they say and talk about them, as without them, I KNOW there would be no way I would have come as far as I have, without them*
Anyways, here's what Kim said:
Wow Shawna, I'm feeling you. I'm not doing it yet, but I am anticipating it and I am terrified too. Absolutely terrified. However, already I've been thinking about it working and I hate myself for thinking that way. Of course it should work, why wouldn't it, but what if.....I am soooo up in arms about it all too. It kind of sucks that everyone knows about it too b/c everyone has these expectations...these beliefs that it will work. Cheer me on, have faith for me, but it is hard for me still. The stupid part about it all, is that I have thoughts of twins rather than just one baby. STUPID< STUPID...setting myself up for something so grande....haven't I learned. This is year number four starting this month....have I learned nothing?? I know, I know...stay positive. Keep my chin up, think and you will achieve. Hmmmmm.....but all I know is failure...all I know is disappointment, keep realistic....or be devastated IF it doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than this to be the time. But I am scared....damn it...I'm getting used to it just being Kris and me and what happens if I don't want it as much as I used to? All these years have spoiled me with him. I used to want one so badly, but I have it in my head that I can't...my defense system started last year of "maybe you don't want one anyways". Then I see someone with a kid or I babysit and the need flows back. Please, please let this work!!
I am scared about the injectables too, sounds like it sucks the nut! I will do it but no promises I won't do it without whining. After all, the whining is part of it....feel bad for me Kris...I do it all for us...for what we will have.
I've already pictured me during the holidays being pregnant. I've imagined telling my students! I've thought about how I will feel in the first while. I can see it....but I've seen it all before...many times.
Pity party...NO Shawna, it is not a pity party for any of us. These are very real emotions and scars that we have developed through this awful journey. It has helped to shape who we are whether we like it or not. We ARE those friends that "can't get pregnant" or "had such a tough time" we all needed a person to tell this story, why not us. I think we are strong women...and freaking brave. I can't think of many other people that could do this and SURVIVE. It has been tough and it is not over, but we will survive and go on to raise children..MARK MY WORDS! Some day, some way....we were meant to be parents and it will happen.
Hold in there Shawna, you can make it these next few weeks. We will all be biting our lips in anticipation for your results. We want it for you too! I'm able to bare it for any of us getting preggers. We need to keep up the support. It is what keeps us strong in this fight. Knowing that there are others going through the same struggles is a bizarre way to feel connected. Misery loves company....in our case misery brings comfort.
P.S. - I am in one of those weird moods.
P.S.S - Kris and I got approved for our loan today...we are a go.
Talk soon,
Kimmy
And, the oh mighty pregnant one:
Okay Shawna and Kim,
I just finished reading both of your posts and I am in tears. I am so sorry both of you have to go through this. It sucks that you have to do so much more than the next person to get the one thing that shouldn't be this painful to get. I want so much for you all to be pregnant....I know you will be pregnant soon.
Shawna, keep being brave. You will get through this, have success, a beautiful baby or babies and be the best mother because of it. I wish you didn't have to take all of these shots...I know it is crappy. I feel bad because I have not had to go through nearly as much as all of you.
Kim, you are 110% percent right about you guys being strong women and brave. I admire you all so much, and honestly believe that if I hadn't met you all I would never have been successful in this journey. Talking to all of you has been a real source of comfort because we understand the pain involved with all of this.
In the next few weeks, both of you are going to be going through a life changing process ( I know that sounds stupid because this whole journey has been life changing). Hold on to your positive thoughts, love your husbands, find things to laugh about, and keep talking. I don't care how much whining you think you are doing....you're not! I am here to listen and support you just like you all have been for me. Any time you want to vent, like Nike "just do it!". You need to let these emotions out.
Kim, I don't mean to put pressure on you when I keep saying I have a feeling both yours and Shawna's IVF attempts will work. I just want you to know that I am here to support you no matter what the outcome.
Lots of love, big hugs and baby dust to everyone.
Natalie xoxoxo
Soooo nice to be able to talk to people who truly understand, who have, or are currently, going through the same things. Don't get me wrong, it's still nice to chat with my other friends and family, however, they're never truly understand, and there's no way they could. I'm not punishing them for not knowing and I don't expect them to know... I'm just saying how nice it is to ... like Kim said 'Misery loves company'?! hehehe
PS - The needles still suck and I've now turned into a crying baby every time I get them. Like I said before, it's a combo of the frustrations and the meds that are making me more emotional, so it doesn't take much to make me cry. And my poor belly... oh so sore...Dusty is so cute, last night, I was crying when he was giving me the needles, and after he hugged me and said how proud of me he was, how strong I was being and he was so sorry for me having to go through all this. And each and every night, when he's done giving me the shots, he kisses my belly once for each shot he gave me.
Last night and tonite, I cried before even getting the needles, just seeing the 3 needles lined up on the counter.... nough said. I'll try my best to not cry every night, but no guarantees. hehe
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Scared...
I have 3 emotions going on now – sad, excited and scared. No, wait, let's put them in order now: SCARED, excited and sad. Hehehe Scared cuz, well, going through all this, with no guarantees, isn’t easy – we’re praying for the best! Excited, cuz in just a couple weeks, we could find out I’m pregnant!!! And, last, but certainly not least, sad – cuz we even have to go through all this in the first place. It’s a combo of the meds and just the experience, but they’ve made me super emotional – I’ve cried a few times in the past couple weeks – getting more frequent lately. I cried and cried last night as Dusty was giving me my shots – just from the sheer frustration of it all and all my body is going through. I waver between positive and negative thoughts… trying my best to keep them positive! It’s tough tho, trying to stay positive, but, also trying to brace for the worst – it’s a fine, fine line to walk, and sometimes, I’m terrified of falling off.
A hearty congrats to one of 'My Girls'
A hearty congrats to one of 'My Girls'
Remember me talking about 'My Girls'? Our infertility group? Well, one of us, I won't mention names yet, just went through an IUI while I was away on my trip. Well, a hearty congrats to her, as she's now pregnant - after 2 1/2 years of trying. This was the 1st time I heard of another woman being pregnant, that I didn't cry, after hearing the news. It hurt, I'm not going to lie - no matter who you are, it's going to hurt me to hear about you being pregnant, it comes with the territory. BUT, since she too fought infertility, I couldn't be happier for her if I tried. She's fought the battle and come out, a success, It gives the rest of us, still fighting, hope.
The same night I found out about her, I also found out, through Facebook, that Katy was expecting a boy. <-- That hurt, I'm not going to lie. I had been home for about a week already, sitting in front of her day after day, and she felt the need to hide the fact that she's carrying a boy, from me? Come on, I know I need to be protected from some of this, but really, I knew you were going to have a girl.. or a boy.. neither would have come as a surprise. Now, had she been pregnant with twins, I might have had some ..... crying episodes about that.... but not just by finding out the sex.
Anyways, I emailed Katy and told her how it made me feel. I totally understand that she wanted to protect me, and it sucks I even have to be protected in the 1st place - but she now knows, just keep me in the loop. It's much better than me finding out something, accidentally.
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Bre, how I love thee
YAY - last day of BCP's last night *party dance, party dance*. Man those thing were horrible. Just had to add that! :)
Also, since Dusty and I are doing the 'deal' that Dr H has going on, it also includes an Introduction to Reproductive Wellness through LIFEstreams. YAY, more stuff to help better the odds, count me in. BUT, the only thing I don't like about it, is that my acupuncturist, is not the one they use. Now, I have to start with a completely new acupuncturist and start everything all over again. I liked Harris and am bummed that I have to start with someone new. It just doesn't make sense to keep going to Harris, and paying $75.00 a session, when I'll already be going to acupuncture twice a week, at no additional charge. Sorry Harris - I'll miss you. :)
Oh, I sent a message to Bre the other night, letting her know where we are in the cycle, what's going on, what's planned, etc. Well, leave it to Bre to send me an email back that brought me to tears:
Hi lady!
Yikes! Sounds like you're going through a hell of a lot more than I ever imagined!!! All in the name of love, which is amazing, and probably the only thing that is giving you this strength to do all these scary things! But, at least you know these docs are getting pretty good at these procedures these days and I'm sure you are in good hands. I can't believe how much you can endure, and at the same time, if anyone could do this, it is you. You are my she-ra!
I have a hard time imagining you in pain...in fact, I can't do it! I'll start to cry just thinking about you being so brave and putting your body through this! I'd be too scared to do almost everything you told me so far. That being said, I'm really glad you're doing this because it really just proves how much you two love each other, and it shows through the sacrifices you are willing to take....it really is amazing...I hope to have that kind of love one day. You will be a story I tell of unconditional, unwavering love to prove it does exist outside of the movies.
Keep being brave woman and hold your head high....I know you can do this....I love you and you have the strength to endure this all. SHE-RA!
Isn't she just the sweetest thing, EVER!? Oh how I love you Bre!! <3
We have our first suppression check this coming Saturday at the fertility clinic. Just to make sure everything is all suppressed n shit hehehe As long as everything is good and there are no left over follicles or anything, we'll be getting the green light to go ahead with the other meds (the 'stimming' phase). It's about an average of 9 - 12 days of stimming, then triggering and ER. Wow, getting so close now.
I'm mixed between disbelief that it's already been 3 weeks into the process, and anxious because it seems like it's taking forever. I have approximately 4 weeks left and we'll know, one way or the other if this IVF has worked and has made our dreams come true. One month, isn't that long away, yet, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I try to think positively, but at the same time, remain neutral and prepared for a negative result. It's not an easy balance, by any stretch of the imagination. We're told to stay positive, think positive thoughts - It WILL happen' but then, we're scared to think positive, as it might make it harder, should the process fail. Where is the happy medium!? If someone could let me know, that would be fabulous. :)
PS - The Suprefact injections - kinda suck. The don't really hurt going in, but sometimes they hurt when the medication is going in, and I now also have a couple small cruises on my stomach from them. Now imagine when I get to add 2 more shots, in my belly, at the same time, every night, to the mix - oh the fun that is had by all!!? <-- Can you hear the sarcasm? :)
3 sleeps and we'll find out if we're good to go....... and counting
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And one more person I'd like to thank, Sarrah. Sarrah has been great since she's learned of our battle. She donated money and when I sent her an email to keep her in the loop, I told her to feel free and ask anything she wants - afterall, there wasn't much left for me to hide hehe And, she did. She wanted to know all about IVF and what we were going through. She's our 'Team Lead' at work, and my 'go to' girl when I need time off, etc. She's been super supportive and has no problems with me coming in late, leaving early or taking a few days off, if needed. HUGS to you Sarrah - It helps more than you know!
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The day has come for the ultrasound and blood test, to make sure I'm all suppressed and ready to go with the other shots. Well, turns out, I have a small cyst. It was already 'popped' and on it's way to disappearing when Dr H saw it, but it was still a bummer to hear I had one. I now have to wait until Monday and go for a blood test first thing in the morning, and pray it's gone, as I can't start the other meds, until it's gone. Least it's, hopefully, only one more day - I can live with that. Though if it turns out to be longer, I WILL cry. The entire situation scares the be-geezus out of me, but, I want to get it all going, get a move on, let's get this party started, as they say. Come on Monday... and come on cyst, you're not welcome here - GO AWAY!
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Vampira - just my luck
OMFG I had a total Vampira this morning for my blood test. Wow, I've never had a blood test hurt so much, she damn near made me cry. Even Dusty commented on how rough she did it. When I have to go for another blood test, which I have to on Friday, if she's working again, I'm going to cry and run the other way!
I finally heard back from the clinic - everything is good, we were given the green light to start the other meds tonite - YAY - scary, but YAY! :)
After I got the news from the clinic, I had my first appointment with my new acupuncturist. I had a bad headache, and was a little sad I was switching acupuncturists and having to start all over again. Add on to that the fact that I had to fill out the same forms I've filled out a few times now, AND I had to sit around and wait for 1/2 an hour for my appt, and needless to say, I wanted no part of being there. Though once I met Rachelle, it went better. She was super nice and I was pretty comfortable right away with her, so that's good.
Next appointment with her is Thursday, 3 days from today and then I have an appointment with Jennifer V, for 'Therapeutic Support'. Basically to make sure I'm not going insane and to make sure I'm somewhat stable - little does she know - I AM going insane, and am far from stable - It'll be most entertaining for her I'm sure. :)
Alright, and then it came time for our big night, the first night of 'stimming', which means, the first night of starting the drugs, that will now make my body produce many eggs - unlike the one egg per month most women produce. All in all, I'd say it took about 1/2 an hour from start to finish. First we had to take the Puregon out of the fridge for about 20 minutes first, so then it'll sting less. And we also have to mix the Repronex and get that ready.
It was sad for me, seeing all 3 needles lined up on the counter, knowing they were all going to be injected into me, all in the hopes of getting pregnant. I try not not think about it, and not let it get me down, but, it's hard. With being on the meds I am, I'm already more sensitive/emotional, so sometimes it's hard not to think about how UNfair this entire thing is. The crackhead down the street has sex and pops out babies like their pellets. Us, on the other hand, a very loving, caring couple who would love nothing more than to have a child together, have to go through this hell, with no guarantees in the end - it might work, it might not. Where is the fairness in that?
I had sent an email to Christina telling her about the SHG and the endometrial biopsy and here's what she said back:
OMG that is just horrible. I can't believe that you have to go through soooo much pain. I really was crying with you and for you when I read the account of what they did to you. Jesus, you would figure that they could knock you out for the procedure. My poor girl, that is so horrible and I feel really really sorry for you and Dusty having to go through everything - the emotional roller coaster and now the physical pain in addition to everything else. It's almost like adding insult to injury. I am soooo sorry and I am sending you tons and tons of hugs and a few cuddles to hopefully make you feel better or maybe grin and bear the pain just a little easier. You know that you are soooo strong and brave for going through this. I am sure that a lot of people would say at this point "Forget it, I am not doing THAT". You are an amazing woman and you will make an amazing mom - again. You deserve it and it will happen! Darn it, my fingers and toes are about to fall off from all the keeping crossed and it better darn well happen with this first try. After all it's not your first procedure - you guys have done sooo much already. And yes, you are right that it is not fair at all. Don't ask me why God punishes good people with infertility, yet some dumb asses can pop out kids one after another just to neglect them or have them taken away by the Ministry. That just doesn't add up in my books. I really don't know how someone can be so cruel. Since I believe that S/He has to have a heart, I also have to believe that it's going to work for you guys. So keep your chin up and stay positive as much as possible - even though it's incredibly difficult. You are on the road to trying to make this happen. Now just hang in there for the ride and lets hope that in May we have good news and a whole new journey will start for all of you.
Thinking of you and sending you a megaton of hugs.
Christina
She's so sweet!
Also, I sent an email to one of my girls, one of my pregnant, Infertile Girls. I asked her questions like: Before she got pregnant, could she ever picture a positive pregnancy test? And, did she feel like her procedure wasn't going to work, etc. Well, here's what she said, and she has made me feel so much better, as now I know she has had the same feelings, and yet she is now pregnant - and loving every minute of it.
Hey You!
Sorry to take so long to respond...I don't check this email frequently enough...but I will start! When I went for the IUI I definitely did not think it was going to work...I've always thought going through the whole infertility journey that I was being punished from God for doing things Ii shouldn't have. I also have always had a deep feeling that I wouldn't get pregnant.......when I went into the IUI I went in thinking "I don't care if I don't get pregnant because chances are this is not going to work anyways".....really I did care but I knew I couldn't get my hopes up because I would be devastated if it didn't work. I talked with God before it happened and asked him to let it happen for me just to let me know I could have kids...I promised I would be a better person and give the baby a good life. Obviously he listened.....
You just have to get to the point that you know you will be okay if it doesn't work (kind of trick your mind into thinking that there is always another shot at it happening)...it's hard to explain.....I almost didn't go in for the IUI because I was so sure it wouldn't work. The nurse said something really calming to me before the procedure was done and I think it had a big effect on its success as well, She pulled George and I aside and said "You know the chances of this working on the first try are slim, right?" we both answered "Yes" and then she said "I want you to look at it this way when you go into the room, even if this one doesn't take than at least you are one step closer to having a chance at it being successful" I thought about that a lot when I was in the waiting room waiting to be called in and it actually helped me....going through the IUI was going to be one more big step in our journey whether it was successful or not...it gave me an open mind to just let things happen how they were supposed to. When I was lying on the table and the procedure was being done, George was holding my hand and I felt really calm and peaceful for the first time in the whole journey of trying to get pregnant.
I know you going through IVF is significantly more expensive than an IUI, but both you and Dusty need to look at this as bringing you one step close to the success that you want. Have Dusty in there with you at the time of the procedure and hold hands....its a really neat feeling to have that connection with your partner when you are on the verge of having your life change for better or worse. Stay calm and visualize the baby .....I did this when it was happening and it helped.
You are going to be successful, I just know it. Take things slowly and always know that no matter what you go through its bringing you one step closer to meeting your little miracle. You are not crazy...I have thought everything you have at one point or another.
Even being pregnant now, I think everyday that the baby might be taken away because of things I have done incorrectly in life. The baby is God's, not mine or George's for the moment and he has the end say in everything. We just try to take it one day at a time as a gift and stay positive...it's all we can do.
I never was able to picture a positive pregnancy test and when I saw one I cried immediately, I was stunned and unable to know how to react. Even now, I sometimes don't believe I am pregnant and that I will get a call saying they made a big mistake. It's your minds way of protecting you from a complete break down....because the more you detach yourself the less it will hurt in the end if things do not work out.
I'm always here to talk to if you need it.....you won't go through this alone, I promise! You are a wonderful mother already and the baby that will arrive shortly will be lucky to have you as its parent.
Big hugs and smoochies,
I needed to hear all that - as it was scaring me that I was having those thoughts - now I know, they come with the fight, sad, but true.
Remember me talking about 'My Girls'? Our infertility group? Well, one of us, I won't mention names yet, just went through an IUI while I was away on my trip. Well, a hearty congrats to her, as she's now pregnant - after 2 1/2 years of trying. This was the 1st time I heard of another woman being pregnant, that I didn't cry, after hearing the news. It hurt, I'm not going to lie - no matter who you are, it's going to hurt me to hear about you being pregnant, it comes with the territory. BUT, since she too fought infertility, I couldn't be happier for her if I tried. She's fought the battle and come out, a success, It gives the rest of us, still fighting, hope.
The same night I found out about her, I also found out, through Facebook, that Katy was expecting a boy. <-- That hurt, I'm not going to lie. I had been home for about a week already, sitting in front of her day after day, and she felt the need to hide the fact that she's carrying a boy, from me? Come on, I know I need to be protected from some of this, but really, I knew you were going to have a girl.. or a boy.. neither would have come as a surprise. Now, had she been pregnant with twins, I might have had some ..... crying episodes about that.... but not just by finding out the sex.
Anyways, I emailed Katy and told her how it made me feel. I totally understand that she wanted to protect me, and it sucks I even have to be protected in the 1st place - but she now knows, just keep me in the loop. It's much better than me finding out something, accidentally.
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Bre, how I love thee
YAY - last day of BCP's last night *party dance, party dance*. Man those thing were horrible. Just had to add that! :)
Also, since Dusty and I are doing the 'deal' that Dr H has going on, it also includes an Introduction to Reproductive Wellness through LIFEstreams. YAY, more stuff to help better the odds, count me in. BUT, the only thing I don't like about it, is that my acupuncturist, is not the one they use. Now, I have to start with a completely new acupuncturist and start everything all over again. I liked Harris and am bummed that I have to start with someone new. It just doesn't make sense to keep going to Harris, and paying $75.00 a session, when I'll already be going to acupuncture twice a week, at no additional charge. Sorry Harris - I'll miss you. :)
Oh, I sent a message to Bre the other night, letting her know where we are in the cycle, what's going on, what's planned, etc. Well, leave it to Bre to send me an email back that brought me to tears:
Hi lady!
Yikes! Sounds like you're going through a hell of a lot more than I ever imagined!!! All in the name of love, which is amazing, and probably the only thing that is giving you this strength to do all these scary things! But, at least you know these docs are getting pretty good at these procedures these days and I'm sure you are in good hands. I can't believe how much you can endure, and at the same time, if anyone could do this, it is you. You are my she-ra!
I have a hard time imagining you in pain...in fact, I can't do it! I'll start to cry just thinking about you being so brave and putting your body through this! I'd be too scared to do almost everything you told me so far. That being said, I'm really glad you're doing this because it really just proves how much you two love each other, and it shows through the sacrifices you are willing to take....it really is amazing...I hope to have that kind of love one day. You will be a story I tell of unconditional, unwavering love to prove it does exist outside of the movies.
Keep being brave woman and hold your head high....I know you can do this....I love you and you have the strength to endure this all. SHE-RA!
Isn't she just the sweetest thing, EVER!? Oh how I love you Bre!! <3
We have our first suppression check this coming Saturday at the fertility clinic. Just to make sure everything is all suppressed n shit hehehe As long as everything is good and there are no left over follicles or anything, we'll be getting the green light to go ahead with the other meds (the 'stimming' phase). It's about an average of 9 - 12 days of stimming, then triggering and ER. Wow, getting so close now.
I'm mixed between disbelief that it's already been 3 weeks into the process, and anxious because it seems like it's taking forever. I have approximately 4 weeks left and we'll know, one way or the other if this IVF has worked and has made our dreams come true. One month, isn't that long away, yet, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I try to think positively, but at the same time, remain neutral and prepared for a negative result. It's not an easy balance, by any stretch of the imagination. We're told to stay positive, think positive thoughts - It WILL happen' but then, we're scared to think positive, as it might make it harder, should the process fail. Where is the happy medium!? If someone could let me know, that would be fabulous. :)
PS - The Suprefact injections - kinda suck. The don't really hurt going in, but sometimes they hurt when the medication is going in, and I now also have a couple small cruises on my stomach from them. Now imagine when I get to add 2 more shots, in my belly, at the same time, every night, to the mix - oh the fun that is had by all!!? <-- Can you hear the sarcasm? :)
3 sleeps and we'll find out if we're good to go....... and counting
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And one more person I'd like to thank, Sarrah. Sarrah has been great since she's learned of our battle. She donated money and when I sent her an email to keep her in the loop, I told her to feel free and ask anything she wants - afterall, there wasn't much left for me to hide hehe And, she did. She wanted to know all about IVF and what we were going through. She's our 'Team Lead' at work, and my 'go to' girl when I need time off, etc. She's been super supportive and has no problems with me coming in late, leaving early or taking a few days off, if needed. HUGS to you Sarrah - It helps more than you know!
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The day has come for the ultrasound and blood test, to make sure I'm all suppressed and ready to go with the other shots. Well, turns out, I have a small cyst. It was already 'popped' and on it's way to disappearing when Dr H saw it, but it was still a bummer to hear I had one. I now have to wait until Monday and go for a blood test first thing in the morning, and pray it's gone, as I can't start the other meds, until it's gone. Least it's, hopefully, only one more day - I can live with that. Though if it turns out to be longer, I WILL cry. The entire situation scares the be-geezus out of me, but, I want to get it all going, get a move on, let's get this party started, as they say. Come on Monday... and come on cyst, you're not welcome here - GO AWAY!
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Vampira - just my luck
OMFG I had a total Vampira this morning for my blood test. Wow, I've never had a blood test hurt so much, she damn near made me cry. Even Dusty commented on how rough she did it. When I have to go for another blood test, which I have to on Friday, if she's working again, I'm going to cry and run the other way!
I finally heard back from the clinic - everything is good, we were given the green light to start the other meds tonite - YAY - scary, but YAY! :)
After I got the news from the clinic, I had my first appointment with my new acupuncturist. I had a bad headache, and was a little sad I was switching acupuncturists and having to start all over again. Add on to that the fact that I had to fill out the same forms I've filled out a few times now, AND I had to sit around and wait for 1/2 an hour for my appt, and needless to say, I wanted no part of being there. Though once I met Rachelle, it went better. She was super nice and I was pretty comfortable right away with her, so that's good.
Next appointment with her is Thursday, 3 days from today and then I have an appointment with Jennifer V, for 'Therapeutic Support'. Basically to make sure I'm not going insane and to make sure I'm somewhat stable - little does she know - I AM going insane, and am far from stable - It'll be most entertaining for her I'm sure. :)
Alright, and then it came time for our big night, the first night of 'stimming', which means, the first night of starting the drugs, that will now make my body produce many eggs - unlike the one egg per month most women produce. All in all, I'd say it took about 1/2 an hour from start to finish. First we had to take the Puregon out of the fridge for about 20 minutes first, so then it'll sting less. And we also have to mix the Repronex and get that ready.
It was sad for me, seeing all 3 needles lined up on the counter, knowing they were all going to be injected into me, all in the hopes of getting pregnant. I try not not think about it, and not let it get me down, but, it's hard. With being on the meds I am, I'm already more sensitive/emotional, so sometimes it's hard not to think about how UNfair this entire thing is. The crackhead down the street has sex and pops out babies like their pellets. Us, on the other hand, a very loving, caring couple who would love nothing more than to have a child together, have to go through this hell, with no guarantees in the end - it might work, it might not. Where is the fairness in that?
I had sent an email to Christina telling her about the SHG and the endometrial biopsy and here's what she said back:
OMG that is just horrible. I can't believe that you have to go through soooo much pain. I really was crying with you and for you when I read the account of what they did to you. Jesus, you would figure that they could knock you out for the procedure. My poor girl, that is so horrible and I feel really really sorry for you and Dusty having to go through everything - the emotional roller coaster and now the physical pain in addition to everything else. It's almost like adding insult to injury. I am soooo sorry and I am sending you tons and tons of hugs and a few cuddles to hopefully make you feel better or maybe grin and bear the pain just a little easier. You know that you are soooo strong and brave for going through this. I am sure that a lot of people would say at this point "Forget it, I am not doing THAT". You are an amazing woman and you will make an amazing mom - again. You deserve it and it will happen! Darn it, my fingers and toes are about to fall off from all the keeping crossed and it better darn well happen with this first try. After all it's not your first procedure - you guys have done sooo much already. And yes, you are right that it is not fair at all. Don't ask me why God punishes good people with infertility, yet some dumb asses can pop out kids one after another just to neglect them or have them taken away by the Ministry. That just doesn't add up in my books. I really don't know how someone can be so cruel. Since I believe that S/He has to have a heart, I also have to believe that it's going to work for you guys. So keep your chin up and stay positive as much as possible - even though it's incredibly difficult. You are on the road to trying to make this happen. Now just hang in there for the ride and lets hope that in May we have good news and a whole new journey will start for all of you.
Thinking of you and sending you a megaton of hugs.
Christina
She's so sweet!
Also, I sent an email to one of my girls, one of my pregnant, Infertile Girls. I asked her questions like: Before she got pregnant, could she ever picture a positive pregnancy test? And, did she feel like her procedure wasn't going to work, etc. Well, here's what she said, and she has made me feel so much better, as now I know she has had the same feelings, and yet she is now pregnant - and loving every minute of it.
Hey You!
Sorry to take so long to respond...I don't check this email frequently enough...but I will start! When I went for the IUI I definitely did not think it was going to work...I've always thought going through the whole infertility journey that I was being punished from God for doing things Ii shouldn't have. I also have always had a deep feeling that I wouldn't get pregnant.......when I went into the IUI I went in thinking "I don't care if I don't get pregnant because chances are this is not going to work anyways".....really I did care but I knew I couldn't get my hopes up because I would be devastated if it didn't work. I talked with God before it happened and asked him to let it happen for me just to let me know I could have kids...I promised I would be a better person and give the baby a good life. Obviously he listened.....
You just have to get to the point that you know you will be okay if it doesn't work (kind of trick your mind into thinking that there is always another shot at it happening)...it's hard to explain.....I almost didn't go in for the IUI because I was so sure it wouldn't work. The nurse said something really calming to me before the procedure was done and I think it had a big effect on its success as well, She pulled George and I aside and said "You know the chances of this working on the first try are slim, right?" we both answered "Yes" and then she said "I want you to look at it this way when you go into the room, even if this one doesn't take than at least you are one step closer to having a chance at it being successful" I thought about that a lot when I was in the waiting room waiting to be called in and it actually helped me....going through the IUI was going to be one more big step in our journey whether it was successful or not...it gave me an open mind to just let things happen how they were supposed to. When I was lying on the table and the procedure was being done, George was holding my hand and I felt really calm and peaceful for the first time in the whole journey of trying to get pregnant.
I know you going through IVF is significantly more expensive than an IUI, but both you and Dusty need to look at this as bringing you one step close to the success that you want. Have Dusty in there with you at the time of the procedure and hold hands....its a really neat feeling to have that connection with your partner when you are on the verge of having your life change for better or worse. Stay calm and visualize the baby .....I did this when it was happening and it helped.
You are going to be successful, I just know it. Take things slowly and always know that no matter what you go through its bringing you one step closer to meeting your little miracle. You are not crazy...I have thought everything you have at one point or another.
Even being pregnant now, I think everyday that the baby might be taken away because of things I have done incorrectly in life. The baby is God's, not mine or George's for the moment and he has the end say in everything. We just try to take it one day at a time as a gift and stay positive...it's all we can do.
I never was able to picture a positive pregnancy test and when I saw one I cried immediately, I was stunned and unable to know how to react. Even now, I sometimes don't believe I am pregnant and that I will get a call saying they made a big mistake. It's your minds way of protecting you from a complete break down....because the more you detach yourself the less it will hurt in the end if things do not work out.
I'm always here to talk to if you need it.....you won't go through this alone, I promise! You are a wonderful mother already and the baby that will arrive shortly will be lucky to have you as its parent.
Big hugs and smoochies,
I needed to hear all that - as it was scaring me that I was having those thoughts - now I know, they come with the fight, sad, but true.
$10,000 to have a baby!?
$10,000 to have a baby!?
$10,000 to have a baby!? It shouldn't be decided on who can have a baby, by what they can afford. I've said that before, but I can't say it enough - it's just so unfair. Some people argue that people who can't get pregnant on their own, is natures way of keeping the population down, a 'natural selection' if you will. Obviously the person who said that, either doesn't want kids, or already has them. You will NEVER find any woman, who's fighting Infertility, uttering those words.
Seriously. years and years ago, that was my mind set as well - if someone was not able to have children on their own, why fight nature - just adopt or move on with your life, without kids. <-- Some things do come back to bite you in the ass. You know, when being faced with something like Infertility, you really do start to wonder, 'Why us? What did we do wrong? Can't God not see how badly we want children - that we'd be great parents?' We can't help but have those thoughts... who wouldn't. It's the same for someone who gets diagnosed with cancer, or Aids - they too, I'm sure, question, Why them!? And I'll answer that for you now - Why us? <-- There is NO answer. But it's definitely NOT Gods way of punishing you for something you've done wrong. It's NOT a test of patience. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being human. Everyone is dealt something in their life to deal with, and this just happens to be our.... struggle.
So many people have told me how strong I am. How they'd never be able to go through what we do, month after month, without falling into some sort of serious depression. Well, most days, I'm not as strong as I look - ask Christina - I don't pretend with her. I'm upfront and very honest about how I'm feeling on any particular day - whether I'm doing good and being optimistic, or whether there's nothing I'd rather do than to just be 'ignorant' for a day or go home, curl up into a ball and cry. Remember back awhile when I said those fighting Infertility have to be quite the actors/actresses? Well, it's true - on the outside, we're strong, in control and dealing with everything with a positive mind set. On the inside, however, it can be far from OK. Most days, I'm fine, I'm thinking positive - but the battle, never leaves my mind, ever.
Just the thought of actually going through with IVF - I can't explain how much it terrifies me. The SHG - well, let me describe that for you - and you tell me how you'd feel about having to have that done:
Sonohysterogram = They put me in the position, just like getting a Pap done, and they fill my uterus with saline, in order to get a good look around and make sure everything is good to go for the IVF.
And not only that, but soon after, I have to go through all the meds/needles/ultrasounds/probes/retrieval and transfer - some of which, are also painful. Seriously, not a word of a lie, I just think about going through it, and I get the nervous shakes and some serious butterflies in my stomach. I start to question whether we should even do it in the first place - I mean, I know we will, and we want to, but ... just the thought of paying $10,000, going through all you have to go through, and possibly getting a negative result in the end, I don't even want to think about that, or I may just never go through with it at all.
I know there are MANY MANY women who have been fighting Infertility longer than I have, and to them, my heart goes out - they are my heroes. And I'm sure there's also many people who think that maybe Dusty and I are jumping the gun by moving to IVF already - since it hasn't even been 2 1/2 years yet - others have conceived on their own after this time - including my Other Mom, who took about 4 years to conceive. But, in our minds, it's been long enough - we've given it our all, we've tried less invasive treatments, tried on our own, and now it's time to move on. I'm not getting any younger and the older you get, the less chance of IVF even working, comes into play. That, and more risks of things going wrong with the pregnancy and or the baby. Add on to that, the fact that I wanna still be 'young' and have the energy to get down on the floor and play and interact with my children, and we don't think it's too soon to move onto IVF. I hear women complaining when it's been only 3 or 4 months of trying and it not happening yet - and yet they question my decision to move onto IVF after 28 months of trying? I'd like to see anyone go through Infertility for almost 2 1/2 years, and them not be desperate to try whatever it takes to finally make it happen.
Also, anytime I question whether IVF is for us, now, I remind myself how long it's been, how old we are, everything that we've already tried, AND the fact that even when Dusty was in his early 20's, he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend for 3 years, and she never got pregnant - but has since gone on to have kids. I don't want to wait another year of going through this hell, only to figure out that we should have moved on sooner - no thanks.
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Good news - IVF, here we come...
OK, finally, some good news. No, I'm not pregnant. If I were, you all would have heard me, from where ever you are, yelling, jumping up n down and crying tears of joy :) It'll happen.... soon! *positive thinking at it's finest*
The news: Mom and Dad have offered to loan us the money to go through with a round of IVF!!! OMG - sooo excited, yet sooo scared!!! It couldn't have happened at a better time either, as I just got my period, and I can now get the process started, ASAP.
OK, I should jump back a few days and tell you about our last appointment with Dr H. We had an appointment booked for a few short days after we returned from our honeymoon, to talk about the process of IVF - should we ever be able to afford it. We wanted to make sure, that in case we got the money and wanted to go through with it, that there weren't any waiting lists, or more tests to be done. If there were more tests to be done, let's get em down now. Here's what we learned:
Dr H told us that there is no waiting list, when we have the money, we just call the clinic and let them know that we're starting a round of IVF. He gave me a prescription for the birth controls pills (BCP's) and also a prescription for some antibiotics, to take before my Sonohysterogram and Endometrial biopsy, that I'd have to go through in the first couple weeks of the IVF journey. We got a paper explaining who to call and when, and to start taking prenatal vitamins (which I've already been taking for the past 28 months) and also to start taking an iron supplement as well.
Dr H told us about the endometrial biopsy - saying that studies are showing that doing it before an IVF, has been shown to improve implantation rates, which in turn leads to higher success with IVF. I say, bring it on - I'm all over doing anything to bring about a higher success rate.
He said he gives us a 50% chance of it working the first time and an 80% chance of it working within 3 tries. <-- He has a new payment plan going on now. You pay full price for your first round, and if that one is unsuccessful, then the 2nd and 3rd one (if needed) are then only $1000 PLUS the cost of meds. <-- That's HUGE, that's about a 50% savings for us. He's doing that payment plan, to try to help couples going through IVF as it's soooo expensive, most people put so much pressure on themselves for it working on the first go. Now, since it's soooo much cheaper for the next 2... he's hoping to take a bit of the stress off, everyone.
80% chance!!? The last time we heard 80% was when we were being told those were the odds against us. It's so nice to hear those numbers in favor of us for once.
Sooooo, when Mom told me about loaning us the money - Number 1: I cried, and thanked her and Number 2: I called the clinic the next day and told them we're starting, as I raced out to get the BCP's that I would be starting that very day.
How exciting/terrifying!!!!
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Birth Control pills suck nut!
Who knew the BCP's could possibly be the worst part of this entire process!? Cycle day 3, I took my first BCP, before bed - Cycle day 4, I had to have Gravol for breakfast, it wasn't pretty. I was seconds away from calling in sick to work, but since I had just told everyone there, that we were starting the IVF process that day, I didn't think it would go over well to call in sick, the very next day. Sucking it up and going to work, was rough, I'm not going to lie. Nothing like going to work, with nothing in your stomach but Gravol and wishing you could be anywhere BUT there.
I've since learned, to take my pills with supper. Though I have to say, that doesn't help all that much. I have been sick, in some way or the other, every single day since starting those damn things. Uncontrolably tired, feeling like I'm going to puke, sore breasts, and just a general feeling of being sick. Oh the things us women go through.
When I called the clinic to tell them that I was starting the BCP, they then booked my sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy. Once I read about the biopsy, I have to say, I was terrified. It even said 'It's painful and will cause a strong cramp'. Drs never tell you that something is painful, they always just say 'it's uncomfortable'. My tests were booked for April 8th at 11:30AM - 1 1/2 weeks away.
Sonohysterogram & Endometrial Biopsy
April 8th - The day has come, the day I have been dreading for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I had to leave work early and even on my way home I was crying because I was so scared of the biopsy. I'm not ashamed to admit, I'm a whimp when it comes to pain - especially pain.... down there.
We get to the clinic and are lead into a room where I'm asked to strip, from the waist down and lay on the table. I can't explain how scared I was......as I was laying there, waiting for the dreaded knock on the door to signal the Dr had arrived and the test was about to begin. As usual, with any Dr clinic, we had to wait about 1/2 an hour - but it felt like an eternity. I was dreading it, but I wanted to get it done and over with - no more waiting!
Finally, the Dr and assistant walk in. 'How are you doing today?' Dr H asks, with a big smile on his face. 'I'd be better if I wasn't here' I reply - to which we all giggle. I then asked if I could possibly get an epidural and Dr H laughed - little does he know, I was serious. :)
I assumed the position, all ladies know which one I'm talking about. I had Dusty laying on my chest so I could hang on for all I was worth. The Sonohysterogram wasn't bad at all, in fact, it was better than the HSG test I had done last year. Then came the biopsy. I knew it was going to hurt and so I grabbed onto Dusty even harder and closed my eyes. I think Dr H said he was about to do it (I don't really remember much anymore, not a lie) and OMG, the pain, was intense!!! There I was, Dr H between my legs, Dusty laying on my chest, the nurse hanging onto my leg and me, going threw some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I was crying and moaning, Dusty was talking to me (tho I don't have a clue what he was saying), Dr H was telling me not to move, the nurse was telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and Dr H also started telling his assistant to check my pulse - I think he was a bit worried about me. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to do it a second time. It was hell, it really was.
Once the nurse and Dr left, I was still crying a bit, just from the whole experience, not from it hurting anymore - and Dusty leaned
into me and said 'OMG, I cant stand to see you in that much pain' and he damn near cried - he had VERY wet eyes (and a shaky voice) and I could tell he was seconds from full on crying. How sweet of him......
Then we had our official orientation and learned all about my protocol, how to do the drugs, when to do the drugs, etc. Starting tonite, I have to have Suprefact every night until my egg retrieval (to further shut down all my body- basically throwing me into menopause at the ripe ol age of 33- oh joy). Starting next Sunday, I also get to add 2 more shots per night (Repronex & Puregon)to that until my ER again. So, I'll be doing 3 needles a night soon - all in my belly. OMG - what have we gotten ourselves into? Also, cuz Dustys medical is done as of the 21st, we asked to get all our drugs now - OUCH! We just paid $3650.00 for meds alone - Lets see how much we get back, if any.
Its sooo unfair that most people can get pregnant easily and when they want, and then there are those of us who have to go through hell to even try - with no guarantees. One of my clients and I were talking last night about twins - cuz I have a friend about to have twins. We were talking about how hard it would be, etc. She then looks at me and says 'Well, there's a high chance of you getting pregnant with twins with this, isn't there?' I said yes,. it can be as high as 40 - 50% chance. To which she replied (I shit you not) 'Hey, you got yourself into this, I sooo will NOT feel sorry for you, you asked for it!!' OMFG - are you kidding me? I ASKED to be infertile and have to pay a minimum of $14,000 to have a baby and go through this hell? I couldn't believe she said that!!! I cant believe we have to put up with people who are that ignorant! I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it came out... or maybe she did, I'm not too sure how she feels about the whole IVF thing!? Either way, it was such the wrong thing to say.
Anyways, they figure my ER will be about May 1st and my Transfer about 3 - 6 days after that. Still hard to believe we're doing this......... I'm terrified.........:)
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Oh, through-out this process, I should add that I've started going to acupuncture again - to Harris - oh how i like Harris. He's so easy to talk to or ask questions to - I don't feel like I'm wasting his time, or boring him. I'm going once per week as acupuncture has been shown to greatly increase success rate of IVF - anything to make this work, I'm all over it.
$10,000 to have a baby!? It shouldn't be decided on who can have a baby, by what they can afford. I've said that before, but I can't say it enough - it's just so unfair. Some people argue that people who can't get pregnant on their own, is natures way of keeping the population down, a 'natural selection' if you will. Obviously the person who said that, either doesn't want kids, or already has them. You will NEVER find any woman, who's fighting Infertility, uttering those words.
Seriously. years and years ago, that was my mind set as well - if someone was not able to have children on their own, why fight nature - just adopt or move on with your life, without kids. <-- Some things do come back to bite you in the ass. You know, when being faced with something like Infertility, you really do start to wonder, 'Why us? What did we do wrong? Can't God not see how badly we want children - that we'd be great parents?' We can't help but have those thoughts... who wouldn't. It's the same for someone who gets diagnosed with cancer, or Aids - they too, I'm sure, question, Why them!? And I'll answer that for you now - Why us? <-- There is NO answer. But it's definitely NOT Gods way of punishing you for something you've done wrong. It's NOT a test of patience. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being human. Everyone is dealt something in their life to deal with, and this just happens to be our.... struggle.
So many people have told me how strong I am. How they'd never be able to go through what we do, month after month, without falling into some sort of serious depression. Well, most days, I'm not as strong as I look - ask Christina - I don't pretend with her. I'm upfront and very honest about how I'm feeling on any particular day - whether I'm doing good and being optimistic, or whether there's nothing I'd rather do than to just be 'ignorant' for a day or go home, curl up into a ball and cry. Remember back awhile when I said those fighting Infertility have to be quite the actors/actresses? Well, it's true - on the outside, we're strong, in control and dealing with everything with a positive mind set. On the inside, however, it can be far from OK. Most days, I'm fine, I'm thinking positive - but the battle, never leaves my mind, ever.
Just the thought of actually going through with IVF - I can't explain how much it terrifies me. The SHG - well, let me describe that for you - and you tell me how you'd feel about having to have that done:
Sonohysterogram = They put me in the position, just like getting a Pap done, and they fill my uterus with saline, in order to get a good look around and make sure everything is good to go for the IVF.
And not only that, but soon after, I have to go through all the meds/needles/ultrasounds/probes/retrieval and transfer - some of which, are also painful. Seriously, not a word of a lie, I just think about going through it, and I get the nervous shakes and some serious butterflies in my stomach. I start to question whether we should even do it in the first place - I mean, I know we will, and we want to, but ... just the thought of paying $10,000, going through all you have to go through, and possibly getting a negative result in the end, I don't even want to think about that, or I may just never go through with it at all.
I know there are MANY MANY women who have been fighting Infertility longer than I have, and to them, my heart goes out - they are my heroes. And I'm sure there's also many people who think that maybe Dusty and I are jumping the gun by moving to IVF already - since it hasn't even been 2 1/2 years yet - others have conceived on their own after this time - including my Other Mom, who took about 4 years to conceive. But, in our minds, it's been long enough - we've given it our all, we've tried less invasive treatments, tried on our own, and now it's time to move on. I'm not getting any younger and the older you get, the less chance of IVF even working, comes into play. That, and more risks of things going wrong with the pregnancy and or the baby. Add on to that, the fact that I wanna still be 'young' and have the energy to get down on the floor and play and interact with my children, and we don't think it's too soon to move onto IVF. I hear women complaining when it's been only 3 or 4 months of trying and it not happening yet - and yet they question my decision to move onto IVF after 28 months of trying? I'd like to see anyone go through Infertility for almost 2 1/2 years, and them not be desperate to try whatever it takes to finally make it happen.
Also, anytime I question whether IVF is for us, now, I remind myself how long it's been, how old we are, everything that we've already tried, AND the fact that even when Dusty was in his early 20's, he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend for 3 years, and she never got pregnant - but has since gone on to have kids. I don't want to wait another year of going through this hell, only to figure out that we should have moved on sooner - no thanks.
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Good news - IVF, here we come...
OK, finally, some good news. No, I'm not pregnant. If I were, you all would have heard me, from where ever you are, yelling, jumping up n down and crying tears of joy :) It'll happen.... soon! *positive thinking at it's finest*
The news: Mom and Dad have offered to loan us the money to go through with a round of IVF!!! OMG - sooo excited, yet sooo scared!!! It couldn't have happened at a better time either, as I just got my period, and I can now get the process started, ASAP.
OK, I should jump back a few days and tell you about our last appointment with Dr H. We had an appointment booked for a few short days after we returned from our honeymoon, to talk about the process of IVF - should we ever be able to afford it. We wanted to make sure, that in case we got the money and wanted to go through with it, that there weren't any waiting lists, or more tests to be done. If there were more tests to be done, let's get em down now. Here's what we learned:
Dr H told us that there is no waiting list, when we have the money, we just call the clinic and let them know that we're starting a round of IVF. He gave me a prescription for the birth controls pills (BCP's) and also a prescription for some antibiotics, to take before my Sonohysterogram and Endometrial biopsy, that I'd have to go through in the first couple weeks of the IVF journey. We got a paper explaining who to call and when, and to start taking prenatal vitamins (which I've already been taking for the past 28 months) and also to start taking an iron supplement as well.
Dr H told us about the endometrial biopsy - saying that studies are showing that doing it before an IVF, has been shown to improve implantation rates, which in turn leads to higher success with IVF. I say, bring it on - I'm all over doing anything to bring about a higher success rate.
He said he gives us a 50% chance of it working the first time and an 80% chance of it working within 3 tries. <-- He has a new payment plan going on now. You pay full price for your first round, and if that one is unsuccessful, then the 2nd and 3rd one (if needed) are then only $1000 PLUS the cost of meds. <-- That's HUGE, that's about a 50% savings for us. He's doing that payment plan, to try to help couples going through IVF as it's soooo expensive, most people put so much pressure on themselves for it working on the first go. Now, since it's soooo much cheaper for the next 2... he's hoping to take a bit of the stress off, everyone.
80% chance!!? The last time we heard 80% was when we were being told those were the odds against us. It's so nice to hear those numbers in favor of us for once.
Sooooo, when Mom told me about loaning us the money - Number 1: I cried, and thanked her and Number 2: I called the clinic the next day and told them we're starting, as I raced out to get the BCP's that I would be starting that very day.
How exciting/terrifying!!!!
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Birth Control pills suck nut!
Who knew the BCP's could possibly be the worst part of this entire process!? Cycle day 3, I took my first BCP, before bed - Cycle day 4, I had to have Gravol for breakfast, it wasn't pretty. I was seconds away from calling in sick to work, but since I had just told everyone there, that we were starting the IVF process that day, I didn't think it would go over well to call in sick, the very next day. Sucking it up and going to work, was rough, I'm not going to lie. Nothing like going to work, with nothing in your stomach but Gravol and wishing you could be anywhere BUT there.
I've since learned, to take my pills with supper. Though I have to say, that doesn't help all that much. I have been sick, in some way or the other, every single day since starting those damn things. Uncontrolably tired, feeling like I'm going to puke, sore breasts, and just a general feeling of being sick. Oh the things us women go through.
When I called the clinic to tell them that I was starting the BCP, they then booked my sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy. Once I read about the biopsy, I have to say, I was terrified. It even said 'It's painful and will cause a strong cramp'. Drs never tell you that something is painful, they always just say 'it's uncomfortable'. My tests were booked for April 8th at 11:30AM - 1 1/2 weeks away.
Sonohysterogram & Endometrial Biopsy
April 8th - The day has come, the day I have been dreading for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I had to leave work early and even on my way home I was crying because I was so scared of the biopsy. I'm not ashamed to admit, I'm a whimp when it comes to pain - especially pain.... down there.
We get to the clinic and are lead into a room where I'm asked to strip, from the waist down and lay on the table. I can't explain how scared I was......as I was laying there, waiting for the dreaded knock on the door to signal the Dr had arrived and the test was about to begin. As usual, with any Dr clinic, we had to wait about 1/2 an hour - but it felt like an eternity. I was dreading it, but I wanted to get it done and over with - no more waiting!
Finally, the Dr and assistant walk in. 'How are you doing today?' Dr H asks, with a big smile on his face. 'I'd be better if I wasn't here' I reply - to which we all giggle. I then asked if I could possibly get an epidural and Dr H laughed - little does he know, I was serious. :)
I assumed the position, all ladies know which one I'm talking about. I had Dusty laying on my chest so I could hang on for all I was worth. The Sonohysterogram wasn't bad at all, in fact, it was better than the HSG test I had done last year. Then came the biopsy. I knew it was going to hurt and so I grabbed onto Dusty even harder and closed my eyes. I think Dr H said he was about to do it (I don't really remember much anymore, not a lie) and OMG, the pain, was intense!!! There I was, Dr H between my legs, Dusty laying on my chest, the nurse hanging onto my leg and me, going threw some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I was crying and moaning, Dusty was talking to me (tho I don't have a clue what he was saying), Dr H was telling me not to move, the nurse was telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and Dr H also started telling his assistant to check my pulse - I think he was a bit worried about me. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to do it a second time. It was hell, it really was.
Once the nurse and Dr left, I was still crying a bit, just from the whole experience, not from it hurting anymore - and Dusty leaned
into me and said 'OMG, I cant stand to see you in that much pain' and he damn near cried - he had VERY wet eyes (and a shaky voice) and I could tell he was seconds from full on crying. How sweet of him......
Then we had our official orientation and learned all about my protocol, how to do the drugs, when to do the drugs, etc. Starting tonite, I have to have Suprefact every night until my egg retrieval (to further shut down all my body- basically throwing me into menopause at the ripe ol age of 33- oh joy). Starting next Sunday, I also get to add 2 more shots per night (Repronex & Puregon)to that until my ER again. So, I'll be doing 3 needles a night soon - all in my belly. OMG - what have we gotten ourselves into? Also, cuz Dustys medical is done as of the 21st, we asked to get all our drugs now - OUCH! We just paid $3650.00 for meds alone - Lets see how much we get back, if any.
Its sooo unfair that most people can get pregnant easily and when they want, and then there are those of us who have to go through hell to even try - with no guarantees. One of my clients and I were talking last night about twins - cuz I have a friend about to have twins. We were talking about how hard it would be, etc. She then looks at me and says 'Well, there's a high chance of you getting pregnant with twins with this, isn't there?' I said yes,. it can be as high as 40 - 50% chance. To which she replied (I shit you not) 'Hey, you got yourself into this, I sooo will NOT feel sorry for you, you asked for it!!' OMFG - are you kidding me? I ASKED to be infertile and have to pay a minimum of $14,000 to have a baby and go through this hell? I couldn't believe she said that!!! I cant believe we have to put up with people who are that ignorant! I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it came out... or maybe she did, I'm not too sure how she feels about the whole IVF thing!? Either way, it was such the wrong thing to say.
Anyways, they figure my ER will be about May 1st and my Transfer about 3 - 6 days after that. Still hard to believe we're doing this......... I'm terrified.........:)
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Oh, through-out this process, I should add that I've started going to acupuncture again - to Harris - oh how i like Harris. He's so easy to talk to or ask questions to - I don't feel like I'm wasting his time, or boring him. I'm going once per week as acupuncture has been shown to greatly increase success rate of IVF - anything to make this work, I'm all over it.
Our honeymoon & my first day back
Our honeymoon
Our honeymoon - Kicked Ass. Just had to say!! It was fantastic. Honestly I was starting to think that something bad was going to happen and we wouldn't be able to go - it just didn't feel... real. Well, the night before we leave rolls around and I couldn't be more excited. Making preparations, making sure everything we need is packed and yet, trying to get a few hours sleep as well.
As the plane took off bright and early the next morning, it was finally real, and we couldn't have been any happier if we tried. It was a loooong damn day traveling - we flew out of Victoria at 7AM, and landed in Ft Lauderdale at 11:30PM, their time. What a wonderful thing though - 11:30PM, at the end of February and there we were, standing outside and needing to take off our hoodies and strip down to our t shirts, as it was too hot to wear all that. Looove it.
The next day we boarded the ship in the afternoon and went about exploring, what would be our new home, for the next 2 weeks. Even though we were there, living it, it was hard to believe it was really happening, finally. After all the heartache, tears and fighting with everything we have - to finally have a much needed break and just enjoy.... life.
There were 10 stops along the way:
San Juan, Puerto Rico
Charlotte Amalie, St Thomas
Basseterre, St Kitts
Roseau, Dominica
Bridgetown, Barbados
Castries, St Lucis
St Johns, Antigua
Philipsburg, St Maarten
Road Town, Tortolla
Half Moon Cay, Bahamas
Each and every stop we got off the ship and explored, took pictures, shopped for souvenirs and or went swimming. Mariah loved San Juan, but that's because of the police officers walking around, who happened to be black and very, very muscle-ly and sexy. I have to admit, I agree, a couple of them were definitely worth committing a crime for - just to get them to pat me down hehehe
St Maarten and Half Moon Cay were all of our favorites. St Maarten just because it's sooo nice there. Hot weather, great shopping, friendly people and gorgeous beaches.... I'd move there, in the blink of an eye. Half Moon Cay on the other hand, doesn't really have any shopping, but the beaches....... OH MY GOD, they're incredible. The sand is like icing sugar and the water is that really cool, bright blue color. That was an entire day of doing nothing but laying on the beach and swimming - I could definitely get used to that kind of life.
On the ship, on sea days, they have many different activities to do. We were going to take a 'class' about making martinis, but then thought better of it, as we all thought that martinis are horrible drinks made with nothing but vodka and vermouth. Well, another class rolls around but this time it's called 'How to make our signature cocktails'. We went to that one, and it turned out, it was making martinis again, and soon learned, that martinis kick ass!! They taste like juice - which can be a dangerous thing for sure. We did that class, and then there was a 'graduation class' later in the cruise. Our attire for Graduation Day - our robes and shower caps. Oh what a riot that class was. And for $10 - we all walked out of there with a nice buzz on - even Mom - it was hilarious!
When we got on the ship, I was thinking to myself, 'Wow, we have another 2 weeks on here. That is such a long time'. Then, before we knew it, we were walking around the ship on our last night, not believing how fast the time went.
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Stress??
I didn't realize how stressful our life was, until we were getting ready to board the plane on the way back home. It was like a lead jacket being wrapped around me and I found myself being close to tears, many times. I wasn't ready to go back to 'real life' and go back to work, and again fight our infertility status. Being in the tropics, was wonderful, very NOT stressful and I loved it. Going home - was everything opposite of that. Add on to that, the fact that I was heading back to work, with everyone there knowing all about my very personal, very private, intimate life - and it was a recipe for some serious doubting whether it was all worth going through in the first place. I had to keep reminding myself that yes, it is all worth going through, as long as it helps just one other couple out there. Then all my heartache and going public with something so personal, would definitely be worth it.
First day back
Walking into the office, that first day back, was.... terrifying. I wasn't sure if I could stand tall and walk in like normal, or keep my head down and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I kind of did a combination of both, and got to my desk as quick as I could. A couple people said a quick hello, as I just started my computer and getting ready for my day.
I knew, about 1/2 way through the day, that it was never going to be the same for me, no matter who I talked to. It doesn't matter if it's work, or aquaintences or even friends, they would never look at me the same way. And, really, who could blame them. They all now knew all about my very personal, private life. They know my husband and I are struggling with something that no one talks about, and they're not sure what to say to us.
The first couple people who came to talk to me, I could tell they felt very awkward, that they didn't know what to say and they're rather run away, than stay there and talk to me. All of a sudden, the diagnosis, had a face. And I, knowing they were feeling awkward talking to me, also felt awkward, because I didn't know what to say, to make it better for them.
I thought work from then on out, was going to be hell. I've since realized, that it's the same as it always was - the same, only different. How confusing is that? Sorry, but I can't explain it. If you've never told everyone in your entire office about your periods, your sex life, your sore breasts and your emotional pain, you'll never fully understand. Like I've said before, if it helps one other couple out there, then it'll all be worth it.
The ladies upstairs are all very supportive, and I'm now keeping them in the loop of things that are going on. A few of the women upstairs, have also donated to try to help us, and for that, we're eternally grateful - Thank you ladies. For now, I go to work, do my best to concentrate on my work, and keep some in the loop as things are progressing and yes, praying, each n everyday, that our battle ends soon.
Here's a note I received from a girl at work, Nicole:
That’s awesome Shawna, I am so happy for you I hope it all works out, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes, you seem like a very strong woman. I envy you in a way, I could never talk about my feelings so openly and honestly,
I have a feeling everything will go exactly the way you want it too, all the pain will be worth it in the end.
Thank you Nicole, it means a lot to know people are supporting us.
Amanda at work has also been good, coming right out and asking me questions. I'd much rather someone do that, than have them wonder what's going on, of wonder if they should even bring the topic up in the first place. Amanda, thanks, leave it to you to just jump right in there and ask the questions.
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No choice, but IVF...
CD 26 - 11DPO - Well, it's official - We're going to have to move onto IVF, yet we can't afford it. That's right, I'm sitting here, writing this through tears of pain and sadness, yet again. Not too long before it moves onto month 28!! 28 depressing months. I knew this morning when I took my temp that it was game over, for yet another month, but I refused to let it make me cry, at least until The Bitch arrived. When I told Dusty this morning that I was 99.9 % sure I was getting my period today or tomorrow, he shook his head, said 'Oh God, I'm soo sorry..' and moved into hug me. I had to stop him though, as I had to get ready for work and had no time for tears. I knew, if I started crying, I just might not stop. 'I can't or I'll cry, I'm sorry' I said, as I walked away to get ready. I know it hurt him to hear me say that to him, but I just couldn't let myself cry then - I know, he understands.
Seriously, I can't believe we actually have to go for IVF - we're now officially going to have to pay at least $10,000 in order to have a baby - and that's on top of the approximately $4 - 5,000 we've already spent. It's just so unfair. It's such a simple thing to do - have unprotected sex and get pregnant - or so I thought, when this all started. Now look at us, almost 28 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache, pain, wasted time and a smaller bank account.
It hurts, it hurts so bad - I can never explain. Each and every months is like having another miscarriage - as we mourn the loss of yet another baby. :(
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Our honeymoon - Kicked Ass. Just had to say!! It was fantastic. Honestly I was starting to think that something bad was going to happen and we wouldn't be able to go - it just didn't feel... real. Well, the night before we leave rolls around and I couldn't be more excited. Making preparations, making sure everything we need is packed and yet, trying to get a few hours sleep as well.
As the plane took off bright and early the next morning, it was finally real, and we couldn't have been any happier if we tried. It was a loooong damn day traveling - we flew out of Victoria at 7AM, and landed in Ft Lauderdale at 11:30PM, their time. What a wonderful thing though - 11:30PM, at the end of February and there we were, standing outside and needing to take off our hoodies and strip down to our t shirts, as it was too hot to wear all that. Looove it.
The next day we boarded the ship in the afternoon and went about exploring, what would be our new home, for the next 2 weeks. Even though we were there, living it, it was hard to believe it was really happening, finally. After all the heartache, tears and fighting with everything we have - to finally have a much needed break and just enjoy.... life.
There were 10 stops along the way:
San Juan, Puerto Rico
Charlotte Amalie, St Thomas
Basseterre, St Kitts
Roseau, Dominica
Bridgetown, Barbados
Castries, St Lucis
St Johns, Antigua
Philipsburg, St Maarten
Road Town, Tortolla
Half Moon Cay, Bahamas
Each and every stop we got off the ship and explored, took pictures, shopped for souvenirs and or went swimming. Mariah loved San Juan, but that's because of the police officers walking around, who happened to be black and very, very muscle-ly and sexy. I have to admit, I agree, a couple of them were definitely worth committing a crime for - just to get them to pat me down hehehe
St Maarten and Half Moon Cay were all of our favorites. St Maarten just because it's sooo nice there. Hot weather, great shopping, friendly people and gorgeous beaches.... I'd move there, in the blink of an eye. Half Moon Cay on the other hand, doesn't really have any shopping, but the beaches....... OH MY GOD, they're incredible. The sand is like icing sugar and the water is that really cool, bright blue color. That was an entire day of doing nothing but laying on the beach and swimming - I could definitely get used to that kind of life.
On the ship, on sea days, they have many different activities to do. We were going to take a 'class' about making martinis, but then thought better of it, as we all thought that martinis are horrible drinks made with nothing but vodka and vermouth. Well, another class rolls around but this time it's called 'How to make our signature cocktails'. We went to that one, and it turned out, it was making martinis again, and soon learned, that martinis kick ass!! They taste like juice - which can be a dangerous thing for sure. We did that class, and then there was a 'graduation class' later in the cruise. Our attire for Graduation Day - our robes and shower caps. Oh what a riot that class was. And for $10 - we all walked out of there with a nice buzz on - even Mom - it was hilarious!
When we got on the ship, I was thinking to myself, 'Wow, we have another 2 weeks on here. That is such a long time'. Then, before we knew it, we were walking around the ship on our last night, not believing how fast the time went.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Stress??
I didn't realize how stressful our life was, until we were getting ready to board the plane on the way back home. It was like a lead jacket being wrapped around me and I found myself being close to tears, many times. I wasn't ready to go back to 'real life' and go back to work, and again fight our infertility status. Being in the tropics, was wonderful, very NOT stressful and I loved it. Going home - was everything opposite of that. Add on to that, the fact that I was heading back to work, with everyone there knowing all about my very personal, very private, intimate life - and it was a recipe for some serious doubting whether it was all worth going through in the first place. I had to keep reminding myself that yes, it is all worth going through, as long as it helps just one other couple out there. Then all my heartache and going public with something so personal, would definitely be worth it.
First day back
Walking into the office, that first day back, was.... terrifying. I wasn't sure if I could stand tall and walk in like normal, or keep my head down and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I kind of did a combination of both, and got to my desk as quick as I could. A couple people said a quick hello, as I just started my computer and getting ready for my day.
I knew, about 1/2 way through the day, that it was never going to be the same for me, no matter who I talked to. It doesn't matter if it's work, or aquaintences or even friends, they would never look at me the same way. And, really, who could blame them. They all now knew all about my very personal, private life. They know my husband and I are struggling with something that no one talks about, and they're not sure what to say to us.
The first couple people who came to talk to me, I could tell they felt very awkward, that they didn't know what to say and they're rather run away, than stay there and talk to me. All of a sudden, the diagnosis, had a face. And I, knowing they were feeling awkward talking to me, also felt awkward, because I didn't know what to say, to make it better for them.
I thought work from then on out, was going to be hell. I've since realized, that it's the same as it always was - the same, only different. How confusing is that? Sorry, but I can't explain it. If you've never told everyone in your entire office about your periods, your sex life, your sore breasts and your emotional pain, you'll never fully understand. Like I've said before, if it helps one other couple out there, then it'll all be worth it.
The ladies upstairs are all very supportive, and I'm now keeping them in the loop of things that are going on. A few of the women upstairs, have also donated to try to help us, and for that, we're eternally grateful - Thank you ladies. For now, I go to work, do my best to concentrate on my work, and keep some in the loop as things are progressing and yes, praying, each n everyday, that our battle ends soon.
Here's a note I received from a girl at work, Nicole:
That’s awesome Shawna, I am so happy for you I hope it all works out, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes, you seem like a very strong woman. I envy you in a way, I could never talk about my feelings so openly and honestly,
I have a feeling everything will go exactly the way you want it too, all the pain will be worth it in the end.
Thank you Nicole, it means a lot to know people are supporting us.
Amanda at work has also been good, coming right out and asking me questions. I'd much rather someone do that, than have them wonder what's going on, of wonder if they should even bring the topic up in the first place. Amanda, thanks, leave it to you to just jump right in there and ask the questions.
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No choice, but IVF...
CD 26 - 11DPO - Well, it's official - We're going to have to move onto IVF, yet we can't afford it. That's right, I'm sitting here, writing this through tears of pain and sadness, yet again. Not too long before it moves onto month 28!! 28 depressing months. I knew this morning when I took my temp that it was game over, for yet another month, but I refused to let it make me cry, at least until The Bitch arrived. When I told Dusty this morning that I was 99.9 % sure I was getting my period today or tomorrow, he shook his head, said 'Oh God, I'm soo sorry..' and moved into hug me. I had to stop him though, as I had to get ready for work and had no time for tears. I knew, if I started crying, I just might not stop. 'I can't or I'll cry, I'm sorry' I said, as I walked away to get ready. I know it hurt him to hear me say that to him, but I just couldn't let myself cry then - I know, he understands.
Seriously, I can't believe we actually have to go for IVF - we're now officially going to have to pay at least $10,000 in order to have a baby - and that's on top of the approximately $4 - 5,000 we've already spent. It's just so unfair. It's such a simple thing to do - have unprotected sex and get pregnant - or so I thought, when this all started. Now look at us, almost 28 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache, pain, wasted time and a smaller bank account.
It hurts, it hurts so bad - I can never explain. Each and every months is like having another miscarriage - as we mourn the loss of yet another baby. :(
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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Last entry before going public...
1 day away from officially going public. Wow, now that it's happening tomorrow, I find myself feeling... stressed, nervous, anxious yet slightly excited. I can't believe that it's actually going to happen - that people I don't even know and all of those that I do know, are about to know everything about my VERY personal, private life. I've been consumed by a flood of emotions today, and not sure what to do with myself. I'm angry that we even have to do all this, but excited in the fact that we might even be able to help others in the process.
I think what worries me the most, right now, is going back to work after our trip. Once I walk through the doors on that first day back, I have to face the fact that everyone there will know - everything. Our pain, our frustrations, the highs, the lows, our intimate thoughts and feelings and yet, most of them hardly know me. And top that off with the fact that Katy will be telling them all about her pregnancy, I'm actually terrified to go back to work. Will people treat me any different? Will they look at me with sympathy or even look at me with ... disdain for even going public with my private life? And with Katy being pregnant, will they be talking to her all the time about her baby - in front of me? That, I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Will I just get up and walk away/go home? Will I stay seated at my desk and just cry? I'm scared, I really am.
This whole thing isn't fair to Katy either, she should be able to yell it from the rooftops and have anyone who wants to, talk to her about her and her baby. But like I've said before, this battle doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant women, other pregnancy announcements or just daily life in general. 9 days of out 10, it's all I can do just to go to work in the first place - facing our infertility each and every morning by just seeing Katy. And for that, I apologize to Katy but yet thank her for being so understanding.
I sent our 'blog' to Christina today, to check it out and see what she thinks. She loves it - YAY! Also, when I got home, I had an email, stating that we have received our first donation - from Christina! I couldn't believe it, after everything she's done for us, and she goes and does this!? Christina - thank you, thank you, a million times, we thank you. But no, we will NOT name our first child together, Christina! hehehe
Also, on our 1 day away from going public, yes, The Bitch arrived - poetic, no!? Ahhh, what can we do!? Christina told me to not let it get me down, to not let it ruin our trip - and this is what I replied back:
'Kinda hard not to let myself get bummed – on Sunday – it’s officially 27 months!! IT SUCKS!!! All my family and friends I’m sure have given up on us conceiving on our own, but we haven’t – we pray each n every month that this is our lucky month – it’s no different than it was before we got told our odds. I guess that’s hard for other people to understand – I know everyone has given up and is just waiting on IVF – but we haven’t and never will. We’ll be picking up a prescription for Clomid for our honeymoon – a last ditch effort before, hopefully, moving on to IVF!? But, we will continue to hope n pray each month – whether it be au natural or Clomid or IVF – we will never give up hope. I think it’s hard, if not impossible, for someone who’s never been through this, to see how we can even hope to get pregnant, after this long of trying. But really, it’s no different than it was 6 months or even a year ago – it still hurts just as much when it doesn’t happen and we still pray just as hard.'
Well, I'm off - my last journal entry before going public tomorrow - wish us luck, we could use it. And please, keep checking back or click the 'Follow this blog' button at the end, as we'll keep adding entries and keeping everyone posted on our journey, from here on out.
I think what worries me the most, right now, is going back to work after our trip. Once I walk through the doors on that first day back, I have to face the fact that everyone there will know - everything. Our pain, our frustrations, the highs, the lows, our intimate thoughts and feelings and yet, most of them hardly know me. And top that off with the fact that Katy will be telling them all about her pregnancy, I'm actually terrified to go back to work. Will people treat me any different? Will they look at me with sympathy or even look at me with ... disdain for even going public with my private life? And with Katy being pregnant, will they be talking to her all the time about her baby - in front of me? That, I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Will I just get up and walk away/go home? Will I stay seated at my desk and just cry? I'm scared, I really am.
This whole thing isn't fair to Katy either, she should be able to yell it from the rooftops and have anyone who wants to, talk to her about her and her baby. But like I've said before, this battle doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant women, other pregnancy announcements or just daily life in general. 9 days of out 10, it's all I can do just to go to work in the first place - facing our infertility each and every morning by just seeing Katy. And for that, I apologize to Katy but yet thank her for being so understanding.
I sent our 'blog' to Christina today, to check it out and see what she thinks. She loves it - YAY! Also, when I got home, I had an email, stating that we have received our first donation - from Christina! I couldn't believe it, after everything she's done for us, and she goes and does this!? Christina - thank you, thank you, a million times, we thank you. But no, we will NOT name our first child together, Christina! hehehe
Also, on our 1 day away from going public, yes, The Bitch arrived - poetic, no!? Ahhh, what can we do!? Christina told me to not let it get me down, to not let it ruin our trip - and this is what I replied back:
'Kinda hard not to let myself get bummed – on Sunday – it’s officially 27 months!! IT SUCKS!!! All my family and friends I’m sure have given up on us conceiving on our own, but we haven’t – we pray each n every month that this is our lucky month – it’s no different than it was before we got told our odds. I guess that’s hard for other people to understand – I know everyone has given up and is just waiting on IVF – but we haven’t and never will. We’ll be picking up a prescription for Clomid for our honeymoon – a last ditch effort before, hopefully, moving on to IVF!? But, we will continue to hope n pray each month – whether it be au natural or Clomid or IVF – we will never give up hope. I think it’s hard, if not impossible, for someone who’s never been through this, to see how we can even hope to get pregnant, after this long of trying. But really, it’s no different than it was 6 months or even a year ago – it still hurts just as much when it doesn’t happen and we still pray just as hard.'
Well, I'm off - my last journal entry before going public tomorrow - wish us luck, we could use it. And please, keep checking back or click the 'Follow this blog' button at the end, as we'll keep adding entries and keeping everyone posted on our journey, from here on out.
An apology to my Mom:
Mom, I’d like to take a minute and apologize for not being there for you when Gramma died. I didn’t know how to deal with it myself, and so I just pretended that everything was fine and didn’t talk about it. For that, I’m sorry. Going through what I am now, I can see it was the worst thing to do. To ignore the fact that you were hurting and probably needed someone to talk to, to ask you how you were doing, and I was no where around for you. I never asked you how you were doing, or if you wanted to talk or even just gave you a hug. I knew if I did any of the above, it would have made me break down and cry as well, and I didn’t want to make you feel worse or bring it up if you didn’t want to talk about it. I should have thought about you, and not worried that it was going to make me cry again – and for that, I’m truly sorry. I can’t take any of it back or rewind the time, but I hope you know how I feel and that I am really sorry for not being there for you. I LOVE YOU!!
See – that’s another thing about fighting this and going through a crisis, it has a way of bringing out your more compassionate side. I know now how much it hurts when people ignore me and don’t ask how I’m doing, or if there’s anything they can do for me – or just plain giving me a hug. A person doesn’t have to say much, a simple, ‘I’m sorry’ and a hug will do. With that, we know you‘re thinking about us, you’re recognizing that we are going through a tough time in our lives and that you’re there for us. What more could we ask for?
An explanation of our cruise
One more quick note. Some of you are probably wondering how we have the nerve to ask for money, when we're about to go on a cruise, right? Well, what you don't know, is that my parents are pretty much paying for the entire thing. Yes, we received money for our wedding, that we called our 'honeymoon fund', but we had to use that money for the fertility treatments we've already gone through.
My parents knew how much we were looking forward to going on our honeymoon, and knew even more, that we needed a break. This past year has been very stressful for us, and if we're about to go through rounds of IVF, they decided that we needed the holiday – a stress relief. And for that, we'll never be able to thank them enough.
See – that’s another thing about fighting this and going through a crisis, it has a way of bringing out your more compassionate side. I know now how much it hurts when people ignore me and don’t ask how I’m doing, or if there’s anything they can do for me – or just plain giving me a hug. A person doesn’t have to say much, a simple, ‘I’m sorry’ and a hug will do. With that, we know you‘re thinking about us, you’re recognizing that we are going through a tough time in our lives and that you’re there for us. What more could we ask for?
An explanation of our cruise
One more quick note. Some of you are probably wondering how we have the nerve to ask for money, when we're about to go on a cruise, right? Well, what you don't know, is that my parents are pretty much paying for the entire thing. Yes, we received money for our wedding, that we called our 'honeymoon fund', but we had to use that money for the fertility treatments we've already gone through.
My parents knew how much we were looking forward to going on our honeymoon, and knew even more, that we needed a break. This past year has been very stressful for us, and if we're about to go through rounds of IVF, they decided that we needed the holiday – a stress relief. And for that, we'll never be able to thank them enough.
We get mad and beg…why.
We pray.. and we pray – We hope… and we hope. We cry, We laugh, We dream, We mourn, We fight, We love……………………………… and We get mad and beg…why.
As you can see by the above, we’re now 4 short days away from moving into month 26 of trying. 26!! Wow, it’s been a long time we’ve been fighting this infertility shit and sometimes I wonder how we’ve even made it this far. There have been more times than I could possibly count, times that I wanted to just give up, throw in the proverbial white towel, and say ‘I’m done – you win – whoever you are, you win - I can’t take this anymore…’ The pain and heartache is unbelievable, and it does take it’s toll.
Maybe someone out there, reading this right now is thinking to themselves ‘Hmmm, 26 months – could she be more precise? Why is she counting the months?’ Well, let me tell you, 26 months is nothing - when you’ve been fighting this for as long as we have - you could almost recite the days or hours it’s been as well. It consumes you, there’s no way to ‘put it aside and think about something else for a change’. Let’s take a look at that now:
CD 1 – 6 = Have a daily/hourly reminder of your infertility, with the period you’re experiencing
CD 6 – 15 = You have nothing but thoughts about when you will be ovulating and hoping you catch the elusive egg this month
CD 15 – 27 = You’re in the dreaded 2 week wait – looking for symptoms, praying with everything you have that this will be your month. You’re Dr has told you to pretend you’re pregnant, until you know otherwise, so how would you not be thinking about it for this 2 weeks!?
I’d love to see anyone go through that, and not think about it daily and or have it consume your life.
Yesterday fertility friend said ‘You’re past your usual luteal phase length, you may take a test, you may be pregnant’. It wasn’t fooling me however – my temps had slowly been dropping for the past few days, and I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would show her face. I knew it was coming – though we all remain hopeful, right up until the last minute. I was even thinking that maybe this month I wouldn’t cry, I’d be fine, after all, things are starting to happen and with IVF possibly in our future, it’ll happen, eventually, right?
When I get my period, I don’t usually cry right away, but I do get angry – at the world, at God, angry at the unfairness of it all. Like last night, I got my period, told Dusty, then went downstairs and worked out – punishing my body for betraying me, yet again. The 'angry' doesn’t last too long though, it’s just a mechanism I use when I don’t have the time in that moment, to cry.
After I had my bath and was about to go to bed, I lost it. I reached out to my husband and held on, as the tears started coming. We climbed into bed and Dusty held me as the pain tears through my body, as it has, every month for the past 2 years. I ask him questions such as: ‘What if we aren’t meant to have babies together?’ … ‘What if it never happens?’ … ‘Why does it have to hurt so much?’
We laid there, with me crying and Dusty holding me, for a good hour. We talked about how much this entire situation sucks, how frustrating it is that not may people understand the pain. We know full well that those who have not experienced it, will never understand it, but sometimes, it also feels like they don’t want to understand it. Friends and family both, have officially started avoiding the topic entirely, pretending that everything is fine – or perhaps dreading talking about it, again. To an infertile, that’s the worst thing you can do. We’re going through one of the worst things any couple can go through, a serious crisis. We could personally talk about it day in and day out - talking helps us deal with the emotions we're experiencing and the feelings of isolation. Do they feel like they’ve heard enough about it? Do they think we’re whining and should just relax? If we were going through a different crisis, let’s say a death in the family – would they avoid the subject? Pretend like nothing happened? Think we’re whining when we bring it up? How about cancer? Would they get sick of hearing about it? To us, it’s all the same, a crisis is a crisis, no matter of the ‘title’ of it.
Thank God for our infertile friends, as bad as that sounds. Shannon, Natalie and Kim - they're my shoulders to cry on, my ears to vent to and my friends who completely understand what we're going through. A quote from Natalie, which I couldn't have said better if I tried:
'It's kinda funny how life works...you seem to meet the best people in the roughest times. Having met you all now, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything........(except maybe an exact date of when my children are going to finally arrive!) I have such a tremendous amount of respect for each and every one of you ladies!!!'
I think it's going to be really interesting when we do get up and running and ‘go public’ with this whole thing. I’m sure there will be many, many people standing beside us as we go through it, but there will be some, who will think that there are better causes out there, that we’re pathetic and begging for money. Will those comments hurt? Sure they will! But will they stop us from continuing to go public and inform people? No, they won’t. We’re in this until the bitter end, there is no stopping us. We’re fighting for those out there, who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.
I have to say, I have the best husband in the world, hands down – sorry ladies, he does have a brother though, if you're interested(Advertising for brother Amos hehe). When I get my period, he knows the range of emotions I go through and knows when to stay back and when to reach out and catch me before I fall. He knew last night, when I announced that I got my period, that I was angry about it and didn’t want to talk. But, he also knew that before bed, it was time to step in a catch me.
He says things that just break my heart, like: ‘I’m sorry, I feel like I’m letting you down’ …or: ‘I wish I could do something to take your pain away’. I know this is hurting him, just as much as it’s hurting me, and that sucks. I’d be more than willing to be the one to take the pain – after all, we’re women, we’re stronger, right? He doesn’t need to hurt or feel sorry for what’s happening to us – I experience enough pain for the both of us – as long as he’s there to hold me when I need him, I’ll take the pain. If only things were that easy. As I know, with 100% certainty, that he would do the same for me – take all the pain so I don’t have to go through it each and every month.
I know we’re soul mates, and each time I look into his eyes, I see our unborn children and pray for the day I can finally give them to him.
Quote
Quote of the Day
"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
She’s so cute!
I sent my Mom the last part of my journal and here’s what she had to say:
Thank you for sharing your diary with me dear - I am so sad that I can't fix things for my kids. I want you all to be happy and fulfilled!
I am always willing to talk to you if you need to share - anytime. You can always give me a quick call at work and I can phone you back later, if that works better for the timing.
I still have a firm belief that it will happen for you two - I visualize you pregnant, what you will name the baby, whether it will be a girl or a boy etc. It just feels so right, for want of a better word. I will keep believing and wishing and hoping and praying and threatening and whatever it takes until it does happen. Be well, be strong, stand side-by-side always and Believe!
She’s so cute!
Closer to going public
Well, it's getting closer and closer to 'going public' with this battle. As it gets closer, I find myself getting... anxious... nervous, yet excited. I know we're going to get some rude comments from ignorant people, but, we also have a lot of people standing beside us and ready to help in any way they can.
I'm excited because it'll finally be out in the open, no more hiding, no more pretending that we're OK at all times. I also realized the other night, just how passionate I am about Infertility and everything that goes along with it. I had a client ask 'So, what about this baby stuff for you guys, it's just not going to work, are you going to give up now?'. I know she didn't say it to be mean, but my oh my, I sure took it as being mean and rude. See, that's what I've been talking about all along, people saying things that aren't meant to be mean, but, because they don't know any better, they really are mean things to say.
Since it's so close to going public, I told her about it. I told her we're tired of being quiet and fighting it alone. I told her that we want to get the word out there about this, to help others fighting it, know that there is help out there and there are people they can at least talk to and who understand what they're going through. I could see in her eyes that she just didn't really understand. I went on to say how hard it's been, how out of the last 2 years, I've had to pretend that I was pregnant, for one year of that (with our Drs telling us to 'pretend we are until we know differently') Again, it wasn't 'hitting home' so I said 'OK, imagine your kids.... imagine you didn't have them and that you never knew that love.... That's what 'We' deal with on a daily basis..' To which she replied 'Wow...' and changed the subject. I'm not sure if she understands, but I now know...how much I'm willing to fight for this. I guess when Infertility hasn't touched you personally, you will never really get it, or may not even care to 'get it', for that matter. That's the issue I'm going to have with this entire thing - dealing with the frustrations of people not getting it, not even pretending to. It's just hard, I'm in the middle of it, fighting it with all I have, so it's hard for me to contemplate people who don't understand. Time to learn a little patience or maybe at least get a punching bag to beat on after dealing with it!? hehe
I've sent this journal to a friend of mine, Chelsey. I mentioned her in the beginning, the one who went off the pill and got pregnant the same month - with twins!? We've kinda lost contact a bit since she moved to Chilliwack, and I thought it was about time to get back in touch with her - I miss her. She finally started reading my journal (where she finds the time with 2 year old twins, I don't know!?) and she sent me a message the other night - this is what it said: 'I'm on page 27 and my heart aches for you.' Ah Chels, how I miss thee.. :)
It's amazing, when most people just hear about us having issues getting pregnant, they offer useless/hurtful advice and think of it as no big deal. I remember telling someone that we were having issues and she replied to me 'Don't worry, it took my Mom 3 years (??) to get pregnant with me...' <-- I'm sorry, but was that meant to make me feel better!? You'd be amazed at how many people have said something to that effect when they hear about us having troubles. We infertiles should write up a list of things non infertiles can say to us when they find out.... things like:
~ I'm sorry you're having such problems, is there anything I can do? or...
~ Do you want to talk about it? or...
~ I want to hear all about it....
Ah. maybe one day... :)
You know, I HATE what Infertility has done to me!!
~ It's robbed me of feeling joy for other peoples pregnancies
~ I now have a loss of control over how I get pregnant
~ It makes me cry at random times - just comes out of the blue
~ I'm angry that I'm going to have to pay A LOT of money in order to, hopefully, get pregnant
~ I get very frustrated with people who don't understand, no matter how I try to explain it
~ I'm angry that it consumes my life
~ I'm angry that very loving couples who are desperate to have children, have to fight so hard and might still end up without
~ I'm angry that I have to take medication in hopes of getting pregnant
So much crap we have to go through, for such a simple miracle. That's what it is, a simple miracle. Look around you, talk to other people, women get pregnant each n every day, easily and even when they want to. It's not a hard thing to do - it happens to millions of women everyday - and yet here we are - 26 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache and tears. I'm not asking to win the lottery, I'm not asking for a perfect life, I'm not asking for my boobs to grow 2 sizes over night (though that would be nice hehe) - I'm only asking for something, that so many others have and yet take for granted.
PS - On a side note, I'm really nervous about my friend, Christina. She sent me a very cryptic message today, saying they got some 'not so good news about the babies' - and it's killing me not knowing. She had another ultrasound to go to today, to hopefully get 'diagnosed' (whatever that means) and she said she'd let me know what happens from that. Well, it's 9PM now, and I haven't heard a word from her.......... I'm thinking nothing but happy thoughts for her and their babies - I hope nothing is wrong and whatever it is they thought it was, was a big mistake. *crossing fingers*
Octuplets
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!?
Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly cuz I feel my blood pressure raising, but, I might type more later, after watching more of the interview.
This woman is giving IVF a bad name. Some people already have issues with the entire IVF debate, thinking that you 'shouldn't mess with nature'. Now this, is only making it harder for those of us who actually need it in order to have children of our own. Very loving, hard working couples, who would do anything if only to be given a chance to have a baby. It's so frustrating, and I just hope others don't think that that is what IVF is all about - selfish-ness.
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!? Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly because I feel my blood pressure raising.
As you can see by the above, we’re now 4 short days away from moving into month 26 of trying. 26!! Wow, it’s been a long time we’ve been fighting this infertility shit and sometimes I wonder how we’ve even made it this far. There have been more times than I could possibly count, times that I wanted to just give up, throw in the proverbial white towel, and say ‘I’m done – you win – whoever you are, you win - I can’t take this anymore…’ The pain and heartache is unbelievable, and it does take it’s toll.
Maybe someone out there, reading this right now is thinking to themselves ‘Hmmm, 26 months – could she be more precise? Why is she counting the months?’ Well, let me tell you, 26 months is nothing - when you’ve been fighting this for as long as we have - you could almost recite the days or hours it’s been as well. It consumes you, there’s no way to ‘put it aside and think about something else for a change’. Let’s take a look at that now:
CD 1 – 6 = Have a daily/hourly reminder of your infertility, with the period you’re experiencing
CD 6 – 15 = You have nothing but thoughts about when you will be ovulating and hoping you catch the elusive egg this month
CD 15 – 27 = You’re in the dreaded 2 week wait – looking for symptoms, praying with everything you have that this will be your month. You’re Dr has told you to pretend you’re pregnant, until you know otherwise, so how would you not be thinking about it for this 2 weeks!?
I’d love to see anyone go through that, and not think about it daily and or have it consume your life.
Yesterday fertility friend said ‘You’re past your usual luteal phase length, you may take a test, you may be pregnant’. It wasn’t fooling me however – my temps had slowly been dropping for the past few days, and I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would show her face. I knew it was coming – though we all remain hopeful, right up until the last minute. I was even thinking that maybe this month I wouldn’t cry, I’d be fine, after all, things are starting to happen and with IVF possibly in our future, it’ll happen, eventually, right?
When I get my period, I don’t usually cry right away, but I do get angry – at the world, at God, angry at the unfairness of it all. Like last night, I got my period, told Dusty, then went downstairs and worked out – punishing my body for betraying me, yet again. The 'angry' doesn’t last too long though, it’s just a mechanism I use when I don’t have the time in that moment, to cry.
After I had my bath and was about to go to bed, I lost it. I reached out to my husband and held on, as the tears started coming. We climbed into bed and Dusty held me as the pain tears through my body, as it has, every month for the past 2 years. I ask him questions such as: ‘What if we aren’t meant to have babies together?’ … ‘What if it never happens?’ … ‘Why does it have to hurt so much?’
We laid there, with me crying and Dusty holding me, for a good hour. We talked about how much this entire situation sucks, how frustrating it is that not may people understand the pain. We know full well that those who have not experienced it, will never understand it, but sometimes, it also feels like they don’t want to understand it. Friends and family both, have officially started avoiding the topic entirely, pretending that everything is fine – or perhaps dreading talking about it, again. To an infertile, that’s the worst thing you can do. We’re going through one of the worst things any couple can go through, a serious crisis. We could personally talk about it day in and day out - talking helps us deal with the emotions we're experiencing and the feelings of isolation. Do they feel like they’ve heard enough about it? Do they think we’re whining and should just relax? If we were going through a different crisis, let’s say a death in the family – would they avoid the subject? Pretend like nothing happened? Think we’re whining when we bring it up? How about cancer? Would they get sick of hearing about it? To us, it’s all the same, a crisis is a crisis, no matter of the ‘title’ of it.
Thank God for our infertile friends, as bad as that sounds. Shannon, Natalie and Kim - they're my shoulders to cry on, my ears to vent to and my friends who completely understand what we're going through. A quote from Natalie, which I couldn't have said better if I tried:
'It's kinda funny how life works...you seem to meet the best people in the roughest times. Having met you all now, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything........(except maybe an exact date of when my children are going to finally arrive!) I have such a tremendous amount of respect for each and every one of you ladies!!!'
I think it's going to be really interesting when we do get up and running and ‘go public’ with this whole thing. I’m sure there will be many, many people standing beside us as we go through it, but there will be some, who will think that there are better causes out there, that we’re pathetic and begging for money. Will those comments hurt? Sure they will! But will they stop us from continuing to go public and inform people? No, they won’t. We’re in this until the bitter end, there is no stopping us. We’re fighting for those out there, who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.
I have to say, I have the best husband in the world, hands down – sorry ladies, he does have a brother though, if you're interested(Advertising for brother Amos hehe). When I get my period, he knows the range of emotions I go through and knows when to stay back and when to reach out and catch me before I fall. He knew last night, when I announced that I got my period, that I was angry about it and didn’t want to talk. But, he also knew that before bed, it was time to step in a catch me.
He says things that just break my heart, like: ‘I’m sorry, I feel like I’m letting you down’ …or: ‘I wish I could do something to take your pain away’. I know this is hurting him, just as much as it’s hurting me, and that sucks. I’d be more than willing to be the one to take the pain – after all, we’re women, we’re stronger, right? He doesn’t need to hurt or feel sorry for what’s happening to us – I experience enough pain for the both of us – as long as he’s there to hold me when I need him, I’ll take the pain. If only things were that easy. As I know, with 100% certainty, that he would do the same for me – take all the pain so I don’t have to go through it each and every month.
I know we’re soul mates, and each time I look into his eyes, I see our unborn children and pray for the day I can finally give them to him.
Quote
Quote of the Day
"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
She’s so cute!
I sent my Mom the last part of my journal and here’s what she had to say:
Thank you for sharing your diary with me dear - I am so sad that I can't fix things for my kids. I want you all to be happy and fulfilled!
I am always willing to talk to you if you need to share - anytime. You can always give me a quick call at work and I can phone you back later, if that works better for the timing.
I still have a firm belief that it will happen for you two - I visualize you pregnant, what you will name the baby, whether it will be a girl or a boy etc. It just feels so right, for want of a better word. I will keep believing and wishing and hoping and praying and threatening and whatever it takes until it does happen. Be well, be strong, stand side-by-side always and Believe!
She’s so cute!
Closer to going public
Well, it's getting closer and closer to 'going public' with this battle. As it gets closer, I find myself getting... anxious... nervous, yet excited. I know we're going to get some rude comments from ignorant people, but, we also have a lot of people standing beside us and ready to help in any way they can.
I'm excited because it'll finally be out in the open, no more hiding, no more pretending that we're OK at all times. I also realized the other night, just how passionate I am about Infertility and everything that goes along with it. I had a client ask 'So, what about this baby stuff for you guys, it's just not going to work, are you going to give up now?'. I know she didn't say it to be mean, but my oh my, I sure took it as being mean and rude. See, that's what I've been talking about all along, people saying things that aren't meant to be mean, but, because they don't know any better, they really are mean things to say.
Since it's so close to going public, I told her about it. I told her we're tired of being quiet and fighting it alone. I told her that we want to get the word out there about this, to help others fighting it, know that there is help out there and there are people they can at least talk to and who understand what they're going through. I could see in her eyes that she just didn't really understand. I went on to say how hard it's been, how out of the last 2 years, I've had to pretend that I was pregnant, for one year of that (with our Drs telling us to 'pretend we are until we know differently') Again, it wasn't 'hitting home' so I said 'OK, imagine your kids.... imagine you didn't have them and that you never knew that love.... That's what 'We' deal with on a daily basis..' To which she replied 'Wow...' and changed the subject. I'm not sure if she understands, but I now know...how much I'm willing to fight for this. I guess when Infertility hasn't touched you personally, you will never really get it, or may not even care to 'get it', for that matter. That's the issue I'm going to have with this entire thing - dealing with the frustrations of people not getting it, not even pretending to. It's just hard, I'm in the middle of it, fighting it with all I have, so it's hard for me to contemplate people who don't understand. Time to learn a little patience or maybe at least get a punching bag to beat on after dealing with it!? hehe
I've sent this journal to a friend of mine, Chelsey. I mentioned her in the beginning, the one who went off the pill and got pregnant the same month - with twins!? We've kinda lost contact a bit since she moved to Chilliwack, and I thought it was about time to get back in touch with her - I miss her. She finally started reading my journal (where she finds the time with 2 year old twins, I don't know!?) and she sent me a message the other night - this is what it said: 'I'm on page 27 and my heart aches for you.' Ah Chels, how I miss thee.. :)
It's amazing, when most people just hear about us having issues getting pregnant, they offer useless/hurtful advice and think of it as no big deal. I remember telling someone that we were having issues and she replied to me 'Don't worry, it took my Mom 3 years (??) to get pregnant with me...' <-- I'm sorry, but was that meant to make me feel better!? You'd be amazed at how many people have said something to that effect when they hear about us having troubles. We infertiles should write up a list of things non infertiles can say to us when they find out.... things like:
~ I'm sorry you're having such problems, is there anything I can do? or...
~ Do you want to talk about it? or...
~ I want to hear all about it....
Ah. maybe one day... :)
You know, I HATE what Infertility has done to me!!
~ It's robbed me of feeling joy for other peoples pregnancies
~ I now have a loss of control over how I get pregnant
~ It makes me cry at random times - just comes out of the blue
~ I'm angry that I'm going to have to pay A LOT of money in order to, hopefully, get pregnant
~ I get very frustrated with people who don't understand, no matter how I try to explain it
~ I'm angry that it consumes my life
~ I'm angry that very loving couples who are desperate to have children, have to fight so hard and might still end up without
~ I'm angry that I have to take medication in hopes of getting pregnant
So much crap we have to go through, for such a simple miracle. That's what it is, a simple miracle. Look around you, talk to other people, women get pregnant each n every day, easily and even when they want to. It's not a hard thing to do - it happens to millions of women everyday - and yet here we are - 26 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache and tears. I'm not asking to win the lottery, I'm not asking for a perfect life, I'm not asking for my boobs to grow 2 sizes over night (though that would be nice hehe) - I'm only asking for something, that so many others have and yet take for granted.
PS - On a side note, I'm really nervous about my friend, Christina. She sent me a very cryptic message today, saying they got some 'not so good news about the babies' - and it's killing me not knowing. She had another ultrasound to go to today, to hopefully get 'diagnosed' (whatever that means) and she said she'd let me know what happens from that. Well, it's 9PM now, and I haven't heard a word from her.......... I'm thinking nothing but happy thoughts for her and their babies - I hope nothing is wrong and whatever it is they thought it was, was a big mistake. *crossing fingers*
Octuplets
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!?
Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly cuz I feel my blood pressure raising, but, I might type more later, after watching more of the interview.
This woman is giving IVF a bad name. Some people already have issues with the entire IVF debate, thinking that you 'shouldn't mess with nature'. Now this, is only making it harder for those of us who actually need it in order to have children of our own. Very loving, hard working couples, who would do anything if only to be given a chance to have a baby. It's so frustrating, and I just hope others don't think that that is what IVF is all about - selfish-ness.
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!? Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly because I feel my blood pressure raising.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The real scoop on IVF
I've just realized that I've been talking about going public and asking for help so we can hopefully afford IVF, yet most of you out there, dont have a clue what it's all about. I'm about to copy the description from the Victoria Fertility Centre website:
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, is a process designed to help women
achieve pregnancy. There may be many reasons why a couple are unable to become pregnant, and a thorough investigation of both partners is appropriate before making any decisions about treatment.
The first baby born through IVF was Louise Brown, through the pioneering efforts of Drs Steptoe and Edwards, in 1978. Originally, IVF was designed to help women with tubal disease, but today IVF is able to help couples with many different problems achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Before explaining IVF it is important to have a basic understanding of the female menstrual cycle.
The Normal Menstrual Cycle
Women are born with a finite number of eggs. The ovaries are not like the testes in men. The testes are like sperm factories that continue to make fresh sperm all the time. The ovaries are more like “banks” of eggs. The ovaries are not autonomous (self-regulating), and need to be stimulated to function.
The ovaries are controlled by a hormone called FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) produced in the brain. At the start of each menstrual cycle the brain releases FSH and, in response, a number of eggs are “recruited” or withdrawn from the “bank”. These eggs start maturing and each egg grows in a capsule of fluid called a follicle. A follicle is, in fact, a small cyst. Although many many eggs start on this journey, within a couple of days most will die and disappear, and only one or two will continue to grow and mature.
As the follicles grow they release a hormone called estradiol (estrogen). When the egg is almost mature, the rising estrogen level signals the brain to release a hormone called luteinizing hormone (LH). This hormone triggers ovulation, and it can be detected in a woman’s urine the day before she will ovulate. LH is the hormone that is detected by ovulation predictor kits.
Around the time of ovulation, the rising estrogen levels act on the mucus at the cervix, making it stringy – like the white of an egg. Normally the cervical mucus is thick, and is designed to prevent any bacteria from getting in to the uterus from the vagina. The estrogen makes the mucus sperm-friendly so that the sperm are able to penetrate through the mucus and get into the uterus and then on to the fallopian tubes.
After ovulation the egg is picked up by the many tiny finger-like structures at the end of the fallopian tube called fimbria. A sperm will then fertilize the egg in the upper part of the tube. A fertilized egg is called a zygote and then, once it starts to divide, an embryo. The early embryo spends 3–5 days in the tube before it reaching the uterus where it will then implant in the uterine lining (the endometrium) and begins to grow.
What Happens in an IVF Cycle
During IVF you are given medications which manipulate your ovaries and the eggs being produced. The idea is to try and get several eggs to mature, not just one or two. The follicles where the eggs are developing can be monitored by ultrasound and by measuring your estrogen levels.
ULTRASOUND IMAGE OF OVARY CONTAINING FOLLICLES
When the eggs are mature, they are taken from the ovaries (using a fine needle which is passed through the vagina under ultrasound guidance) and handed to the embryologist. The eggs are then fertilized with your partner's sperm (or, in some instances, donor sperm).
The fertilized eggs (embryos) are then cultured under very strict conditions and examined each day by the embryologist to assess their progress. On the third day the embryos are assessed by the embryologist and a meeting is then held to discuss them. At this meeting we decide how many to replace inside the uterus (by a second procedure called an embryo transfer).
Sometimes more than one embryo will be transferred, and sometimes the other good quality embryos will be suitable for freezing for your later use. Our aim is to enhance the chances of pregnancy but limit the risk of multiple pregnancies.
Multiple Pregnancies
Although most couples are happy to accept a risk of twins, it is important to know that even twins carry significant risks (e.g. premature delivery, developmental abnormalities, toxaemia, gestational diabetes, etc, etc). So although in most cases the outcome with twins is good there are significantly increased risks of problems over “singletons”.
Higher order multiple pregnancies such as triplets and quads carry extremely high risks – and we do everything we can to avoid these. If a pregnancy does occur with triplets or more we would encourage you to consider a selective reduction. This is a procedure done at 10–11 weeks’ gestation, whereby the number of fetuses is reduced to twins. It is like an amniocentesis, and does carry a risk – about 5 % – that the whole pregnancy could be miscarried. Ideally we try and avoid this scenario, which is upsetting to everyone.
Preparation for an IVF Cycle
In order to optimize results we recommend that you pay particular attention to both your physical and mental health both before and during the treatment phases. Both men and women are advised to stop smoking and drinking alcohol prior to treatment. We also recommend that women stop all caffeine as soon as they start medication and stay off it until the first pregnancy test. If pregnancy occurs we recommend no caffeine until 12 weeks’ gestation.
Optimal weight is very important, and being underweight or overweight can adversely influence the success of a cycle. The ideal body mass index (BMI) is between 20 and 25, and a BMI over 30 will both significantly reduce the chances of conception and increase the chance of miscarriage.
It is recommended that all women considering pregnancy take a prenatal supplement containing folic acid for at least a month or more before pregnancy, and then throughout the pregnancy. Materna is a popular prenatal vitamin. Folic acid has been shown to reduce the incidence of spina bifida and the ideal amount of folic that should be taken daily is 1 mg. Women in certain high-risk groups may need a higher dose to achieve the same protection. These include:
Women who are overweight
Diabetics
Women who have had a child with spinal bifida, or who have a relative with spinal bifida
Certain racial groups including Sikhs and women from some European countries such as Wales
Women who take anti-epileptic drugs
These groups of women are recommended to take 4 mg of folic acid daily.
You might be taking prescription drugs. Please make sure that you have discussed these with VFC before starting IVF treatment.
It is important to keep physically fit, although we would recommend that you moderate your exercise before an IVF cycle.
The Treatment Cycle - What to Expect
Although what follows is a "typical" approach – every treatment is individualized and this is therefore just an example.
Step 1
History, physical examination, blood tests, sperm functional assessment, pelvic ultrasound
Possibly hysteroscopy/laparoscopy
Consultation with our reproductive psychologist
Setting an individually-designed treatment plan
Clinical orientation at VFC (with one of our Clinical Co-coordinators) to explain your treatment plan and make sure that you understand how to give injections and take medications
Step 2
You maybe asked to take the birth control pill (the “Pill”) for approximately 3 weeks. This suppresses the ovaries and the uterine lining (puts them to sleep). It also suppresses other hormones which in certain circumstances has a positive effect on outcome
While on the Pill you will be asked to come to VFC for a Mock Embryo Transfer. You will be given an instruction sheet about this process. The reason for the Mock Embryo Transfer is to check that there will not be any problems transferring the very delicate embryos into your uterus.
Step 3
After being on the Pill for 2 weeks, you will be started on a drug called a GnRH analogue. The commonly-used ones, Suprefact and Lupron, are given by injection once a day, preferably in the morning. This drug suppresses the pituitary gland in the brain, which prevents it releasing FSH and LH. This means that we can take complete control of the ovaries and uterus without any interference from the brain
After being on the GnRH analogue for 7–10 days, you will be asked to stop the Pill – but you will continue to take the GnRH analogue. After stopping the Pill you will have a bleed (this is the lining of the uterus shedding).
You will then have an ultrasound to check that the ovaries are “suppressed”, i.e. that there are no follicular cysts on them. You will also have a blood test to check your estradiol level
If everything looks good you will be ready to start the stimulation phase of your cycle
Step 4: Stimulation Phase (ovulation induction)
You will continue with your GnRH analogue, aspirin and prenatal supplement
You will be started on injections of gonadotrophins, FSH and LH, to stimulate your ovaries. The names of the commonly used drugs are: Gonal F, Puregon and Repronex (although there are others). During your orientation session you will have been taught how to mix and inject these hormones
After approximately 7 days of stimulation you will have an estradiol (blood test) and ultrasound. The dosage of your gonadotrophin drugs might be adjusted at this stage
Step 5: The Follicles Are Ready
When the follicles reach a certain size and your estradiol levels are right you will be ready for “triggering”. At this stage you will be asked to stop the GnRH analogue and FSH/LH (gonadotrophin) injections. You will be told then when to have an injection of another drug called hCG (trade names are Profasi or Pregnyl). The hCG “matures” the eggs and makes them ready for retrieval
You will also be asked to start taking an antibiotic called Doxycyline. You will take this twice a day until the day of your embryo transfer taking the last dose of Doxycycline that evening.
Your egg retrieval will be scheduled for exactly 36 hours after this injection
Step 6: Egg Retrieval
You will be asked to do the following the day before your egg retrieval:
1.Have a normal supper the night before retrieval, but nothing to eat after midnight
2.Continue to take the antibiotics as directed.
3.On arrival, you will be asked to empty your bladder and change into a nightgown
4.You will then be given acupuncture for half an hour. This helps you relax, and also helps control the discomfort during the egg retrieval
5.After the acupuncture you will be introduced to the RN (Registered Nurse) who will assist with your procedure. The RN will take you through to the Procedure Room, an intravenous line will be started, and you will be hooked up to an ECG and Oxygen Saturation Monitor
6.Your legs will then be positioned in stirrups – just like when you have a Pap smear
7.A speculum will be introduced in to the vagina so that it can be cleaned thoroughly with sterile saline. Local anesthetic is then injected in to the vagina wall
8.During this time you will be given some medications called Fentanyl and Midazolam to control discomfort. These drugs will make you feel drowsy and relaxed. You will also be given an intravenous antibiotic to reduce the risk of infection
9.A vaginal ultrasound probe is then inserted into the vagina. A needle is passed alongside the probe, through the vagina wall into the ovaries, and the follicles are aspirated and their fluid collected in test tubes. The fluid is immediately examined by our embryologist. The eggs are identified, placed in culture medium and stored in an incubator. This whole procedure takes about 15 minutes
10.At the end of the procedure the probe is removed and you will rest until you are ready to go through to the Recovery Room. There you will rest until you feel ready to go home. During this time you will be offered a drink and some cookies
11.You will need to be escorted home by your partner or a friend. You must not drive for 24 hours after egg retrieval
12.After your egg retrieval, unless you are using frozen/donor sperm, your partner will be asked to produce a fresh semen sample at VFC
13.The sperm are then washed and prepared in the laboratory by our embryologist
14.The eggs are then inseminated either by mixing the sperm and eggs together (standard IVF) or by ICSI (ICSI stands for Intracytoplasmic sperm injection and involves injecting a single sperm into each egg). ICSI is performed only if we have concerns about the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. In either case, fertilization actually occurs several hours later
15.After egg retrieval you will be asked to start your progesterone to prepare the uterine lining for the embryo transfer which will take place on the third day after the egg retrieval. Progesterone is usually given in one of two ways:
a. Prometrium: This comes in 100mg tablets which are inserted in to the vagina. The usual dose is 200 mg (2 tablets) 3 times daily
b. Progesterone in oil: This is given by intra-muscular (“IM”) injection, the usual dose is 50 mg per day. These injections might need to be given at VFC – or by your family doctor – daily
Step 7: The Short Wait....
This is the 3-day period between egg retrieval and embryo transfer.
The day after egg retrieval you will be telephoned to tell you how many eggs have fertilized. The fertilized eggs (zygotes) are cultured under carefully controlled conditions for 3 days. Zygotes should divide into 2 cells later on the first day and are then called embryos. On the morning of the second day the embryos should have 4 cells each, and 8 cells by the morning of the third day
During these three days you may do everyday activities – but you will be asked to refrain from
Intercourse
Swimming or hot tubs
Coffee and alcohol
You should continue with your prenatal vitamins. You should continue with the progesterone preparation until told otherwise
Step 8: Day 3 – The Embryo Transfer
On the day of embryo transfer you will be asked to come to VFC at the specified time
You should drink 2 glasses of water an hour before your transfer – ideally we would like your bladder to be half full but not uncomfortable
We will discuss the embryos, their quality and confirm how many to transfer and freeze
You will be shown to the Procedure Room, and given acupuncture for 30 minutes
An ultrasound will then be done to check how full your bladder is
When ready, your legs will again be placed in some stirrups, a speculum introduced into the vagina and the cervix cleaned with saline
With an ultrasound probe on your tummy a fine catheter will then be passed through your cervix and the embryo(s) injected in to the uterus
You will then be asked to lie quietly for at least 20 to 30 minutes
After this you will be allowed to go home. You should rest quietly for the rest of the day – but don’t worry, the embryos won’t fall out
Step 9: The Long Wait....
This is the 12-day wait between your embryo transfer and the expected date of your next period (which hopefully won’t come for many months!).
You will be instructed to continue with the progesterone and prenatal vitamins – and any other medications that might be necessary
You will be given a requisition to have a pregnancy test on a specified date.
During this time we would encourage you to:
Avoid intercourse
Restrict exercise to everyday activities only
Get lots of rest
Think positively!!!
Expectations
It is important to be well-informed and have realistic expectations. Some important points are:
Not every follicle contains an egg. So, if for example 10 follicles were identified by ultrasound prior to retrieval, it would be realistic to hope for 5 – 7 eggs
The number and quality of eggs can also be predicted to some extent by the levels of estradiol
Not every egg is good quality – so not every egg fertilizes. We expect a fertilization rate of about 80%
Not every fertilized egg develops into a perfect embryo
On Day 3 our embryologist assesses the embryos according to very strict criteria to help us decide which embryos to choose for transfer
Not every embryo that is not transferred is suitable for freezing. Poorer quality embryos are unlikely to survive freezing and thawing – and may be discarded
The table below gives some idea of IVF/ICSI cycles for average patients
Schematic Summary of an IVF Cycle
Birth control pill for 2 weeks
–
Add Suprefact – and continue the Pill – for 1 week
–
Stop the Pill – continue Suprefact
Expect vaginal bleed – continue Suprefact only
–
Ultrasound and estradiol (blood test)
If satisfactory, start HMG (Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex)
–
After 7 days of HMG, repeat ultrasound and estradiol
Further monitoring until follicles are “ready”
Trigger with hCG (Profasi or Pregnyl)
–
Egg retrieval – Fertilization – Embryo culture
–
Embryo transfer
–
Pregnancy test
Risks and Possible Complications Related to Superovulation and IVF/ICSI
1.) Canceled Cycles
A cycle might be canceled for a variety of reasons, the most common of which are either an under- or over-response to the fertility drugs. We do our best to predict the ovaries’ likely responses to the fertility drugs, and choose a dosage that is most appropriate to your individual characteristics. The ovaries are assessed pre-IVF by doing a Day 3 FSH level, and by examining them using ultrasound. Your weight and age are also important considerations.
Older women, elevated FSH levels, and previous poor response to stimulation are all factors that may predict a poor response to these medications. In these situations, a protocol will be selected to try and get the most from your ovaries. However, sometimes there is such a poor response that the cycle has to be abandoned.
On the other hand, sometimes the ovaries over-respond. Women at risk for this are those with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and women who are overweight and not menstruating regularly.
One of the potential complications from over-responding is a condition called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a potentially dangerous condition that results from the estrogen levels being too high. This causes the membranes between fluid compartments in your body to become too permeable, resulting in fluid leaking into body cavities such as the peritoneal cavity (abdomen) and the pleural spaces (chest, around the lungs). OHSS also tends to result in the fluid volume in your blood vessels (the “intravascular volume”) falling, leading to a hypercoagulable state – in other words, you may be more prone to blood clots and stroke.
There are several ways to identify this condition (OHSS), and precautions that can be taken to prevent serious complications. If, during the stimulation phase of the cycle, too many follicles start growing, and the estrogen levels get too high, different options become available. This situation usually only becomes dangerous if the hCG is given, or if pregnancy occurs. The different options include:
Coasting – stopping the FSH drugs and waiting for the estrogen levels to come down before giving hCG.
Retrieving and fertilizing the eggs, but then freezing all the embryos for later use; so that pregnancy will not occur until the ovaries and estrogen levels have had a chance to settle down.
Canceling the cycle completely.
Common symptoms associated with OHSS include bloating, nausea, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, vomiting and low urine output. Many cases are mild and respond to simple measures such as fluid manipulations.
2.) Surgical Complications from the Egg Retrieval
Potential complications from this procedure include the following:
Internal bleeding
Infection
Damage to internal organs such as the bladder, bowel or ureters
These are all very uncommon.
3.) Ovarian Complications
After IVF the ovaries become swollen and tender. They can be very uncomfortable and can occasionally twist or bleed. Very rarely it might be necessary to do a surgical procedure to untwist them or stop them bleeding.
4.) Multiple Pregnancy
It is our duty to do the very best to achieve pregnancy while also reducing the risk of multiple pregnancy. Even twins carry significant risks, some of which are listed below:
Increased social or domestic stress with child raising.
Increased chance of premature delivery, with all the associated risks such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders, low birth weight, congenital anomalies, etc.
Increased pregnancy risks, such as toxaemia (high blood pressure), gestational diabetes, anaemia, operative delivery, miscarriage, post-partum bleeding, etc.
Some of the ways to reduce the risks of a multiple pregnancy include:
Limiting the number of embryos transferred
Transferring only one embryo
Selective reduction
5.) Long-term Risks of Cancer
There have been concerns raised over the years that there might be long-term cancer risks associated with the use of fertility drugs.
One study in Washington State revealed that an unusual number of women with cancer had used a fertility drug called Clomiphene. However, subsequent studies that have been done are more, reassuring. There are many other factors that might be associated with an increased risk of ovarian cancer, one of which is infertility itself.
Recently, some studies have suggested a possible increase in the risk of breast cancer associated with the use of FSH (e.g. Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex), although once again the findings across all relevant studies are inconclusive.
At this present time the Cochrane review does not support an association between IVF, Fertility drugs and breast or ovarian cancer.
The bottom line is that there may be a risk, and these drugs should be used responsibly, on each occasion maximizing the chance of a pregnancy so as to reduce long-term (repeated) exposure.
6.) Risks of IVF and ICSI to Children
So far, the studies done looking at children born after IVF and ICSI have been very reassuring. There is some evidence that children born after IVF/ICSI might have a slightly lower birth weight than children conceived naturally.
Recent evidence suggests that there might be a slightly higher risk of congenital abnormalities in children born after ICSI, but not IVF. It should be remembered that all babies born (i.e.naturally conceived babies) have a 4–6% risk of some form of congenital abnormality. These should not be confused with the genetic problems that increase with maternal age. Common congenital abnormalities include such things as club foot, cleft palate, extra digits, hernias, etc, which are not related to maternal age. However, it must also be remembered that babies born after IVF and ICSI are far more carefully scrutinized than babies conceived naturally.
Nonetheless, it is important that you are aware that there is a likelihood that a male sperm problem, if it is something you were born with, will probably be transmitted to your sons via the Y chromosome.
Having said all this, for the most part, the information available is reassuring.
7.) Miscarriage
Miscarriage can occur in up to 10–20% of pregnancies, depending on maternal age. The rate of miscarriage may be higher with IVF/ICSI than in natural conception cycles, although this could be influenced by personal history and health. There may also be an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, especially if there is a history of damaged fallopian tubes.
Dealing With Bad News – A Failed Cycle or Obtaining Fewer Than Expected Eggs or Embryos
Unfortunately, one has to be realistic about IVF success rates. It is recommended that dealing with a failed cycle be discussed beforehand, and that plans are made for receiving the pregnancy test result on the appointed day. A failed cycle often leave women with feelings of frustration, sadness and even despair. This is why we encourage all our patients at VFC to meet with our reproductive psychologist at the start of a treatment cycle.
Alright, how do you like that? Not quite what you thought it was going to be, was it? The thought of actually going through that, scares the shit out of me, but I'm willing to do it. The need to have a baby is so intense and so ingrained in us – we're willing to do whatever it takes for it to finally happen. To finally have what everyone else gets, so easily.
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, is a process designed to help women
achieve pregnancy. There may be many reasons why a couple are unable to become pregnant, and a thorough investigation of both partners is appropriate before making any decisions about treatment.
The first baby born through IVF was Louise Brown, through the pioneering efforts of Drs Steptoe and Edwards, in 1978. Originally, IVF was designed to help women with tubal disease, but today IVF is able to help couples with many different problems achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Before explaining IVF it is important to have a basic understanding of the female menstrual cycle.
The Normal Menstrual Cycle
Women are born with a finite number of eggs. The ovaries are not like the testes in men. The testes are like sperm factories that continue to make fresh sperm all the time. The ovaries are more like “banks” of eggs. The ovaries are not autonomous (self-regulating), and need to be stimulated to function.
The ovaries are controlled by a hormone called FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) produced in the brain. At the start of each menstrual cycle the brain releases FSH and, in response, a number of eggs are “recruited” or withdrawn from the “bank”. These eggs start maturing and each egg grows in a capsule of fluid called a follicle. A follicle is, in fact, a small cyst. Although many many eggs start on this journey, within a couple of days most will die and disappear, and only one or two will continue to grow and mature.
As the follicles grow they release a hormone called estradiol (estrogen). When the egg is almost mature, the rising estrogen level signals the brain to release a hormone called luteinizing hormone (LH). This hormone triggers ovulation, and it can be detected in a woman’s urine the day before she will ovulate. LH is the hormone that is detected by ovulation predictor kits.
Around the time of ovulation, the rising estrogen levels act on the mucus at the cervix, making it stringy – like the white of an egg. Normally the cervical mucus is thick, and is designed to prevent any bacteria from getting in to the uterus from the vagina. The estrogen makes the mucus sperm-friendly so that the sperm are able to penetrate through the mucus and get into the uterus and then on to the fallopian tubes.
After ovulation the egg is picked up by the many tiny finger-like structures at the end of the fallopian tube called fimbria. A sperm will then fertilize the egg in the upper part of the tube. A fertilized egg is called a zygote and then, once it starts to divide, an embryo. The early embryo spends 3–5 days in the tube before it reaching the uterus where it will then implant in the uterine lining (the endometrium) and begins to grow.
What Happens in an IVF Cycle
During IVF you are given medications which manipulate your ovaries and the eggs being produced. The idea is to try and get several eggs to mature, not just one or two. The follicles where the eggs are developing can be monitored by ultrasound and by measuring your estrogen levels.
ULTRASOUND IMAGE OF OVARY CONTAINING FOLLICLES
When the eggs are mature, they are taken from the ovaries (using a fine needle which is passed through the vagina under ultrasound guidance) and handed to the embryologist. The eggs are then fertilized with your partner's sperm (or, in some instances, donor sperm).
The fertilized eggs (embryos) are then cultured under very strict conditions and examined each day by the embryologist to assess their progress. On the third day the embryos are assessed by the embryologist and a meeting is then held to discuss them. At this meeting we decide how many to replace inside the uterus (by a second procedure called an embryo transfer).
Sometimes more than one embryo will be transferred, and sometimes the other good quality embryos will be suitable for freezing for your later use. Our aim is to enhance the chances of pregnancy but limit the risk of multiple pregnancies.
Multiple Pregnancies
Although most couples are happy to accept a risk of twins, it is important to know that even twins carry significant risks (e.g. premature delivery, developmental abnormalities, toxaemia, gestational diabetes, etc, etc). So although in most cases the outcome with twins is good there are significantly increased risks of problems over “singletons”.
Higher order multiple pregnancies such as triplets and quads carry extremely high risks – and we do everything we can to avoid these. If a pregnancy does occur with triplets or more we would encourage you to consider a selective reduction. This is a procedure done at 10–11 weeks’ gestation, whereby the number of fetuses is reduced to twins. It is like an amniocentesis, and does carry a risk – about 5 % – that the whole pregnancy could be miscarried. Ideally we try and avoid this scenario, which is upsetting to everyone.
Preparation for an IVF Cycle
In order to optimize results we recommend that you pay particular attention to both your physical and mental health both before and during the treatment phases. Both men and women are advised to stop smoking and drinking alcohol prior to treatment. We also recommend that women stop all caffeine as soon as they start medication and stay off it until the first pregnancy test. If pregnancy occurs we recommend no caffeine until 12 weeks’ gestation.
Optimal weight is very important, and being underweight or overweight can adversely influence the success of a cycle. The ideal body mass index (BMI) is between 20 and 25, and a BMI over 30 will both significantly reduce the chances of conception and increase the chance of miscarriage.
It is recommended that all women considering pregnancy take a prenatal supplement containing folic acid for at least a month or more before pregnancy, and then throughout the pregnancy. Materna is a popular prenatal vitamin. Folic acid has been shown to reduce the incidence of spina bifida and the ideal amount of folic that should be taken daily is 1 mg. Women in certain high-risk groups may need a higher dose to achieve the same protection. These include:
Women who are overweight
Diabetics
Women who have had a child with spinal bifida, or who have a relative with spinal bifida
Certain racial groups including Sikhs and women from some European countries such as Wales
Women who take anti-epileptic drugs
These groups of women are recommended to take 4 mg of folic acid daily.
You might be taking prescription drugs. Please make sure that you have discussed these with VFC before starting IVF treatment.
It is important to keep physically fit, although we would recommend that you moderate your exercise before an IVF cycle.
The Treatment Cycle - What to Expect
Although what follows is a "typical" approach – every treatment is individualized and this is therefore just an example.
Step 1
History, physical examination, blood tests, sperm functional assessment, pelvic ultrasound
Possibly hysteroscopy/laparoscopy
Consultation with our reproductive psychologist
Setting an individually-designed treatment plan
Clinical orientation at VFC (with one of our Clinical Co-coordinators) to explain your treatment plan and make sure that you understand how to give injections and take medications
Step 2
You maybe asked to take the birth control pill (the “Pill”) for approximately 3 weeks. This suppresses the ovaries and the uterine lining (puts them to sleep). It also suppresses other hormones which in certain circumstances has a positive effect on outcome
While on the Pill you will be asked to come to VFC for a Mock Embryo Transfer. You will be given an instruction sheet about this process. The reason for the Mock Embryo Transfer is to check that there will not be any problems transferring the very delicate embryos into your uterus.
Step 3
After being on the Pill for 2 weeks, you will be started on a drug called a GnRH analogue. The commonly-used ones, Suprefact and Lupron, are given by injection once a day, preferably in the morning. This drug suppresses the pituitary gland in the brain, which prevents it releasing FSH and LH. This means that we can take complete control of the ovaries and uterus without any interference from the brain
After being on the GnRH analogue for 7–10 days, you will be asked to stop the Pill – but you will continue to take the GnRH analogue. After stopping the Pill you will have a bleed (this is the lining of the uterus shedding).
You will then have an ultrasound to check that the ovaries are “suppressed”, i.e. that there are no follicular cysts on them. You will also have a blood test to check your estradiol level
If everything looks good you will be ready to start the stimulation phase of your cycle
Step 4: Stimulation Phase (ovulation induction)
You will continue with your GnRH analogue, aspirin and prenatal supplement
You will be started on injections of gonadotrophins, FSH and LH, to stimulate your ovaries. The names of the commonly used drugs are: Gonal F, Puregon and Repronex (although there are others). During your orientation session you will have been taught how to mix and inject these hormones
After approximately 7 days of stimulation you will have an estradiol (blood test) and ultrasound. The dosage of your gonadotrophin drugs might be adjusted at this stage
Step 5: The Follicles Are Ready
When the follicles reach a certain size and your estradiol levels are right you will be ready for “triggering”. At this stage you will be asked to stop the GnRH analogue and FSH/LH (gonadotrophin) injections. You will be told then when to have an injection of another drug called hCG (trade names are Profasi or Pregnyl). The hCG “matures” the eggs and makes them ready for retrieval
You will also be asked to start taking an antibiotic called Doxycyline. You will take this twice a day until the day of your embryo transfer taking the last dose of Doxycycline that evening.
Your egg retrieval will be scheduled for exactly 36 hours after this injection
Step 6: Egg Retrieval
You will be asked to do the following the day before your egg retrieval:
1.Have a normal supper the night before retrieval, but nothing to eat after midnight
2.Continue to take the antibiotics as directed.
3.On arrival, you will be asked to empty your bladder and change into a nightgown
4.You will then be given acupuncture for half an hour. This helps you relax, and also helps control the discomfort during the egg retrieval
5.After the acupuncture you will be introduced to the RN (Registered Nurse) who will assist with your procedure. The RN will take you through to the Procedure Room, an intravenous line will be started, and you will be hooked up to an ECG and Oxygen Saturation Monitor
6.Your legs will then be positioned in stirrups – just like when you have a Pap smear
7.A speculum will be introduced in to the vagina so that it can be cleaned thoroughly with sterile saline. Local anesthetic is then injected in to the vagina wall
8.During this time you will be given some medications called Fentanyl and Midazolam to control discomfort. These drugs will make you feel drowsy and relaxed. You will also be given an intravenous antibiotic to reduce the risk of infection
9.A vaginal ultrasound probe is then inserted into the vagina. A needle is passed alongside the probe, through the vagina wall into the ovaries, and the follicles are aspirated and their fluid collected in test tubes. The fluid is immediately examined by our embryologist. The eggs are identified, placed in culture medium and stored in an incubator. This whole procedure takes about 15 minutes
10.At the end of the procedure the probe is removed and you will rest until you are ready to go through to the Recovery Room. There you will rest until you feel ready to go home. During this time you will be offered a drink and some cookies
11.You will need to be escorted home by your partner or a friend. You must not drive for 24 hours after egg retrieval
12.After your egg retrieval, unless you are using frozen/donor sperm, your partner will be asked to produce a fresh semen sample at VFC
13.The sperm are then washed and prepared in the laboratory by our embryologist
14.The eggs are then inseminated either by mixing the sperm and eggs together (standard IVF) or by ICSI (ICSI stands for Intracytoplasmic sperm injection and involves injecting a single sperm into each egg). ICSI is performed only if we have concerns about the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. In either case, fertilization actually occurs several hours later
15.After egg retrieval you will be asked to start your progesterone to prepare the uterine lining for the embryo transfer which will take place on the third day after the egg retrieval. Progesterone is usually given in one of two ways:
a. Prometrium: This comes in 100mg tablets which are inserted in to the vagina. The usual dose is 200 mg (2 tablets) 3 times daily
b. Progesterone in oil: This is given by intra-muscular (“IM”) injection, the usual dose is 50 mg per day. These injections might need to be given at VFC – or by your family doctor – daily
Step 7: The Short Wait....
This is the 3-day period between egg retrieval and embryo transfer.
The day after egg retrieval you will be telephoned to tell you how many eggs have fertilized. The fertilized eggs (zygotes) are cultured under carefully controlled conditions for 3 days. Zygotes should divide into 2 cells later on the first day and are then called embryos. On the morning of the second day the embryos should have 4 cells each, and 8 cells by the morning of the third day
During these three days you may do everyday activities – but you will be asked to refrain from
Intercourse
Swimming or hot tubs
Coffee and alcohol
You should continue with your prenatal vitamins. You should continue with the progesterone preparation until told otherwise
Step 8: Day 3 – The Embryo Transfer
On the day of embryo transfer you will be asked to come to VFC at the specified time
You should drink 2 glasses of water an hour before your transfer – ideally we would like your bladder to be half full but not uncomfortable
We will discuss the embryos, their quality and confirm how many to transfer and freeze
You will be shown to the Procedure Room, and given acupuncture for 30 minutes
An ultrasound will then be done to check how full your bladder is
When ready, your legs will again be placed in some stirrups, a speculum introduced into the vagina and the cervix cleaned with saline
With an ultrasound probe on your tummy a fine catheter will then be passed through your cervix and the embryo(s) injected in to the uterus
You will then be asked to lie quietly for at least 20 to 30 minutes
After this you will be allowed to go home. You should rest quietly for the rest of the day – but don’t worry, the embryos won’t fall out
Step 9: The Long Wait....
This is the 12-day wait between your embryo transfer and the expected date of your next period (which hopefully won’t come for many months!).
You will be instructed to continue with the progesterone and prenatal vitamins – and any other medications that might be necessary
You will be given a requisition to have a pregnancy test on a specified date.
During this time we would encourage you to:
Avoid intercourse
Restrict exercise to everyday activities only
Get lots of rest
Think positively!!!
Expectations
It is important to be well-informed and have realistic expectations. Some important points are:
Not every follicle contains an egg. So, if for example 10 follicles were identified by ultrasound prior to retrieval, it would be realistic to hope for 5 – 7 eggs
The number and quality of eggs can also be predicted to some extent by the levels of estradiol
Not every egg is good quality – so not every egg fertilizes. We expect a fertilization rate of about 80%
Not every fertilized egg develops into a perfect embryo
On Day 3 our embryologist assesses the embryos according to very strict criteria to help us decide which embryos to choose for transfer
Not every embryo that is not transferred is suitable for freezing. Poorer quality embryos are unlikely to survive freezing and thawing – and may be discarded
The table below gives some idea of IVF/ICSI cycles for average patients
Schematic Summary of an IVF Cycle
Birth control pill for 2 weeks
–
Add Suprefact – and continue the Pill – for 1 week
–
Stop the Pill – continue Suprefact
Expect vaginal bleed – continue Suprefact only
–
Ultrasound and estradiol (blood test)
If satisfactory, start HMG (Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex)
–
After 7 days of HMG, repeat ultrasound and estradiol
Further monitoring until follicles are “ready”
Trigger with hCG (Profasi or Pregnyl)
–
Egg retrieval – Fertilization – Embryo culture
–
Embryo transfer
–
Pregnancy test
Risks and Possible Complications Related to Superovulation and IVF/ICSI
1.) Canceled Cycles
A cycle might be canceled for a variety of reasons, the most common of which are either an under- or over-response to the fertility drugs. We do our best to predict the ovaries’ likely responses to the fertility drugs, and choose a dosage that is most appropriate to your individual characteristics. The ovaries are assessed pre-IVF by doing a Day 3 FSH level, and by examining them using ultrasound. Your weight and age are also important considerations.
Older women, elevated FSH levels, and previous poor response to stimulation are all factors that may predict a poor response to these medications. In these situations, a protocol will be selected to try and get the most from your ovaries. However, sometimes there is such a poor response that the cycle has to be abandoned.
On the other hand, sometimes the ovaries over-respond. Women at risk for this are those with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and women who are overweight and not menstruating regularly.
One of the potential complications from over-responding is a condition called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a potentially dangerous condition that results from the estrogen levels being too high. This causes the membranes between fluid compartments in your body to become too permeable, resulting in fluid leaking into body cavities such as the peritoneal cavity (abdomen) and the pleural spaces (chest, around the lungs). OHSS also tends to result in the fluid volume in your blood vessels (the “intravascular volume”) falling, leading to a hypercoagulable state – in other words, you may be more prone to blood clots and stroke.
There are several ways to identify this condition (OHSS), and precautions that can be taken to prevent serious complications. If, during the stimulation phase of the cycle, too many follicles start growing, and the estrogen levels get too high, different options become available. This situation usually only becomes dangerous if the hCG is given, or if pregnancy occurs. The different options include:
Coasting – stopping the FSH drugs and waiting for the estrogen levels to come down before giving hCG.
Retrieving and fertilizing the eggs, but then freezing all the embryos for later use; so that pregnancy will not occur until the ovaries and estrogen levels have had a chance to settle down.
Canceling the cycle completely.
Common symptoms associated with OHSS include bloating, nausea, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, vomiting and low urine output. Many cases are mild and respond to simple measures such as fluid manipulations.
2.) Surgical Complications from the Egg Retrieval
Potential complications from this procedure include the following:
Internal bleeding
Infection
Damage to internal organs such as the bladder, bowel or ureters
These are all very uncommon.
3.) Ovarian Complications
After IVF the ovaries become swollen and tender. They can be very uncomfortable and can occasionally twist or bleed. Very rarely it might be necessary to do a surgical procedure to untwist them or stop them bleeding.
4.) Multiple Pregnancy
It is our duty to do the very best to achieve pregnancy while also reducing the risk of multiple pregnancy. Even twins carry significant risks, some of which are listed below:
Increased social or domestic stress with child raising.
Increased chance of premature delivery, with all the associated risks such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders, low birth weight, congenital anomalies, etc.
Increased pregnancy risks, such as toxaemia (high blood pressure), gestational diabetes, anaemia, operative delivery, miscarriage, post-partum bleeding, etc.
Some of the ways to reduce the risks of a multiple pregnancy include:
Limiting the number of embryos transferred
Transferring only one embryo
Selective reduction
5.) Long-term Risks of Cancer
There have been concerns raised over the years that there might be long-term cancer risks associated with the use of fertility drugs.
One study in Washington State revealed that an unusual number of women with cancer had used a fertility drug called Clomiphene. However, subsequent studies that have been done are more, reassuring. There are many other factors that might be associated with an increased risk of ovarian cancer, one of which is infertility itself.
Recently, some studies have suggested a possible increase in the risk of breast cancer associated with the use of FSH (e.g. Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex), although once again the findings across all relevant studies are inconclusive.
At this present time the Cochrane review does not support an association between IVF, Fertility drugs and breast or ovarian cancer.
The bottom line is that there may be a risk, and these drugs should be used responsibly, on each occasion maximizing the chance of a pregnancy so as to reduce long-term (repeated) exposure.
6.) Risks of IVF and ICSI to Children
So far, the studies done looking at children born after IVF and ICSI have been very reassuring. There is some evidence that children born after IVF/ICSI might have a slightly lower birth weight than children conceived naturally.
Recent evidence suggests that there might be a slightly higher risk of congenital abnormalities in children born after ICSI, but not IVF. It should be remembered that all babies born (i.e.naturally conceived babies) have a 4–6% risk of some form of congenital abnormality. These should not be confused with the genetic problems that increase with maternal age. Common congenital abnormalities include such things as club foot, cleft palate, extra digits, hernias, etc, which are not related to maternal age. However, it must also be remembered that babies born after IVF and ICSI are far more carefully scrutinized than babies conceived naturally.
Nonetheless, it is important that you are aware that there is a likelihood that a male sperm problem, if it is something you were born with, will probably be transmitted to your sons via the Y chromosome.
Having said all this, for the most part, the information available is reassuring.
7.) Miscarriage
Miscarriage can occur in up to 10–20% of pregnancies, depending on maternal age. The rate of miscarriage may be higher with IVF/ICSI than in natural conception cycles, although this could be influenced by personal history and health. There may also be an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, especially if there is a history of damaged fallopian tubes.
Dealing With Bad News – A Failed Cycle or Obtaining Fewer Than Expected Eggs or Embryos
Unfortunately, one has to be realistic about IVF success rates. It is recommended that dealing with a failed cycle be discussed beforehand, and that plans are made for receiving the pregnancy test result on the appointed day. A failed cycle often leave women with feelings of frustration, sadness and even despair. This is why we encourage all our patients at VFC to meet with our reproductive psychologist at the start of a treatment cycle.
Alright, how do you like that? Not quite what you thought it was going to be, was it? The thought of actually going through that, scares the shit out of me, but I'm willing to do it. The need to have a baby is so intense and so ingrained in us – we're willing to do whatever it takes for it to finally happen. To finally have what everyone else gets, so easily.
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