$10,000 to have a baby!?

$10,000 to have a baby!?


$10,000 to have a baby!? It shouldn't be decided on who can have a baby, by what they can afford. I've said that before, but I can't say it enough - it's just so unfair. Some people argue that people who can't get pregnant on their own, is natures way of keeping the population down, a 'natural selection' if you will. Obviously the person who said that, either doesn't want kids, or already has them. You will NEVER find any woman, who's fighting Infertility, uttering those words.

Seriously. years and years ago, that was my mind set as well - if someone was not able to have children on their own, why fight nature - just adopt or move on with your life, without kids. <-- Some things do come back to bite you in the ass. You know, when being faced with something like Infertility, you really do start to wonder, 'Why us? What did we do wrong? Can't God not see how badly we want children - that we'd be great parents?' We can't help but have those thoughts... who wouldn't. It's the same for someone who gets diagnosed with cancer, or Aids - they too, I'm sure, question, Why them!? And I'll answer that for you now - Why us? <-- There is NO answer. But it's definitely NOT Gods way of punishing you for something you've done wrong. It's NOT a test of patience. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being human. Everyone is dealt something in their life to deal with, and this just happens to be our.... struggle.

So many people have told me how strong I am. How they'd never be able to go through what we do, month after month, without falling into some sort of serious depression. Well, most days, I'm not as strong as I look - ask Christina - I don't pretend with her. I'm upfront and very honest about how I'm feeling on any particular day - whether I'm doing good and being optimistic, or whether there's nothing I'd rather do than to just be 'ignorant' for a day or go home, curl up into a ball and cry. Remember back awhile when I said those fighting Infertility have to be quite the actors/actresses? Well, it's true - on the outside, we're strong, in control and dealing with everything with a positive mind set. On the inside, however, it can be far from OK. Most days, I'm fine, I'm thinking positive - but the battle, never leaves my mind, ever.

Just the thought of actually going through with IVF - I can't explain how much it terrifies me. The SHG - well, let me describe that for you - and you tell me how you'd feel about having to have that done:

Sonohysterogram = They put me in the position, just like getting a Pap done, and they fill my uterus with saline, in order to get a good look around and make sure everything is good to go for the IVF.

And not only that, but soon after, I have to go through all the meds/needles/ultrasounds/probes/retrieval and transfer - some of which, are also painful. Seriously, not a word of a lie, I just think about going through it, and I get the nervous shakes and some serious butterflies in my stomach. I start to question whether we should even do it in the first place - I mean, I know we will, and we want to, but ... just the thought of paying $10,000, going through all you have to go through, and possibly getting a negative result in the end, I don't even want to think about that, or I may just never go through with it at all.

I know there are MANY MANY women who have been fighting Infertility longer than I have, and to them, my heart goes out - they are my heroes. And I'm sure there's also many people who think that maybe Dusty and I are jumping the gun by moving to IVF already - since it hasn't even been 2 1/2 years yet - others have conceived on their own after this time - including my Other Mom, who took about 4 years to conceive. But, in our minds, it's been long enough - we've given it our all, we've tried less invasive treatments, tried on our own, and now it's time to move on. I'm not getting any younger and the older you get, the less chance of IVF even working, comes into play. That, and more risks of things going wrong with the pregnancy and or the baby. Add on to that, the fact that I wanna still be 'young' and have the energy to get down on the floor and play and interact with my children, and we don't think it's too soon to move onto IVF. I hear women complaining when it's been only 3 or 4 months of trying and it not happening yet - and yet they question my decision to move onto IVF after 28 months of trying? I'd like to see anyone go through Infertility for almost 2 1/2 years, and them not be desperate to try whatever it takes to finally make it happen.

Also, anytime I question whether IVF is for us, now, I remind myself how long it's been, how old we are, everything that we've already tried, AND the fact that even when Dusty was in his early 20's, he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend for 3 years, and she never got pregnant - but has since gone on to have kids. I don't want to wait another year of going through this hell, only to figure out that we should have moved on sooner - no thanks.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Good news - IVF, here we come...


OK, finally, some good news. No, I'm not pregnant. If I were, you all would have heard me, from where ever you are, yelling, jumping up n down and crying tears of joy :) It'll happen.... soon! *positive thinking at it's finest*

The news: Mom and Dad have offered to loan us the money to go through with a round of IVF!!! OMG - sooo excited, yet sooo scared!!! It couldn't have happened at a better time either, as I just got my period, and I can now get the process started, ASAP.

OK, I should jump back a few days and tell you about our last appointment with Dr H. We had an appointment booked for a few short days after we returned from our honeymoon, to talk about the process of IVF - should we ever be able to afford it. We wanted to make sure, that in case we got the money and wanted to go through with it, that there weren't any waiting lists, or more tests to be done. If there were more tests to be done, let's get em down now. Here's what we learned:

Dr H told us that there is no waiting list, when we have the money, we just call the clinic and let them know that we're starting a round of IVF. He gave me a prescription for the birth controls pills (BCP's) and also a prescription for some antibiotics, to take before my Sonohysterogram and Endometrial biopsy, that I'd have to go through in the first couple weeks of the IVF journey. We got a paper explaining who to call and when, and to start taking prenatal vitamins (which I've already been taking for the past 28 months) and also to start taking an iron supplement as well.

Dr H told us about the endometrial biopsy - saying that studies are showing that doing it before an IVF, has been shown to improve implantation rates, which in turn leads to higher success with IVF. I say, bring it on - I'm all over doing anything to bring about a higher success rate.

He said he gives us a 50% chance of it working the first time and an 80% chance of it working within 3 tries. <-- He has a new payment plan going on now. You pay full price for your first round, and if that one is unsuccessful, then the 2nd and 3rd one (if needed) are then only $1000 PLUS the cost of meds. <-- That's HUGE, that's about a 50% savings for us. He's doing that payment plan, to try to help couples going through IVF as it's soooo expensive, most people put so much pressure on themselves for it working on the first go. Now, since it's soooo much cheaper for the next 2... he's hoping to take a bit of the stress off, everyone.

80% chance!!? The last time we heard 80% was when we were being told those were the odds against us. It's so nice to hear those numbers in favor of us for once.

Sooooo, when Mom told me about loaning us the money - Number 1: I cried, and thanked her and Number 2: I called the clinic the next day and told them we're starting, as I raced out to get the BCP's that I would be starting that very day.

How exciting/terrifying!!!!

________________________________________________________________________________________________
Birth Control pills suck nut!

Who knew the BCP's could possibly be the worst part of this entire process!? Cycle day 3, I took my first BCP, before bed - Cycle day 4, I had to have Gravol for breakfast, it wasn't pretty. I was seconds away from calling in sick to work, but since I had just told everyone there, that we were starting the IVF process that day, I didn't think it would go over well to call in sick, the very next day. Sucking it up and going to work, was rough, I'm not going to lie. Nothing like going to work, with nothing in your stomach but Gravol and wishing you could be anywhere BUT there.

I've since learned, to take my pills with supper. Though I have to say, that doesn't help all that much. I have been sick, in some way or the other, every single day since starting those damn things. Uncontrolably tired, feeling like I'm going to puke, sore breasts, and just a general feeling of being sick. Oh the things us women go through.

When I called the clinic to tell them that I was starting the BCP, they then booked my sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy. Once I read about the biopsy, I have to say, I was terrified. It even said 'It's painful and will cause a strong cramp'. Drs never tell you that something is painful, they always just say 'it's uncomfortable'. My tests were booked for April 8th at 11:30AM - 1 1/2 weeks away.



Sonohysterogram & Endometrial Biopsy

April 8th - The day has come, the day I have been dreading for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I had to leave work early and even on my way home I was crying because I was so scared of the biopsy. I'm not ashamed to admit, I'm a whimp when it comes to pain - especially pain.... down there.

We get to the clinic and are lead into a room where I'm asked to strip, from the waist down and lay on the table. I can't explain how scared I was......as I was laying there, waiting for the dreaded knock on the door to signal the Dr had arrived and the test was about to begin. As usual, with any Dr clinic, we had to wait about 1/2 an hour - but it felt like an eternity. I was dreading it, but I wanted to get it done and over with - no more waiting!

Finally, the Dr and assistant walk in. 'How are you doing today?' Dr H asks, with a big smile on his face. 'I'd be better if I wasn't here' I reply - to which we all giggle. I then asked if I could possibly get an epidural and Dr H laughed - little does he know, I was serious. :)

I assumed the position, all ladies know which one I'm talking about. I had Dusty laying on my chest so I could hang on for all I was worth. The Sonohysterogram wasn't bad at all, in fact, it was better than the HSG test I had done last year. Then came the biopsy. I knew it was going to hurt and so I grabbed onto Dusty even harder and closed my eyes. I think Dr H said he was about to do it (I don't really remember much anymore, not a lie) and OMG, the pain, was intense!!! There I was, Dr H between my legs, Dusty laying on my chest, the nurse hanging onto my leg and me, going threw some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I was crying and moaning, Dusty was talking to me (tho I don't have a clue what he was saying), Dr H was telling me not to move, the nurse was telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and Dr H also started telling his assistant to check my pulse - I think he was a bit worried about me. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to do it a second time. It was hell, it really was.

Once the nurse and Dr left, I was still crying a bit, just from the whole experience, not from it hurting anymore - and Dusty leaned
into me and said 'OMG, I cant stand to see you in that much pain' and he damn near cried - he had VERY wet eyes (and a shaky voice) and I could tell he was seconds from full on crying. How sweet of him......

Then we had our official orientation and learned all about my protocol, how to do the drugs, when to do the drugs, etc. Starting tonite, I have to have Suprefact every night until my egg retrieval (to further shut down all my body- basically throwing me into menopause at the ripe ol age of 33- oh joy). Starting next Sunday, I also get to add 2 more shots per night (Repronex & Puregon)to that until my ER again. So, I'll be doing 3 needles a night soon - all in my belly. OMG - what have we gotten ourselves into? Also, cuz Dustys medical is done as of the 21st, we asked to get all our drugs now - OUCH! We just paid $3650.00 for meds alone - Lets see how much we get back, if any.

Its sooo unfair that most people can get pregnant easily and when they want, and then there are those of us who have to go through hell to even try - with no guarantees. One of my clients and I were talking last night about twins - cuz I have a friend about to have twins. We were talking about how hard it would be, etc. She then looks at me and says 'Well, there's a high chance of you getting pregnant with twins with this, isn't there?' I said yes,. it can be as high as 40 - 50% chance. To which she replied (I shit you not) 'Hey, you got yourself into this, I sooo will NOT feel sorry for you, you asked for it!!' OMFG - are you kidding me? I ASKED to be infertile and have to pay a minimum of $14,000 to have a baby and go through this hell? I couldn't believe she said that!!! I cant believe we have to put up with people who are that ignorant! I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it came out... or maybe she did, I'm not too sure how she feels about the whole IVF thing!? Either way, it was such the wrong thing to say.

Anyways, they figure my ER will be about May 1st and my Transfer about 3 - 6 days after that. Still hard to believe we're doing this......... I'm terrified.........:)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________


Oh, through-out this process, I should add that I've started going to acupuncture again - to Harris - oh how i like Harris. He's so easy to talk to or ask questions to - I don't feel like I'm wasting his time, or boring him. I'm going once per week as acupuncture has been shown to greatly increase success rate of IVF - anything to make this work, I'm all over it.