Our honeymoon
Our honeymoon - Kicked Ass. Just had to say!! It was fantastic. Honestly I was starting to think that something bad was going to happen and we wouldn't be able to go - it just didn't feel... real. Well, the night before we leave rolls around and I couldn't be more excited. Making preparations, making sure everything we need is packed and yet, trying to get a few hours sleep as well.
As the plane took off bright and early the next morning, it was finally real, and we couldn't have been any happier if we tried. It was a loooong damn day traveling - we flew out of Victoria at 7AM, and landed in Ft Lauderdale at 11:30PM, their time. What a wonderful thing though - 11:30PM, at the end of February and there we were, standing outside and needing to take off our hoodies and strip down to our t shirts, as it was too hot to wear all that. Looove it.
The next day we boarded the ship in the afternoon and went about exploring, what would be our new home, for the next 2 weeks. Even though we were there, living it, it was hard to believe it was really happening, finally. After all the heartache, tears and fighting with everything we have - to finally have a much needed break and just enjoy.... life.
There were 10 stops along the way:
San Juan, Puerto Rico
Charlotte Amalie, St Thomas
Basseterre, St Kitts
Roseau, Dominica
Bridgetown, Barbados
Castries, St Lucis
St Johns, Antigua
Philipsburg, St Maarten
Road Town, Tortolla
Half Moon Cay, Bahamas
Each and every stop we got off the ship and explored, took pictures, shopped for souvenirs and or went swimming. Mariah loved San Juan, but that's because of the police officers walking around, who happened to be black and very, very muscle-ly and sexy. I have to admit, I agree, a couple of them were definitely worth committing a crime for - just to get them to pat me down hehehe
St Maarten and Half Moon Cay were all of our favorites. St Maarten just because it's sooo nice there. Hot weather, great shopping, friendly people and gorgeous beaches.... I'd move there, in the blink of an eye. Half Moon Cay on the other hand, doesn't really have any shopping, but the beaches....... OH MY GOD, they're incredible. The sand is like icing sugar and the water is that really cool, bright blue color. That was an entire day of doing nothing but laying on the beach and swimming - I could definitely get used to that kind of life.
On the ship, on sea days, they have many different activities to do. We were going to take a 'class' about making martinis, but then thought better of it, as we all thought that martinis are horrible drinks made with nothing but vodka and vermouth. Well, another class rolls around but this time it's called 'How to make our signature cocktails'. We went to that one, and it turned out, it was making martinis again, and soon learned, that martinis kick ass!! They taste like juice - which can be a dangerous thing for sure. We did that class, and then there was a 'graduation class' later in the cruise. Our attire for Graduation Day - our robes and shower caps. Oh what a riot that class was. And for $10 - we all walked out of there with a nice buzz on - even Mom - it was hilarious!
When we got on the ship, I was thinking to myself, 'Wow, we have another 2 weeks on here. That is such a long time'. Then, before we knew it, we were walking around the ship on our last night, not believing how fast the time went.
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Stress??
I didn't realize how stressful our life was, until we were getting ready to board the plane on the way back home. It was like a lead jacket being wrapped around me and I found myself being close to tears, many times. I wasn't ready to go back to 'real life' and go back to work, and again fight our infertility status. Being in the tropics, was wonderful, very NOT stressful and I loved it. Going home - was everything opposite of that. Add on to that, the fact that I was heading back to work, with everyone there knowing all about my very personal, very private, intimate life - and it was a recipe for some serious doubting whether it was all worth going through in the first place. I had to keep reminding myself that yes, it is all worth going through, as long as it helps just one other couple out there. Then all my heartache and going public with something so personal, would definitely be worth it.
First day back
Walking into the office, that first day back, was.... terrifying. I wasn't sure if I could stand tall and walk in like normal, or keep my head down and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I kind of did a combination of both, and got to my desk as quick as I could. A couple people said a quick hello, as I just started my computer and getting ready for my day.
I knew, about 1/2 way through the day, that it was never going to be the same for me, no matter who I talked to. It doesn't matter if it's work, or aquaintences or even friends, they would never look at me the same way. And, really, who could blame them. They all now knew all about my very personal, private life. They know my husband and I are struggling with something that no one talks about, and they're not sure what to say to us.
The first couple people who came to talk to me, I could tell they felt very awkward, that they didn't know what to say and they're rather run away, than stay there and talk to me. All of a sudden, the diagnosis, had a face. And I, knowing they were feeling awkward talking to me, also felt awkward, because I didn't know what to say, to make it better for them.
I thought work from then on out, was going to be hell. I've since realized, that it's the same as it always was - the same, only different. How confusing is that? Sorry, but I can't explain it. If you've never told everyone in your entire office about your periods, your sex life, your sore breasts and your emotional pain, you'll never fully understand. Like I've said before, if it helps one other couple out there, then it'll all be worth it.
The ladies upstairs are all very supportive, and I'm now keeping them in the loop of things that are going on. A few of the women upstairs, have also donated to try to help us, and for that, we're eternally grateful - Thank you ladies. For now, I go to work, do my best to concentrate on my work, and keep some in the loop as things are progressing and yes, praying, each n everyday, that our battle ends soon.
Here's a note I received from a girl at work, Nicole:
That’s awesome Shawna, I am so happy for you I hope it all works out, I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes, you seem like a very strong woman. I envy you in a way, I could never talk about my feelings so openly and honestly,
I have a feeling everything will go exactly the way you want it too, all the pain will be worth it in the end.
Thank you Nicole, it means a lot to know people are supporting us.
Amanda at work has also been good, coming right out and asking me questions. I'd much rather someone do that, than have them wonder what's going on, of wonder if they should even bring the topic up in the first place. Amanda, thanks, leave it to you to just jump right in there and ask the questions.
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No choice, but IVF...
CD 26 - 11DPO - Well, it's official - We're going to have to move onto IVF, yet we can't afford it. That's right, I'm sitting here, writing this through tears of pain and sadness, yet again. Not too long before it moves onto month 28!! 28 depressing months. I knew this morning when I took my temp that it was game over, for yet another month, but I refused to let it make me cry, at least until The Bitch arrived. When I told Dusty this morning that I was 99.9 % sure I was getting my period today or tomorrow, he shook his head, said 'Oh God, I'm soo sorry..' and moved into hug me. I had to stop him though, as I had to get ready for work and had no time for tears. I knew, if I started crying, I just might not stop. 'I can't or I'll cry, I'm sorry' I said, as I walked away to get ready. I know it hurt him to hear me say that to him, but I just couldn't let myself cry then - I know, he understands.
Seriously, I can't believe we actually have to go for IVF - we're now officially going to have to pay at least $10,000 in order to have a baby - and that's on top of the approximately $4 - 5,000 we've already spent. It's just so unfair. It's such a simple thing to do - have unprotected sex and get pregnant - or so I thought, when this all started. Now look at us, almost 28 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache, pain, wasted time and a smaller bank account.
It hurts, it hurts so bad - I can never explain. Each and every months is like having another miscarriage - as we mourn the loss of yet another baby. :(
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