Just4Today Ladies - where would I be without them?

Officially done running

Well, it's official, getting 3 needles in your belly, all around the same time, suck heiny!! Well, only one of them REALLY sucks - the Repronex. The first night it left a huge welt and bruise, pretty much as soon as it came out. Never in my life have I had such a small bruise, hurt so much - I feel like such a whiner.

Right after that shot, I went for a run with Mariah and everything was fine. Well, the next day rolls around, the bruise is still there and still hurts like a bugger, so I think - maybe I should go for a run before my needles today. Well, just as Mariah and I start running, I realize, my running days are now officially over until this whole process is done. The entire time we were running, I had to hold my tummy - the jiggling - made it hurt - BAD.

Then the next batch of needles comes along - knowing what's about to come, only makes it worse. Well, this time seemed better, no bruise and no welt. Well, the next day, today, there's still no bruise, but it is red and hurts just as much as the bruised one. OMG - we're seriously going to run out of spots to inject this stuff soon - my belly isn't that big - it's not like it's going to be awhile before we have to go about the same spot. :) ACK!

I have a feeling, within the next day or 2, the jeans will get tossed out for less stiff material. Jeans hurt to wear as they dig into my sore belly. Even getting up and moving too fast, hurts <-- Phew, I can't believe how much fun this is all turning out to be - who of you are jealous? Come on, don't be shy - I know you all wanna be just like me!? hahaha

Oh well, not much I can do but suck it up and continue squeezing my sperm stress ball and Mariahs hands, while getting my needles - then grin and bear the pain. Yes, that's right, I have a sperm shaped stress ball - it kicks ass!

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Just4Today Ladies - where would I be without them?


Oh how I love my ladies - Just4Today, infertile ladies (yet one is now pregnant - YAY - she paved the way for the rest of us). I had a wee pity party for me to them and here's what they said *Sorry if you all don't care about what my friends have said and you don't want to read about it - if you don't want o read it, that's fine by me. But I will continue to post what they say and talk about them, as without them, I KNOW there would be no way I would have come as far as I have, without them*

Anyways, here's what Kim said:

Wow Shawna, I'm feeling you. I'm not doing it yet, but I am anticipating it and I am terrified too. Absolutely terrified. However, already I've been thinking about it working and I hate myself for thinking that way. Of course it should work, why wouldn't it, but what if.....I am soooo up in arms about it all too. It kind of sucks that everyone knows about it too b/c everyone has these expectations...these beliefs that it will work. Cheer me on, have faith for me, but it is hard for me still. The stupid part about it all, is that I have thoughts of twins rather than just one baby. STUPID< STUPID...setting myself up for something so grande....haven't I learned. This is year number four starting this month....have I learned nothing?? I know, I know...stay positive. Keep my chin up, think and you will achieve. Hmmmmm.....but all I know is failure...all I know is disappointment, keep realistic....or be devastated IF it doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than this to be the time. But I am scared....damn it...I'm getting used to it just being Kris and me and what happens if I don't want it as much as I used to? All these years have spoiled me with him. I used to want one so badly, but I have it in my head that I can't...my defense system started last year of "maybe you don't want one anyways". Then I see someone with a kid or I babysit and the need flows back. Please, please let this work!!

I am scared about the injectables too, sounds like it sucks the nut! I will do it but no promises I won't do it without whining. After all, the whining is part of it....feel bad for me Kris...I do it all for us...for what we will have.

I've already pictured me during the holidays being pregnant. I've imagined telling my students! I've thought about how I will feel in the first while. I can see it....but I've seen it all before...many times.

Pity party...NO Shawna, it is not a pity party for any of us. These are very real emotions and scars that we have developed through this awful journey. It has helped to shape who we are whether we like it or not. We ARE those friends that "can't get pregnant" or "had such a tough time" we all needed a person to tell this story, why not us. I think we are strong women...and freaking brave. I can't think of many other people that could do this and SURVIVE. It has been tough and it is not over, but we will survive and go on to raise children..MARK MY WORDS! Some day, some way....we were meant to be parents and it will happen.

Hold in there Shawna, you can make it these next few weeks. We will all be biting our lips in anticipation for your results. We want it for you too! I'm able to bare it for any of us getting preggers. We need to keep up the support. It is what keeps us strong in this fight. Knowing that there are others going through the same struggles is a bizarre way to feel connected. Misery loves company....in our case misery brings comfort.

P.S. - I am in one of those weird moods.
P.S.S - Kris and I got approved for our loan today...we are a go.

Talk soon,
Kimmy

And, the oh mighty pregnant one:

Okay Shawna and Kim,

I just finished reading both of your posts and I am in tears. I am so sorry both of you have to go through this. It sucks that you have to do so much more than the next person to get the one thing that shouldn't be this painful to get. I want so much for you all to be pregnant....I know you will be pregnant soon.

Shawna, keep being brave. You will get through this, have success, a beautiful baby or babies and be the best mother because of it. I wish you didn't have to take all of these shots...I know it is crappy. I feel bad because I have not had to go through nearly as much as all of you.

Kim, you are 110% percent right about you guys being strong women and brave. I admire you all so much, and honestly believe that if I hadn't met you all I would never have been successful in this journey. Talking to all of you has been a real source of comfort because we understand the pain involved with all of this.

In the next few weeks, both of you are going to be going through a life changing process ( I know that sounds stupid because this whole journey has been life changing). Hold on to your positive thoughts, love your husbands, find things to laugh about, and keep talking. I don't care how much whining you think you are doing....you're not! I am here to listen and support you just like you all have been for me. Any time you want to vent, like Nike "just do it!". You need to let these emotions out.

Kim, I don't mean to put pressure on you when I keep saying I have a feeling both yours and Shawna's IVF attempts will work. I just want you to know that I am here to support you no matter what the outcome.

Lots of love, big hugs and baby dust to everyone.

Natalie xoxoxo

Soooo nice to be able to talk to people who truly understand, who have, or are currently, going through the same things. Don't get me wrong, it's still nice to chat with my other friends and family, however, they're never truly understand, and there's no way they could. I'm not punishing them for not knowing and I don't expect them to know... I'm just saying how nice it is to ... like Kim said 'Misery loves company'?! hehehe

PS - The needles still suck and I've now turned into a crying baby every time I get them. Like I said before, it's a combo of the frustrations and the meds that are making me more emotional, so it doesn't take much to make me cry. And my poor belly... oh so sore...Dusty is so cute, last night, I was crying when he was giving me the needles, and after he hugged me and said how proud of me he was, how strong I was being and he was so sorry for me having to go through all this. And each and every night, when he's done giving me the shots, he kisses my belly once for each shot he gave me.

Last night and tonite, I cried before even getting the needles, just seeing the 3 needles lined up on the counter.... nough said. I'll try my best to not cry every night, but no guarantees. hehe

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Scared...

I have 3 emotions going on now – sad, excited and scared. No, wait, let's put them in order now: SCARED, excited and sad. Hehehe Scared cuz, well, going through all this, with no guarantees, isn’t easy – we’re praying for the best! Excited, cuz in just a couple weeks, we could find out I’m pregnant!!! And, last, but certainly not least, sad – cuz we even have to go through all this in the first place. It’s a combo of the meds and just the experience, but they’ve made me super emotional – I’ve cried a few times in the past couple weeks – getting more frequent lately. I cried and cried last night as Dusty was giving me my shots – just from the sheer frustration of it all and all my body is going through. I waver between positive and negative thoughts… trying my best to keep them positive! It’s tough tho, trying to stay positive, but, also trying to brace for the worst – it’s a fine, fine line to walk, and sometimes, I’m terrified of falling off.