A hearty congrats to one of 'My Girls'

A hearty congrats to one of 'My Girls'

Remember me talking about 'My Girls'? Our infertility group? Well, one of us, I won't mention names yet, just went through an IUI while I was away on my trip. Well, a hearty congrats to her, as she's now pregnant - after 2 1/2 years of trying. This was the 1st time I heard of another woman being pregnant, that I didn't cry, after hearing the news. It hurt, I'm not going to lie - no matter who you are, it's going to hurt me to hear about you being pregnant, it comes with the territory. BUT, since she too fought infertility, I couldn't be happier for her if I tried. She's fought the battle and come out, a success, It gives the rest of us, still fighting, hope.

The same night I found out about her, I also found out, through Facebook, that Katy was expecting a boy. <-- That hurt, I'm not going to lie. I had been home for about a week already, sitting in front of her day after day, and she felt the need to hide the fact that she's carrying a boy, from me? Come on, I know I need to be protected from some of this, but really, I knew you were going to have a girl.. or a boy.. neither would have come as a surprise. Now, had she been pregnant with twins, I might have had some ..... crying episodes about that.... but not just by finding out the sex.

Anyways, I emailed Katy and told her how it made me feel. I totally understand that she wanted to protect me, and it sucks I even have to be protected in the 1st place - but she now knows, just keep me in the loop. It's much better than me finding out something, accidentally.

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Bre, how I love thee


YAY - last day of BCP's last night *party dance, party dance*. Man those thing were horrible. Just had to add that! :)

Also, since Dusty and I are doing the 'deal' that Dr H has going on, it also includes an Introduction to Reproductive Wellness through LIFEstreams. YAY, more stuff to help better the odds, count me in. BUT, the only thing I don't like about it, is that my acupuncturist, is not the one they use. Now, I have to start with a completely new acupuncturist and start everything all over again. I liked Harris and am bummed that I have to start with someone new. It just doesn't make sense to keep going to Harris, and paying $75.00 a session, when I'll already be going to acupuncture twice a week, at no additional charge. Sorry Harris - I'll miss you. :)

Oh, I sent a message to Bre the other night, letting her know where we are in the cycle, what's going on, what's planned, etc. Well, leave it to Bre to send me an email back that brought me to tears:

Hi lady!

Yikes! Sounds like you're going through a hell of a lot more than I ever imagined!!! All in the name of love, which is amazing, and probably the only thing that is giving you this strength to do all these scary things! But, at least you know these docs are getting pretty good at these procedures these days and I'm sure you are in good hands. I can't believe how much you can endure, and at the same time, if anyone could do this, it is you. You are my she-ra!

I have a hard time imagining you in pain...in fact, I can't do it! I'll start to cry just thinking about you being so brave and putting your body through this! I'd be too scared to do almost everything you told me so far. That being said, I'm really glad you're doing this because it really just proves how much you two love each other, and it shows through the sacrifices you are willing to take....it really is amazing...I hope to have that kind of love one day. You will be a story I tell of unconditional, unwavering love to prove it does exist outside of the movies.

Keep being brave woman and hold your head high....I know you can do this....I love you and you have the strength to endure this all. SHE-RA!

Isn't she just the sweetest thing, EVER!? Oh how I love you Bre!! <3

We have our first suppression check this coming Saturday at the fertility clinic. Just to make sure everything is all suppressed n shit hehehe As long as everything is good and there are no left over follicles or anything, we'll be getting the green light to go ahead with the other meds (the 'stimming' phase). It's about an average of 9 - 12 days of stimming, then triggering and ER. Wow, getting so close now.

I'm mixed between disbelief that it's already been 3 weeks into the process, and anxious because it seems like it's taking forever. I have approximately 4 weeks left and we'll know, one way or the other if this IVF has worked and has made our dreams come true. One month, isn't that long away, yet, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I try to think positively, but at the same time, remain neutral and prepared for a negative result. It's not an easy balance, by any stretch of the imagination. We're told to stay positive, think positive thoughts - It WILL happen' but then, we're scared to think positive, as it might make it harder, should the process fail. Where is the happy medium!? If someone could let me know, that would be fabulous. :)

PS - The Suprefact injections - kinda suck. The don't really hurt going in, but sometimes they hurt when the medication is going in, and I now also have a couple small cruises on my stomach from them. Now imagine when I get to add 2 more shots, in my belly, at the same time, every night, to the mix - oh the fun that is had by all!!? <-- Can you hear the sarcasm? :)

3 sleeps and we'll find out if we're good to go....... and counting



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And one more person I'd like to thank, Sarrah. Sarrah has been great since she's learned of our battle. She donated money and when I sent her an email to keep her in the loop, I told her to feel free and ask anything she wants - afterall, there wasn't much left for me to hide hehe And, she did. She wanted to know all about IVF and what we were going through. She's our 'Team Lead' at work, and my 'go to' girl when I need time off, etc. She's been super supportive and has no problems with me coming in late, leaving early or taking a few days off, if needed. HUGS to you Sarrah - It helps more than you know!

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The day has come for the ultrasound and blood test, to make sure I'm all suppressed and ready to go with the other shots. Well, turns out, I have a small cyst. It was already 'popped' and on it's way to disappearing when Dr H saw it, but it was still a bummer to hear I had one. I now have to wait until Monday and go for a blood test first thing in the morning, and pray it's gone, as I can't start the other meds, until it's gone. Least it's, hopefully, only one more day - I can live with that. Though if it turns out to be longer, I WILL cry. The entire situation scares the be-geezus out of me, but, I want to get it all going, get a move on, let's get this party started, as they say. Come on Monday... and come on cyst, you're not welcome here - GO AWAY!

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Vampira - just my luck

OMFG I had a total Vampira this morning for my blood test. Wow, I've never had a blood test hurt so much, she damn near made me cry. Even Dusty commented on how rough she did it. When I have to go for another blood test, which I have to on Friday, if she's working again, I'm going to cry and run the other way!

I finally heard back from the clinic - everything is good, we were given the green light to start the other meds tonite - YAY - scary, but YAY! :)

After I got the news from the clinic, I had my first appointment with my new acupuncturist. I had a bad headache, and was a little sad I was switching acupuncturists and having to start all over again. Add on to that the fact that I had to fill out the same forms I've filled out a few times now, AND I had to sit around and wait for 1/2 an hour for my appt, and needless to say, I wanted no part of being there. Though once I met Rachelle, it went better. She was super nice and I was pretty comfortable right away with her, so that's good.

Next appointment with her is Thursday, 3 days from today and then I have an appointment with Jennifer V, for 'Therapeutic Support'. Basically to make sure I'm not going insane and to make sure I'm somewhat stable - little does she know - I AM going insane, and am far from stable - It'll be most entertaining for her I'm sure. :)

Alright, and then it came time for our big night, the first night of 'stimming', which means, the first night of starting the drugs, that will now make my body produce many eggs - unlike the one egg per month most women produce. All in all, I'd say it took about 1/2 an hour from start to finish. First we had to take the Puregon out of the fridge for about 20 minutes first, so then it'll sting less. And we also have to mix the Repronex and get that ready.

It was sad for me, seeing all 3 needles lined up on the counter, knowing they were all going to be injected into me, all in the hopes of getting pregnant. I try not not think about it, and not let it get me down, but, it's hard. With being on the meds I am, I'm already more sensitive/emotional, so sometimes it's hard not to think about how UNfair this entire thing is. The crackhead down the street has sex and pops out babies like their pellets. Us, on the other hand, a very loving, caring couple who would love nothing more than to have a child together, have to go through this hell, with no guarantees in the end - it might work, it might not. Where is the fairness in that?

I had sent an email to Christina telling her about the SHG and the endometrial biopsy and here's what she said back:

OMG that is just horrible. I can't believe that you have to go through soooo much pain. I really was crying with you and for you when I read the account of what they did to you. Jesus, you would figure that they could knock you out for the procedure. My poor girl, that is so horrible and I feel really really sorry for you and Dusty having to go through everything - the emotional roller coaster and now the physical pain in addition to everything else. It's almost like adding insult to injury. I am soooo sorry and I am sending you tons and tons of hugs and a few cuddles to hopefully make you feel better or maybe grin and bear the pain just a little easier. You know that you are soooo strong and brave for going through this. I am sure that a lot of people would say at this point "Forget it, I am not doing THAT". You are an amazing woman and you will make an amazing mom - again. You deserve it and it will happen! Darn it, my fingers and toes are about to fall off from all the keeping crossed and it better darn well happen with this first try. After all it's not your first procedure - you guys have done sooo much already. And yes, you are right that it is not fair at all. Don't ask me why God punishes good people with infertility, yet some dumb asses can pop out kids one after another just to neglect them or have them taken away by the Ministry. That just doesn't add up in my books. I really don't know how someone can be so cruel. Since I believe that S/He has to have a heart, I also have to believe that it's going to work for you guys. So keep your chin up and stay positive as much as possible - even though it's incredibly difficult. You are on the road to trying to make this happen. Now just hang in there for the ride and lets hope that in May we have good news and a whole new journey will start for all of you.

Thinking of you and sending you a megaton of hugs.
Christina

She's so sweet!

Also, I sent an email to one of my girls, one of my pregnant, Infertile Girls. I asked her questions like: Before she got pregnant, could she ever picture a positive pregnancy test? And, did she feel like her procedure wasn't going to work, etc. Well, here's what she said, and she has made me feel so much better, as now I know she has had the same feelings, and yet she is now pregnant - and loving every minute of it.

Hey You!

Sorry to take so long to respond...I don't check this email frequently enough...but I will start! When I went for the IUI I definitely did not think it was going to work...I've always thought going through the whole infertility journey that I was being punished from God for doing things Ii shouldn't have. I also have always had a deep feeling that I wouldn't get pregnant.......when I went into the IUI I went in thinking "I don't care if I don't get pregnant because chances are this is not going to work anyways".....really I did care but I knew I couldn't get my hopes up because I would be devastated if it didn't work. I talked with God before it happened and asked him to let it happen for me just to let me know I could have kids...I promised I would be a better person and give the baby a good life. Obviously he listened.....

You just have to get to the point that you know you will be okay if it doesn't work (kind of trick your mind into thinking that there is always another shot at it happening)...it's hard to explain.....I almost didn't go in for the IUI because I was so sure it wouldn't work. The nurse said something really calming to me before the procedure was done and I think it had a big effect on its success as well, She pulled George and I aside and said "You know the chances of this working on the first try are slim, right?" we both answered "Yes" and then she said "I want you to look at it this way when you go into the room, even if this one doesn't take than at least you are one step closer to having a chance at it being successful" I thought about that a lot when I was in the waiting room waiting to be called in and it actually helped me....going through the IUI was going to be one more big step in our journey whether it was successful or not...it gave me an open mind to just let things happen how they were supposed to. When I was lying on the table and the procedure was being done, George was holding my hand and I felt really calm and peaceful for the first time in the whole journey of trying to get pregnant.


I know you going through IVF is significantly more expensive than an IUI, but both you and Dusty need to look at this as bringing you one step close to the success that you want. Have Dusty in there with you at the time of the procedure and hold hands....its a really neat feeling to have that connection with your partner when you are on the verge of having your life change for better or worse. Stay calm and visualize the baby .....I did this when it was happening and it helped.

You are going to be successful, I just know it. Take things slowly and always know that no matter what you go through its bringing you one step closer to meeting your little miracle. You are not crazy...I have thought everything you have at one point or another.

Even being pregnant now, I think everyday that the baby might be taken away because of things I have done incorrectly in life. The baby is God's, not mine or George's for the moment and he has the end say in everything. We just try to take it one day at a time as a gift and stay positive...it's all we can do.

I never was able to picture a positive pregnancy test and when I saw one I cried immediately, I was stunned and unable to know how to react. Even now, I sometimes don't believe I am pregnant and that I will get a call saying they made a big mistake. It's your minds way of protecting you from a complete break down....because the more you detach yourself the less it will hurt in the end if things do not work out.

I'm always here to talk to if you need it.....you won't go through this alone, I promise! You are a wonderful mother already and the baby that will arrive shortly will be lucky to have you as its parent.

Big hugs and smoochies,

I needed to hear all that - as it was scaring me that I was having those thoughts - now I know, they come with the fight, sad, but true.