1 day away from officially going public. Wow, now that it's happening tomorrow, I find myself feeling... stressed, nervous, anxious yet slightly excited. I can't believe that it's actually going to happen - that people I don't even know and all of those that I do know, are about to know everything about my VERY personal, private life. I've been consumed by a flood of emotions today, and not sure what to do with myself. I'm angry that we even have to do all this, but excited in the fact that we might even be able to help others in the process.
I think what worries me the most, right now, is going back to work after our trip. Once I walk through the doors on that first day back, I have to face the fact that everyone there will know - everything. Our pain, our frustrations, the highs, the lows, our intimate thoughts and feelings and yet, most of them hardly know me. And top that off with the fact that Katy will be telling them all about her pregnancy, I'm actually terrified to go back to work. Will people treat me any different? Will they look at me with sympathy or even look at me with ... disdain for even going public with my private life? And with Katy being pregnant, will they be talking to her all the time about her baby - in front of me? That, I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Will I just get up and walk away/go home? Will I stay seated at my desk and just cry? I'm scared, I really am.
This whole thing isn't fair to Katy either, she should be able to yell it from the rooftops and have anyone who wants to, talk to her about her and her baby. But like I've said before, this battle doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant women, other pregnancy announcements or just daily life in general. 9 days of out 10, it's all I can do just to go to work in the first place - facing our infertility each and every morning by just seeing Katy. And for that, I apologize to Katy but yet thank her for being so understanding.
I sent our 'blog' to Christina today, to check it out and see what she thinks. She loves it - YAY! Also, when I got home, I had an email, stating that we have received our first donation - from Christina! I couldn't believe it, after everything she's done for us, and she goes and does this!? Christina - thank you, thank you, a million times, we thank you. But no, we will NOT name our first child together, Christina! hehehe
Also, on our 1 day away from going public, yes, The Bitch arrived - poetic, no!? Ahhh, what can we do!? Christina told me to not let it get me down, to not let it ruin our trip - and this is what I replied back:
'Kinda hard not to let myself get bummed – on Sunday – it’s officially 27 months!! IT SUCKS!!! All my family and friends I’m sure have given up on us conceiving on our own, but we haven’t – we pray each n every month that this is our lucky month – it’s no different than it was before we got told our odds. I guess that’s hard for other people to understand – I know everyone has given up and is just waiting on IVF – but we haven’t and never will. We’ll be picking up a prescription for Clomid for our honeymoon – a last ditch effort before, hopefully, moving on to IVF!? But, we will continue to hope n pray each month – whether it be au natural or Clomid or IVF – we will never give up hope. I think it’s hard, if not impossible, for someone who’s never been through this, to see how we can even hope to get pregnant, after this long of trying. But really, it’s no different than it was 6 months or even a year ago – it still hurts just as much when it doesn’t happen and we still pray just as hard.'
Well, I'm off - my last journal entry before going public tomorrow - wish us luck, we could use it. And please, keep checking back or click the 'Follow this blog' button at the end, as we'll keep adding entries and keeping everyone posted on our journey, from here on out.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
An apology to my Mom:
Mom, I’d like to take a minute and apologize for not being there for you when Gramma died. I didn’t know how to deal with it myself, and so I just pretended that everything was fine and didn’t talk about it. For that, I’m sorry. Going through what I am now, I can see it was the worst thing to do. To ignore the fact that you were hurting and probably needed someone to talk to, to ask you how you were doing, and I was no where around for you. I never asked you how you were doing, or if you wanted to talk or even just gave you a hug. I knew if I did any of the above, it would have made me break down and cry as well, and I didn’t want to make you feel worse or bring it up if you didn’t want to talk about it. I should have thought about you, and not worried that it was going to make me cry again – and for that, I’m truly sorry. I can’t take any of it back or rewind the time, but I hope you know how I feel and that I am really sorry for not being there for you. I LOVE YOU!!
See – that’s another thing about fighting this and going through a crisis, it has a way of bringing out your more compassionate side. I know now how much it hurts when people ignore me and don’t ask how I’m doing, or if there’s anything they can do for me – or just plain giving me a hug. A person doesn’t have to say much, a simple, ‘I’m sorry’ and a hug will do. With that, we know you‘re thinking about us, you’re recognizing that we are going through a tough time in our lives and that you’re there for us. What more could we ask for?
An explanation of our cruise
One more quick note. Some of you are probably wondering how we have the nerve to ask for money, when we're about to go on a cruise, right? Well, what you don't know, is that my parents are pretty much paying for the entire thing. Yes, we received money for our wedding, that we called our 'honeymoon fund', but we had to use that money for the fertility treatments we've already gone through.
My parents knew how much we were looking forward to going on our honeymoon, and knew even more, that we needed a break. This past year has been very stressful for us, and if we're about to go through rounds of IVF, they decided that we needed the holiday – a stress relief. And for that, we'll never be able to thank them enough.
See – that’s another thing about fighting this and going through a crisis, it has a way of bringing out your more compassionate side. I know now how much it hurts when people ignore me and don’t ask how I’m doing, or if there’s anything they can do for me – or just plain giving me a hug. A person doesn’t have to say much, a simple, ‘I’m sorry’ and a hug will do. With that, we know you‘re thinking about us, you’re recognizing that we are going through a tough time in our lives and that you’re there for us. What more could we ask for?
An explanation of our cruise
One more quick note. Some of you are probably wondering how we have the nerve to ask for money, when we're about to go on a cruise, right? Well, what you don't know, is that my parents are pretty much paying for the entire thing. Yes, we received money for our wedding, that we called our 'honeymoon fund', but we had to use that money for the fertility treatments we've already gone through.
My parents knew how much we were looking forward to going on our honeymoon, and knew even more, that we needed a break. This past year has been very stressful for us, and if we're about to go through rounds of IVF, they decided that we needed the holiday – a stress relief. And for that, we'll never be able to thank them enough.
We get mad and beg…why.
We pray.. and we pray – We hope… and we hope. We cry, We laugh, We dream, We mourn, We fight, We love……………………………… and We get mad and beg…why.
As you can see by the above, we’re now 4 short days away from moving into month 26 of trying. 26!! Wow, it’s been a long time we’ve been fighting this infertility shit and sometimes I wonder how we’ve even made it this far. There have been more times than I could possibly count, times that I wanted to just give up, throw in the proverbial white towel, and say ‘I’m done – you win – whoever you are, you win - I can’t take this anymore…’ The pain and heartache is unbelievable, and it does take it’s toll.
Maybe someone out there, reading this right now is thinking to themselves ‘Hmmm, 26 months – could she be more precise? Why is she counting the months?’ Well, let me tell you, 26 months is nothing - when you’ve been fighting this for as long as we have - you could almost recite the days or hours it’s been as well. It consumes you, there’s no way to ‘put it aside and think about something else for a change’. Let’s take a look at that now:
CD 1 – 6 = Have a daily/hourly reminder of your infertility, with the period you’re experiencing
CD 6 – 15 = You have nothing but thoughts about when you will be ovulating and hoping you catch the elusive egg this month
CD 15 – 27 = You’re in the dreaded 2 week wait – looking for symptoms, praying with everything you have that this will be your month. You’re Dr has told you to pretend you’re pregnant, until you know otherwise, so how would you not be thinking about it for this 2 weeks!?
I’d love to see anyone go through that, and not think about it daily and or have it consume your life.
Yesterday fertility friend said ‘You’re past your usual luteal phase length, you may take a test, you may be pregnant’. It wasn’t fooling me however – my temps had slowly been dropping for the past few days, and I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would show her face. I knew it was coming – though we all remain hopeful, right up until the last minute. I was even thinking that maybe this month I wouldn’t cry, I’d be fine, after all, things are starting to happen and with IVF possibly in our future, it’ll happen, eventually, right?
When I get my period, I don’t usually cry right away, but I do get angry – at the world, at God, angry at the unfairness of it all. Like last night, I got my period, told Dusty, then went downstairs and worked out – punishing my body for betraying me, yet again. The 'angry' doesn’t last too long though, it’s just a mechanism I use when I don’t have the time in that moment, to cry.
After I had my bath and was about to go to bed, I lost it. I reached out to my husband and held on, as the tears started coming. We climbed into bed and Dusty held me as the pain tears through my body, as it has, every month for the past 2 years. I ask him questions such as: ‘What if we aren’t meant to have babies together?’ … ‘What if it never happens?’ … ‘Why does it have to hurt so much?’
We laid there, with me crying and Dusty holding me, for a good hour. We talked about how much this entire situation sucks, how frustrating it is that not may people understand the pain. We know full well that those who have not experienced it, will never understand it, but sometimes, it also feels like they don’t want to understand it. Friends and family both, have officially started avoiding the topic entirely, pretending that everything is fine – or perhaps dreading talking about it, again. To an infertile, that’s the worst thing you can do. We’re going through one of the worst things any couple can go through, a serious crisis. We could personally talk about it day in and day out - talking helps us deal with the emotions we're experiencing and the feelings of isolation. Do they feel like they’ve heard enough about it? Do they think we’re whining and should just relax? If we were going through a different crisis, let’s say a death in the family – would they avoid the subject? Pretend like nothing happened? Think we’re whining when we bring it up? How about cancer? Would they get sick of hearing about it? To us, it’s all the same, a crisis is a crisis, no matter of the ‘title’ of it.
Thank God for our infertile friends, as bad as that sounds. Shannon, Natalie and Kim - they're my shoulders to cry on, my ears to vent to and my friends who completely understand what we're going through. A quote from Natalie, which I couldn't have said better if I tried:
'It's kinda funny how life works...you seem to meet the best people in the roughest times. Having met you all now, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything........(except maybe an exact date of when my children are going to finally arrive!) I have such a tremendous amount of respect for each and every one of you ladies!!!'
I think it's going to be really interesting when we do get up and running and ‘go public’ with this whole thing. I’m sure there will be many, many people standing beside us as we go through it, but there will be some, who will think that there are better causes out there, that we’re pathetic and begging for money. Will those comments hurt? Sure they will! But will they stop us from continuing to go public and inform people? No, they won’t. We’re in this until the bitter end, there is no stopping us. We’re fighting for those out there, who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.
I have to say, I have the best husband in the world, hands down – sorry ladies, he does have a brother though, if you're interested(Advertising for brother Amos hehe). When I get my period, he knows the range of emotions I go through and knows when to stay back and when to reach out and catch me before I fall. He knew last night, when I announced that I got my period, that I was angry about it and didn’t want to talk. But, he also knew that before bed, it was time to step in a catch me.
He says things that just break my heart, like: ‘I’m sorry, I feel like I’m letting you down’ …or: ‘I wish I could do something to take your pain away’. I know this is hurting him, just as much as it’s hurting me, and that sucks. I’d be more than willing to be the one to take the pain – after all, we’re women, we’re stronger, right? He doesn’t need to hurt or feel sorry for what’s happening to us – I experience enough pain for the both of us – as long as he’s there to hold me when I need him, I’ll take the pain. If only things were that easy. As I know, with 100% certainty, that he would do the same for me – take all the pain so I don’t have to go through it each and every month.
I know we’re soul mates, and each time I look into his eyes, I see our unborn children and pray for the day I can finally give them to him.
Quote
Quote of the Day
"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
She’s so cute!
I sent my Mom the last part of my journal and here’s what she had to say:
Thank you for sharing your diary with me dear - I am so sad that I can't fix things for my kids. I want you all to be happy and fulfilled!
I am always willing to talk to you if you need to share - anytime. You can always give me a quick call at work and I can phone you back later, if that works better for the timing.
I still have a firm belief that it will happen for you two - I visualize you pregnant, what you will name the baby, whether it will be a girl or a boy etc. It just feels so right, for want of a better word. I will keep believing and wishing and hoping and praying and threatening and whatever it takes until it does happen. Be well, be strong, stand side-by-side always and Believe!
She’s so cute!
Closer to going public
Well, it's getting closer and closer to 'going public' with this battle. As it gets closer, I find myself getting... anxious... nervous, yet excited. I know we're going to get some rude comments from ignorant people, but, we also have a lot of people standing beside us and ready to help in any way they can.
I'm excited because it'll finally be out in the open, no more hiding, no more pretending that we're OK at all times. I also realized the other night, just how passionate I am about Infertility and everything that goes along with it. I had a client ask 'So, what about this baby stuff for you guys, it's just not going to work, are you going to give up now?'. I know she didn't say it to be mean, but my oh my, I sure took it as being mean and rude. See, that's what I've been talking about all along, people saying things that aren't meant to be mean, but, because they don't know any better, they really are mean things to say.
Since it's so close to going public, I told her about it. I told her we're tired of being quiet and fighting it alone. I told her that we want to get the word out there about this, to help others fighting it, know that there is help out there and there are people they can at least talk to and who understand what they're going through. I could see in her eyes that she just didn't really understand. I went on to say how hard it's been, how out of the last 2 years, I've had to pretend that I was pregnant, for one year of that (with our Drs telling us to 'pretend we are until we know differently') Again, it wasn't 'hitting home' so I said 'OK, imagine your kids.... imagine you didn't have them and that you never knew that love.... That's what 'We' deal with on a daily basis..' To which she replied 'Wow...' and changed the subject. I'm not sure if she understands, but I now know...how much I'm willing to fight for this. I guess when Infertility hasn't touched you personally, you will never really get it, or may not even care to 'get it', for that matter. That's the issue I'm going to have with this entire thing - dealing with the frustrations of people not getting it, not even pretending to. It's just hard, I'm in the middle of it, fighting it with all I have, so it's hard for me to contemplate people who don't understand. Time to learn a little patience or maybe at least get a punching bag to beat on after dealing with it!? hehe
I've sent this journal to a friend of mine, Chelsey. I mentioned her in the beginning, the one who went off the pill and got pregnant the same month - with twins!? We've kinda lost contact a bit since she moved to Chilliwack, and I thought it was about time to get back in touch with her - I miss her. She finally started reading my journal (where she finds the time with 2 year old twins, I don't know!?) and she sent me a message the other night - this is what it said: 'I'm on page 27 and my heart aches for you.' Ah Chels, how I miss thee.. :)
It's amazing, when most people just hear about us having issues getting pregnant, they offer useless/hurtful advice and think of it as no big deal. I remember telling someone that we were having issues and she replied to me 'Don't worry, it took my Mom 3 years (??) to get pregnant with me...' <-- I'm sorry, but was that meant to make me feel better!? You'd be amazed at how many people have said something to that effect when they hear about us having troubles. We infertiles should write up a list of things non infertiles can say to us when they find out.... things like:
~ I'm sorry you're having such problems, is there anything I can do? or...
~ Do you want to talk about it? or...
~ I want to hear all about it....
Ah. maybe one day... :)
You know, I HATE what Infertility has done to me!!
~ It's robbed me of feeling joy for other peoples pregnancies
~ I now have a loss of control over how I get pregnant
~ It makes me cry at random times - just comes out of the blue
~ I'm angry that I'm going to have to pay A LOT of money in order to, hopefully, get pregnant
~ I get very frustrated with people who don't understand, no matter how I try to explain it
~ I'm angry that it consumes my life
~ I'm angry that very loving couples who are desperate to have children, have to fight so hard and might still end up without
~ I'm angry that I have to take medication in hopes of getting pregnant
So much crap we have to go through, for such a simple miracle. That's what it is, a simple miracle. Look around you, talk to other people, women get pregnant each n every day, easily and even when they want to. It's not a hard thing to do - it happens to millions of women everyday - and yet here we are - 26 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache and tears. I'm not asking to win the lottery, I'm not asking for a perfect life, I'm not asking for my boobs to grow 2 sizes over night (though that would be nice hehe) - I'm only asking for something, that so many others have and yet take for granted.
PS - On a side note, I'm really nervous about my friend, Christina. She sent me a very cryptic message today, saying they got some 'not so good news about the babies' - and it's killing me not knowing. She had another ultrasound to go to today, to hopefully get 'diagnosed' (whatever that means) and she said she'd let me know what happens from that. Well, it's 9PM now, and I haven't heard a word from her.......... I'm thinking nothing but happy thoughts for her and their babies - I hope nothing is wrong and whatever it is they thought it was, was a big mistake. *crossing fingers*
Octuplets
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!?
Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly cuz I feel my blood pressure raising, but, I might type more later, after watching more of the interview.
This woman is giving IVF a bad name. Some people already have issues with the entire IVF debate, thinking that you 'shouldn't mess with nature'. Now this, is only making it harder for those of us who actually need it in order to have children of our own. Very loving, hard working couples, who would do anything if only to be given a chance to have a baby. It's so frustrating, and I just hope others don't think that that is what IVF is all about - selfish-ness.
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!? Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly because I feel my blood pressure raising.
As you can see by the above, we’re now 4 short days away from moving into month 26 of trying. 26!! Wow, it’s been a long time we’ve been fighting this infertility shit and sometimes I wonder how we’ve even made it this far. There have been more times than I could possibly count, times that I wanted to just give up, throw in the proverbial white towel, and say ‘I’m done – you win – whoever you are, you win - I can’t take this anymore…’ The pain and heartache is unbelievable, and it does take it’s toll.
Maybe someone out there, reading this right now is thinking to themselves ‘Hmmm, 26 months – could she be more precise? Why is she counting the months?’ Well, let me tell you, 26 months is nothing - when you’ve been fighting this for as long as we have - you could almost recite the days or hours it’s been as well. It consumes you, there’s no way to ‘put it aside and think about something else for a change’. Let’s take a look at that now:
CD 1 – 6 = Have a daily/hourly reminder of your infertility, with the period you’re experiencing
CD 6 – 15 = You have nothing but thoughts about when you will be ovulating and hoping you catch the elusive egg this month
CD 15 – 27 = You’re in the dreaded 2 week wait – looking for symptoms, praying with everything you have that this will be your month. You’re Dr has told you to pretend you’re pregnant, until you know otherwise, so how would you not be thinking about it for this 2 weeks!?
I’d love to see anyone go through that, and not think about it daily and or have it consume your life.
Yesterday fertility friend said ‘You’re past your usual luteal phase length, you may take a test, you may be pregnant’. It wasn’t fooling me however – my temps had slowly been dropping for the past few days, and I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would show her face. I knew it was coming – though we all remain hopeful, right up until the last minute. I was even thinking that maybe this month I wouldn’t cry, I’d be fine, after all, things are starting to happen and with IVF possibly in our future, it’ll happen, eventually, right?
When I get my period, I don’t usually cry right away, but I do get angry – at the world, at God, angry at the unfairness of it all. Like last night, I got my period, told Dusty, then went downstairs and worked out – punishing my body for betraying me, yet again. The 'angry' doesn’t last too long though, it’s just a mechanism I use when I don’t have the time in that moment, to cry.
After I had my bath and was about to go to bed, I lost it. I reached out to my husband and held on, as the tears started coming. We climbed into bed and Dusty held me as the pain tears through my body, as it has, every month for the past 2 years. I ask him questions such as: ‘What if we aren’t meant to have babies together?’ … ‘What if it never happens?’ … ‘Why does it have to hurt so much?’
We laid there, with me crying and Dusty holding me, for a good hour. We talked about how much this entire situation sucks, how frustrating it is that not may people understand the pain. We know full well that those who have not experienced it, will never understand it, but sometimes, it also feels like they don’t want to understand it. Friends and family both, have officially started avoiding the topic entirely, pretending that everything is fine – or perhaps dreading talking about it, again. To an infertile, that’s the worst thing you can do. We’re going through one of the worst things any couple can go through, a serious crisis. We could personally talk about it day in and day out - talking helps us deal with the emotions we're experiencing and the feelings of isolation. Do they feel like they’ve heard enough about it? Do they think we’re whining and should just relax? If we were going through a different crisis, let’s say a death in the family – would they avoid the subject? Pretend like nothing happened? Think we’re whining when we bring it up? How about cancer? Would they get sick of hearing about it? To us, it’s all the same, a crisis is a crisis, no matter of the ‘title’ of it.
Thank God for our infertile friends, as bad as that sounds. Shannon, Natalie and Kim - they're my shoulders to cry on, my ears to vent to and my friends who completely understand what we're going through. A quote from Natalie, which I couldn't have said better if I tried:
'It's kinda funny how life works...you seem to meet the best people in the roughest times. Having met you all now, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything........(except maybe an exact date of when my children are going to finally arrive!) I have such a tremendous amount of respect for each and every one of you ladies!!!'
I think it's going to be really interesting when we do get up and running and ‘go public’ with this whole thing. I’m sure there will be many, many people standing beside us as we go through it, but there will be some, who will think that there are better causes out there, that we’re pathetic and begging for money. Will those comments hurt? Sure they will! But will they stop us from continuing to go public and inform people? No, they won’t. We’re in this until the bitter end, there is no stopping us. We’re fighting for those out there, who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.
I have to say, I have the best husband in the world, hands down – sorry ladies, he does have a brother though, if you're interested(Advertising for brother Amos hehe). When I get my period, he knows the range of emotions I go through and knows when to stay back and when to reach out and catch me before I fall. He knew last night, when I announced that I got my period, that I was angry about it and didn’t want to talk. But, he also knew that before bed, it was time to step in a catch me.
He says things that just break my heart, like: ‘I’m sorry, I feel like I’m letting you down’ …or: ‘I wish I could do something to take your pain away’. I know this is hurting him, just as much as it’s hurting me, and that sucks. I’d be more than willing to be the one to take the pain – after all, we’re women, we’re stronger, right? He doesn’t need to hurt or feel sorry for what’s happening to us – I experience enough pain for the both of us – as long as he’s there to hold me when I need him, I’ll take the pain. If only things were that easy. As I know, with 100% certainty, that he would do the same for me – take all the pain so I don’t have to go through it each and every month.
I know we’re soul mates, and each time I look into his eyes, I see our unborn children and pray for the day I can finally give them to him.
Quote
Quote of the Day
"Hope is not a dream, but a way of making dreams become reality."
She’s so cute!
I sent my Mom the last part of my journal and here’s what she had to say:
Thank you for sharing your diary with me dear - I am so sad that I can't fix things for my kids. I want you all to be happy and fulfilled!
I am always willing to talk to you if you need to share - anytime. You can always give me a quick call at work and I can phone you back later, if that works better for the timing.
I still have a firm belief that it will happen for you two - I visualize you pregnant, what you will name the baby, whether it will be a girl or a boy etc. It just feels so right, for want of a better word. I will keep believing and wishing and hoping and praying and threatening and whatever it takes until it does happen. Be well, be strong, stand side-by-side always and Believe!
She’s so cute!
Closer to going public
Well, it's getting closer and closer to 'going public' with this battle. As it gets closer, I find myself getting... anxious... nervous, yet excited. I know we're going to get some rude comments from ignorant people, but, we also have a lot of people standing beside us and ready to help in any way they can.
I'm excited because it'll finally be out in the open, no more hiding, no more pretending that we're OK at all times. I also realized the other night, just how passionate I am about Infertility and everything that goes along with it. I had a client ask 'So, what about this baby stuff for you guys, it's just not going to work, are you going to give up now?'. I know she didn't say it to be mean, but my oh my, I sure took it as being mean and rude. See, that's what I've been talking about all along, people saying things that aren't meant to be mean, but, because they don't know any better, they really are mean things to say.
Since it's so close to going public, I told her about it. I told her we're tired of being quiet and fighting it alone. I told her that we want to get the word out there about this, to help others fighting it, know that there is help out there and there are people they can at least talk to and who understand what they're going through. I could see in her eyes that she just didn't really understand. I went on to say how hard it's been, how out of the last 2 years, I've had to pretend that I was pregnant, for one year of that (with our Drs telling us to 'pretend we are until we know differently') Again, it wasn't 'hitting home' so I said 'OK, imagine your kids.... imagine you didn't have them and that you never knew that love.... That's what 'We' deal with on a daily basis..' To which she replied 'Wow...' and changed the subject. I'm not sure if she understands, but I now know...how much I'm willing to fight for this. I guess when Infertility hasn't touched you personally, you will never really get it, or may not even care to 'get it', for that matter. That's the issue I'm going to have with this entire thing - dealing with the frustrations of people not getting it, not even pretending to. It's just hard, I'm in the middle of it, fighting it with all I have, so it's hard for me to contemplate people who don't understand. Time to learn a little patience or maybe at least get a punching bag to beat on after dealing with it!? hehe
I've sent this journal to a friend of mine, Chelsey. I mentioned her in the beginning, the one who went off the pill and got pregnant the same month - with twins!? We've kinda lost contact a bit since she moved to Chilliwack, and I thought it was about time to get back in touch with her - I miss her. She finally started reading my journal (where she finds the time with 2 year old twins, I don't know!?) and she sent me a message the other night - this is what it said: 'I'm on page 27 and my heart aches for you.' Ah Chels, how I miss thee.. :)
It's amazing, when most people just hear about us having issues getting pregnant, they offer useless/hurtful advice and think of it as no big deal. I remember telling someone that we were having issues and she replied to me 'Don't worry, it took my Mom 3 years (??) to get pregnant with me...' <-- I'm sorry, but was that meant to make me feel better!? You'd be amazed at how many people have said something to that effect when they hear about us having troubles. We infertiles should write up a list of things non infertiles can say to us when they find out.... things like:
~ I'm sorry you're having such problems, is there anything I can do? or...
~ Do you want to talk about it? or...
~ I want to hear all about it....
Ah. maybe one day... :)
You know, I HATE what Infertility has done to me!!
~ It's robbed me of feeling joy for other peoples pregnancies
~ I now have a loss of control over how I get pregnant
~ It makes me cry at random times - just comes out of the blue
~ I'm angry that I'm going to have to pay A LOT of money in order to, hopefully, get pregnant
~ I get very frustrated with people who don't understand, no matter how I try to explain it
~ I'm angry that it consumes my life
~ I'm angry that very loving couples who are desperate to have children, have to fight so hard and might still end up without
~ I'm angry that I have to take medication in hopes of getting pregnant
So much crap we have to go through, for such a simple miracle. That's what it is, a simple miracle. Look around you, talk to other people, women get pregnant each n every day, easily and even when they want to. It's not a hard thing to do - it happens to millions of women everyday - and yet here we are - 26 months into it, with nothing to show but heartache and tears. I'm not asking to win the lottery, I'm not asking for a perfect life, I'm not asking for my boobs to grow 2 sizes over night (though that would be nice hehe) - I'm only asking for something, that so many others have and yet take for granted.
PS - On a side note, I'm really nervous about my friend, Christina. She sent me a very cryptic message today, saying they got some 'not so good news about the babies' - and it's killing me not knowing. She had another ultrasound to go to today, to hopefully get 'diagnosed' (whatever that means) and she said she'd let me know what happens from that. Well, it's 9PM now, and I haven't heard a word from her.......... I'm thinking nothing but happy thoughts for her and their babies - I hope nothing is wrong and whatever it is they thought it was, was a big mistake. *crossing fingers*
Octuplets
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!?
Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly cuz I feel my blood pressure raising, but, I might type more later, after watching more of the interview.
This woman is giving IVF a bad name. Some people already have issues with the entire IVF debate, thinking that you 'shouldn't mess with nature'. Now this, is only making it harder for those of us who actually need it in order to have children of our own. Very loving, hard working couples, who would do anything if only to be given a chance to have a baby. It's so frustrating, and I just hope others don't think that that is what IVF is all about - selfish-ness.
Octuplets!!!!?
Alright, first things first, Christina and babies are fine - 'not out of the woods yet' but fine. <-- I'm still not sure what that means, but at least she doesn't sound worried now.
Now, on to other business. Let's have a wee rant about Miss Octuplets! <-- I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but man, that woman really chaps my khakis!! I'll be watching a more in depth interview with her tonight, but for now, I just don't know where to begin. I just can't believe so many things about the entire situation! Like: Supposedly she saved for the IVF, but if she had that kind of money that she was able to save - why didn't she use it to take better care of the 6 she already had? And, if she's not working, how the hell did she afford to save that kind of money? My husband and I both work and it would take us years and years to save that kinda of money!!? Alright, lets move onto her Dr - that man should have his license revoked for sure. What the hell was he thinking implanting 6 embryos? Especially knowing that she already had 6 kids at home!? I've never heard of a Dr implanting that many embryos!!? Fertility Drs want to avoid higher order multiples at all costs, there fore, most, won't implant more than 2 - MAYBE 3. A lot of Drs are even moving to SET (Single Embryo Transfer).
This woman is single, no husband/boyfriend to help raise these children, and on an interview I saw yesterday, even her own mother is suggesting they take these kids from her. The house they're living in is a 3 bedroom, of her parents, and her parents are doing the major care giving of these children.
OK, I'll stop there, mostly because I feel my blood pressure raising.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The real scoop on IVF
I've just realized that I've been talking about going public and asking for help so we can hopefully afford IVF, yet most of you out there, dont have a clue what it's all about. I'm about to copy the description from the Victoria Fertility Centre website:
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, is a process designed to help women
achieve pregnancy. There may be many reasons why a couple are unable to become pregnant, and a thorough investigation of both partners is appropriate before making any decisions about treatment.
The first baby born through IVF was Louise Brown, through the pioneering efforts of Drs Steptoe and Edwards, in 1978. Originally, IVF was designed to help women with tubal disease, but today IVF is able to help couples with many different problems achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Before explaining IVF it is important to have a basic understanding of the female menstrual cycle.
The Normal Menstrual Cycle
Women are born with a finite number of eggs. The ovaries are not like the testes in men. The testes are like sperm factories that continue to make fresh sperm all the time. The ovaries are more like “banks” of eggs. The ovaries are not autonomous (self-regulating), and need to be stimulated to function.
The ovaries are controlled by a hormone called FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) produced in the brain. At the start of each menstrual cycle the brain releases FSH and, in response, a number of eggs are “recruited” or withdrawn from the “bank”. These eggs start maturing and each egg grows in a capsule of fluid called a follicle. A follicle is, in fact, a small cyst. Although many many eggs start on this journey, within a couple of days most will die and disappear, and only one or two will continue to grow and mature.
As the follicles grow they release a hormone called estradiol (estrogen). When the egg is almost mature, the rising estrogen level signals the brain to release a hormone called luteinizing hormone (LH). This hormone triggers ovulation, and it can be detected in a woman’s urine the day before she will ovulate. LH is the hormone that is detected by ovulation predictor kits.
Around the time of ovulation, the rising estrogen levels act on the mucus at the cervix, making it stringy – like the white of an egg. Normally the cervical mucus is thick, and is designed to prevent any bacteria from getting in to the uterus from the vagina. The estrogen makes the mucus sperm-friendly so that the sperm are able to penetrate through the mucus and get into the uterus and then on to the fallopian tubes.
After ovulation the egg is picked up by the many tiny finger-like structures at the end of the fallopian tube called fimbria. A sperm will then fertilize the egg in the upper part of the tube. A fertilized egg is called a zygote and then, once it starts to divide, an embryo. The early embryo spends 3–5 days in the tube before it reaching the uterus where it will then implant in the uterine lining (the endometrium) and begins to grow.
What Happens in an IVF Cycle
During IVF you are given medications which manipulate your ovaries and the eggs being produced. The idea is to try and get several eggs to mature, not just one or two. The follicles where the eggs are developing can be monitored by ultrasound and by measuring your estrogen levels.
ULTRASOUND IMAGE OF OVARY CONTAINING FOLLICLES
When the eggs are mature, they are taken from the ovaries (using a fine needle which is passed through the vagina under ultrasound guidance) and handed to the embryologist. The eggs are then fertilized with your partner's sperm (or, in some instances, donor sperm).
The fertilized eggs (embryos) are then cultured under very strict conditions and examined each day by the embryologist to assess their progress. On the third day the embryos are assessed by the embryologist and a meeting is then held to discuss them. At this meeting we decide how many to replace inside the uterus (by a second procedure called an embryo transfer).
Sometimes more than one embryo will be transferred, and sometimes the other good quality embryos will be suitable for freezing for your later use. Our aim is to enhance the chances of pregnancy but limit the risk of multiple pregnancies.
Multiple Pregnancies
Although most couples are happy to accept a risk of twins, it is important to know that even twins carry significant risks (e.g. premature delivery, developmental abnormalities, toxaemia, gestational diabetes, etc, etc). So although in most cases the outcome with twins is good there are significantly increased risks of problems over “singletons”.
Higher order multiple pregnancies such as triplets and quads carry extremely high risks – and we do everything we can to avoid these. If a pregnancy does occur with triplets or more we would encourage you to consider a selective reduction. This is a procedure done at 10–11 weeks’ gestation, whereby the number of fetuses is reduced to twins. It is like an amniocentesis, and does carry a risk – about 5 % – that the whole pregnancy could be miscarried. Ideally we try and avoid this scenario, which is upsetting to everyone.
Preparation for an IVF Cycle
In order to optimize results we recommend that you pay particular attention to both your physical and mental health both before and during the treatment phases. Both men and women are advised to stop smoking and drinking alcohol prior to treatment. We also recommend that women stop all caffeine as soon as they start medication and stay off it until the first pregnancy test. If pregnancy occurs we recommend no caffeine until 12 weeks’ gestation.
Optimal weight is very important, and being underweight or overweight can adversely influence the success of a cycle. The ideal body mass index (BMI) is between 20 and 25, and a BMI over 30 will both significantly reduce the chances of conception and increase the chance of miscarriage.
It is recommended that all women considering pregnancy take a prenatal supplement containing folic acid for at least a month or more before pregnancy, and then throughout the pregnancy. Materna is a popular prenatal vitamin. Folic acid has been shown to reduce the incidence of spina bifida and the ideal amount of folic that should be taken daily is 1 mg. Women in certain high-risk groups may need a higher dose to achieve the same protection. These include:
Women who are overweight
Diabetics
Women who have had a child with spinal bifida, or who have a relative with spinal bifida
Certain racial groups including Sikhs and women from some European countries such as Wales
Women who take anti-epileptic drugs
These groups of women are recommended to take 4 mg of folic acid daily.
You might be taking prescription drugs. Please make sure that you have discussed these with VFC before starting IVF treatment.
It is important to keep physically fit, although we would recommend that you moderate your exercise before an IVF cycle.
The Treatment Cycle - What to Expect
Although what follows is a "typical" approach – every treatment is individualized and this is therefore just an example.
Step 1
History, physical examination, blood tests, sperm functional assessment, pelvic ultrasound
Possibly hysteroscopy/laparoscopy
Consultation with our reproductive psychologist
Setting an individually-designed treatment plan
Clinical orientation at VFC (with one of our Clinical Co-coordinators) to explain your treatment plan and make sure that you understand how to give injections and take medications
Step 2
You maybe asked to take the birth control pill (the “Pill”) for approximately 3 weeks. This suppresses the ovaries and the uterine lining (puts them to sleep). It also suppresses other hormones which in certain circumstances has a positive effect on outcome
While on the Pill you will be asked to come to VFC for a Mock Embryo Transfer. You will be given an instruction sheet about this process. The reason for the Mock Embryo Transfer is to check that there will not be any problems transferring the very delicate embryos into your uterus.
Step 3
After being on the Pill for 2 weeks, you will be started on a drug called a GnRH analogue. The commonly-used ones, Suprefact and Lupron, are given by injection once a day, preferably in the morning. This drug suppresses the pituitary gland in the brain, which prevents it releasing FSH and LH. This means that we can take complete control of the ovaries and uterus without any interference from the brain
After being on the GnRH analogue for 7–10 days, you will be asked to stop the Pill – but you will continue to take the GnRH analogue. After stopping the Pill you will have a bleed (this is the lining of the uterus shedding).
You will then have an ultrasound to check that the ovaries are “suppressed”, i.e. that there are no follicular cysts on them. You will also have a blood test to check your estradiol level
If everything looks good you will be ready to start the stimulation phase of your cycle
Step 4: Stimulation Phase (ovulation induction)
You will continue with your GnRH analogue, aspirin and prenatal supplement
You will be started on injections of gonadotrophins, FSH and LH, to stimulate your ovaries. The names of the commonly used drugs are: Gonal F, Puregon and Repronex (although there are others). During your orientation session you will have been taught how to mix and inject these hormones
After approximately 7 days of stimulation you will have an estradiol (blood test) and ultrasound. The dosage of your gonadotrophin drugs might be adjusted at this stage
Step 5: The Follicles Are Ready
When the follicles reach a certain size and your estradiol levels are right you will be ready for “triggering”. At this stage you will be asked to stop the GnRH analogue and FSH/LH (gonadotrophin) injections. You will be told then when to have an injection of another drug called hCG (trade names are Profasi or Pregnyl). The hCG “matures” the eggs and makes them ready for retrieval
You will also be asked to start taking an antibiotic called Doxycyline. You will take this twice a day until the day of your embryo transfer taking the last dose of Doxycycline that evening.
Your egg retrieval will be scheduled for exactly 36 hours after this injection
Step 6: Egg Retrieval
You will be asked to do the following the day before your egg retrieval:
1.Have a normal supper the night before retrieval, but nothing to eat after midnight
2.Continue to take the antibiotics as directed.
3.On arrival, you will be asked to empty your bladder and change into a nightgown
4.You will then be given acupuncture for half an hour. This helps you relax, and also helps control the discomfort during the egg retrieval
5.After the acupuncture you will be introduced to the RN (Registered Nurse) who will assist with your procedure. The RN will take you through to the Procedure Room, an intravenous line will be started, and you will be hooked up to an ECG and Oxygen Saturation Monitor
6.Your legs will then be positioned in stirrups – just like when you have a Pap smear
7.A speculum will be introduced in to the vagina so that it can be cleaned thoroughly with sterile saline. Local anesthetic is then injected in to the vagina wall
8.During this time you will be given some medications called Fentanyl and Midazolam to control discomfort. These drugs will make you feel drowsy and relaxed. You will also be given an intravenous antibiotic to reduce the risk of infection
9.A vaginal ultrasound probe is then inserted into the vagina. A needle is passed alongside the probe, through the vagina wall into the ovaries, and the follicles are aspirated and their fluid collected in test tubes. The fluid is immediately examined by our embryologist. The eggs are identified, placed in culture medium and stored in an incubator. This whole procedure takes about 15 minutes
10.At the end of the procedure the probe is removed and you will rest until you are ready to go through to the Recovery Room. There you will rest until you feel ready to go home. During this time you will be offered a drink and some cookies
11.You will need to be escorted home by your partner or a friend. You must not drive for 24 hours after egg retrieval
12.After your egg retrieval, unless you are using frozen/donor sperm, your partner will be asked to produce a fresh semen sample at VFC
13.The sperm are then washed and prepared in the laboratory by our embryologist
14.The eggs are then inseminated either by mixing the sperm and eggs together (standard IVF) or by ICSI (ICSI stands for Intracytoplasmic sperm injection and involves injecting a single sperm into each egg). ICSI is performed only if we have concerns about the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. In either case, fertilization actually occurs several hours later
15.After egg retrieval you will be asked to start your progesterone to prepare the uterine lining for the embryo transfer which will take place on the third day after the egg retrieval. Progesterone is usually given in one of two ways:
a. Prometrium: This comes in 100mg tablets which are inserted in to the vagina. The usual dose is 200 mg (2 tablets) 3 times daily
b. Progesterone in oil: This is given by intra-muscular (“IM”) injection, the usual dose is 50 mg per day. These injections might need to be given at VFC – or by your family doctor – daily
Step 7: The Short Wait....
This is the 3-day period between egg retrieval and embryo transfer.
The day after egg retrieval you will be telephoned to tell you how many eggs have fertilized. The fertilized eggs (zygotes) are cultured under carefully controlled conditions for 3 days. Zygotes should divide into 2 cells later on the first day and are then called embryos. On the morning of the second day the embryos should have 4 cells each, and 8 cells by the morning of the third day
During these three days you may do everyday activities – but you will be asked to refrain from
Intercourse
Swimming or hot tubs
Coffee and alcohol
You should continue with your prenatal vitamins. You should continue with the progesterone preparation until told otherwise
Step 8: Day 3 – The Embryo Transfer
On the day of embryo transfer you will be asked to come to VFC at the specified time
You should drink 2 glasses of water an hour before your transfer – ideally we would like your bladder to be half full but not uncomfortable
We will discuss the embryos, their quality and confirm how many to transfer and freeze
You will be shown to the Procedure Room, and given acupuncture for 30 minutes
An ultrasound will then be done to check how full your bladder is
When ready, your legs will again be placed in some stirrups, a speculum introduced into the vagina and the cervix cleaned with saline
With an ultrasound probe on your tummy a fine catheter will then be passed through your cervix and the embryo(s) injected in to the uterus
You will then be asked to lie quietly for at least 20 to 30 minutes
After this you will be allowed to go home. You should rest quietly for the rest of the day – but don’t worry, the embryos won’t fall out
Step 9: The Long Wait....
This is the 12-day wait between your embryo transfer and the expected date of your next period (which hopefully won’t come for many months!).
You will be instructed to continue with the progesterone and prenatal vitamins – and any other medications that might be necessary
You will be given a requisition to have a pregnancy test on a specified date.
During this time we would encourage you to:
Avoid intercourse
Restrict exercise to everyday activities only
Get lots of rest
Think positively!!!
Expectations
It is important to be well-informed and have realistic expectations. Some important points are:
Not every follicle contains an egg. So, if for example 10 follicles were identified by ultrasound prior to retrieval, it would be realistic to hope for 5 – 7 eggs
The number and quality of eggs can also be predicted to some extent by the levels of estradiol
Not every egg is good quality – so not every egg fertilizes. We expect a fertilization rate of about 80%
Not every fertilized egg develops into a perfect embryo
On Day 3 our embryologist assesses the embryos according to very strict criteria to help us decide which embryos to choose for transfer
Not every embryo that is not transferred is suitable for freezing. Poorer quality embryos are unlikely to survive freezing and thawing – and may be discarded
The table below gives some idea of IVF/ICSI cycles for average patients
Schematic Summary of an IVF Cycle
Birth control pill for 2 weeks
–
Add Suprefact – and continue the Pill – for 1 week
–
Stop the Pill – continue Suprefact
Expect vaginal bleed – continue Suprefact only
–
Ultrasound and estradiol (blood test)
If satisfactory, start HMG (Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex)
–
After 7 days of HMG, repeat ultrasound and estradiol
Further monitoring until follicles are “ready”
Trigger with hCG (Profasi or Pregnyl)
–
Egg retrieval – Fertilization – Embryo culture
–
Embryo transfer
–
Pregnancy test
Risks and Possible Complications Related to Superovulation and IVF/ICSI
1.) Canceled Cycles
A cycle might be canceled for a variety of reasons, the most common of which are either an under- or over-response to the fertility drugs. We do our best to predict the ovaries’ likely responses to the fertility drugs, and choose a dosage that is most appropriate to your individual characteristics. The ovaries are assessed pre-IVF by doing a Day 3 FSH level, and by examining them using ultrasound. Your weight and age are also important considerations.
Older women, elevated FSH levels, and previous poor response to stimulation are all factors that may predict a poor response to these medications. In these situations, a protocol will be selected to try and get the most from your ovaries. However, sometimes there is such a poor response that the cycle has to be abandoned.
On the other hand, sometimes the ovaries over-respond. Women at risk for this are those with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and women who are overweight and not menstruating regularly.
One of the potential complications from over-responding is a condition called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a potentially dangerous condition that results from the estrogen levels being too high. This causes the membranes between fluid compartments in your body to become too permeable, resulting in fluid leaking into body cavities such as the peritoneal cavity (abdomen) and the pleural spaces (chest, around the lungs). OHSS also tends to result in the fluid volume in your blood vessels (the “intravascular volume”) falling, leading to a hypercoagulable state – in other words, you may be more prone to blood clots and stroke.
There are several ways to identify this condition (OHSS), and precautions that can be taken to prevent serious complications. If, during the stimulation phase of the cycle, too many follicles start growing, and the estrogen levels get too high, different options become available. This situation usually only becomes dangerous if the hCG is given, or if pregnancy occurs. The different options include:
Coasting – stopping the FSH drugs and waiting for the estrogen levels to come down before giving hCG.
Retrieving and fertilizing the eggs, but then freezing all the embryos for later use; so that pregnancy will not occur until the ovaries and estrogen levels have had a chance to settle down.
Canceling the cycle completely.
Common symptoms associated with OHSS include bloating, nausea, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, vomiting and low urine output. Many cases are mild and respond to simple measures such as fluid manipulations.
2.) Surgical Complications from the Egg Retrieval
Potential complications from this procedure include the following:
Internal bleeding
Infection
Damage to internal organs such as the bladder, bowel or ureters
These are all very uncommon.
3.) Ovarian Complications
After IVF the ovaries become swollen and tender. They can be very uncomfortable and can occasionally twist or bleed. Very rarely it might be necessary to do a surgical procedure to untwist them or stop them bleeding.
4.) Multiple Pregnancy
It is our duty to do the very best to achieve pregnancy while also reducing the risk of multiple pregnancy. Even twins carry significant risks, some of which are listed below:
Increased social or domestic stress with child raising.
Increased chance of premature delivery, with all the associated risks such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders, low birth weight, congenital anomalies, etc.
Increased pregnancy risks, such as toxaemia (high blood pressure), gestational diabetes, anaemia, operative delivery, miscarriage, post-partum bleeding, etc.
Some of the ways to reduce the risks of a multiple pregnancy include:
Limiting the number of embryos transferred
Transferring only one embryo
Selective reduction
5.) Long-term Risks of Cancer
There have been concerns raised over the years that there might be long-term cancer risks associated with the use of fertility drugs.
One study in Washington State revealed that an unusual number of women with cancer had used a fertility drug called Clomiphene. However, subsequent studies that have been done are more, reassuring. There are many other factors that might be associated with an increased risk of ovarian cancer, one of which is infertility itself.
Recently, some studies have suggested a possible increase in the risk of breast cancer associated with the use of FSH (e.g. Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex), although once again the findings across all relevant studies are inconclusive.
At this present time the Cochrane review does not support an association between IVF, Fertility drugs and breast or ovarian cancer.
The bottom line is that there may be a risk, and these drugs should be used responsibly, on each occasion maximizing the chance of a pregnancy so as to reduce long-term (repeated) exposure.
6.) Risks of IVF and ICSI to Children
So far, the studies done looking at children born after IVF and ICSI have been very reassuring. There is some evidence that children born after IVF/ICSI might have a slightly lower birth weight than children conceived naturally.
Recent evidence suggests that there might be a slightly higher risk of congenital abnormalities in children born after ICSI, but not IVF. It should be remembered that all babies born (i.e.naturally conceived babies) have a 4–6% risk of some form of congenital abnormality. These should not be confused with the genetic problems that increase with maternal age. Common congenital abnormalities include such things as club foot, cleft palate, extra digits, hernias, etc, which are not related to maternal age. However, it must also be remembered that babies born after IVF and ICSI are far more carefully scrutinized than babies conceived naturally.
Nonetheless, it is important that you are aware that there is a likelihood that a male sperm problem, if it is something you were born with, will probably be transmitted to your sons via the Y chromosome.
Having said all this, for the most part, the information available is reassuring.
7.) Miscarriage
Miscarriage can occur in up to 10–20% of pregnancies, depending on maternal age. The rate of miscarriage may be higher with IVF/ICSI than in natural conception cycles, although this could be influenced by personal history and health. There may also be an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, especially if there is a history of damaged fallopian tubes.
Dealing With Bad News – A Failed Cycle or Obtaining Fewer Than Expected Eggs or Embryos
Unfortunately, one has to be realistic about IVF success rates. It is recommended that dealing with a failed cycle be discussed beforehand, and that plans are made for receiving the pregnancy test result on the appointed day. A failed cycle often leave women with feelings of frustration, sadness and even despair. This is why we encourage all our patients at VFC to meet with our reproductive psychologist at the start of a treatment cycle.
Alright, how do you like that? Not quite what you thought it was going to be, was it? The thought of actually going through that, scares the shit out of me, but I'm willing to do it. The need to have a baby is so intense and so ingrained in us – we're willing to do whatever it takes for it to finally happen. To finally have what everyone else gets, so easily.
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
In-Vitro Fertilization, or IVF, is a process designed to help women
achieve pregnancy. There may be many reasons why a couple are unable to become pregnant, and a thorough investigation of both partners is appropriate before making any decisions about treatment.
The first baby born through IVF was Louise Brown, through the pioneering efforts of Drs Steptoe and Edwards, in 1978. Originally, IVF was designed to help women with tubal disease, but today IVF is able to help couples with many different problems achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Before explaining IVF it is important to have a basic understanding of the female menstrual cycle.
The Normal Menstrual Cycle
Women are born with a finite number of eggs. The ovaries are not like the testes in men. The testes are like sperm factories that continue to make fresh sperm all the time. The ovaries are more like “banks” of eggs. The ovaries are not autonomous (self-regulating), and need to be stimulated to function.
The ovaries are controlled by a hormone called FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) produced in the brain. At the start of each menstrual cycle the brain releases FSH and, in response, a number of eggs are “recruited” or withdrawn from the “bank”. These eggs start maturing and each egg grows in a capsule of fluid called a follicle. A follicle is, in fact, a small cyst. Although many many eggs start on this journey, within a couple of days most will die and disappear, and only one or two will continue to grow and mature.
As the follicles grow they release a hormone called estradiol (estrogen). When the egg is almost mature, the rising estrogen level signals the brain to release a hormone called luteinizing hormone (LH). This hormone triggers ovulation, and it can be detected in a woman’s urine the day before she will ovulate. LH is the hormone that is detected by ovulation predictor kits.
Around the time of ovulation, the rising estrogen levels act on the mucus at the cervix, making it stringy – like the white of an egg. Normally the cervical mucus is thick, and is designed to prevent any bacteria from getting in to the uterus from the vagina. The estrogen makes the mucus sperm-friendly so that the sperm are able to penetrate through the mucus and get into the uterus and then on to the fallopian tubes.
After ovulation the egg is picked up by the many tiny finger-like structures at the end of the fallopian tube called fimbria. A sperm will then fertilize the egg in the upper part of the tube. A fertilized egg is called a zygote and then, once it starts to divide, an embryo. The early embryo spends 3–5 days in the tube before it reaching the uterus where it will then implant in the uterine lining (the endometrium) and begins to grow.
What Happens in an IVF Cycle
During IVF you are given medications which manipulate your ovaries and the eggs being produced. The idea is to try and get several eggs to mature, not just one or two. The follicles where the eggs are developing can be monitored by ultrasound and by measuring your estrogen levels.
ULTRASOUND IMAGE OF OVARY CONTAINING FOLLICLES
When the eggs are mature, they are taken from the ovaries (using a fine needle which is passed through the vagina under ultrasound guidance) and handed to the embryologist. The eggs are then fertilized with your partner's sperm (or, in some instances, donor sperm).
The fertilized eggs (embryos) are then cultured under very strict conditions and examined each day by the embryologist to assess their progress. On the third day the embryos are assessed by the embryologist and a meeting is then held to discuss them. At this meeting we decide how many to replace inside the uterus (by a second procedure called an embryo transfer).
Sometimes more than one embryo will be transferred, and sometimes the other good quality embryos will be suitable for freezing for your later use. Our aim is to enhance the chances of pregnancy but limit the risk of multiple pregnancies.
Multiple Pregnancies
Although most couples are happy to accept a risk of twins, it is important to know that even twins carry significant risks (e.g. premature delivery, developmental abnormalities, toxaemia, gestational diabetes, etc, etc). So although in most cases the outcome with twins is good there are significantly increased risks of problems over “singletons”.
Higher order multiple pregnancies such as triplets and quads carry extremely high risks – and we do everything we can to avoid these. If a pregnancy does occur with triplets or more we would encourage you to consider a selective reduction. This is a procedure done at 10–11 weeks’ gestation, whereby the number of fetuses is reduced to twins. It is like an amniocentesis, and does carry a risk – about 5 % – that the whole pregnancy could be miscarried. Ideally we try and avoid this scenario, which is upsetting to everyone.
Preparation for an IVF Cycle
In order to optimize results we recommend that you pay particular attention to both your physical and mental health both before and during the treatment phases. Both men and women are advised to stop smoking and drinking alcohol prior to treatment. We also recommend that women stop all caffeine as soon as they start medication and stay off it until the first pregnancy test. If pregnancy occurs we recommend no caffeine until 12 weeks’ gestation.
Optimal weight is very important, and being underweight or overweight can adversely influence the success of a cycle. The ideal body mass index (BMI) is between 20 and 25, and a BMI over 30 will both significantly reduce the chances of conception and increase the chance of miscarriage.
It is recommended that all women considering pregnancy take a prenatal supplement containing folic acid for at least a month or more before pregnancy, and then throughout the pregnancy. Materna is a popular prenatal vitamin. Folic acid has been shown to reduce the incidence of spina bifida and the ideal amount of folic that should be taken daily is 1 mg. Women in certain high-risk groups may need a higher dose to achieve the same protection. These include:
Women who are overweight
Diabetics
Women who have had a child with spinal bifida, or who have a relative with spinal bifida
Certain racial groups including Sikhs and women from some European countries such as Wales
Women who take anti-epileptic drugs
These groups of women are recommended to take 4 mg of folic acid daily.
You might be taking prescription drugs. Please make sure that you have discussed these with VFC before starting IVF treatment.
It is important to keep physically fit, although we would recommend that you moderate your exercise before an IVF cycle.
The Treatment Cycle - What to Expect
Although what follows is a "typical" approach – every treatment is individualized and this is therefore just an example.
Step 1
History, physical examination, blood tests, sperm functional assessment, pelvic ultrasound
Possibly hysteroscopy/laparoscopy
Consultation with our reproductive psychologist
Setting an individually-designed treatment plan
Clinical orientation at VFC (with one of our Clinical Co-coordinators) to explain your treatment plan and make sure that you understand how to give injections and take medications
Step 2
You maybe asked to take the birth control pill (the “Pill”) for approximately 3 weeks. This suppresses the ovaries and the uterine lining (puts them to sleep). It also suppresses other hormones which in certain circumstances has a positive effect on outcome
While on the Pill you will be asked to come to VFC for a Mock Embryo Transfer. You will be given an instruction sheet about this process. The reason for the Mock Embryo Transfer is to check that there will not be any problems transferring the very delicate embryos into your uterus.
Step 3
After being on the Pill for 2 weeks, you will be started on a drug called a GnRH analogue. The commonly-used ones, Suprefact and Lupron, are given by injection once a day, preferably in the morning. This drug suppresses the pituitary gland in the brain, which prevents it releasing FSH and LH. This means that we can take complete control of the ovaries and uterus without any interference from the brain
After being on the GnRH analogue for 7–10 days, you will be asked to stop the Pill – but you will continue to take the GnRH analogue. After stopping the Pill you will have a bleed (this is the lining of the uterus shedding).
You will then have an ultrasound to check that the ovaries are “suppressed”, i.e. that there are no follicular cysts on them. You will also have a blood test to check your estradiol level
If everything looks good you will be ready to start the stimulation phase of your cycle
Step 4: Stimulation Phase (ovulation induction)
You will continue with your GnRH analogue, aspirin and prenatal supplement
You will be started on injections of gonadotrophins, FSH and LH, to stimulate your ovaries. The names of the commonly used drugs are: Gonal F, Puregon and Repronex (although there are others). During your orientation session you will have been taught how to mix and inject these hormones
After approximately 7 days of stimulation you will have an estradiol (blood test) and ultrasound. The dosage of your gonadotrophin drugs might be adjusted at this stage
Step 5: The Follicles Are Ready
When the follicles reach a certain size and your estradiol levels are right you will be ready for “triggering”. At this stage you will be asked to stop the GnRH analogue and FSH/LH (gonadotrophin) injections. You will be told then when to have an injection of another drug called hCG (trade names are Profasi or Pregnyl). The hCG “matures” the eggs and makes them ready for retrieval
You will also be asked to start taking an antibiotic called Doxycyline. You will take this twice a day until the day of your embryo transfer taking the last dose of Doxycycline that evening.
Your egg retrieval will be scheduled for exactly 36 hours after this injection
Step 6: Egg Retrieval
You will be asked to do the following the day before your egg retrieval:
1.Have a normal supper the night before retrieval, but nothing to eat after midnight
2.Continue to take the antibiotics as directed.
3.On arrival, you will be asked to empty your bladder and change into a nightgown
4.You will then be given acupuncture for half an hour. This helps you relax, and also helps control the discomfort during the egg retrieval
5.After the acupuncture you will be introduced to the RN (Registered Nurse) who will assist with your procedure. The RN will take you through to the Procedure Room, an intravenous line will be started, and you will be hooked up to an ECG and Oxygen Saturation Monitor
6.Your legs will then be positioned in stirrups – just like when you have a Pap smear
7.A speculum will be introduced in to the vagina so that it can be cleaned thoroughly with sterile saline. Local anesthetic is then injected in to the vagina wall
8.During this time you will be given some medications called Fentanyl and Midazolam to control discomfort. These drugs will make you feel drowsy and relaxed. You will also be given an intravenous antibiotic to reduce the risk of infection
9.A vaginal ultrasound probe is then inserted into the vagina. A needle is passed alongside the probe, through the vagina wall into the ovaries, and the follicles are aspirated and their fluid collected in test tubes. The fluid is immediately examined by our embryologist. The eggs are identified, placed in culture medium and stored in an incubator. This whole procedure takes about 15 minutes
10.At the end of the procedure the probe is removed and you will rest until you are ready to go through to the Recovery Room. There you will rest until you feel ready to go home. During this time you will be offered a drink and some cookies
11.You will need to be escorted home by your partner or a friend. You must not drive for 24 hours after egg retrieval
12.After your egg retrieval, unless you are using frozen/donor sperm, your partner will be asked to produce a fresh semen sample at VFC
13.The sperm are then washed and prepared in the laboratory by our embryologist
14.The eggs are then inseminated either by mixing the sperm and eggs together (standard IVF) or by ICSI (ICSI stands for Intracytoplasmic sperm injection and involves injecting a single sperm into each egg). ICSI is performed only if we have concerns about the sperm and their ability to fertilize an egg. In either case, fertilization actually occurs several hours later
15.After egg retrieval you will be asked to start your progesterone to prepare the uterine lining for the embryo transfer which will take place on the third day after the egg retrieval. Progesterone is usually given in one of two ways:
a. Prometrium: This comes in 100mg tablets which are inserted in to the vagina. The usual dose is 200 mg (2 tablets) 3 times daily
b. Progesterone in oil: This is given by intra-muscular (“IM”) injection, the usual dose is 50 mg per day. These injections might need to be given at VFC – or by your family doctor – daily
Step 7: The Short Wait....
This is the 3-day period between egg retrieval and embryo transfer.
The day after egg retrieval you will be telephoned to tell you how many eggs have fertilized. The fertilized eggs (zygotes) are cultured under carefully controlled conditions for 3 days. Zygotes should divide into 2 cells later on the first day and are then called embryos. On the morning of the second day the embryos should have 4 cells each, and 8 cells by the morning of the third day
During these three days you may do everyday activities – but you will be asked to refrain from
Intercourse
Swimming or hot tubs
Coffee and alcohol
You should continue with your prenatal vitamins. You should continue with the progesterone preparation until told otherwise
Step 8: Day 3 – The Embryo Transfer
On the day of embryo transfer you will be asked to come to VFC at the specified time
You should drink 2 glasses of water an hour before your transfer – ideally we would like your bladder to be half full but not uncomfortable
We will discuss the embryos, their quality and confirm how many to transfer and freeze
You will be shown to the Procedure Room, and given acupuncture for 30 minutes
An ultrasound will then be done to check how full your bladder is
When ready, your legs will again be placed in some stirrups, a speculum introduced into the vagina and the cervix cleaned with saline
With an ultrasound probe on your tummy a fine catheter will then be passed through your cervix and the embryo(s) injected in to the uterus
You will then be asked to lie quietly for at least 20 to 30 minutes
After this you will be allowed to go home. You should rest quietly for the rest of the day – but don’t worry, the embryos won’t fall out
Step 9: The Long Wait....
This is the 12-day wait between your embryo transfer and the expected date of your next period (which hopefully won’t come for many months!).
You will be instructed to continue with the progesterone and prenatal vitamins – and any other medications that might be necessary
You will be given a requisition to have a pregnancy test on a specified date.
During this time we would encourage you to:
Avoid intercourse
Restrict exercise to everyday activities only
Get lots of rest
Think positively!!!
Expectations
It is important to be well-informed and have realistic expectations. Some important points are:
Not every follicle contains an egg. So, if for example 10 follicles were identified by ultrasound prior to retrieval, it would be realistic to hope for 5 – 7 eggs
The number and quality of eggs can also be predicted to some extent by the levels of estradiol
Not every egg is good quality – so not every egg fertilizes. We expect a fertilization rate of about 80%
Not every fertilized egg develops into a perfect embryo
On Day 3 our embryologist assesses the embryos according to very strict criteria to help us decide which embryos to choose for transfer
Not every embryo that is not transferred is suitable for freezing. Poorer quality embryos are unlikely to survive freezing and thawing – and may be discarded
The table below gives some idea of IVF/ICSI cycles for average patients
Schematic Summary of an IVF Cycle
Birth control pill for 2 weeks
–
Add Suprefact – and continue the Pill – for 1 week
–
Stop the Pill – continue Suprefact
Expect vaginal bleed – continue Suprefact only
–
Ultrasound and estradiol (blood test)
If satisfactory, start HMG (Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex)
–
After 7 days of HMG, repeat ultrasound and estradiol
Further monitoring until follicles are “ready”
Trigger with hCG (Profasi or Pregnyl)
–
Egg retrieval – Fertilization – Embryo culture
–
Embryo transfer
–
Pregnancy test
Risks and Possible Complications Related to Superovulation and IVF/ICSI
1.) Canceled Cycles
A cycle might be canceled for a variety of reasons, the most common of which are either an under- or over-response to the fertility drugs. We do our best to predict the ovaries’ likely responses to the fertility drugs, and choose a dosage that is most appropriate to your individual characteristics. The ovaries are assessed pre-IVF by doing a Day 3 FSH level, and by examining them using ultrasound. Your weight and age are also important considerations.
Older women, elevated FSH levels, and previous poor response to stimulation are all factors that may predict a poor response to these medications. In these situations, a protocol will be selected to try and get the most from your ovaries. However, sometimes there is such a poor response that the cycle has to be abandoned.
On the other hand, sometimes the ovaries over-respond. Women at risk for this are those with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and women who are overweight and not menstruating regularly.
One of the potential complications from over-responding is a condition called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome (OHSS). This is a potentially dangerous condition that results from the estrogen levels being too high. This causes the membranes between fluid compartments in your body to become too permeable, resulting in fluid leaking into body cavities such as the peritoneal cavity (abdomen) and the pleural spaces (chest, around the lungs). OHSS also tends to result in the fluid volume in your blood vessels (the “intravascular volume”) falling, leading to a hypercoagulable state – in other words, you may be more prone to blood clots and stroke.
There are several ways to identify this condition (OHSS), and precautions that can be taken to prevent serious complications. If, during the stimulation phase of the cycle, too many follicles start growing, and the estrogen levels get too high, different options become available. This situation usually only becomes dangerous if the hCG is given, or if pregnancy occurs. The different options include:
Coasting – stopping the FSH drugs and waiting for the estrogen levels to come down before giving hCG.
Retrieving and fertilizing the eggs, but then freezing all the embryos for later use; so that pregnancy will not occur until the ovaries and estrogen levels have had a chance to settle down.
Canceling the cycle completely.
Common symptoms associated with OHSS include bloating, nausea, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, vomiting and low urine output. Many cases are mild and respond to simple measures such as fluid manipulations.
2.) Surgical Complications from the Egg Retrieval
Potential complications from this procedure include the following:
Internal bleeding
Infection
Damage to internal organs such as the bladder, bowel or ureters
These are all very uncommon.
3.) Ovarian Complications
After IVF the ovaries become swollen and tender. They can be very uncomfortable and can occasionally twist or bleed. Very rarely it might be necessary to do a surgical procedure to untwist them or stop them bleeding.
4.) Multiple Pregnancy
It is our duty to do the very best to achieve pregnancy while also reducing the risk of multiple pregnancy. Even twins carry significant risks, some of which are listed below:
Increased social or domestic stress with child raising.
Increased chance of premature delivery, with all the associated risks such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders, low birth weight, congenital anomalies, etc.
Increased pregnancy risks, such as toxaemia (high blood pressure), gestational diabetes, anaemia, operative delivery, miscarriage, post-partum bleeding, etc.
Some of the ways to reduce the risks of a multiple pregnancy include:
Limiting the number of embryos transferred
Transferring only one embryo
Selective reduction
5.) Long-term Risks of Cancer
There have been concerns raised over the years that there might be long-term cancer risks associated with the use of fertility drugs.
One study in Washington State revealed that an unusual number of women with cancer had used a fertility drug called Clomiphene. However, subsequent studies that have been done are more, reassuring. There are many other factors that might be associated with an increased risk of ovarian cancer, one of which is infertility itself.
Recently, some studies have suggested a possible increase in the risk of breast cancer associated with the use of FSH (e.g. Gonal F, Puregon, Repronex), although once again the findings across all relevant studies are inconclusive.
At this present time the Cochrane review does not support an association between IVF, Fertility drugs and breast or ovarian cancer.
The bottom line is that there may be a risk, and these drugs should be used responsibly, on each occasion maximizing the chance of a pregnancy so as to reduce long-term (repeated) exposure.
6.) Risks of IVF and ICSI to Children
So far, the studies done looking at children born after IVF and ICSI have been very reassuring. There is some evidence that children born after IVF/ICSI might have a slightly lower birth weight than children conceived naturally.
Recent evidence suggests that there might be a slightly higher risk of congenital abnormalities in children born after ICSI, but not IVF. It should be remembered that all babies born (i.e.naturally conceived babies) have a 4–6% risk of some form of congenital abnormality. These should not be confused with the genetic problems that increase with maternal age. Common congenital abnormalities include such things as club foot, cleft palate, extra digits, hernias, etc, which are not related to maternal age. However, it must also be remembered that babies born after IVF and ICSI are far more carefully scrutinized than babies conceived naturally.
Nonetheless, it is important that you are aware that there is a likelihood that a male sperm problem, if it is something you were born with, will probably be transmitted to your sons via the Y chromosome.
Having said all this, for the most part, the information available is reassuring.
7.) Miscarriage
Miscarriage can occur in up to 10–20% of pregnancies, depending on maternal age. The rate of miscarriage may be higher with IVF/ICSI than in natural conception cycles, although this could be influenced by personal history and health. There may also be an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, especially if there is a history of damaged fallopian tubes.
Dealing With Bad News – A Failed Cycle or Obtaining Fewer Than Expected Eggs or Embryos
Unfortunately, one has to be realistic about IVF success rates. It is recommended that dealing with a failed cycle be discussed beforehand, and that plans are made for receiving the pregnancy test result on the appointed day. A failed cycle often leave women with feelings of frustration, sadness and even despair. This is why we encourage all our patients at VFC to meet with our reproductive psychologist at the start of a treatment cycle.
Alright, how do you like that? Not quite what you thought it was going to be, was it? The thought of actually going through that, scares the shit out of me, but I'm willing to do it. The need to have a baby is so intense and so ingrained in us – we're willing to do whatever it takes for it to finally happen. To finally have what everyone else gets, so easily.
We're going public, finally
Here's a few 'Pointers' I found online:
-I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.
- I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help.
- If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
- I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
- I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
- Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
- I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
- I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
One more thing, then I'll end my entry for the day :) Don't ever say to anyone going through this: There are worse things out there than infertility, be glad'. To that person you said that to, infertility just may be 'the worst thing'.
I'm tired of being quiet
CD 22 9 DPO - Been awhile since I started an entry with that!! I waiver between wanting to keep track of all that on here, to just keeping you all posted on what's currently going on, without the added numbers :) So there you have it, it'll be a surprise as to how I start my entry for the day hehehe
I remember when I started this journal that I would say what day I was in my cycle, then state any symptoms I was experiencing. Lately, I've been more about... I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I still keep track of my cycle days, what day I'm on and IF any symptoms should appear, I just don't necessarily write them in here anymore. I just feel that my journal has to take a bit of a turn, like I myself have. Like I've said before, I'm tired of being embarrassed about this, I'm tired of being quiet - I'm going to do all I can to make others aware that this even exists - I guess that makes the new direction..... going public!? Ok, so that wasn't a snappy title or anything, but I'm tired, it's all I could come up with on such short notice. :)
Before I forget - I have to say, again, how much I love my friend, Christina - even though she's currently pregnant with twins (b!tch <-- hehe, Sorry honey). For those of you out there, fighting this fight, look around you, don't eliminate someone as a confidant, just because you don't think they'll understand, or just because they're pregnant and you aren't. When Christina and I first started actually hanging out, which was about the same time as the Infertility walk here in town. I was excited to finally be able to talk to someone about getting pregnant, as she too was also trying. We'd get together and complain about the 2 week wait, or the phantom symptoms. We'd always know where the other person was in their cycle (as sick as that sounds, it's nice to have someone know where exactly you are and when you're next period was due). Then, she went and did the impossible (in my eyes), she went and got pregnant, without me. It's funny, that's how it felt when she told me, like she had just abandoned me, almost like a betrayal. Who was she to get pregnant after 5 months, when my husband and I were still trying, after more than a year and a half - where was the fairness in that? Anyways, after she told me, as you know, I explained to her how I felt - happy for her, but VERY sad for me. She was very understanding, and still stood by me through my fight, from a distance, as I wasn't ready to face her yet! Anyways, you guys know all this - she's been great, and then some. I don't know why, but I find her one of the easiest people to talk to about this fight. I can't explain it... well, I know it has something to do with her sympathy/empathy - she's learned, through trial and error, what to say and what not to say to me during my many emotions. It's definitely a roller coaster ride, to say the least, and she's able to keep up. Today I was feeling bummed (which I must admit, hasn't happened in awhile, I've been really good - I was even surprising myself), so I told her about how I was feeling. She sent me a huge email, just saying stuff like: It's OK and very much expected/needed for me to have bad days when I'm going through what I am and how much she's thinking about us and praying for us and sending me 'E' hugs hehe (Hugs through email). It did make me feel better, but what amazed me even more, was she sent me another email, to my house (as she knew I was no longer at work) and asked again how I was feeling and that she's thinking about me. How sweet is she!?
The government pays for abortions and Viagra?
You know, I've realized that I've also started counting things, but my periods, not by months/weeks. How weird am I!? Like, something is happening in a month, but in my mind, it's one period away. Odd..... need to stop that or people are going to think I'm really losing it.
Sorry, every now and then I have to throw in some 'boring' facts. Well, here are some that might shock you:
Each year, about two percent of women aged 15-44 have an abortion; 47% of them have had at least one previous abortion.
The reasons women give for having an abortion underscore their understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood and family life. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner. Forty-six percent of women who have abortions had not used a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant.
Over 110,000 abortions are performed in Canada every year, that represents a ratio of about 30 abortions to every 100 live births, one of the highest rates among developed countries - Abortions in Canada are provided on request and funded by Medicare, to Canadian citizens and permanent residents (as with most medical procedures) in hospitals across the country. Abortion funding for hospitals comes from the various provincial governments (their overall health expenses are however paid for in part by the federal government). One-third of hospitals perform abortions, and these perform two-thirds of abortions in the country. The remaining abortions are performed by public and private-for-profit clinics. In Quebec, In January 2008, the government decided to fund all abortions without any limitations.
Also, please read the letter below, and make a difference, even if you're not diagnosed yourself:
This is a letter that was in an issue of the IAAC (The Infertility Awareness Association of Canada) Creating Families magazine. It is geared towards Canada but could be altered for use in other countries. For my birthday this year, I am going to request (from the people I have shared our IF journey with) that they send one of these letters instead of a birthday card. I wanted to post it here in case any of you would like to do a copy/paste/send to your local MP (Minister of Parliament)
Mr./Ms. (Full Name), M.P.
House of Commons
Ottawa, Ontario
K1A 0A6
Dear Mr./Ms. (last name)
1. Children are Canada's most valuable future resource. Previous governments have claimed to be concerned about our country's declining birth rate. Yet they have refused to provide crucial assistance for many Canadians who are committed to becoming parents.
2. Nearly one Canadian couple in six experiences infertility problems. Infertility is not a choice. It is a medical condition. These couples need professional assistance in order to conceive. Even so, today's most advanced assisted reproduction technologies (ART) remain beyond their financial means.
3. The new government says that it will stand up for Canada by meeting the needs and interests of Canada's families. Mr. Harper's election platform declared that the family is the building block of society. What about standing up for Canadian couples who want to create their families, but can't - because they need medical assistance to do so - assistance that is often beyond their private means?
4. The new government is committed to relieving financial pressures on low-income and middle-income families bringing up children. It has promised to provide child-care money directly to parents. Will it also provide assistance to couples who want to create families but cannot, without financial access to assisted reproductive technologies?
5. Restricting access to IVF compromises the fertility of woman, causes immense financial hardship to couples requiring assisted conception treatments and makes IVF affordable for well-off couples only.
6. Infertility problems also carry social and economic costs: lost working hours, poor productivity, psychological and psychiatric support to treat stress and depression, and marital breakdowns.
7. The total cost of a refundable tax credit for IVF treatment would be $170 million for the entire country. This represents a little over one tenth of one percent of Canada's $130 billion estimated total health care spending in 2004.
8. Since 1983, over 15,000 children have been born in Canada through assisted reproduction technologies. Today these children - many of whom are now voting age - and their parents and extended families expect our political leaders to courageously and fairly address this important issue, so that all Canadians may share not only the costs but also the public benefits of IVF treatment.
9. It is time for Canada to take a major step forward in health and family policy by guaranteeing funded IVF treatment. I sincerely hope our country's infertile couples may rely on your support.
Yours Truly,
Canadian Infertile Voter
A pretty powerful letter - let's see how many we can get out there!!
Ok, no more journal writing today - officially done - sorry for the long one - had to be done.
-I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.
- I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help.
- If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
- I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
- I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
- Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
- I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
- I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
One more thing, then I'll end my entry for the day :) Don't ever say to anyone going through this: There are worse things out there than infertility, be glad'. To that person you said that to, infertility just may be 'the worst thing'.
I'm tired of being quiet
CD 22 9 DPO - Been awhile since I started an entry with that!! I waiver between wanting to keep track of all that on here, to just keeping you all posted on what's currently going on, without the added numbers :) So there you have it, it'll be a surprise as to how I start my entry for the day hehehe
I remember when I started this journal that I would say what day I was in my cycle, then state any symptoms I was experiencing. Lately, I've been more about... I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I still keep track of my cycle days, what day I'm on and IF any symptoms should appear, I just don't necessarily write them in here anymore. I just feel that my journal has to take a bit of a turn, like I myself have. Like I've said before, I'm tired of being embarrassed about this, I'm tired of being quiet - I'm going to do all I can to make others aware that this even exists - I guess that makes the new direction..... going public!? Ok, so that wasn't a snappy title or anything, but I'm tired, it's all I could come up with on such short notice. :)
Before I forget - I have to say, again, how much I love my friend, Christina - even though she's currently pregnant with twins (b!tch <-- hehe, Sorry honey). For those of you out there, fighting this fight, look around you, don't eliminate someone as a confidant, just because you don't think they'll understand, or just because they're pregnant and you aren't. When Christina and I first started actually hanging out, which was about the same time as the Infertility walk here in town. I was excited to finally be able to talk to someone about getting pregnant, as she too was also trying. We'd get together and complain about the 2 week wait, or the phantom symptoms. We'd always know where the other person was in their cycle (as sick as that sounds, it's nice to have someone know where exactly you are and when you're next period was due). Then, she went and did the impossible (in my eyes), she went and got pregnant, without me. It's funny, that's how it felt when she told me, like she had just abandoned me, almost like a betrayal. Who was she to get pregnant after 5 months, when my husband and I were still trying, after more than a year and a half - where was the fairness in that? Anyways, after she told me, as you know, I explained to her how I felt - happy for her, but VERY sad for me. She was very understanding, and still stood by me through my fight, from a distance, as I wasn't ready to face her yet! Anyways, you guys know all this - she's been great, and then some. I don't know why, but I find her one of the easiest people to talk to about this fight. I can't explain it... well, I know it has something to do with her sympathy/empathy - she's learned, through trial and error, what to say and what not to say to me during my many emotions. It's definitely a roller coaster ride, to say the least, and she's able to keep up. Today I was feeling bummed (which I must admit, hasn't happened in awhile, I've been really good - I was even surprising myself), so I told her about how I was feeling. She sent me a huge email, just saying stuff like: It's OK and very much expected/needed for me to have bad days when I'm going through what I am and how much she's thinking about us and praying for us and sending me 'E' hugs hehe (Hugs through email). It did make me feel better, but what amazed me even more, was she sent me another email, to my house (as she knew I was no longer at work) and asked again how I was feeling and that she's thinking about me. How sweet is she!?
The government pays for abortions and Viagra?
You know, I've realized that I've also started counting things, but my periods, not by months/weeks. How weird am I!? Like, something is happening in a month, but in my mind, it's one period away. Odd..... need to stop that or people are going to think I'm really losing it.
Sorry, every now and then I have to throw in some 'boring' facts. Well, here are some that might shock you:
Each year, about two percent of women aged 15-44 have an abortion; 47% of them have had at least one previous abortion.
The reasons women give for having an abortion underscore their understanding of the responsibilities of parenthood and family life. Three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner. Forty-six percent of women who have abortions had not used a contraceptive method during the month they became pregnant.
Over 110,000 abortions are performed in Canada every year, that represents a ratio of about 30 abortions to every 100 live births, one of the highest rates among developed countries - Abortions in Canada are provided on request and funded by Medicare, to Canadian citizens and permanent residents (as with most medical procedures) in hospitals across the country. Abortion funding for hospitals comes from the various provincial governments (their overall health expenses are however paid for in part by the federal government). One-third of hospitals perform abortions, and these perform two-thirds of abortions in the country. The remaining abortions are performed by public and private-for-profit clinics. In Quebec, In January 2008, the government decided to fund all abortions without any limitations.
Also, please read the letter below, and make a difference, even if you're not diagnosed yourself:
This is a letter that was in an issue of the IAAC (The Infertility Awareness Association of Canada) Creating Families magazine. It is geared towards Canada but could be altered for use in other countries. For my birthday this year, I am going to request (from the people I have shared our IF journey with) that they send one of these letters instead of a birthday card. I wanted to post it here in case any of you would like to do a copy/paste/send to your local MP (Minister of Parliament)
Mr./Ms. (Full Name), M.P.
House of Commons
Ottawa, Ontario
K1A 0A6
Dear Mr./Ms. (last name)
1. Children are Canada's most valuable future resource. Previous governments have claimed to be concerned about our country's declining birth rate. Yet they have refused to provide crucial assistance for many Canadians who are committed to becoming parents.
2. Nearly one Canadian couple in six experiences infertility problems. Infertility is not a choice. It is a medical condition. These couples need professional assistance in order to conceive. Even so, today's most advanced assisted reproduction technologies (ART) remain beyond their financial means.
3. The new government says that it will stand up for Canada by meeting the needs and interests of Canada's families. Mr. Harper's election platform declared that the family is the building block of society. What about standing up for Canadian couples who want to create their families, but can't - because they need medical assistance to do so - assistance that is often beyond their private means?
4. The new government is committed to relieving financial pressures on low-income and middle-income families bringing up children. It has promised to provide child-care money directly to parents. Will it also provide assistance to couples who want to create families but cannot, without financial access to assisted reproductive technologies?
5. Restricting access to IVF compromises the fertility of woman, causes immense financial hardship to couples requiring assisted conception treatments and makes IVF affordable for well-off couples only.
6. Infertility problems also carry social and economic costs: lost working hours, poor productivity, psychological and psychiatric support to treat stress and depression, and marital breakdowns.
7. The total cost of a refundable tax credit for IVF treatment would be $170 million for the entire country. This represents a little over one tenth of one percent of Canada's $130 billion estimated total health care spending in 2004.
8. Since 1983, over 15,000 children have been born in Canada through assisted reproduction technologies. Today these children - many of whom are now voting age - and their parents and extended families expect our political leaders to courageously and fairly address this important issue, so that all Canadians may share not only the costs but also the public benefits of IVF treatment.
9. It is time for Canada to take a major step forward in health and family policy by guaranteeing funded IVF treatment. I sincerely hope our country's infertile couples may rely on your support.
Yours Truly,
Canadian Infertile Voter
A pretty powerful letter - let's see how many we can get out there!!
Ok, no more journal writing today - officially done - sorry for the long one - had to be done.
We're infertile
Dusty and I finally arguing?
I don't know. Maybe the stress of this TTC thing is getting to Dusty and I, finally!? It's been just over 2 years now, and I do believe, it's finally hit us. Not 'hit us' as in .. we just realized what's going on, but 'hit us' as in, the stress of what we're going through, finally showing through!? It's frustrating for me, there's such simple things that Dusty can do, that he's just not doing, He has the easy things to do: have sex at the right time of the month, which we have covered, trying for a baby or not. But then there's things like: exercise and drinking more water that he's just not doing. How easy it is to workout for 15 minutes a day and drink more water? It doesn't get much easier than that, but he's still not doing them. Finally, last week, I got mad at him and stormed off - which in turn made him feel guilty, and he went and worked out. For all the things I've been through, I don't think it's too much, the things I'm asking him to do. It sometimes makes me wonder if he really wants this in the first place. I'm sure he does, but he just doesn't seem to want to do any work for it to happen. I've explained to him that we can't keep doing the same things, and expect a different result - that's just stupidity, if you ask me. In my opinion, you keep doing the same things, and you're going to keep getting the same result - don't change, and we won't get pregnant - it's as easy as that!! It's not like I'm asking him to start working out for 2 hours a day, or to go to various appointments, many times a week, or even for him to start getting needles, like I had to do. He uses the excuse of: 'But I don't feel like it or I don't want to'. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like going to work everyday, but I go. I don't feel like getting up at 5:15 every morning so I can workout before work, but I do. I didn't feel like getting needles in my belly and getting a Dr to put my husbands sperm in me, but I did. Hell, if I only did things I felt like doing, I wouldn't be doing much! I don't know, maybe another year of this is going to be too much, for both of us!? I feel like I'm the only one in this partnership, doing anything to try to get pregnant - and it can't continue like this, it really can't. This is a partnership, not me being a single woman and trying to do it on my own. Without my husbands help in all this, I may as well just admit that it's not going to happen, and carry on with life, without the added stresses of trying to conceive.
I'm sure he's stressed by this entire situation too, but come on, talk about it or something. I've told him that before, to talk about it, let it out. It's the only way I've made it through as far as I have, by talking about it with friends and family and by writing my feelings down in this journal. Every time I bring up the subject, he just says that he thinks about it all the time too, and he's frustrated. I know men and women deal with the pressures of trying to conceive, differently, so I don't know how to go about getting him to talk about it - even if it's not with me - talk to someone else, write your feelings down in a journal, just do something.
Our journey has brought us to a point, that if we want anything to happen, we're going to have to start paying more and more. Yes, we're done with fertility treatments, but now we have to try other things like: acupuncture by someone who specializes in infertility - meaning paying a lot more for it. Trying a Naturopath, which in turn, costs more. I'm not sure what else we can do. Whatever we do, we have to do something, we can't just sit around and wait for it to happen, and change nothing. Or maybe that's just my way of thinking? Maybe Dusty thinks that if we just keep trying the same things, calm down, think about it less, and just carry on, that it'll happen, eventually!? Thinking about it less - for me, not possible. That won't happen until we've officially given up and even then, I'll still think about it. I'll never be 'at peace' or accept it, if it's not meant to be, that's not in my nature. I've read other womens stories and they mention that they finally realized that they knew it just wasn’t meant to be, and finally became at peace with it. I personally, think they might be lying. How can you ever be 'at peace' with something you want so badly - but will never have? How can you ever be 'at peace' with not having a family, like all others you see? For me, that won't be. If we decide we've done all we can, and are done, I might, one day, be able to deal with it, but I'll never accept it, or be 'at peace' with it. Maybe men are different.!? Maybe Dusty figures that if it doesn't happen, oh well, we tried, and he'll be able to move on, and not look back? I can now see why many couples haven't made it through this, why it broke them up - the stress is incredible.
We have to deal with things on a daily basis, that would bring others to their knees. I have to be at work, each and every day, sitting in front of a pregnant person. Knowing that when I hear her eating crackers, it's probably because she's feeling nauseous, from morning sickness - a sickness I'd die to have myself. Dusty has to be a volunteer fire fighter, and planning and hearing about the Christmas party for the little kids of the families, knowing that he might never be able to join in. Dusty and I decided we might want to try going to a Naturopath, but we were going to shop around first. We wanted to find one that we felt comfortable with, and one who knew something about infertility - as we've dealt with many, who are clueless - medical Drs included. We saw 3 in a span of a few days. Just quick, 15 minutes, interviews with them. We asked questions and learned what they could do for us. One of them we saw, actually said to me 'You have to stop thinking about it all the time, trick your mind into thinking that you're not even trying, it has to be done!' Excuse me - you want me to do WHAT? <-- Obviously she's never, herself, dealt with infertility and the pains that come along with it. Which in turn, makes me think she hasn't really dealt with a couple suffering with it for as long as we have. Scratch that one, on to the next. Another one we saw, said 'I'd put you on a 'cleanse' diet for 3 - 4 months, and in that time, you're not allowed to try to get pregnant. You've been thinking about it too much, focusing on it too much, you need a break..' <-- Again, excuse me? And just who do you think you are, telling me when I can and can't try to get pregnant? Who are you to tell me I'm focusing on it too much and I need a break? It's my damn body, and I'll decide when it's time to take a break! It's just incredible............
Yes, people, when you're fighting something like infertility, you're going to think about it, you're going to focus on it, it's going to consume you - welcome to Infertility. But, even after saying that, it's not a bad thing, I swear. OK, Dusty and I are arguing now, but hey, comes with any marriage. It's not like I'm thinking about it 24 hours a day (I swear, it's only about 16 hours a day hehe). It's not like I hibernate and don't do anything and have gone into a major depression - far from it. When I get my period, yeah, I'm seriously depressed, THAT day, but then I keep my chin up and carry on, like usual. I laugh, I joke, I'm still a wife and a mother of a pretty kick ass 15 year old daughter. It just amazes me that strangers (Drs, friends, family, random people, acupuncturists) are telling me I'm stressing too much, I'm thinking about it too much!? Put it this way, if you were diagnosed with... cancer - would you be thinking about it too much? Stressing about it too much? Are people telling you, you need a break and to trick your mind into thinking that you don't actually have it!? NO!! <-- They say that the stress associated with infertility, is the same as if you were diagnosed with HIV or cancer - so why are we treated any different!? Yes, we're not dying, but the stress and thought processes are the same. Think about that for a minute.....
Anyways, a bit off topic... I'm going to have to have a talk with Dusty and see what we can figure out... and make sure we keep our communication lines open, at all times. He's going to have to at least try my simple ideas to help us, if even to only make me happier - come on, we've all done things we didn't really want to do, to make our husbands/wives happier. He has to be there for me, as I'm always, and forever, here for him.
I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out
CD 23 - 11DPO - It's been awhile since I've written in here again, oops. Not much has been happening though. It's just a couple days past Christmas and it was a good one. Dusty and I both worked on Christmas eve, so we went to Mom and Dads about 7PM. We had a great visit with the whole family - it was nice. Let's see, what else is new. Well, it'll be mine and Dustys first year anniversary in just 3 sleeps - wow, how the time flies. It's been a year - this time last year, there was some serious panicking and pandemonium going on. Sometimes it feels like it's been way shorter than a year, other times however, it seems like a lot longer. We've been through so much in the past year - more than most couples who have been married the same amount of time, I'm sure. I have to say though, that it's made us stronger as a couple. We're closer than we've ever been. Yes, as stated before, there have been tougher times, but hey, that's to be expected. All in all, it's been a good year.
Another thing, as stated above, I'm 11 DPO and getting more and more anxious to take my temp in the morning. Comes with the territory, but man, I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out! I really don't need to take my temp anymore, but it just helps me feel like I'm doing something, anything. And besides, taking my temp gives me a fore warning about my upcoming period. It sucks either way to get it, so I may as well have a couple hours/a days notice that the bitch is on her way.
Last month, I had a HUGE temp drop at 6DPO, which I was hoping was the famous Implantation Dip that everyone talks about - turns out, I'm not that lucky, as my period came, as usual. Though, my temp didn't drop before I got it, so that was a surprise/shock.
This month, I've had another huge temp drop at 5DPO, and yes, again I'm praying it's an implantation dip <-- Come on, a girl can dream. That, and for the past couple days I've had a fairly stuff nose, but no other 'cold' symptom - which is highly unusual for me. Oh, and last night, I felt sick all of a sudden and had to hover over the toilet for a few minutes!! <-- Come on baby, let me get a positive pregnancy test on our one year anniversary!! I really don't think it's too much of me to ask, after all this time. What could be a more perfect anniversary present to Dusty, than to finally tell him we're pregnant!? <-- Pray with me please..........
My temp is still way up today. In fact, it went quite low again yesterday - leading me to believe that I was going to get my period yesterday or today. Yesterday it was 98.2 and today it went to 98.6 - come on baby, keep going up - let's make this finally happen. Besides, it'll really suck to get my period on our anniversary - talk about put a damper on your day!
Oh, should I also mention that it's only 58 short sleeps until we leave on our honeymoon? That's right ladies and gentlemen, 58 sleeps until we're on a cruise ship for a glorious 14 days of pure bliss!! Man, we can't wait. In just a few days, we can officially say 'Next month we're going on a cruise'.
Praying soooooo hard that the 2 year mark will be our lucky month - I can't tell you how much we want this to happen, tho I'm sure you have an idea!! :)
Our 1st year anniversary
December 31st - Well, it's official, we've made it a year into our marriage - yay us. Thinking back on the last year, I'm more and more certain that Dusty is my true soul mate. He is not just my husband, and my lover, but my best friend. Who knew my Mom would turn out to be right - her words 'You should marry your best friend, then, when times get hard, you have that to fall back on, the friendship'. During our teenage years we think our parents know nothing, after all, they're 'old', they don't understand what we're going through. Then, later on in life, we start to realize that they know what they're talking about - thank God for parents!!
Dusty and I had a fabulous day. Mariah is up North visiting her other family, so it was just a day for us and no one else. We went out for coffee, then went and did some running around. While we were in the mall shopping, Dusty bought me a Build A Bear - it's pink and has hearts on it - it's cute. Then, we went to the local 'Sex Store' and browsed in there, purchasing a game... a game to be done when Mariah is not here hahaha We came back here for a couple hours, hung out, then got ready and went for supper. It was nice. It was good that Mariah was away, because this way, we went and I didn't feel guilty about leaving her at home. While at dinner, Dusty told me that he was trying to plan a surprise for me. He was going to rent the same room we stayed in the night of our wedding, but, unfortunately, it was already booked. It's the thought that counts, but that would have been a GREAT surprise.
We came back home after dinner, popped open the champagne and watched our wedding/engagement slideshow and reveled in the fact that we're married, after so many years of just being friends. Just goes to show you that life has ways of surprising you. After the champagne, we played our game - to which I won <-- I had to add that - I was the winner, enough said, I won't tell you how I won hahaha
We hung out for the last couple hours, then toasted in the New Year with more champagne and a kiss. All in all, a fabulous day!
We're infertile.
January 1st 2009 - It's a good thing we had such a good day yesterday, because we got to bring in the New Year, with a good healthy dose of reality, to remind us, once again, that we're infertile. I guess it's a blessing that it didn't happen on our anniversary (though I had an idea it was going to happen, right before bed). Such a rude and sad reminder to start off the year - so unfair. Really, there's no good day to get your period when you're struggling with infertility, but man, talk about making a sad start to a new year!!
Officially 25 months of trying now!! Man, that's a long time, a long time that we've put our lives on hold, in a way. You do that, when you're battling infertility, you put things on hold, just in case you get pregnant. We didn't book our honeymoon, for fear that I'd get pregnant and then we'd be unable to go. I've put off looking for a new job, for fear I'd get pregnant and not qualify for maternity leave anymore. You get in a cycle, a cycle of hope and anticipation, followed shortly by grief and despair, over and over again.
I actually find it amazing, that after so many months of disappointments and heartache, that we still even have any hope left. Yet month after month, we're both praying that it's finally happened, hoping that we've finally beat it. Where does this hope come from, and will it finally disappear one day? Again, an unanswerable question.
On a daily basis I have to face my Infertility, with Katy being pregnant, sitting right behind me. I talk to her about her pregnancy and her appointments and such, but it hurts, as it reminds me, daily, what she has, that I'd myself, die for. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of supporting her, least in my mind I am. I'm not sure how I'd feel, if the roles were reversed and she was the infertile one, while I was the pregnant one. Would I even talk to her about my issues, would I want to hear about her struggles, or would the entire topic of pregnancy/infertility be taboo - just easier to avoid the topics entirely? Who knows, as the roles aren't reversed, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone - so I guess I'm the one stuck with it, the one battling and wondering what it would be like to be pregnant.
One of the issues Katy is having is that she's terribly sick and can't eat. She informed me the other day that she's had to tell our lead Dispatch at work, that she's pregnant. She fore warned me in case it gets out, even though she's told her not to tell ANYONE. But, it being an office situation, someone could slip and the secret would be out. If it gets out, before we go on our honeymoon, I'm not sure what I'll do. I honestly don't think I could handle, sitting in front of her, and listening to people always coming up to her and congratulating her and just basically talking to her about the pregnancy. If I had to guess, I'd either quit work, or at the very least, take a leave - if that's even possible. I think my talking to her the way we are now, is all I can handle for the moment, and anything more than that, would be too much for me to right now. What we're planning on doing, is Katy is going to tell people about her being pregnant, after we go on our honeymoon. Then it'll give people enough time to say their congrats and talk to her, and it be a bit of 'old news' by the time I get back to work. I'm sure people will still talk to her about it, and that scares me. Katy and I both think that when she tells people, she's also going to send them my journal, and ask them to read it, to give everyone an idea of what Dusty and I have been through, and to give them an idea of why they shouldn't be talking about it with me there. <-- Is that unfair? Probably, but I'm dealing with this entire situation, the best way I know how. This fight doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant people, or how to deal with pregnancy announcements, or even on how to deal with everyday life while battling it. It's all I can do to keep my chin above water at times, hoping, someday, it'll get easier. Or better yet, hoping, someday, we too will be able to experience what everyone around me, or so it seems, is experiencing - pregnancy.
There's another thing bothering me - I may as well get it all out, here and now. My friend, J, the friend that her and her girlfriend were going through IUI's at the same time, is no longer talking to me. What the fuck is up with that, pardon my French! :) I'm sure it's the fact that she doesn't know what to say to me anymore. She's scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting me, so she just avoids me and the entire topic. But, it also feels like, she was just a friend and someone to talk to, when we were both going through the treatments, and now that her and her girlfriend have had success and are pregnant, that she no longer needs me. They've moved on and left me in their dust. Who knows, but it's kinda of made me feel like... a leper, like I have some sort of terminal disease that she's scared of catching!? For me, it would be much better that she talk to me, tell me that she's scared of saying the wrong thing, and even chance saying the wrong thing. That, in my eyes, would be much better than her just stopping contact all together. She should risk saying the wrong thing, as long as I know she's still there for me. I'm not shy, if you say something that offends me, I'll let you know, and forgive you. So many people don't have a clue what to say to us infertiles. They're not sure if they should bring it up, or avoid the topic or ask how it's going with treatments or just plain keep their distance from us. We're not contagious, you're not going to 'catch' what we have, we have feelings too. In fact, most of us want you to ask how it's going, ask us if there's anything they can do for us, even if it's only to listen to us vent and cry. Just knowing someone is there for you, is huge. When I get my period, the only thing you need to say is 'Sorry'.. nothing more. We don't want you to try to fix it for us, just let us know you're trying to understand and that you're there for us if we need it. Such an easy thing, and yet, so many people don't get it.
Now that it's a new year, I think we're going to look more into starting a 'Trust fund' for our future IVF, if it comes to that. Dusty and I are more than willing to try it, as it'll give us the best chance at having the child we so desperately want, but, without some help, we can't afford it. Mom is going to look into it a bit more, about starting up the 'Fund' and Christina, is also looking into it as well - asking Non Profit organizations how someone would go about doing such a thing, and how to get the word out. Weird, I always said I didn't want the world knowing about my (very) personal life, but now, I'd do anything for it to finally happen. I'm not one for asking for help, but I think it's come to the point that if we don't ask, there's a good chance we won't get pregnant.
Help a friend
Where to start. where to start!? Things have been moving a bit more these days - with respect to the 'going public' thing. I'm actually going to be calling Mom tonight or tomorrow night and asking how it's going on the trust fund front. Christina has asked to take on the role of writing an email that will go out to people, who don't have a clue who we are. I must say, she's done one version of it already, and it's awesome!! Here it is: (Sorry Christina, I know you're changing it to sound better, but I love this one, as well)
Help a friend
I am asking for your help on behalf of a good friend of mine. This request is very unusual, as I would like you to consider a donation to a trust fund. Please read on, as I hope you will understand why I am writing to you on behalf of my friend.
My friend Shawna and her husband, Dusty have been trying to conceive a baby for the last 25 months. You may now ask “So what? They should just relax and it will happen when they least expect it!” or maybe you think “why don’t they just adopt”? If that is your reaction, you are probably within the norm of the general population. These are the questions and reactions that Shawna and Dusty have faced for the last two years. What you probably don’t realize is how heartbreaking and hurtful these reactions are. These two loving and kind people have been seriously trying to conceive for over two years and have been unsuccessful. They have done everything right, from nutrition to exercise, the timing of the month and even fertility treatments. Nothing has worked so far. Each and every month brings new heartbreak to them, because they are faced with the fact that they are infertile.
I have been blessed to have known Shawna for almost two years. She and her husband are two of the funniest, generous and kind people that I know. Initially I had no idea what they were going through, until we started talking about the issue of having kids. Bit by bit I learned more about their struggle, and I have often been reduced to tears reading about Shawna’s struggles. One simply cannot imagine what it means not being able to conceive, and it breaks my heart to know that my friend is in so much pain because the thing that should come naturally to every woman is not happening for her.
Before you shrug and stop reading here, I would like you to consider this: Did you know that 1 in __ couples face issues with infertility?
Why did you not hear about this in the media? It seems that infertility is still an issue in society that we don’t want to talk about. What is more natural than to conceive a baby? It is the easiest and simplest thing in the world. Not quite!
I personally know of three couples who are not able to conceive and have resorted to or will need to resort to In Vitro Fertilization. In addition to these 6 people, I also know of another 4 women in my circle of friends who have had one or more miscarriages. These numbers make it very clear to me that conceiving a baby and carrying it to term are not simple things they are made out to be.
Shawna and Dusty wish for nothing more than to have a child of their own. They have literally put their lives on hold for the past two years in the hope of conceiving. They are now at the point where their chances of conceiving naturally (on their own) is a 5% chance. As these are very slim chances, they would like to try In Vitro Fertilization (“IVF”) which gives them at least a 50% chance. Unfortunately, IVF is a very expensive medical procedure which costs around $10,000 per try and none of it is covered by Medicare (quite laughable when you consider that Viagra is covered by most extended medical plans). I am sure you can appreciate that not many of us have $10,000 lying around the house, waiting to be spent. Dusty and Shawna are in the same situation; they have spent thousands already on other – less invasive – fertility treatments and now simply don’t have the cash to afford this one last chance.
Therefore, I am asking you to help make their dream come true. Friends and family of the couple have set up a trust fund at ______ and we would appreciate your contribution.
Even if you cannot contribute to the trust fund, I encourage you to spread the message and forward this email to your friends and family. I not only want to help my friend Shawna, but also would like inform people about the issue of infertility and its devastating effects for the couple who is trying to conceive.
When you find some time, please read Shawna’s journal, which you can find at the following website. It chronicles her trials and tribulations over the past 25 months. I found it to be an extremely fascinating and spell binding read, which really showed me how heart wrenching infertility is for the affected couple.
How was that for a good letter!? I'm not sure how she thinks she can make it better, but I'll keep you all posted.
Also, Tanya had suggested that maybe I could advertise on Facebook. So, one night I went on there and typed : 'Infertility' in the 'Search' box. Low and behold, I found a few infertility support groups. As I was reading my way through a couple of them, I came across a thread titled: 'Anyone else in Vancouver BC?' Well, I'm not, but thought I'd reply anyways, saying I was close, I was in Victoria. Well, that started a chain reaction and there are now 4 of us women, from BC, all battling infertility. Straight away we all felt very comfortable with each other, and realized we all had about the same personalities - that doesn't happen often. We've all been chatting back n forth for a few days now, and it's been great!! We all know that each of us is there for the other, fully knowing, that at some point, we're going to need to lean on the other. That's another thing you learn while going through this, is that your best friends, will turn out to be people you met online and have bared your heart and soul to, long before you ever met, face to face.
Also, we had gotten a number from Dr M, for the local Infertility Support Group. Seems, maybe they don't want us to join!? I've personally emailed this woman (the 'leader') twice - once the email bounced back to me, and the other time, well, I have yet to hear back from her (and it's been about 2 months now). And now Dusty has even called, left a message, and again, we have yet to hear back!? We realize that she isn't paid to do any of this, that it's probably strictly done on a volunteer basis, but, if you can't even reply to an email or give someone a call back, maybe you're not the right one for the job!? It was very important to me to talk to someone who understood what we were going through, I was going crazy. If it weren't for 'My Girls' (My new Infertility Support Group' aka Just4Today) I don't know where I'd be right now. Yes, it's only been a few days, but by just knowing they're there for me if I need it - that they're there for me and can totally understand my feelings and heartaches, is huge. Thanks girls. :) There's one, Kim, from up North, Shannon from Kelowna, Natalie from Vancouver, and.... well... me. I hope some day, we can meet in person!
I really am tired of being quiet about the entire situation. At first, yes, I was embarrassed that I was even diagnosed with infertility - I didn't want to tell anyone, It comes with a certain.... stigma. You can see that people look at you differently. That when you do get the courage to talk about it, their faces glaze over and you can see they're no where around - probably going through their list of things to do, in their head. Most people think "Relax, it'll happen as soon as you stop trying, you're stressing too much.' <-- Ok, let's go over that thinking. Number 1, I've been medically diagnosed with Infertility, it's not something that's in my head. So that's like telling someone with cancer 'Relax, stop thinking about it and it'll go away' <-- No one in their right mind would say something like that to someone with cancer, so why do people think it's ok to say that to someone with Infertility? 9 times out of 10, if you knew someone who got pregnant after just relaxing, they weren't technically infertile, since sitting back on the couch with a glass of wine, is NOT going to get an infertile, pregnant. And also, when someone looks at me and says 'Relax', basically what they're saying, is it's fault that I'm not pregnant - because I'm not relaxed. What about the first year of trying - when I was relaxed and not stressing about it - why didn't I get pregnant then? <-- Think about that for a minute. And please, please, don't tell someone that maybe they just weren't meant to be parents!! If you say that, then you're also saying that the crack whore down the street, with crack addicted babies was 'meant to have babies' while they weren't. Or that the Moms or Dads who beat their children and lock them in closets, were 'meant to have babies', but they were not. Please, I ask you, do not say that! Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
I don't know. Maybe the stress of this TTC thing is getting to Dusty and I, finally!? It's been just over 2 years now, and I do believe, it's finally hit us. Not 'hit us' as in .. we just realized what's going on, but 'hit us' as in, the stress of what we're going through, finally showing through!? It's frustrating for me, there's such simple things that Dusty can do, that he's just not doing, He has the easy things to do: have sex at the right time of the month, which we have covered, trying for a baby or not. But then there's things like: exercise and drinking more water that he's just not doing. How easy it is to workout for 15 minutes a day and drink more water? It doesn't get much easier than that, but he's still not doing them. Finally, last week, I got mad at him and stormed off - which in turn made him feel guilty, and he went and worked out. For all the things I've been through, I don't think it's too much, the things I'm asking him to do. It sometimes makes me wonder if he really wants this in the first place. I'm sure he does, but he just doesn't seem to want to do any work for it to happen. I've explained to him that we can't keep doing the same things, and expect a different result - that's just stupidity, if you ask me. In my opinion, you keep doing the same things, and you're going to keep getting the same result - don't change, and we won't get pregnant - it's as easy as that!! It's not like I'm asking him to start working out for 2 hours a day, or to go to various appointments, many times a week, or even for him to start getting needles, like I had to do. He uses the excuse of: 'But I don't feel like it or I don't want to'. I'm sorry, but I don't feel like going to work everyday, but I go. I don't feel like getting up at 5:15 every morning so I can workout before work, but I do. I didn't feel like getting needles in my belly and getting a Dr to put my husbands sperm in me, but I did. Hell, if I only did things I felt like doing, I wouldn't be doing much! I don't know, maybe another year of this is going to be too much, for both of us!? I feel like I'm the only one in this partnership, doing anything to try to get pregnant - and it can't continue like this, it really can't. This is a partnership, not me being a single woman and trying to do it on my own. Without my husbands help in all this, I may as well just admit that it's not going to happen, and carry on with life, without the added stresses of trying to conceive.
I'm sure he's stressed by this entire situation too, but come on, talk about it or something. I've told him that before, to talk about it, let it out. It's the only way I've made it through as far as I have, by talking about it with friends and family and by writing my feelings down in this journal. Every time I bring up the subject, he just says that he thinks about it all the time too, and he's frustrated. I know men and women deal with the pressures of trying to conceive, differently, so I don't know how to go about getting him to talk about it - even if it's not with me - talk to someone else, write your feelings down in a journal, just do something.
Our journey has brought us to a point, that if we want anything to happen, we're going to have to start paying more and more. Yes, we're done with fertility treatments, but now we have to try other things like: acupuncture by someone who specializes in infertility - meaning paying a lot more for it. Trying a Naturopath, which in turn, costs more. I'm not sure what else we can do. Whatever we do, we have to do something, we can't just sit around and wait for it to happen, and change nothing. Or maybe that's just my way of thinking? Maybe Dusty thinks that if we just keep trying the same things, calm down, think about it less, and just carry on, that it'll happen, eventually!? Thinking about it less - for me, not possible. That won't happen until we've officially given up and even then, I'll still think about it. I'll never be 'at peace' or accept it, if it's not meant to be, that's not in my nature. I've read other womens stories and they mention that they finally realized that they knew it just wasn’t meant to be, and finally became at peace with it. I personally, think they might be lying. How can you ever be 'at peace' with something you want so badly - but will never have? How can you ever be 'at peace' with not having a family, like all others you see? For me, that won't be. If we decide we've done all we can, and are done, I might, one day, be able to deal with it, but I'll never accept it, or be 'at peace' with it. Maybe men are different.!? Maybe Dusty figures that if it doesn't happen, oh well, we tried, and he'll be able to move on, and not look back? I can now see why many couples haven't made it through this, why it broke them up - the stress is incredible.
We have to deal with things on a daily basis, that would bring others to their knees. I have to be at work, each and every day, sitting in front of a pregnant person. Knowing that when I hear her eating crackers, it's probably because she's feeling nauseous, from morning sickness - a sickness I'd die to have myself. Dusty has to be a volunteer fire fighter, and planning and hearing about the Christmas party for the little kids of the families, knowing that he might never be able to join in. Dusty and I decided we might want to try going to a Naturopath, but we were going to shop around first. We wanted to find one that we felt comfortable with, and one who knew something about infertility - as we've dealt with many, who are clueless - medical Drs included. We saw 3 in a span of a few days. Just quick, 15 minutes, interviews with them. We asked questions and learned what they could do for us. One of them we saw, actually said to me 'You have to stop thinking about it all the time, trick your mind into thinking that you're not even trying, it has to be done!' Excuse me - you want me to do WHAT? <-- Obviously she's never, herself, dealt with infertility and the pains that come along with it. Which in turn, makes me think she hasn't really dealt with a couple suffering with it for as long as we have. Scratch that one, on to the next. Another one we saw, said 'I'd put you on a 'cleanse' diet for 3 - 4 months, and in that time, you're not allowed to try to get pregnant. You've been thinking about it too much, focusing on it too much, you need a break..' <-- Again, excuse me? And just who do you think you are, telling me when I can and can't try to get pregnant? Who are you to tell me I'm focusing on it too much and I need a break? It's my damn body, and I'll decide when it's time to take a break! It's just incredible............
Yes, people, when you're fighting something like infertility, you're going to think about it, you're going to focus on it, it's going to consume you - welcome to Infertility. But, even after saying that, it's not a bad thing, I swear. OK, Dusty and I are arguing now, but hey, comes with any marriage. It's not like I'm thinking about it 24 hours a day (I swear, it's only about 16 hours a day hehe). It's not like I hibernate and don't do anything and have gone into a major depression - far from it. When I get my period, yeah, I'm seriously depressed, THAT day, but then I keep my chin up and carry on, like usual. I laugh, I joke, I'm still a wife and a mother of a pretty kick ass 15 year old daughter. It just amazes me that strangers (Drs, friends, family, random people, acupuncturists) are telling me I'm stressing too much, I'm thinking about it too much!? Put it this way, if you were diagnosed with... cancer - would you be thinking about it too much? Stressing about it too much? Are people telling you, you need a break and to trick your mind into thinking that you don't actually have it!? NO!! <-- They say that the stress associated with infertility, is the same as if you were diagnosed with HIV or cancer - so why are we treated any different!? Yes, we're not dying, but the stress and thought processes are the same. Think about that for a minute.....
Anyways, a bit off topic... I'm going to have to have a talk with Dusty and see what we can figure out... and make sure we keep our communication lines open, at all times. He's going to have to at least try my simple ideas to help us, if even to only make me happier - come on, we've all done things we didn't really want to do, to make our husbands/wives happier. He has to be there for me, as I'm always, and forever, here for him.
I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out
CD 23 - 11DPO - It's been awhile since I've written in here again, oops. Not much has been happening though. It's just a couple days past Christmas and it was a good one. Dusty and I both worked on Christmas eve, so we went to Mom and Dads about 7PM. We had a great visit with the whole family - it was nice. Let's see, what else is new. Well, it'll be mine and Dustys first year anniversary in just 3 sleeps - wow, how the time flies. It's been a year - this time last year, there was some serious panicking and pandemonium going on. Sometimes it feels like it's been way shorter than a year, other times however, it seems like a lot longer. We've been through so much in the past year - more than most couples who have been married the same amount of time, I'm sure. I have to say though, that it's made us stronger as a couple. We're closer than we've ever been. Yes, as stated before, there have been tougher times, but hey, that's to be expected. All in all, it's been a good year.
Another thing, as stated above, I'm 11 DPO and getting more and more anxious to take my temp in the morning. Comes with the territory, but man, I can't wait til I'm pregnant and can throw that damn thermometer out! I really don't need to take my temp anymore, but it just helps me feel like I'm doing something, anything. And besides, taking my temp gives me a fore warning about my upcoming period. It sucks either way to get it, so I may as well have a couple hours/a days notice that the bitch is on her way.
Last month, I had a HUGE temp drop at 6DPO, which I was hoping was the famous Implantation Dip that everyone talks about - turns out, I'm not that lucky, as my period came, as usual. Though, my temp didn't drop before I got it, so that was a surprise/shock.
This month, I've had another huge temp drop at 5DPO, and yes, again I'm praying it's an implantation dip <-- Come on, a girl can dream. That, and for the past couple days I've had a fairly stuff nose, but no other 'cold' symptom - which is highly unusual for me. Oh, and last night, I felt sick all of a sudden and had to hover over the toilet for a few minutes!! <-- Come on baby, let me get a positive pregnancy test on our one year anniversary!! I really don't think it's too much of me to ask, after all this time. What could be a more perfect anniversary present to Dusty, than to finally tell him we're pregnant!? <-- Pray with me please..........
My temp is still way up today. In fact, it went quite low again yesterday - leading me to believe that I was going to get my period yesterday or today. Yesterday it was 98.2 and today it went to 98.6 - come on baby, keep going up - let's make this finally happen. Besides, it'll really suck to get my period on our anniversary - talk about put a damper on your day!
Oh, should I also mention that it's only 58 short sleeps until we leave on our honeymoon? That's right ladies and gentlemen, 58 sleeps until we're on a cruise ship for a glorious 14 days of pure bliss!! Man, we can't wait. In just a few days, we can officially say 'Next month we're going on a cruise'.
Praying soooooo hard that the 2 year mark will be our lucky month - I can't tell you how much we want this to happen, tho I'm sure you have an idea!! :)
Our 1st year anniversary
December 31st - Well, it's official, we've made it a year into our marriage - yay us. Thinking back on the last year, I'm more and more certain that Dusty is my true soul mate. He is not just my husband, and my lover, but my best friend. Who knew my Mom would turn out to be right - her words 'You should marry your best friend, then, when times get hard, you have that to fall back on, the friendship'. During our teenage years we think our parents know nothing, after all, they're 'old', they don't understand what we're going through. Then, later on in life, we start to realize that they know what they're talking about - thank God for parents!!
Dusty and I had a fabulous day. Mariah is up North visiting her other family, so it was just a day for us and no one else. We went out for coffee, then went and did some running around. While we were in the mall shopping, Dusty bought me a Build A Bear - it's pink and has hearts on it - it's cute. Then, we went to the local 'Sex Store' and browsed in there, purchasing a game... a game to be done when Mariah is not here hahaha We came back here for a couple hours, hung out, then got ready and went for supper. It was nice. It was good that Mariah was away, because this way, we went and I didn't feel guilty about leaving her at home. While at dinner, Dusty told me that he was trying to plan a surprise for me. He was going to rent the same room we stayed in the night of our wedding, but, unfortunately, it was already booked. It's the thought that counts, but that would have been a GREAT surprise.
We came back home after dinner, popped open the champagne and watched our wedding/engagement slideshow and reveled in the fact that we're married, after so many years of just being friends. Just goes to show you that life has ways of surprising you. After the champagne, we played our game - to which I won <-- I had to add that - I was the winner, enough said, I won't tell you how I won hahaha
We hung out for the last couple hours, then toasted in the New Year with more champagne and a kiss. All in all, a fabulous day!
We're infertile.
January 1st 2009 - It's a good thing we had such a good day yesterday, because we got to bring in the New Year, with a good healthy dose of reality, to remind us, once again, that we're infertile. I guess it's a blessing that it didn't happen on our anniversary (though I had an idea it was going to happen, right before bed). Such a rude and sad reminder to start off the year - so unfair. Really, there's no good day to get your period when you're struggling with infertility, but man, talk about making a sad start to a new year!!
Officially 25 months of trying now!! Man, that's a long time, a long time that we've put our lives on hold, in a way. You do that, when you're battling infertility, you put things on hold, just in case you get pregnant. We didn't book our honeymoon, for fear that I'd get pregnant and then we'd be unable to go. I've put off looking for a new job, for fear I'd get pregnant and not qualify for maternity leave anymore. You get in a cycle, a cycle of hope and anticipation, followed shortly by grief and despair, over and over again.
I actually find it amazing, that after so many months of disappointments and heartache, that we still even have any hope left. Yet month after month, we're both praying that it's finally happened, hoping that we've finally beat it. Where does this hope come from, and will it finally disappear one day? Again, an unanswerable question.
On a daily basis I have to face my Infertility, with Katy being pregnant, sitting right behind me. I talk to her about her pregnancy and her appointments and such, but it hurts, as it reminds me, daily, what she has, that I'd myself, die for. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of supporting her, least in my mind I am. I'm not sure how I'd feel, if the roles were reversed and she was the infertile one, while I was the pregnant one. Would I even talk to her about my issues, would I want to hear about her struggles, or would the entire topic of pregnancy/infertility be taboo - just easier to avoid the topics entirely? Who knows, as the roles aren't reversed, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone - so I guess I'm the one stuck with it, the one battling and wondering what it would be like to be pregnant.
One of the issues Katy is having is that she's terribly sick and can't eat. She informed me the other day that she's had to tell our lead Dispatch at work, that she's pregnant. She fore warned me in case it gets out, even though she's told her not to tell ANYONE. But, it being an office situation, someone could slip and the secret would be out. If it gets out, before we go on our honeymoon, I'm not sure what I'll do. I honestly don't think I could handle, sitting in front of her, and listening to people always coming up to her and congratulating her and just basically talking to her about the pregnancy. If I had to guess, I'd either quit work, or at the very least, take a leave - if that's even possible. I think my talking to her the way we are now, is all I can handle for the moment, and anything more than that, would be too much for me to right now. What we're planning on doing, is Katy is going to tell people about her being pregnant, after we go on our honeymoon. Then it'll give people enough time to say their congrats and talk to her, and it be a bit of 'old news' by the time I get back to work. I'm sure people will still talk to her about it, and that scares me. Katy and I both think that when she tells people, she's also going to send them my journal, and ask them to read it, to give everyone an idea of what Dusty and I have been through, and to give them an idea of why they shouldn't be talking about it with me there. <-- Is that unfair? Probably, but I'm dealing with this entire situation, the best way I know how. This fight doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant people, or how to deal with pregnancy announcements, or even on how to deal with everyday life while battling it. It's all I can do to keep my chin above water at times, hoping, someday, it'll get easier. Or better yet, hoping, someday, we too will be able to experience what everyone around me, or so it seems, is experiencing - pregnancy.
There's another thing bothering me - I may as well get it all out, here and now. My friend, J, the friend that her and her girlfriend were going through IUI's at the same time, is no longer talking to me. What the fuck is up with that, pardon my French! :) I'm sure it's the fact that she doesn't know what to say to me anymore. She's scared of saying the wrong thing and upsetting me, so she just avoids me and the entire topic. But, it also feels like, she was just a friend and someone to talk to, when we were both going through the treatments, and now that her and her girlfriend have had success and are pregnant, that she no longer needs me. They've moved on and left me in their dust. Who knows, but it's kinda of made me feel like... a leper, like I have some sort of terminal disease that she's scared of catching!? For me, it would be much better that she talk to me, tell me that she's scared of saying the wrong thing, and even chance saying the wrong thing. That, in my eyes, would be much better than her just stopping contact all together. She should risk saying the wrong thing, as long as I know she's still there for me. I'm not shy, if you say something that offends me, I'll let you know, and forgive you. So many people don't have a clue what to say to us infertiles. They're not sure if they should bring it up, or avoid the topic or ask how it's going with treatments or just plain keep their distance from us. We're not contagious, you're not going to 'catch' what we have, we have feelings too. In fact, most of us want you to ask how it's going, ask us if there's anything they can do for us, even if it's only to listen to us vent and cry. Just knowing someone is there for you, is huge. When I get my period, the only thing you need to say is 'Sorry'.. nothing more. We don't want you to try to fix it for us, just let us know you're trying to understand and that you're there for us if we need it. Such an easy thing, and yet, so many people don't get it.
Now that it's a new year, I think we're going to look more into starting a 'Trust fund' for our future IVF, if it comes to that. Dusty and I are more than willing to try it, as it'll give us the best chance at having the child we so desperately want, but, without some help, we can't afford it. Mom is going to look into it a bit more, about starting up the 'Fund' and Christina, is also looking into it as well - asking Non Profit organizations how someone would go about doing such a thing, and how to get the word out. Weird, I always said I didn't want the world knowing about my (very) personal life, but now, I'd do anything for it to finally happen. I'm not one for asking for help, but I think it's come to the point that if we don't ask, there's a good chance we won't get pregnant.
Help a friend
Where to start. where to start!? Things have been moving a bit more these days - with respect to the 'going public' thing. I'm actually going to be calling Mom tonight or tomorrow night and asking how it's going on the trust fund front. Christina has asked to take on the role of writing an email that will go out to people, who don't have a clue who we are. I must say, she's done one version of it already, and it's awesome!! Here it is: (Sorry Christina, I know you're changing it to sound better, but I love this one, as well)
Help a friend
I am asking for your help on behalf of a good friend of mine. This request is very unusual, as I would like you to consider a donation to a trust fund. Please read on, as I hope you will understand why I am writing to you on behalf of my friend.
My friend Shawna and her husband, Dusty have been trying to conceive a baby for the last 25 months. You may now ask “So what? They should just relax and it will happen when they least expect it!” or maybe you think “why don’t they just adopt”? If that is your reaction, you are probably within the norm of the general population. These are the questions and reactions that Shawna and Dusty have faced for the last two years. What you probably don’t realize is how heartbreaking and hurtful these reactions are. These two loving and kind people have been seriously trying to conceive for over two years and have been unsuccessful. They have done everything right, from nutrition to exercise, the timing of the month and even fertility treatments. Nothing has worked so far. Each and every month brings new heartbreak to them, because they are faced with the fact that they are infertile.
I have been blessed to have known Shawna for almost two years. She and her husband are two of the funniest, generous and kind people that I know. Initially I had no idea what they were going through, until we started talking about the issue of having kids. Bit by bit I learned more about their struggle, and I have often been reduced to tears reading about Shawna’s struggles. One simply cannot imagine what it means not being able to conceive, and it breaks my heart to know that my friend is in so much pain because the thing that should come naturally to every woman is not happening for her.
Before you shrug and stop reading here, I would like you to consider this: Did you know that 1 in __ couples face issues with infertility?
Why did you not hear about this in the media? It seems that infertility is still an issue in society that we don’t want to talk about. What is more natural than to conceive a baby? It is the easiest and simplest thing in the world. Not quite!
I personally know of three couples who are not able to conceive and have resorted to or will need to resort to In Vitro Fertilization. In addition to these 6 people, I also know of another 4 women in my circle of friends who have had one or more miscarriages. These numbers make it very clear to me that conceiving a baby and carrying it to term are not simple things they are made out to be.
Shawna and Dusty wish for nothing more than to have a child of their own. They have literally put their lives on hold for the past two years in the hope of conceiving. They are now at the point where their chances of conceiving naturally (on their own) is a 5% chance. As these are very slim chances, they would like to try In Vitro Fertilization (“IVF”) which gives them at least a 50% chance. Unfortunately, IVF is a very expensive medical procedure which costs around $10,000 per try and none of it is covered by Medicare (quite laughable when you consider that Viagra is covered by most extended medical plans). I am sure you can appreciate that not many of us have $10,000 lying around the house, waiting to be spent. Dusty and Shawna are in the same situation; they have spent thousands already on other – less invasive – fertility treatments and now simply don’t have the cash to afford this one last chance.
Therefore, I am asking you to help make their dream come true. Friends and family of the couple have set up a trust fund at ______ and we would appreciate your contribution.
Even if you cannot contribute to the trust fund, I encourage you to spread the message and forward this email to your friends and family. I not only want to help my friend Shawna, but also would like inform people about the issue of infertility and its devastating effects for the couple who is trying to conceive.
When you find some time, please read Shawna’s journal, which you can find at the following website. It chronicles her trials and tribulations over the past 25 months. I found it to be an extremely fascinating and spell binding read, which really showed me how heart wrenching infertility is for the affected couple.
How was that for a good letter!? I'm not sure how she thinks she can make it better, but I'll keep you all posted.
Also, Tanya had suggested that maybe I could advertise on Facebook. So, one night I went on there and typed : 'Infertility' in the 'Search' box. Low and behold, I found a few infertility support groups. As I was reading my way through a couple of them, I came across a thread titled: 'Anyone else in Vancouver BC?' Well, I'm not, but thought I'd reply anyways, saying I was close, I was in Victoria. Well, that started a chain reaction and there are now 4 of us women, from BC, all battling infertility. Straight away we all felt very comfortable with each other, and realized we all had about the same personalities - that doesn't happen often. We've all been chatting back n forth for a few days now, and it's been great!! We all know that each of us is there for the other, fully knowing, that at some point, we're going to need to lean on the other. That's another thing you learn while going through this, is that your best friends, will turn out to be people you met online and have bared your heart and soul to, long before you ever met, face to face.
Also, we had gotten a number from Dr M, for the local Infertility Support Group. Seems, maybe they don't want us to join!? I've personally emailed this woman (the 'leader') twice - once the email bounced back to me, and the other time, well, I have yet to hear back from her (and it's been about 2 months now). And now Dusty has even called, left a message, and again, we have yet to hear back!? We realize that she isn't paid to do any of this, that it's probably strictly done on a volunteer basis, but, if you can't even reply to an email or give someone a call back, maybe you're not the right one for the job!? It was very important to me to talk to someone who understood what we were going through, I was going crazy. If it weren't for 'My Girls' (My new Infertility Support Group' aka Just4Today) I don't know where I'd be right now. Yes, it's only been a few days, but by just knowing they're there for me if I need it - that they're there for me and can totally understand my feelings and heartaches, is huge. Thanks girls. :) There's one, Kim, from up North, Shannon from Kelowna, Natalie from Vancouver, and.... well... me. I hope some day, we can meet in person!
I really am tired of being quiet about the entire situation. At first, yes, I was embarrassed that I was even diagnosed with infertility - I didn't want to tell anyone, It comes with a certain.... stigma. You can see that people look at you differently. That when you do get the courage to talk about it, their faces glaze over and you can see they're no where around - probably going through their list of things to do, in their head. Most people think "Relax, it'll happen as soon as you stop trying, you're stressing too much.' <-- Ok, let's go over that thinking. Number 1, I've been medically diagnosed with Infertility, it's not something that's in my head. So that's like telling someone with cancer 'Relax, stop thinking about it and it'll go away' <-- No one in their right mind would say something like that to someone with cancer, so why do people think it's ok to say that to someone with Infertility? 9 times out of 10, if you knew someone who got pregnant after just relaxing, they weren't technically infertile, since sitting back on the couch with a glass of wine, is NOT going to get an infertile, pregnant. And also, when someone looks at me and says 'Relax', basically what they're saying, is it's fault that I'm not pregnant - because I'm not relaxed. What about the first year of trying - when I was relaxed and not stressing about it - why didn't I get pregnant then? <-- Think about that for a minute. And please, please, don't tell someone that maybe they just weren't meant to be parents!! If you say that, then you're also saying that the crack whore down the street, with crack addicted babies was 'meant to have babies' while they weren't. Or that the Moms or Dads who beat their children and lock them in closets, were 'meant to have babies', but they were not. Please, I ask you, do not say that! Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
3rd and final IUI
Cycle day 2 of the 3rd and final IUI. As for above: short, sweet, didn't make anyone cry, but got my point across - yay me.
I called the clinic this morning and told them, on their voice mail (as today is a holiday - Thanksgiving) that it's officially cycle day 2 for me and I needed to see Dr H ASAP. Well, a couple hours later, they called me back and said to come in now, they'll squeeze me in.
I can't get this point across enough - an internal ultrasound during your period - soooo NOT sexy hahaha But hey, I'm beyond being embarrassed about the entire situation. You want to shove a vaginal probe in me, during that time, and it doesn't embarrass you, then why the heck should it embarrass me. Do what you gotta do - I'll spread my legs for you..... hehehe
I was a bit nervous for the probe to go in. I was worried that maybe I'd only have one egg, or no egg, or the worst case scenario, that I'd have cysts and this cycle would be a bust. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about.. and then some. Seems me talking to my eggs to do their thing - worked. I have 3 eggs on the right side and 5 on the other - yup, add that up, it equals 8! And I thought 5 was a huge number the first time - well, this third time sure kicks that ones butt. Dr H said, a couple times, that we're really pushing it - with the multiples factor. He asked if I was willing to take that risk, to which I replied 'Oh yeah I am'.
The protocol for this month is: starting cycle day 3 (tomorrow) I'll be doing 100mg of Clomid a day for 5 days & starting on cycle day 5, I also start doing injections of Gonal F. I think I should apologize to Dusty and Mariah now, for what I'm sure will be some unpleasant moments in the days to come. That Clomid can be a ..... bitch inducing, drug. :)
Come on 8 eggs, do your thing - let's make us a baby (or 2) this month!
3 eggs – where'd the others go?
Cycle day 9 - Went to the clinic this morning and I must say, I'm a bit bummed. I started off with 8 eggs, 7 days ago, only to end up with 3 that will be good to go. <-- I said I'm feeling a bit sad because, the first IUI we had 5 eggs, the second we had 2, and neither time did it work - why would 3 work? :) I'm such a bummer........... maybe it's the Clomid? Let me tell you, the Clomid is no fun at all. Some women (very few) are fortunate for Clomid not to affect them too much. Others, get side effects like: seriously irrational/moody, headaches, bloated <-- to which, I'm suffering all 3 - oh goody! :)
Dr H made me pee in another cartoon Dixie cup <-- I'm thinking that it's about time for them to get some real 'sample' cups for us poor women to use. We have to go through enough, let alone to have to walk down the hallway, through many other offices, carrying our cartoon Dixie cup of urine. When I got to the washroom, another woman had just gotten in there as well. Well, the look on her face when she saw my Dixie cup, was enough to force me to hurry up and pee in it, and get out of there so fast, I didn't have time to wash my hands. It was enough that she was wondering why I was carrying an empty cup in the first place, I didn't want to be the topic of conversation at her next family meal - talking about the weird girl in the bathroom with pee in a cartoon Dixie cup.
Anyways, he was testing for LH and it was a negative - which I figured it would be, considering it's only CD day 9. Though he was only worried I think, because I have one follicle that is 19mm already, so he was worried that my body would be fooled into thinking it was time to release it. Good to go................
I've become quite the actress
Cycle day 10 - And another negative on the OPK - thank goodness. I'm hoping that it's going to read positive on Thursday, and go for the IUI on Friday - come on long weekend.
You know, those of us fighting this battle, and you know who you are, we've become quite the actresses/liars. Admit it - if it came down to a competition between us or Angelina Jolie for a part, we'd kick Angelinas ass. We pretend we're fine, when we're really dying inside. We paste a smile on our faces, when we'd rather do nothing more than curl up into a ball and cry. We say 'It's no big deal' when what we really want to scream is: 'This is killing me, I'm not sure how much longer we can continue trying - HELP US!' If someone asks "How's it going with the whole getting pregnant thing?' We respond 'Oh fine, we're doing good, things are coming along' when really, things couldn't be more uncertain, you don't have a clue what's going on, you're begging God and bargaining with the devil. It's true.... sad, but true. And not only that, but we have to become liars, as well as actresses. How many of you have lied about where you're going when you had yet another ultrasound to deal with? I'll bet at least 75% of you out there, have just called in sick to work, when you had an IUI or IVF booked.
It's tough, it is. I'm not trying to be all down and depressing, I'm just stating the facts as they are. Infertility is so common, and yet such a silent battle, it's so unfair to those of us going through it. I've recently read somewhere that Infertility should be 'labeled' a disease. Maybe if it was a 'disease' maybe then more people would know about it. Maybe there would be more help and or insurance coverage for it. Maybe it wouldn't be such a silent battle. Those questions, could quite possibly never be answered, as so many questions we've faced during this fight, are.
Since I saw Dr H, I had to have another shot last night, one more tonight, and then I'm back for another ultrasound tomorrow (Cycle day 11). Oh the joys of needles, how I hate them. They don't hurt as much as they're scary. I'm a bit better with them now, I don't freak out quite as much, but, that's just me.
Come on, let's do this IUI on Friday! <-- AND, let it be the one! The ultimate one, the one that finally works and makes our dreams come true.
Oh wait - I want to show you something. I've been doing immense amounts of reading, books including:
Love and Infertility - Survival Strageties for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life - by Kristen Magnacca
Conquering Infertility - Dr Alice Domar's Mond/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility - by Alice D Domar, Ph.D
Getting Pregnant - What You Need to Know Right Now - by Niels H Lauersen, M.D, Ph.D and Colette Bouchez
The Infertility Cure - The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies - by Randine Lewis, Ph.D
How To Get Pregnant - by Sherman J. Silber, M.D
New Hope for Couples with Infertility Problems - by Theresa Foy DiGeronimo
I've taken, and passed my Fertility/Pregnancy courses, such as:
Fitness Fertility Specialist
Training for Delivery
Weight Loss After Pregnancy
Wired and Tired - Stress Management
Core Training for Pregnancy
One of the most important things I've learned, is to do with stress. Yes, being infertile makes you stressed, which in turn, makes you infertile. It's a lose, lose cycle. One of the things to do, is to get rid of those damn negative thoughts we all share, like:
"This is never going to happen"
"Why is God punishing me?"
"Why her, and not me?"
All those thoughts, in turn harm our chances of conceiving. I'll fully admit that I'm among the best at using those negative phrases - we all have, and we know they're wrong. They're truly how we feel in that moment, we can't help it. But yes, we can help it. With enough practice, we can change those negative thoughts, into something more positive. Try these:
Instead of "This is never going to happen" say "This is taking a lot longer than we thought it would, but our turn is coming"
Instead of "Why is God punishing us?" say "This is unfair, and I'm OK with that. We're not being punished for anything"
Instead of "Why her and not me?" try "I'm happy for her, which makes me sad for myself, and that's ok - I'm allowed to feel this way. It WILL happen to us and when it does, man, will that baby be loved."
When you're in the heat of the moment, say, you just got your period, it's hard to change the negative thoughts into something positive, this I know. And, if you can't change the negative to a positive, on that particular day, it's ok, just pick yourself up the next day and try again. <-- Easier said than done, again, I know all about it. I have a mantra I say to myself "This will all be worth it in the end. Once we have our baby in our arms, the struggles, the tears the hopelessness, will all be worth it".
There, my quick little self help moment de jour......... sorry, had to be done. Part of the reason of me even writing this journal is to help you out there also going through this, and if I have to add silly little self help moments, so be it, sit back and enjoy them.
You want to see my vagina - here it is
Cycle day 11 - You know, I think Dr H sees my........ bits, more than my own husband does!? I was talking to Katy at work, and telling her how it's just not embarrassing anymore. You want to see my vagina - here it is, in all it's glory hahaha You know you've had one too many internal ultrasounds when you have thoughts like that! hahaha
Anyways, yes, I had to pee in another Dixie cup - oh joy. Turns out, I'm starting to surge, so the IUI will be done tomorrow. Dr H did another internal ultrasound to see what my eggs were doing, and it turns out, I now have 4 eggs, not just 3!! Go egg go! It's funny, because I had said to Dusty, on Monday, that I hoped one more egg would sneak in there somehow. <-- We now think that that last lil egg, will be the one, the one to finally make our dreams come true.
I got the Ovidrel shot while I was at the clinic and we're booked in for tomorrow. Dusty goes in at 2PM and we both go back at 4PM. Dusty wants me to go with him while he 'donates' and I'd love to, really - I'm all over cheering on the boys! So, I think I'll take tomorrow off work. <-- See, remember when I was talking about us infertile women being liars - I told Sarrah (team lead at work) on Monday that I was leaving work early for Mariahs appointment at the Hand Clinic, when in honesty, I had an ultrasound I had to go to. For today, I said I had to take Mariah to her second appointment of the week, but really, it was another ultrasound. So, even though I could work tomorrow, I can't think of another excuse to leave work early - not without either raising suspicions or really pissing someone off. I think I'll just call in sick for tomorrow, and maybe even Friday as well <-- get as much rest and relaxation as possible - give the sperm n egg the best chance possible to do their thing!? We'll see how I feel. It's not like work is super stressful or anything - so I might just take tomorrow off, and go to work on Friday!? Time will tell....................
So <-- a quick note to my lil late egg : Do your thing little one - we're counting on you! <-- OMG, I think I've finally lost it. :O)
The 3rd IUI stats
Cycle day 13 - 1DPIUI - Count me as one of the psychotic, self-diagnosing, internet-obsessive, boob grabbing, overanalyzing gals dealing with the 2WW :) I'm only on CD 13, 1 DPIUI and already becoming more obsessive, by the minute, with analyzing every pain, twinge, cramp, etc. AND it's only going to get worse over the next 13 days! Yikes!
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Cycle day 14 - 2DPIUI - The IUI went well, same ol same ol. <-- Pretty bad when you say 'same ol, same ol' to something like getting in-sperm-inated. I'm a bit worried though, I'm trying not to be, but it's in my nature, I'm a worrier through and through. Turns out Dusty count, is WAY down. The first time it was 11,000,000, then it went to 12,000,000 but this last one, it was only 5,000,000. Not too sure how the counts can go down like that, but really, by the time sperm comes out, it's already about 3 months old. So we'd have to figure out what was going on 3 months ago, to know why the count was low. It could be just that he was sick around that time, or stressed. Or it could be just that the 'donation' was at 2PM and usually it's done first thing in the morning <-- Sperm counts are higher in the mornings. Still hoping that one little late comer egg, will be our miracle.
Oh, and you're probably all wondering how it went with Dustys 'donation'. Well, it was definitely an experience, to say the least. They call you into a wee little room, get you to sign some forms and such. Then they feel the need to tell you that saliva kills sperm <-- I guess that was a hint for me hahaha I already knew about the saliva thing, but hey, it's his job to inform, and inform he did! :) Anyways, then you're left alone in the wee room to do your thing. There's no movies, just a few magazines - and not even very good ones at that - they didn't do a thing for me LOL So, I worked my womanly...... whatever, and the deed was done - we went for something to eat after. hahaha
I've been cramping, bloating and having weird feelings in my uterus since, not sure how to explain the uterus thing, but it's definitely not the norm. <-- Maybe that's a good thing - maybe that means that this one will work!? <-- Positive thinking at it's finest!
Oh, and cuz my temps were all messed up from all the meds, the day after the IUI, which is when I should have had a higher temp, wasn't very high. Only 0.1 higher than the day before, but it was 98.0 <-- which can be a post 'O' temp, when they're not messed up. This morning it was 98.4 - so definitely indicating O, but still hoping the 98 was indicating 'O' first. I wouldn't want to 'O' 2 days after the IUI as washed sperm doesn't live as long as fresh sperm - I think they say about 24 hours!?
Ah, what can we do but sit it out and pray with everything we have that this is the magic one, and that our miracle is about to happen.
'International Make a Difference Day'
Cycle day 17 & 5DPIUI - Not too much to report - I just wanted to add a wee tid bit of info for you: The day we had the IUI done, it was 'International Make a Difference Day'. I'm hoping that Dr H followed suit and has made a difference in my day by helping to get me pregnant! :)
Also, been super bloated, crampy and wee pains/stitches ever since the IUI <-- that's never happened before.......... weird.
The pain, I just can't explain it...
Cycle day 2 - As you can see by the cycle day I'm on, our 3rd and final IUI wasn't a success. I was pretty much expecting it to be negative, since I was taking pregnancy tests at home up to and including the day of the blood test, that were all negative. But, like I've said before, that doesn't take the pain out of hearing a stranger over the phone tell me that the test was negative, yet again. In fact, this negative result was very........... devastating. As I was standing there, waiting for the woman to come back on the phone to tell me the result, I was shaking. I was pretty sure what she was going to say, but that didn't stop me from doing some last minute praying that she'd come back and surprise me with a positive result. When she came back on the phone, her words 'Unfortunately, it was a negative result....' were among the worst words I've heard in my life! I compare what I felt in that moment, to finding out (again, over the phone) that one of my best friends was killed in a car accident, by a drunk driver, or when my Gramma passed away. It was an all over feeling of loss, dread and pure hopelessness. I couldn't take it a second longer, as soon as she said 'negative', I lost it. Full on, open mouth, loud crying. Dusty had to take the phone and tell her I couldn't talk anymore. He got off the phone as soon as he could and came to me, to hold me and comfort me as I was dealing with one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I couldn't stop crying and wondering 'Why us!? After this long, after everything we've been through, after all the praying we've done, why us, is it ever going to happen......'. There is no way to prepare yourself for news like that. You go through it in your head many times before. You think about what you'd do or say if the test finally came back positive. You think about how you'll deal with it if the test is negative. Either way, I wasn't prepared nor ready to hear what I did. I cried on and off for a good couple hours. I'd just finally stop crying again, when I'd either think about it, or I'd look at Dusty, and I'd start crying all over again. Then, I had to call my Mom. When she answered the phone, I said 'Hi' to which she replied 'Soooooo...?' And that was it, I didn't talk much for the rest of the phone call. All I could do was cry, tell her how much it hurt, cry, and ask her why us. It was a very sad conversation, but I was glad she was there for me.
We're officially on our own now. We can't afford anymore IUI's and we'll never be able to afford IVF. Yes, we can still try the old fashioned way, but the odds are definitely against us - at a 5% chance each month and a 50% chance of it ever happening over a 5 year period. You try to forget the odds and think positive, but come on, after this long, and so many disappointments, it's a little hard to think positive anymore. I don't know............I don't know what more I can say - aside from 'THIS SUCKS - it's VERY unfair - why us and please God, we could use a miracle. AND, one more thing, if anyone says 'You're about to go on your honeymoon, it'll happen then', I'll slap them, honestly I will.
I'm going to call the clinic today and just see if I can get in to see Dr H one last time. I want to ask if there's anything Dusty can take to increase his sperm, as it seems to be declining. I'm also going to ask if we can at least do clomid or something - even if it only increases our odds to 6% each month, I'll take it. Yes, they suck, as I'm sure Dusty and Mariah will agree, but like I said, even if they only up our odds by 1%, I'm willing to deal with the side effects.
I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others
Cycle day 4 - I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others. Since it was our last shot at an IUI, which would give us a much higher chance of getting pregnant, I'm finding myself...... sad, frustrated, feeling hopeless and just an overall sense of... loss, I guess would be the best word. I guess it's only natural that this 'negative' be a bit harder to take than the others, I just wasn't really expecting it to be like this. One minute I'm fine, doing my thing, the next minute, I'm fighting tears, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair this whole situation is. I want nothing more than to make other people understand what this is like. I'm not even sure why I want people to understand this pain. Am I looking for more sympathy? More understanding? Another shoulder to cry on? Someone to vent to? I'm not sure, but there are so many clueless people out there it would make your head spin. Like this evening, I was training my clients, both of whom know all about my battle with infertility, and I shit you not, for a good 1/2 an hour, they talked about nothing but babies. They're both about to be Grammas (again, for one of them) and I can understand their excitement, but really, did they forget where they were? Were they just not thinking? Could they not see in my face that it's killing me having them talk about babies, in front of me? I was so close to crying and running out of the room - if they only knew. Babies, babies, everywhere someone is talking about babies, we can't get away from it.
OK, for all you people out there, who already have kids, think about them for a minute. Think about the day they were born, the joy and love you felt when you first laid eyes on your little baby. Think about their first smile, their first laugh - you know the laugh I'm talking about - the one where their whole body got in on it and you thought it was the cutest thing you ever saw in your life. How about your baby's first step, first word, first day of kindergarten. All the while, standing back and wondering how it is you can love someone so much, how you'd throw yourself in front of a speeding train, if it meant saving them from even just a moment of pain. Are you feeling all warm and fuzzy now? Well, imagine that being taken away from you, it was just a tease, it's not really yours. Imagine your life now, without your child/children, without that unconditional love, but wanting it more than you have ever wanted anything in your entire life!? I have 3 little words to say to you now - Welcome to infertility!
I don't know - there's so much that is unfair about this whole situation, I don't even know where to start!? The clueless people are at the top of the list. If they've never been through it themselves, they'll never truly understand, there's no way they can. Even reading this journal doesn't give them near enough of an idea of what we go through. What we have to deal with. The pain of answering the age old question of 'So, are you pregnant yet?'. The pure heartache when your period comes, right on schedule - or worse yet, a day or 2 late. I could talk about the unfairness of it all until I'm blue in the face, but only those of us suffering it, can truly understand it.
I thank God everyday for my friends, family, gorgeous daughter and my wonderful husband. Without them, there's no way I could have made it this far through. Without them, I would have given up a long time ago. Without them, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. There are many women and couples going through this battle, alone, feeling isolated, shunned and just plain not understood. For them, I want to cry. For them, my heart goes out. No one should have to face this alone, no one.
I was finally able to download a song called 'I'd Die for That' by Kellie Coffey. I had heard about it before, but wasn't able to find it. It's a song all about infertility and man, did it make me cry. I know I'm not alone in this battle, that there are many, many others out there going through the same thing, but sometimes, you still feel alone. You feel alone because no one you personally know is going through it. You feel alone because everyone you know is getting pregnant. You feel alone because there's no way to describe to someone on the outside, the pain you feel on the inside. You know how a song can have a special meaning to you? Like the song from back in your high school days that reminds you of a certain crush you had. Or you wedding song, that reminds you of that very special day when you and your husband finally became one. Well, this song, 'I'd Die for That' will now remind me of this battle. It'll remind me of a point in my life, when I stood, trembling on the brink of choices so enormous that I could hardly breathe. It'll remind me to not take anything for granted, even the small things, for you don't know when they'll be gone. And I will know, that through it all, even though I felt alone, that I was actually surrounded by love and support. And I'll know, that if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything, together.
Some words from my friend, Bre:
I'm so sorry for the heartache this whole thing has caused you. If I could take on your pain and suffering through all this, I would if only to relieve you of it for a moment. You guys have been through a lot, and you've seemed pretty strong through the whole thing...and you are strong. Your strength has inspired so many people, and I hope you know that. I know that saying this does nothing for the situation, but I guess I just wanted you to know that even though you may not feel strong, you are and you have a world of love around you. Again, things that don't really help, but hopefully it will at least put a warm fuzzy feeling inside of you. You guys make such a great couple, and I hope to have what you have one day. I hope none of what I've said pisses you off and makes you want to slap me... :) I love you mucho, and I imagine your sense of loss and am trying to understand how it feels, but of course do not....but know that I am here for whatever you need me to be...a listening ear, entertainment, comic relief, distraction, love, comfort...you name it and it's yours.
Wow, I know I don't know how you feel at all, but I understand that it must be very difficult and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not really sure what other options you guys are thinking about and if money is the main thing standing in the way, but I think you should keep trying. If I could give you a baby I would, and maybe I still can one day? You are one of the only people I would even consider carrying a child for... :) I'm sorry, I don't know if this stuff makes you feel better or worse...whatever you do Shawna, don't blame yourself. Dusty loves you and having you is already a gift to him. I love you so much and want you guys to be happy....xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxx
See, that’s why I thank God everyday for my friends. I’m a lucky person to have friends like that!
And, I’m one of the only people she’d consider carrying a baby for!? Just her saying those words, are enough to bring tears to my eyes, to know that I’m loved so much that someone is willing to do that for me – there aren’t enough words to describe what that means to me.
Words from my best friend, up North:
‘Shawna, whatever you do, don’t give up. I don’t feel it’s over for you guys yet. I’m not sure if that means you’re going to get pregnant, or someone is going to give you a baby, but either way, I don’t feel it’s over…’
I really hope she’s right, I do. That’s the funny thing about fighting the infertility battle, when I first started out, before I even knew what the word ‘Infertility’ meant, I wanted one baby. Now, on the other hand, I want as many as I can get. If I got pregnant and someone wanted to give me their baby as well, I’d be one happy camper. The more the merrier.
It hurts, it really does
Cycle day 16 - Last week Dusty and I were heading to acupuncture, as usual. As soon as we parked, it dawned on me that they were going to ask how out IUI went. It was in that moment, that I dreaded going, for the first time ever. I thought I was doing pretty good that week, turns out, I was wrong. Just the thought of my acupuncturist saying 'So, how did it go - do you have good news for us?' made me want to run for the hills. It's not just that, but I also knew that she'd then say 'And how does that make you feel?' or 'How do you feel about that?'. Those, in my opinion, are the stupidest questions, ever. That's like asking someone who just got diagnosed with cancer, how they feel about it. How do they think I'd feel about it? Seriously, is it something they truly have to ask?
We ended up being an hour early for your appt - to which we took awhile to figure out if we just wanted to cancel and come again at our scheduled time next week. We finally decided to go for a walk, but as soon as I stepped outside, I started crying. Dusty held my hand and brought me to the car - then leaned over, hugged me and asked, 'Is it because they were going to ask you how the IUI went?'. Such a smart husband I have. He gave me another hug, then I asked him to go inside and cancel our appointment and explain that I was just too upset to go.
See, that's the thing about this.... struggle. It doesn't just affect part of your life, it affects it all. I have to tell virtual strangers about very personal and emotional things in my life, and then deal with the stupid questions that follow. I think when we go again tomorrow, I'll tell her that it didn't work and please don’t ask how I feel about it or how stressed I am because of it. It didn't work, end of story, now let's get to working on me so I can get pregnant. Friends, family.. sure, I can talk about it without crying now, but strangers, people who don't have a clue what it's like? Nope, not ready .....
I've also been asked a couple of times now about maybe going public with our battle. Getting my journal out there and maybe a newspaper write up or something. When it was first suggested to me, I flat out said 'Hell no, I don't need the entire world knowing about my personal life.' Since then, however, I am considering it. If I want my journal published, the world is going to know anyways, so why not. And besides, if it helps just one other woman, to me, it'll be worth it. What I'm going to do is send out just a small part (maybe a couple paragraphs) of this journal and ask about them maybe doing an article on Infertility. I'm sure Dr H would be all over getting in on it too. I know how unfair he thinks it is that there's no coverage for fertility treatments, and how he'd love to get the word out. We'll see what people say about my suggestion - I'll have to add the fact that it affects 1 in 6 couples, emphasize how common, yet silent, it is.
Oh, I should also mention, that I sent Bre little segments of my journal (though she's read it all), and asked her if she'd be interested in 'writing' a song for our battle. I picked out the sentences/phrases that I thought were the most.... relevant, etc. She said it's a fabulous idea and when she comes home in 3 weeks, she's going to bring her guitar over and we'll work on a song. <-- She's such a sweetie and I can't wait to see what she comes up with.
One more thing. There's a woman at work, Theresa, who knew about our first IUI (as I pretty much told the entire office, I was so excited). Anyways, after that one didn't work, she didn't much ask too many questions, though I could always tell she wanted to. Well, I ended up talking to her the other day. Told her the last IUI didn't work, the stuff we've been through, and what we have to go through now, and I must say, for someone who hasn't experienced infertility herself, she's remarkably helpful and easy to talk to about the subject. I was impressed. She didn't offer lame advice or anything, in fact, just me talking to her, brought tears to her eyes, I could tell she was hurting for us. It was sweet. So you just never know who will end up being on your side and a shoulder to cry on - can turn out to be someone you never thought would understand. Theresa was also one of the people suggesting I go public, and to start a 'trust fund' for people to donate to, so maybe some day we can afford a round of IVF. Time will tell.......................
She gets 2, and I still don't even have 1?
Cycle day 17 – 3 DPO – Well, here I sit, at work, wishing I were anywhere but here. Not that that is an unusual feeling of mine – I quite frequently wish I wasn’t here. But, I just found out, my friend Christina, the pregnant one, just told me she’s having twins. TWINS!? She gets 2 and I still get none. Where is the fairness in that? Oh how I wish I didn’t train tonight, I’d just go home and drink. She apologizes for telling me through email, but she didn’t know when or where else to tell me, and she didn’t want me to hear it from her friends Mom, my client. I appreciate her telling me before my client did, but it still hurts. She had originally said that she’s sending me an email to my home address, as the news from her tests might upset me and she didn’t want to do that to me at work. But, I guessed it was twins and told her if it was that, that she can tell me. I’d be a bit more jealous, but that I could deal with it. Turns out, I’m not ‘dealing’ with it like I thought I would. As soon as I read the words on my computer screen, my heart started beating a bit faster (as it does when I get upset) and I just wanted to go home and cry.
It’s so unfair that I even have these feelings in the first place. I should be proud and happy for my friend that she’s pregnant and expecting twins – but I’m not – not at all. I’m jealous, I’m angry that it still hasn’t happened for us, I’m sad because it brings up the struggle we’ve been fighting for the past 2 years and I’m frustrated, because it feels like it’ll never happen for us.
I’ll be fine in a couple days, but today, I’m not and I’m not afraid to say so. Christina was telling me to laugh at her, because she kept wishing twins and triplets on me when we were going through our fertility treatments and now she’s the one having twins. I wasn’t afraid to tell her that I’m in no mood to laugh right now, that it’s going to take me a day or 2 to get over this.
So unfair what this whole battle does to a person/couple. Not much more to say………..
Her too?
I sit here writing this through a haze of tears - I'm so tired of all the tears!! I want to know when it's going to be our turn at all this happiness that everyone else is experiencing. I don't know how much more a person can take. 2 days ago I found out that Christina, the pregnant friend, is actually expecting twins, and today, I just found out that my other friend at work, Katy, is now pregnant as well. It hurts me so bad, there aren't enough words to describe the pain I feel right now. Infertility is a very selfish battle and I find it very hard, if not impossible, to feel happy for those experiencing now, what I'd die to have myself. It's just so unfair that we have to go through hell trying for what they get so easily. It brings up all our 'failures' and the fact that, 2 years later, all we have to show for our battle is debt, sadness and tears.
Shitty, shitty November
Alright, indulge me for a minute, I’m about to outline a pretty shitty month for a couple fighting infertility
November :
~ Find out our 3rd and final IUI didn’t work
~ 2 weeks later, find out that my friend who’s pregnant, is actually expecting twins
~ 2 short days after that, I find out my only friend here at work, is now pregnant as well
~ And yet another 4 days later I find out that my lesbian friends, found out they’re pregnant too
~ And again, 4 days later, I get my period, putting us at over 2 years of trying now.
Can you say depressing? Man this month has been awful. I’m surprised I have any tears left!!
I was really hoping to join in on the pregnancy fun that everyone seemed to be starting, but it seems, someone has a different plan for me. I’m kinda sick of that ‘someone’s other plans for me’. I’m ready to join the masses, get pregnant and end my journal – send it out to all who want to read it. Let them know they’re not alone, and show them that this stupid … battle, can be won! I’m all for being the face of infertility and proving, that no matter what the Drs tell you, they don’t know all. They can be wrong, and have been wrong before.
Speaking of which, a lot has also been going on as well. I had a friend suggest seeing a Naturopath to see if we can maybe get some help that way. So, Dusty and I went and talked to 2 different ones, as we wanted to make sure we shopped around and felt comfortable with one, if we chose to go that route. We saw 2 very knowledgeable, women Naturopaths, who talked to us about what they do, about dealing with infertility, and offering us possible things they’d do.
I’ve been contemplating it over and over on weather to go ahead and try this as well. After all the things we’ve been through, why would this work. And, to top it off, this is to be paid, out of pocket. Not a cheap thing to do, since the first appointment alone, is $120.00 per person. Then you can add on top of that, the $90.00 per person for the follow up appointment, and any other appointment as well, PLUS, any herbs or vitamins they suggest.
We’re still trying to pay off the $4000.00 worth of treatments at the fertility clinic, and to add this, as well. At first I thought, yeah, let’s do it, it certainly can’t hurt. Now, I’ve also been thinking about switching to an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility, and they’re way more expensive as well. Money, money, everywhere we turn, someone is asking for more money, when we ask for help. It’s so unfair. So many people out there can get pregnant easily or at least within a year, and don’t need help. Us, fighting infertility, have to keep on fighting and fighting, trying not to give up and handing out money every where we turn. If this stuff was all covered by medical, I’d be all over trying everything we can. Because it’s not covered, we have to weigh our options and decide what we can and can’t afford, and right now, that’s not a lot.
I don’t know. Our medical covers acupuncture and a Naturopath, both at 80% but only to a maximum of $300 per year, and let me tell you, that doesn’t cover very much. My first appointment with the new acupuncturist, is going to cost me $115.00, and $70.00 each and every time after that. In medical terms, about a months worth. Same with the Naturopath, 80% to a maximum of $300.00 per year. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s great that they cover at least some of it, but $300 – can’t buy you much. So maybe, what we should do, is I’ll go to the expensive acupuncturist and Dusty and I should go see a Naturothapth, but only until our $300.00 is up, and stop after that – meaning again, about a month. ç Better than nothing I guess.
We’re a bit worried. One of the Naturopaths we talked to was saying that she’d put us both on a 80 -90 cleanse – and one of the things she said wouldn’t be in it – gluten!? Are you fuckin kidding me? Gluten is in everything, and you want me to eliminate it out of my diet. So, not only do I have to fight this horrible battle, but now we’d have to be reminded of it each and every time we eat, because we hate what we’re eating? Wow – where do we draw the line?
Also, we had another appointment with Dr H last night. That one too, as you can probably guess, was depressing. We talked about how the IUI’s went, and how disappointing it was that none of them worked. I asked about maybe starting Clomid for a couple months, just to feel I’m doing something. He said he’d be more than willing to do that for me, however, Clomid does have it’s side effects, including: not as good quality of eggs and thinning of the lining – not to mention the Clomid rage I get. He said it would be ideal for us to do a round of IVF, however, we just can’t see ever being able to afford that! $10,000 and there’s a 50% chance that it’ll work. Now, 50% is a WAY better chance than out 5% now, but, for $10,000 it’s not that great of odds. I told him, if he could guarantee me to get pregnant, I’d have that $10,000 for him tomorrow. He also said, of course, that we still have a chance to get pregnant on our own – this time though, he said a 20% chance of it happening over a 5 year period. 20%!? What the fuck – pardon my French. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that he said a 50% chance, and now it’s down to 20!? How the hell did that happen? Man, Drs have a way of totally depressing a person.
I started asking about what we can do for Dustys sperm, since it seems to vary so much. He looked at the charts and said that yes, Dusty sperm does vary a lot and there are vitamins/supplements that have been shown to help. ç He has his own ‘blend’ made up for the fertility clinic and it’s going to cost about $75.00 per month, but he suggests to try it for the next 3 months, to see if that makes a difference. He thinks that our problems might be more sperm related than we originally thought. That’s when I told him about Dustys ex-girlfriend. They were together for 3 years, and didn’t use birth control, and she never got pregnant – but has had kids since.
Dustys going to try the sperm blend, I like to call it, for the next 3 months, and pray that it helps. What he does today, could get me pregnant on our honeymoon in February – and I’m all for that!
Here’s a lil something, something for you. I’m sitting here at work typing this when I get an email titled ‘Newest addition’ How’s that for a slap in the face at work – great, send around pictures of babies, when I’m fighting so hard just to get pregnant – fab-u-fuckin-lous! I know, I know, they don’t know I’m fighting this, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s times like these – that I want to send out my entire journal to be read by all at work. That way, they have no excuses of sending me shit like that, or the upcoming talking to Katy, behind me, about her upcoming baby. I’m terrified for when I get back from our honeymoon, when I’ll have to sit here and listen to people congratulate her and talk to her about being pregnant.
Anyways, that’s the skinny on what’s going on since I last wrote. A horribly shitty month indeed and I hope that’s the end of it. Let’s move onto some good news for a change, news that will make me smile, not cry.
Oh, one more thing. I actually thought we had a chance to join in the pregnancy fun this month. I’m on absolutely NO meds, I refuse to do the progesterone anymore – no more having a stranger over the phone tell me I’m not pregnant! Anyways, because I’m not taking it, I expect my luteal phase to be about 10 – 12 days tops. Well, come 13DPO – my temp was still up. I was excited and took a pregnancy test, which, confusingly, turned negative. Well, I didn’t think too much about it, was confused, but carried on. A couple hours later, after going to the bathroom, I notice spotting. As everyone out there, trying to get pregnant, knows, we pray that it’s what they call implantation spotting – as I also seemed to have had a ‘implantation dip’ as well – at 6DPO. Ahhh, it was not meant to be, again. Within 2 hours of that, the bitch was here, full force, almost bringing me to my knees with the cramps and back pain. So sad……
If it weren't for my friends..
I have to add a couple words from friends here, I’m sure you’ll see, my friends kick ass, and, can even make me giggle on days I’d rather cry…
Bre:
I'm sorry to hear about this sequence of hard news. Especially hard for you I know as this subject never leaves your mind. Every piece seems like a direct hit to you I'm sure, but it is not so. Of course it feels that way but like all terrible feelings, it too will eventually pass and you will feel your lovely, warm giggly self again. Maybe this is the perfect time for a vacation no? :) Of course, you can never put a time frame to when you'll feel yourself again and there is no hurry because it is really not something that you can be expected to "suck up". What you've been through is probably one of the hardest things anyone has ever had to face. I am thinking of you always and how hard it has been wishing that anything I said or did could make you feel even a shade better and brighter. I love you, but I know that's not enough sometimes. How can I help you my dear friend? Tell me what you need from me and I will do my veryberrybestest to give it to you!
I can call you? Do you want a phone call filled with Bre-love? If you text me I can call you pronto...***-***-****....day or night....I'm almost always awake....I can listen, sing to you, play for you, yell at you (some people are into that), tell you terrible jokes, describe what I had for dinner, watch TV and give you a play-by-play, talk to you about stupid America, tell you all about the magic that is a beer brewery, tell what color I want to paint my toenails....any of these things appealing???
Be strong lady. You are my hero.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Love, love, love, me.
Katy:
I did a bit of a naked fertility dance last night in the shower, but I will make Nick do a full on naked fertility dance tonight ;) There will be things jiggling on me that should not jiggle, but it will be worth it!
And a story she told me, to try to cheer me up:
Ok, poop and alpha ghetties – It’s about Nicks brother C when he was still in diapers, but big enough to sit up and play around. Steve (their dad) was home by himself with C and he went to check on him as C was having his nap. Steve walked in, and found that C had taken off his diaper and decided that the raisin like poop looked tasty. He had poop all over his face, hands, the crib, his clothes…and then all in his mouth and plastered to the few teeth he had. Steve cleaned up his hands, changed his clothes but didn’t know what to do to get the pooh out of his mouth. Rose comes in the door not long after to find C in his high chair and Steve shoveling alpha ghetties down his throat, cringing away looking like he was going to throw up. I don’t know how in the end they got the poop out, but now we get to call C a shit eater :D
Still from Katy:
Hey
Don’t even think about how I feel about this, I completely understand that this is hard for you and I don’t expect you to be all buddy buddy with me. I will do whatever I can to make this easier for you and I understand that you might not want to talk to me or even turn around and look at me, I wont take it personally so don’t worry. I will definitely hold off on telling people at work until you are away on your cruise, I'll tell them the first day you are gone so they get it all out of their system. I still have my hopes that it won’t come to that, that you will be pregnant soon and we will be able to go through this together. I hate that you have to go through this and it hurts knowing that you are going through so much pain. This is definitely one of the shittiest things to go through and I want you to be ok. It took me awhile to write back to you, I didn’t know what to say at first. I had a cry because on one hand I'm excited for myself, but then I am so sad for you and I wish I could make this happen for you, I wish there was something I could do for you. You said infertility is a selfish thing, but it’s ok to be selfish because of what you have gone through. If you don’t want to talk to me, just don’t and I will understand, I will be here to talk if/when you are ready and I will wait for you to start the talk because I don’t want to pressure you into dealing with talking to me when you aren’t ready.
From Corrina:
Sorry you had a ruff weekend hunny : ( If we lived closer I would have helped you drown sorrows for sure! We would make fun of other people for a while, then lip off some people that can't understand English for a bit, go out on a rediculously expensive and indulging dinner date, followed by too much wine and some dancing, act like silly lesbos in public, then spoon the night away... the next day we'd feel bad about it all, laugh at the funny moments cuz I would be making you laugh the whole time, then you would repay me by making me slave and yell at me to work it!!! at the gym... lets pretend that all just happened...
xoxoxox - throwing happy thoughts at you right now... muuaahhh!!
I can’t ever say, with enough words, how much my friends have meant to me through-out this entire process. Without them, well, I don’t even want to think about that.
Ok, how about this. I won't write in here again, til I can say something funny, tell a funny story and tell some good news? Sorry for the depressing last few entries, but hey, they come with the territory - we're doing the best with what we've been dealt. But, I WILL have some good news or a funny story next time, that is my promise. :)
I called the clinic this morning and told them, on their voice mail (as today is a holiday - Thanksgiving) that it's officially cycle day 2 for me and I needed to see Dr H ASAP. Well, a couple hours later, they called me back and said to come in now, they'll squeeze me in.
I can't get this point across enough - an internal ultrasound during your period - soooo NOT sexy hahaha But hey, I'm beyond being embarrassed about the entire situation. You want to shove a vaginal probe in me, during that time, and it doesn't embarrass you, then why the heck should it embarrass me. Do what you gotta do - I'll spread my legs for you..... hehehe
I was a bit nervous for the probe to go in. I was worried that maybe I'd only have one egg, or no egg, or the worst case scenario, that I'd have cysts and this cycle would be a bust. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about.. and then some. Seems me talking to my eggs to do their thing - worked. I have 3 eggs on the right side and 5 on the other - yup, add that up, it equals 8! And I thought 5 was a huge number the first time - well, this third time sure kicks that ones butt. Dr H said, a couple times, that we're really pushing it - with the multiples factor. He asked if I was willing to take that risk, to which I replied 'Oh yeah I am'.
The protocol for this month is: starting cycle day 3 (tomorrow) I'll be doing 100mg of Clomid a day for 5 days & starting on cycle day 5, I also start doing injections of Gonal F. I think I should apologize to Dusty and Mariah now, for what I'm sure will be some unpleasant moments in the days to come. That Clomid can be a ..... bitch inducing, drug. :)
Come on 8 eggs, do your thing - let's make us a baby (or 2) this month!
3 eggs – where'd the others go?
Cycle day 9 - Went to the clinic this morning and I must say, I'm a bit bummed. I started off with 8 eggs, 7 days ago, only to end up with 3 that will be good to go. <-- I said I'm feeling a bit sad because, the first IUI we had 5 eggs, the second we had 2, and neither time did it work - why would 3 work? :) I'm such a bummer........... maybe it's the Clomid? Let me tell you, the Clomid is no fun at all. Some women (very few) are fortunate for Clomid not to affect them too much. Others, get side effects like: seriously irrational/moody, headaches, bloated <-- to which, I'm suffering all 3 - oh goody! :)
Dr H made me pee in another cartoon Dixie cup <-- I'm thinking that it's about time for them to get some real 'sample' cups for us poor women to use. We have to go through enough, let alone to have to walk down the hallway, through many other offices, carrying our cartoon Dixie cup of urine. When I got to the washroom, another woman had just gotten in there as well. Well, the look on her face when she saw my Dixie cup, was enough to force me to hurry up and pee in it, and get out of there so fast, I didn't have time to wash my hands. It was enough that she was wondering why I was carrying an empty cup in the first place, I didn't want to be the topic of conversation at her next family meal - talking about the weird girl in the bathroom with pee in a cartoon Dixie cup.
Anyways, he was testing for LH and it was a negative - which I figured it would be, considering it's only CD day 9. Though he was only worried I think, because I have one follicle that is 19mm already, so he was worried that my body would be fooled into thinking it was time to release it. Good to go................
I've become quite the actress
Cycle day 10 - And another negative on the OPK - thank goodness. I'm hoping that it's going to read positive on Thursday, and go for the IUI on Friday - come on long weekend.
You know, those of us fighting this battle, and you know who you are, we've become quite the actresses/liars. Admit it - if it came down to a competition between us or Angelina Jolie for a part, we'd kick Angelinas ass. We pretend we're fine, when we're really dying inside. We paste a smile on our faces, when we'd rather do nothing more than curl up into a ball and cry. We say 'It's no big deal' when what we really want to scream is: 'This is killing me, I'm not sure how much longer we can continue trying - HELP US!' If someone asks "How's it going with the whole getting pregnant thing?' We respond 'Oh fine, we're doing good, things are coming along' when really, things couldn't be more uncertain, you don't have a clue what's going on, you're begging God and bargaining with the devil. It's true.... sad, but true. And not only that, but we have to become liars, as well as actresses. How many of you have lied about where you're going when you had yet another ultrasound to deal with? I'll bet at least 75% of you out there, have just called in sick to work, when you had an IUI or IVF booked.
It's tough, it is. I'm not trying to be all down and depressing, I'm just stating the facts as they are. Infertility is so common, and yet such a silent battle, it's so unfair to those of us going through it. I've recently read somewhere that Infertility should be 'labeled' a disease. Maybe if it was a 'disease' maybe then more people would know about it. Maybe there would be more help and or insurance coverage for it. Maybe it wouldn't be such a silent battle. Those questions, could quite possibly never be answered, as so many questions we've faced during this fight, are.
Since I saw Dr H, I had to have another shot last night, one more tonight, and then I'm back for another ultrasound tomorrow (Cycle day 11). Oh the joys of needles, how I hate them. They don't hurt as much as they're scary. I'm a bit better with them now, I don't freak out quite as much, but, that's just me.
Come on, let's do this IUI on Friday! <-- AND, let it be the one! The ultimate one, the one that finally works and makes our dreams come true.
Oh wait - I want to show you something. I've been doing immense amounts of reading, books including:
Love and Infertility - Survival Strageties for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life - by Kristen Magnacca
Conquering Infertility - Dr Alice Domar's Mond/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility - by Alice D Domar, Ph.D
Getting Pregnant - What You Need to Know Right Now - by Niels H Lauersen, M.D, Ph.D and Colette Bouchez
The Infertility Cure - The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies - by Randine Lewis, Ph.D
How To Get Pregnant - by Sherman J. Silber, M.D
New Hope for Couples with Infertility Problems - by Theresa Foy DiGeronimo
I've taken, and passed my Fertility/Pregnancy courses, such as:
Fitness Fertility Specialist
Training for Delivery
Weight Loss After Pregnancy
Wired and Tired - Stress Management
Core Training for Pregnancy
One of the most important things I've learned, is to do with stress. Yes, being infertile makes you stressed, which in turn, makes you infertile. It's a lose, lose cycle. One of the things to do, is to get rid of those damn negative thoughts we all share, like:
"This is never going to happen"
"Why is God punishing me?"
"Why her, and not me?"
All those thoughts, in turn harm our chances of conceiving. I'll fully admit that I'm among the best at using those negative phrases - we all have, and we know they're wrong. They're truly how we feel in that moment, we can't help it. But yes, we can help it. With enough practice, we can change those negative thoughts, into something more positive. Try these:
Instead of "This is never going to happen" say "This is taking a lot longer than we thought it would, but our turn is coming"
Instead of "Why is God punishing us?" say "This is unfair, and I'm OK with that. We're not being punished for anything"
Instead of "Why her and not me?" try "I'm happy for her, which makes me sad for myself, and that's ok - I'm allowed to feel this way. It WILL happen to us and when it does, man, will that baby be loved."
When you're in the heat of the moment, say, you just got your period, it's hard to change the negative thoughts into something positive, this I know. And, if you can't change the negative to a positive, on that particular day, it's ok, just pick yourself up the next day and try again. <-- Easier said than done, again, I know all about it. I have a mantra I say to myself "This will all be worth it in the end. Once we have our baby in our arms, the struggles, the tears the hopelessness, will all be worth it".
There, my quick little self help moment de jour......... sorry, had to be done. Part of the reason of me even writing this journal is to help you out there also going through this, and if I have to add silly little self help moments, so be it, sit back and enjoy them.
You want to see my vagina - here it is
Cycle day 11 - You know, I think Dr H sees my........ bits, more than my own husband does!? I was talking to Katy at work, and telling her how it's just not embarrassing anymore. You want to see my vagina - here it is, in all it's glory hahaha You know you've had one too many internal ultrasounds when you have thoughts like that! hahaha
Anyways, yes, I had to pee in another Dixie cup - oh joy. Turns out, I'm starting to surge, so the IUI will be done tomorrow. Dr H did another internal ultrasound to see what my eggs were doing, and it turns out, I now have 4 eggs, not just 3!! Go egg go! It's funny, because I had said to Dusty, on Monday, that I hoped one more egg would sneak in there somehow. <-- We now think that that last lil egg, will be the one, the one to finally make our dreams come true.
I got the Ovidrel shot while I was at the clinic and we're booked in for tomorrow. Dusty goes in at 2PM and we both go back at 4PM. Dusty wants me to go with him while he 'donates' and I'd love to, really - I'm all over cheering on the boys! So, I think I'll take tomorrow off work. <-- See, remember when I was talking about us infertile women being liars - I told Sarrah (team lead at work) on Monday that I was leaving work early for Mariahs appointment at the Hand Clinic, when in honesty, I had an ultrasound I had to go to. For today, I said I had to take Mariah to her second appointment of the week, but really, it was another ultrasound. So, even though I could work tomorrow, I can't think of another excuse to leave work early - not without either raising suspicions or really pissing someone off. I think I'll just call in sick for tomorrow, and maybe even Friday as well <-- get as much rest and relaxation as possible - give the sperm n egg the best chance possible to do their thing!? We'll see how I feel. It's not like work is super stressful or anything - so I might just take tomorrow off, and go to work on Friday!? Time will tell....................
So <-- a quick note to my lil late egg : Do your thing little one - we're counting on you! <-- OMG, I think I've finally lost it. :O)
The 3rd IUI stats
Cycle day 13 - 1DPIUI - Count me as one of the psychotic, self-diagnosing, internet-obsessive, boob grabbing, overanalyzing gals dealing with the 2WW :) I'm only on CD 13, 1 DPIUI and already becoming more obsessive, by the minute, with analyzing every pain, twinge, cramp, etc. AND it's only going to get worse over the next 13 days! Yikes!
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Cycle day 14 - 2DPIUI - The IUI went well, same ol same ol. <-- Pretty bad when you say 'same ol, same ol' to something like getting in-sperm-inated. I'm a bit worried though, I'm trying not to be, but it's in my nature, I'm a worrier through and through. Turns out Dusty count, is WAY down. The first time it was 11,000,000, then it went to 12,000,000 but this last one, it was only 5,000,000. Not too sure how the counts can go down like that, but really, by the time sperm comes out, it's already about 3 months old. So we'd have to figure out what was going on 3 months ago, to know why the count was low. It could be just that he was sick around that time, or stressed. Or it could be just that the 'donation' was at 2PM and usually it's done first thing in the morning <-- Sperm counts are higher in the mornings. Still hoping that one little late comer egg, will be our miracle.
Oh, and you're probably all wondering how it went with Dustys 'donation'. Well, it was definitely an experience, to say the least. They call you into a wee little room, get you to sign some forms and such. Then they feel the need to tell you that saliva kills sperm <-- I guess that was a hint for me hahaha I already knew about the saliva thing, but hey, it's his job to inform, and inform he did! :) Anyways, then you're left alone in the wee room to do your thing. There's no movies, just a few magazines - and not even very good ones at that - they didn't do a thing for me LOL So, I worked my womanly...... whatever, and the deed was done - we went for something to eat after. hahaha
I've been cramping, bloating and having weird feelings in my uterus since, not sure how to explain the uterus thing, but it's definitely not the norm. <-- Maybe that's a good thing - maybe that means that this one will work!? <-- Positive thinking at it's finest!
Oh, and cuz my temps were all messed up from all the meds, the day after the IUI, which is when I should have had a higher temp, wasn't very high. Only 0.1 higher than the day before, but it was 98.0 <-- which can be a post 'O' temp, when they're not messed up. This morning it was 98.4 - so definitely indicating O, but still hoping the 98 was indicating 'O' first. I wouldn't want to 'O' 2 days after the IUI as washed sperm doesn't live as long as fresh sperm - I think they say about 24 hours!?
Ah, what can we do but sit it out and pray with everything we have that this is the magic one, and that our miracle is about to happen.
'International Make a Difference Day'
Cycle day 17 & 5DPIUI - Not too much to report - I just wanted to add a wee tid bit of info for you: The day we had the IUI done, it was 'International Make a Difference Day'. I'm hoping that Dr H followed suit and has made a difference in my day by helping to get me pregnant! :)
Also, been super bloated, crampy and wee pains/stitches ever since the IUI <-- that's never happened before.......... weird.
The pain, I just can't explain it...
Cycle day 2 - As you can see by the cycle day I'm on, our 3rd and final IUI wasn't a success. I was pretty much expecting it to be negative, since I was taking pregnancy tests at home up to and including the day of the blood test, that were all negative. But, like I've said before, that doesn't take the pain out of hearing a stranger over the phone tell me that the test was negative, yet again. In fact, this negative result was very........... devastating. As I was standing there, waiting for the woman to come back on the phone to tell me the result, I was shaking. I was pretty sure what she was going to say, but that didn't stop me from doing some last minute praying that she'd come back and surprise me with a positive result. When she came back on the phone, her words 'Unfortunately, it was a negative result....' were among the worst words I've heard in my life! I compare what I felt in that moment, to finding out (again, over the phone) that one of my best friends was killed in a car accident, by a drunk driver, or when my Gramma passed away. It was an all over feeling of loss, dread and pure hopelessness. I couldn't take it a second longer, as soon as she said 'negative', I lost it. Full on, open mouth, loud crying. Dusty had to take the phone and tell her I couldn't talk anymore. He got off the phone as soon as he could and came to me, to hold me and comfort me as I was dealing with one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I couldn't stop crying and wondering 'Why us!? After this long, after everything we've been through, after all the praying we've done, why us, is it ever going to happen......'. There is no way to prepare yourself for news like that. You go through it in your head many times before. You think about what you'd do or say if the test finally came back positive. You think about how you'll deal with it if the test is negative. Either way, I wasn't prepared nor ready to hear what I did. I cried on and off for a good couple hours. I'd just finally stop crying again, when I'd either think about it, or I'd look at Dusty, and I'd start crying all over again. Then, I had to call my Mom. When she answered the phone, I said 'Hi' to which she replied 'Soooooo...?' And that was it, I didn't talk much for the rest of the phone call. All I could do was cry, tell her how much it hurt, cry, and ask her why us. It was a very sad conversation, but I was glad she was there for me.
We're officially on our own now. We can't afford anymore IUI's and we'll never be able to afford IVF. Yes, we can still try the old fashioned way, but the odds are definitely against us - at a 5% chance each month and a 50% chance of it ever happening over a 5 year period. You try to forget the odds and think positive, but come on, after this long, and so many disappointments, it's a little hard to think positive anymore. I don't know............I don't know what more I can say - aside from 'THIS SUCKS - it's VERY unfair - why us and please God, we could use a miracle. AND, one more thing, if anyone says 'You're about to go on your honeymoon, it'll happen then', I'll slap them, honestly I will.
I'm going to call the clinic today and just see if I can get in to see Dr H one last time. I want to ask if there's anything Dusty can take to increase his sperm, as it seems to be declining. I'm also going to ask if we can at least do clomid or something - even if it only increases our odds to 6% each month, I'll take it. Yes, they suck, as I'm sure Dusty and Mariah will agree, but like I said, even if they only up our odds by 1%, I'm willing to deal with the side effects.
I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others
Cycle day 4 - I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others. Since it was our last shot at an IUI, which would give us a much higher chance of getting pregnant, I'm finding myself...... sad, frustrated, feeling hopeless and just an overall sense of... loss, I guess would be the best word. I guess it's only natural that this 'negative' be a bit harder to take than the others, I just wasn't really expecting it to be like this. One minute I'm fine, doing my thing, the next minute, I'm fighting tears, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair this whole situation is. I want nothing more than to make other people understand what this is like. I'm not even sure why I want people to understand this pain. Am I looking for more sympathy? More understanding? Another shoulder to cry on? Someone to vent to? I'm not sure, but there are so many clueless people out there it would make your head spin. Like this evening, I was training my clients, both of whom know all about my battle with infertility, and I shit you not, for a good 1/2 an hour, they talked about nothing but babies. They're both about to be Grammas (again, for one of them) and I can understand their excitement, but really, did they forget where they were? Were they just not thinking? Could they not see in my face that it's killing me having them talk about babies, in front of me? I was so close to crying and running out of the room - if they only knew. Babies, babies, everywhere someone is talking about babies, we can't get away from it.
OK, for all you people out there, who already have kids, think about them for a minute. Think about the day they were born, the joy and love you felt when you first laid eyes on your little baby. Think about their first smile, their first laugh - you know the laugh I'm talking about - the one where their whole body got in on it and you thought it was the cutest thing you ever saw in your life. How about your baby's first step, first word, first day of kindergarten. All the while, standing back and wondering how it is you can love someone so much, how you'd throw yourself in front of a speeding train, if it meant saving them from even just a moment of pain. Are you feeling all warm and fuzzy now? Well, imagine that being taken away from you, it was just a tease, it's not really yours. Imagine your life now, without your child/children, without that unconditional love, but wanting it more than you have ever wanted anything in your entire life!? I have 3 little words to say to you now - Welcome to infertility!
I don't know - there's so much that is unfair about this whole situation, I don't even know where to start!? The clueless people are at the top of the list. If they've never been through it themselves, they'll never truly understand, there's no way they can. Even reading this journal doesn't give them near enough of an idea of what we go through. What we have to deal with. The pain of answering the age old question of 'So, are you pregnant yet?'. The pure heartache when your period comes, right on schedule - or worse yet, a day or 2 late. I could talk about the unfairness of it all until I'm blue in the face, but only those of us suffering it, can truly understand it.
I thank God everyday for my friends, family, gorgeous daughter and my wonderful husband. Without them, there's no way I could have made it this far through. Without them, I would have given up a long time ago. Without them, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. There are many women and couples going through this battle, alone, feeling isolated, shunned and just plain not understood. For them, I want to cry. For them, my heart goes out. No one should have to face this alone, no one.
I was finally able to download a song called 'I'd Die for That' by Kellie Coffey. I had heard about it before, but wasn't able to find it. It's a song all about infertility and man, did it make me cry. I know I'm not alone in this battle, that there are many, many others out there going through the same thing, but sometimes, you still feel alone. You feel alone because no one you personally know is going through it. You feel alone because everyone you know is getting pregnant. You feel alone because there's no way to describe to someone on the outside, the pain you feel on the inside. You know how a song can have a special meaning to you? Like the song from back in your high school days that reminds you of a certain crush you had. Or you wedding song, that reminds you of that very special day when you and your husband finally became one. Well, this song, 'I'd Die for That' will now remind me of this battle. It'll remind me of a point in my life, when I stood, trembling on the brink of choices so enormous that I could hardly breathe. It'll remind me to not take anything for granted, even the small things, for you don't know when they'll be gone. And I will know, that through it all, even though I felt alone, that I was actually surrounded by love and support. And I'll know, that if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything, together.
Some words from my friend, Bre:
I'm so sorry for the heartache this whole thing has caused you. If I could take on your pain and suffering through all this, I would if only to relieve you of it for a moment. You guys have been through a lot, and you've seemed pretty strong through the whole thing...and you are strong. Your strength has inspired so many people, and I hope you know that. I know that saying this does nothing for the situation, but I guess I just wanted you to know that even though you may not feel strong, you are and you have a world of love around you. Again, things that don't really help, but hopefully it will at least put a warm fuzzy feeling inside of you. You guys make such a great couple, and I hope to have what you have one day. I hope none of what I've said pisses you off and makes you want to slap me... :) I love you mucho, and I imagine your sense of loss and am trying to understand how it feels, but of course do not....but know that I am here for whatever you need me to be...a listening ear, entertainment, comic relief, distraction, love, comfort...you name it and it's yours.
Wow, I know I don't know how you feel at all, but I understand that it must be very difficult and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not really sure what other options you guys are thinking about and if money is the main thing standing in the way, but I think you should keep trying. If I could give you a baby I would, and maybe I still can one day? You are one of the only people I would even consider carrying a child for... :) I'm sorry, I don't know if this stuff makes you feel better or worse...whatever you do Shawna, don't blame yourself. Dusty loves you and having you is already a gift to him. I love you so much and want you guys to be happy....xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxx
See, that’s why I thank God everyday for my friends. I’m a lucky person to have friends like that!
And, I’m one of the only people she’d consider carrying a baby for!? Just her saying those words, are enough to bring tears to my eyes, to know that I’m loved so much that someone is willing to do that for me – there aren’t enough words to describe what that means to me.
Words from my best friend, up North:
‘Shawna, whatever you do, don’t give up. I don’t feel it’s over for you guys yet. I’m not sure if that means you’re going to get pregnant, or someone is going to give you a baby, but either way, I don’t feel it’s over…’
I really hope she’s right, I do. That’s the funny thing about fighting the infertility battle, when I first started out, before I even knew what the word ‘Infertility’ meant, I wanted one baby. Now, on the other hand, I want as many as I can get. If I got pregnant and someone wanted to give me their baby as well, I’d be one happy camper. The more the merrier.
It hurts, it really does
Cycle day 16 - Last week Dusty and I were heading to acupuncture, as usual. As soon as we parked, it dawned on me that they were going to ask how out IUI went. It was in that moment, that I dreaded going, for the first time ever. I thought I was doing pretty good that week, turns out, I was wrong. Just the thought of my acupuncturist saying 'So, how did it go - do you have good news for us?' made me want to run for the hills. It's not just that, but I also knew that she'd then say 'And how does that make you feel?' or 'How do you feel about that?'. Those, in my opinion, are the stupidest questions, ever. That's like asking someone who just got diagnosed with cancer, how they feel about it. How do they think I'd feel about it? Seriously, is it something they truly have to ask?
We ended up being an hour early for your appt - to which we took awhile to figure out if we just wanted to cancel and come again at our scheduled time next week. We finally decided to go for a walk, but as soon as I stepped outside, I started crying. Dusty held my hand and brought me to the car - then leaned over, hugged me and asked, 'Is it because they were going to ask you how the IUI went?'. Such a smart husband I have. He gave me another hug, then I asked him to go inside and cancel our appointment and explain that I was just too upset to go.
See, that's the thing about this.... struggle. It doesn't just affect part of your life, it affects it all. I have to tell virtual strangers about very personal and emotional things in my life, and then deal with the stupid questions that follow. I think when we go again tomorrow, I'll tell her that it didn't work and please don’t ask how I feel about it or how stressed I am because of it. It didn't work, end of story, now let's get to working on me so I can get pregnant. Friends, family.. sure, I can talk about it without crying now, but strangers, people who don't have a clue what it's like? Nope, not ready .....
I've also been asked a couple of times now about maybe going public with our battle. Getting my journal out there and maybe a newspaper write up or something. When it was first suggested to me, I flat out said 'Hell no, I don't need the entire world knowing about my personal life.' Since then, however, I am considering it. If I want my journal published, the world is going to know anyways, so why not. And besides, if it helps just one other woman, to me, it'll be worth it. What I'm going to do is send out just a small part (maybe a couple paragraphs) of this journal and ask about them maybe doing an article on Infertility. I'm sure Dr H would be all over getting in on it too. I know how unfair he thinks it is that there's no coverage for fertility treatments, and how he'd love to get the word out. We'll see what people say about my suggestion - I'll have to add the fact that it affects 1 in 6 couples, emphasize how common, yet silent, it is.
Oh, I should also mention, that I sent Bre little segments of my journal (though she's read it all), and asked her if she'd be interested in 'writing' a song for our battle. I picked out the sentences/phrases that I thought were the most.... relevant, etc. She said it's a fabulous idea and when she comes home in 3 weeks, she's going to bring her guitar over and we'll work on a song. <-- She's such a sweetie and I can't wait to see what she comes up with.
One more thing. There's a woman at work, Theresa, who knew about our first IUI (as I pretty much told the entire office, I was so excited). Anyways, after that one didn't work, she didn't much ask too many questions, though I could always tell she wanted to. Well, I ended up talking to her the other day. Told her the last IUI didn't work, the stuff we've been through, and what we have to go through now, and I must say, for someone who hasn't experienced infertility herself, she's remarkably helpful and easy to talk to about the subject. I was impressed. She didn't offer lame advice or anything, in fact, just me talking to her, brought tears to her eyes, I could tell she was hurting for us. It was sweet. So you just never know who will end up being on your side and a shoulder to cry on - can turn out to be someone you never thought would understand. Theresa was also one of the people suggesting I go public, and to start a 'trust fund' for people to donate to, so maybe some day we can afford a round of IVF. Time will tell.......................
She gets 2, and I still don't even have 1?
Cycle day 17 – 3 DPO – Well, here I sit, at work, wishing I were anywhere but here. Not that that is an unusual feeling of mine – I quite frequently wish I wasn’t here. But, I just found out, my friend Christina, the pregnant one, just told me she’s having twins. TWINS!? She gets 2 and I still get none. Where is the fairness in that? Oh how I wish I didn’t train tonight, I’d just go home and drink. She apologizes for telling me through email, but she didn’t know when or where else to tell me, and she didn’t want me to hear it from her friends Mom, my client. I appreciate her telling me before my client did, but it still hurts. She had originally said that she’s sending me an email to my home address, as the news from her tests might upset me and she didn’t want to do that to me at work. But, I guessed it was twins and told her if it was that, that she can tell me. I’d be a bit more jealous, but that I could deal with it. Turns out, I’m not ‘dealing’ with it like I thought I would. As soon as I read the words on my computer screen, my heart started beating a bit faster (as it does when I get upset) and I just wanted to go home and cry.
It’s so unfair that I even have these feelings in the first place. I should be proud and happy for my friend that she’s pregnant and expecting twins – but I’m not – not at all. I’m jealous, I’m angry that it still hasn’t happened for us, I’m sad because it brings up the struggle we’ve been fighting for the past 2 years and I’m frustrated, because it feels like it’ll never happen for us.
I’ll be fine in a couple days, but today, I’m not and I’m not afraid to say so. Christina was telling me to laugh at her, because she kept wishing twins and triplets on me when we were going through our fertility treatments and now she’s the one having twins. I wasn’t afraid to tell her that I’m in no mood to laugh right now, that it’s going to take me a day or 2 to get over this.
So unfair what this whole battle does to a person/couple. Not much more to say………..
Her too?
I sit here writing this through a haze of tears - I'm so tired of all the tears!! I want to know when it's going to be our turn at all this happiness that everyone else is experiencing. I don't know how much more a person can take. 2 days ago I found out that Christina, the pregnant friend, is actually expecting twins, and today, I just found out that my other friend at work, Katy, is now pregnant as well. It hurts me so bad, there aren't enough words to describe the pain I feel right now. Infertility is a very selfish battle and I find it very hard, if not impossible, to feel happy for those experiencing now, what I'd die to have myself. It's just so unfair that we have to go through hell trying for what they get so easily. It brings up all our 'failures' and the fact that, 2 years later, all we have to show for our battle is debt, sadness and tears.
Shitty, shitty November
Alright, indulge me for a minute, I’m about to outline a pretty shitty month for a couple fighting infertility
November :
~ Find out our 3rd and final IUI didn’t work
~ 2 weeks later, find out that my friend who’s pregnant, is actually expecting twins
~ 2 short days after that, I find out my only friend here at work, is now pregnant as well
~ And yet another 4 days later I find out that my lesbian friends, found out they’re pregnant too
~ And again, 4 days later, I get my period, putting us at over 2 years of trying now.
Can you say depressing? Man this month has been awful. I’m surprised I have any tears left!!
I was really hoping to join in on the pregnancy fun that everyone seemed to be starting, but it seems, someone has a different plan for me. I’m kinda sick of that ‘someone’s other plans for me’. I’m ready to join the masses, get pregnant and end my journal – send it out to all who want to read it. Let them know they’re not alone, and show them that this stupid … battle, can be won! I’m all for being the face of infertility and proving, that no matter what the Drs tell you, they don’t know all. They can be wrong, and have been wrong before.
Speaking of which, a lot has also been going on as well. I had a friend suggest seeing a Naturopath to see if we can maybe get some help that way. So, Dusty and I went and talked to 2 different ones, as we wanted to make sure we shopped around and felt comfortable with one, if we chose to go that route. We saw 2 very knowledgeable, women Naturopaths, who talked to us about what they do, about dealing with infertility, and offering us possible things they’d do.
I’ve been contemplating it over and over on weather to go ahead and try this as well. After all the things we’ve been through, why would this work. And, to top it off, this is to be paid, out of pocket. Not a cheap thing to do, since the first appointment alone, is $120.00 per person. Then you can add on top of that, the $90.00 per person for the follow up appointment, and any other appointment as well, PLUS, any herbs or vitamins they suggest.
We’re still trying to pay off the $4000.00 worth of treatments at the fertility clinic, and to add this, as well. At first I thought, yeah, let’s do it, it certainly can’t hurt. Now, I’ve also been thinking about switching to an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility, and they’re way more expensive as well. Money, money, everywhere we turn, someone is asking for more money, when we ask for help. It’s so unfair. So many people out there can get pregnant easily or at least within a year, and don’t need help. Us, fighting infertility, have to keep on fighting and fighting, trying not to give up and handing out money every where we turn. If this stuff was all covered by medical, I’d be all over trying everything we can. Because it’s not covered, we have to weigh our options and decide what we can and can’t afford, and right now, that’s not a lot.
I don’t know. Our medical covers acupuncture and a Naturopath, both at 80% but only to a maximum of $300 per year, and let me tell you, that doesn’t cover very much. My first appointment with the new acupuncturist, is going to cost me $115.00, and $70.00 each and every time after that. In medical terms, about a months worth. Same with the Naturopath, 80% to a maximum of $300.00 per year. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s great that they cover at least some of it, but $300 – can’t buy you much. So maybe, what we should do, is I’ll go to the expensive acupuncturist and Dusty and I should go see a Naturothapth, but only until our $300.00 is up, and stop after that – meaning again, about a month. ç Better than nothing I guess.
We’re a bit worried. One of the Naturopaths we talked to was saying that she’d put us both on a 80 -90 cleanse – and one of the things she said wouldn’t be in it – gluten!? Are you fuckin kidding me? Gluten is in everything, and you want me to eliminate it out of my diet. So, not only do I have to fight this horrible battle, but now we’d have to be reminded of it each and every time we eat, because we hate what we’re eating? Wow – where do we draw the line?
Also, we had another appointment with Dr H last night. That one too, as you can probably guess, was depressing. We talked about how the IUI’s went, and how disappointing it was that none of them worked. I asked about maybe starting Clomid for a couple months, just to feel I’m doing something. He said he’d be more than willing to do that for me, however, Clomid does have it’s side effects, including: not as good quality of eggs and thinning of the lining – not to mention the Clomid rage I get. He said it would be ideal for us to do a round of IVF, however, we just can’t see ever being able to afford that! $10,000 and there’s a 50% chance that it’ll work. Now, 50% is a WAY better chance than out 5% now, but, for $10,000 it’s not that great of odds. I told him, if he could guarantee me to get pregnant, I’d have that $10,000 for him tomorrow. He also said, of course, that we still have a chance to get pregnant on our own – this time though, he said a 20% chance of it happening over a 5 year period. 20%!? What the fuck – pardon my French. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that he said a 50% chance, and now it’s down to 20!? How the hell did that happen? Man, Drs have a way of totally depressing a person.
I started asking about what we can do for Dustys sperm, since it seems to vary so much. He looked at the charts and said that yes, Dusty sperm does vary a lot and there are vitamins/supplements that have been shown to help. ç He has his own ‘blend’ made up for the fertility clinic and it’s going to cost about $75.00 per month, but he suggests to try it for the next 3 months, to see if that makes a difference. He thinks that our problems might be more sperm related than we originally thought. That’s when I told him about Dustys ex-girlfriend. They were together for 3 years, and didn’t use birth control, and she never got pregnant – but has had kids since.
Dustys going to try the sperm blend, I like to call it, for the next 3 months, and pray that it helps. What he does today, could get me pregnant on our honeymoon in February – and I’m all for that!
Here’s a lil something, something for you. I’m sitting here at work typing this when I get an email titled ‘Newest addition’ How’s that for a slap in the face at work – great, send around pictures of babies, when I’m fighting so hard just to get pregnant – fab-u-fuckin-lous! I know, I know, they don’t know I’m fighting this, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s times like these – that I want to send out my entire journal to be read by all at work. That way, they have no excuses of sending me shit like that, or the upcoming talking to Katy, behind me, about her upcoming baby. I’m terrified for when I get back from our honeymoon, when I’ll have to sit here and listen to people congratulate her and talk to her about being pregnant.
Anyways, that’s the skinny on what’s going on since I last wrote. A horribly shitty month indeed and I hope that’s the end of it. Let’s move onto some good news for a change, news that will make me smile, not cry.
Oh, one more thing. I actually thought we had a chance to join in the pregnancy fun this month. I’m on absolutely NO meds, I refuse to do the progesterone anymore – no more having a stranger over the phone tell me I’m not pregnant! Anyways, because I’m not taking it, I expect my luteal phase to be about 10 – 12 days tops. Well, come 13DPO – my temp was still up. I was excited and took a pregnancy test, which, confusingly, turned negative. Well, I didn’t think too much about it, was confused, but carried on. A couple hours later, after going to the bathroom, I notice spotting. As everyone out there, trying to get pregnant, knows, we pray that it’s what they call implantation spotting – as I also seemed to have had a ‘implantation dip’ as well – at 6DPO. Ahhh, it was not meant to be, again. Within 2 hours of that, the bitch was here, full force, almost bringing me to my knees with the cramps and back pain. So sad……
If it weren't for my friends..
I have to add a couple words from friends here, I’m sure you’ll see, my friends kick ass, and, can even make me giggle on days I’d rather cry…
Bre:
I'm sorry to hear about this sequence of hard news. Especially hard for you I know as this subject never leaves your mind. Every piece seems like a direct hit to you I'm sure, but it is not so. Of course it feels that way but like all terrible feelings, it too will eventually pass and you will feel your lovely, warm giggly self again. Maybe this is the perfect time for a vacation no? :) Of course, you can never put a time frame to when you'll feel yourself again and there is no hurry because it is really not something that you can be expected to "suck up". What you've been through is probably one of the hardest things anyone has ever had to face. I am thinking of you always and how hard it has been wishing that anything I said or did could make you feel even a shade better and brighter. I love you, but I know that's not enough sometimes. How can I help you my dear friend? Tell me what you need from me and I will do my veryberrybestest to give it to you!
I can call you? Do you want a phone call filled with Bre-love? If you text me I can call you pronto...***-***-****....day or night....I'm almost always awake....I can listen, sing to you, play for you, yell at you (some people are into that), tell you terrible jokes, describe what I had for dinner, watch TV and give you a play-by-play, talk to you about stupid America, tell you all about the magic that is a beer brewery, tell what color I want to paint my toenails....any of these things appealing???
Be strong lady. You are my hero.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Love, love, love, me.
Katy:
I did a bit of a naked fertility dance last night in the shower, but I will make Nick do a full on naked fertility dance tonight ;) There will be things jiggling on me that should not jiggle, but it will be worth it!
And a story she told me, to try to cheer me up:
Ok, poop and alpha ghetties – It’s about Nicks brother C when he was still in diapers, but big enough to sit up and play around. Steve (their dad) was home by himself with C and he went to check on him as C was having his nap. Steve walked in, and found that C had taken off his diaper and decided that the raisin like poop looked tasty. He had poop all over his face, hands, the crib, his clothes…and then all in his mouth and plastered to the few teeth he had. Steve cleaned up his hands, changed his clothes but didn’t know what to do to get the pooh out of his mouth. Rose comes in the door not long after to find C in his high chair and Steve shoveling alpha ghetties down his throat, cringing away looking like he was going to throw up. I don’t know how in the end they got the poop out, but now we get to call C a shit eater :D
Still from Katy:
Hey
Don’t even think about how I feel about this, I completely understand that this is hard for you and I don’t expect you to be all buddy buddy with me. I will do whatever I can to make this easier for you and I understand that you might not want to talk to me or even turn around and look at me, I wont take it personally so don’t worry. I will definitely hold off on telling people at work until you are away on your cruise, I'll tell them the first day you are gone so they get it all out of their system. I still have my hopes that it won’t come to that, that you will be pregnant soon and we will be able to go through this together. I hate that you have to go through this and it hurts knowing that you are going through so much pain. This is definitely one of the shittiest things to go through and I want you to be ok. It took me awhile to write back to you, I didn’t know what to say at first. I had a cry because on one hand I'm excited for myself, but then I am so sad for you and I wish I could make this happen for you, I wish there was something I could do for you. You said infertility is a selfish thing, but it’s ok to be selfish because of what you have gone through. If you don’t want to talk to me, just don’t and I will understand, I will be here to talk if/when you are ready and I will wait for you to start the talk because I don’t want to pressure you into dealing with talking to me when you aren’t ready.
From Corrina:
Sorry you had a ruff weekend hunny : ( If we lived closer I would have helped you drown sorrows for sure! We would make fun of other people for a while, then lip off some people that can't understand English for a bit, go out on a rediculously expensive and indulging dinner date, followed by too much wine and some dancing, act like silly lesbos in public, then spoon the night away... the next day we'd feel bad about it all, laugh at the funny moments cuz I would be making you laugh the whole time, then you would repay me by making me slave and yell at me to work it!!! at the gym... lets pretend that all just happened...
xoxoxox - throwing happy thoughts at you right now... muuaahhh!!
I can’t ever say, with enough words, how much my friends have meant to me through-out this entire process. Without them, well, I don’t even want to think about that.
Ok, how about this. I won't write in here again, til I can say something funny, tell a funny story and tell some good news? Sorry for the depressing last few entries, but hey, they come with the territory - we're doing the best with what we've been dealt. But, I WILL have some good news or a funny story next time, that is my promise. :)
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