1 day away from officially going public. Wow, now that it's happening tomorrow, I find myself feeling... stressed, nervous, anxious yet slightly excited. I can't believe that it's actually going to happen - that people I don't even know and all of those that I do know, are about to know everything about my VERY personal, private life. I've been consumed by a flood of emotions today, and not sure what to do with myself. I'm angry that we even have to do all this, but excited in the fact that we might even be able to help others in the process.
I think what worries me the most, right now, is going back to work after our trip. Once I walk through the doors on that first day back, I have to face the fact that everyone there will know - everything. Our pain, our frustrations, the highs, the lows, our intimate thoughts and feelings and yet, most of them hardly know me. And top that off with the fact that Katy will be telling them all about her pregnancy, I'm actually terrified to go back to work. Will people treat me any different? Will they look at me with sympathy or even look at me with ... disdain for even going public with my private life? And with Katy being pregnant, will they be talking to her all the time about her baby - in front of me? That, I'm not sure how I'll deal with it. Will I just get up and walk away/go home? Will I stay seated at my desk and just cry? I'm scared, I really am.
This whole thing isn't fair to Katy either, she should be able to yell it from the rooftops and have anyone who wants to, talk to her about her and her baby. But like I've said before, this battle doesn't come with instructions on how to deal with other pregnant women, other pregnancy announcements or just daily life in general. 9 days of out 10, it's all I can do just to go to work in the first place - facing our infertility each and every morning by just seeing Katy. And for that, I apologize to Katy but yet thank her for being so understanding.
I sent our 'blog' to Christina today, to check it out and see what she thinks. She loves it - YAY! Also, when I got home, I had an email, stating that we have received our first donation - from Christina! I couldn't believe it, after everything she's done for us, and she goes and does this!? Christina - thank you, thank you, a million times, we thank you. But no, we will NOT name our first child together, Christina! hehehe
Also, on our 1 day away from going public, yes, The Bitch arrived - poetic, no!? Ahhh, what can we do!? Christina told me to not let it get me down, to not let it ruin our trip - and this is what I replied back:
'Kinda hard not to let myself get bummed – on Sunday – it’s officially 27 months!! IT SUCKS!!! All my family and friends I’m sure have given up on us conceiving on our own, but we haven’t – we pray each n every month that this is our lucky month – it’s no different than it was before we got told our odds. I guess that’s hard for other people to understand – I know everyone has given up and is just waiting on IVF – but we haven’t and never will. We’ll be picking up a prescription for Clomid for our honeymoon – a last ditch effort before, hopefully, moving on to IVF!? But, we will continue to hope n pray each month – whether it be au natural or Clomid or IVF – we will never give up hope. I think it’s hard, if not impossible, for someone who’s never been through this, to see how we can even hope to get pregnant, after this long of trying. But really, it’s no different than it was 6 months or even a year ago – it still hurts just as much when it doesn’t happen and we still pray just as hard.'
Well, I'm off - my last journal entry before going public tomorrow - wish us luck, we could use it. And please, keep checking back or click the 'Follow this blog' button at the end, as we'll keep adding entries and keeping everyone posted on our journey, from here on out.
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