Our 1st IUI

Cycle day 3 - day of our first appointment at the Fertility Clinic, for doing our IUI. I'm not sure if it's because the appointment was on a holiday and everyone wanted to get home or not, but man, they had us in there and doing stuff ASAP. As soon as we were in there they had us putting on little booties over our shoes - since we were on the 'laboratory' side of the clinic - where the 'dirty work' is done and the embryos are kept. We were then ushered into a room, where I was instructed to 'get nekkid' from the waist down and lay on the 'bed'. Okay, now, if you were just paying attention, I said I was on cycle day 3 - yup, that means I have my period. I then had to tell the nurse that I had a tampon in, to which she said there was a bathroom down the hall, and that she'd put a pad on the 'bed' for me. As embarrassing as that sounds, it really wasn't - I'm sure they've seen worse.

The internal ultrasound was quick and productive - the Dr stating that I had many eggs, and he doesn't want to go too crazy with the meds because of this. Quick mental thought 'This is the second time I've been told I have good eggs and many of them - maybe that's true, but if so - why haven't I gotten pregnant yet? Could it be that they're dryer than the Sahara desert inside? hehe'
Ok, I'm back. Well, I got dressed and we headed back out to the reception area. About 5 minutes later Dr H comes back out and goes on to explain about the medication he's putting me on. I'll be doing 112.5 IU of Gonal F per day, starting on cycle day 5, and again on day 6, 7 and 8. On the 9th day, I'm to come back to the clinic and have yet another ultrasound - find out how my eggs have responded to the drugs. Once he sees my eggs, he'll then decide if I need to do more days on the Gonal F or not. By the way, just 4 days worth of it, cost us $475.00 - ouch! Let's hope we don't need more.

Ahhh, the waiting game begins...



Cycle day 5 - D Day - or shall I call it Gonal F day? That's right, in just a couple hours I will be receiving my first shot of Gonal F - in my belly, that my husband is injecting me with. I loooove tattoos, just hate needles hehe. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm sure it will be alright.

Oh yeah, and when we were in the clinic on Tuesday, by the way the Dr was talking, he was going to get me to do the OPK's in order to determine when I ovulate - then call them to book in for my IUI the next day. Well, because I don't usually get a true positive on those silly things, when I go back to the clinic on Monday for my ultrasound, I'm going to ask to get the HCG trigger shot. That would force me to ovulate the next day - and it'll be better timed. We're paying alot of money to do this - I don't wan to risk missing my ovulation day because I didn't get a true positive again - no way - no thanks. For the extra $80, or whatever the shot costs, I'll be more than willing to have yet another needle this month, if only to guarantee when I'll ovulate.

Also, I went to my family Dr about a week before my birthday, for the sole purpose of getting him to send me to get my progesterone levels checked. Well, he kept saying that progesterone has nothing to do with getting and or staying pregnant, and didn’t put it on my papers to get tested. So, again, when I go in to the clinic again on Monday, I'm going to TELL then I want my progesterone checked on day 21 - no if's, and's or but's about it. I'll go to a walk in clinic if I have to - to get them to sign papers for me.

Wish me luck with my first shot.......................


Tanyas email


Well, Dusty gave me my first shot last night - man was I scared. I knew I was nervous to begin with, but once I was laying down on the couch and that needle was headed my way, I was so ready to jump up and run as fast as I could to get away from it. Turns out, it's not that bad, scary, but it didn't hurt too bad. I had a pain or two after, when I moved, but nothing bad at all.

One more hour and I'll be receiving my second of the 4 shots, Lord be with me hahaha

Ok, I have to say, I got an email today from my best friend, and it's got me feeling..... sad, and guilty. Here it is:

"Ahh, Shawna, first -- don't you ever fucken think that you can't talk about this EVER. That is just stupid - it is a major part of your life and you should talk about it, it may even help you to accept what is happening with you better/ on a different level. Getting other peoples input might be what you need to not cry some days and besides that 'healthy venting' is very good for your stress level; hence, your chances of getting pregnant must increase.

Secondly, read what you typed about your cards -- I truly believe that is the key. Without wanting piss you off, please don't take this the wrong way - it would be much easier in person not typing. Maybe you are really at that point now where you have to accept and come to peace with what your body is / isn't doing and what exactly you and Dusty are willing to participate in. Meaning, how many times do you try the IUI etc. and when do you come to terms with Gods plans for you and your family? Certainly not easy thoughts / questions but I think they need to be addressed (i'm sure you have already - but to what extent?). The thing is - you are not going to be at peace until you are either pregnant or make peace with the possibility of not being pregnant. By NO means do I think you should give up - please don't misinterpret my words that way - I just feel so sad for you and I want you to find some form of relief, what ever that is. Things always work out, not always as we hope and plan, but eventually they do. Your thoughts become things and you need to be happy. I love you - you have a wonderful husband, daughter (who i seen last night) and family. Maybe being really happy for what you have will make you less sad for what you don't? I don't know Shawna, I'm just sick for you and want so badly to hear good news from you --- today may your Dr surprise you!"

Number one - glad to hear I can talk about it, in fact, it sounds like if I DON'T talk about it, she might kick my ass. And... coming to terms with never conceiving a child of our own - would we ever be able to do that? I guess maybe that time might come, but for now, I'm not there. Dusty and I have talked about this topic - ALOT. When is the time to finally come to terms with not being able to get pregnant, be happy with what we have, and move on!? If we do finally say 'Enough is enough, we're done', would we ever truly believe we were done? Would we not still be hoping every month for it to finally have happened? Would we adopt or get foster kids? Believe me, we've talked about it til we're blue in the face.

I think another part of Tanyas email that got to me, was that it's coming from someone who has never gone through anything like this - she has her two gorgeous kids, one boy and one girl - just like she always planned on having. When I first read the email, I was angry, Im not gonna lie. How dare she tell me to think about giving up - she got pregnant accidentally the first time, then the second time, it was planned. She went off the pill and later that same month, found out she was expecting. She doesn't have a clue what it's like. BUT, at the same time, she's also my best friend, and knows what I'm going through to try to achieve this goal. She sees what it's doing to me and it's killing her. Like she said on the phone, 'I love you when you're happy - well, I love you when you're sad too, but I want to see you happy..' I wish she lived here in Victoria - so she can stop worrying so much and see that I'm still the same person 29 or 30 days of the month hehe

How dare she I say!? See, that's me being selfish. We're actually in the same boat - yes, she got pregnant accidentally, at the age of 15, BUT, so did I - though I was 17. Both teenage parents, both struggling, and both coming out on top. I had no right to be angry with the email she sent me. I'm a bit ... touchy, when it comes to this topic. I can read things in other peoples words, that just aren't there. I should know better - I do know better. I knew, deep down that she wasn't telling me to give up, but when I first read the email - I jumped to that conclusion, as that's what I've heard from quite a few people - why would she be any different? I'll tell you why it's different coming from her - because she's my best friend and would never say/mean anything even remotely like that. I've since sent her an email, apologizing my ass off for taking her email the wrong way - I hope she realizes how much I love her, how much she means to me, and that I'm truly sorry for the way I took her email. That's a drawback of emails - words can be interpreted so many ways. If you're in the wrong mood when you read it, that's it, it's taken out of context and blows up.

Since the email, I've come to the conclusion that I do need to come to terms with what I'm doing and what we're going through. But, how do you come to terms with it, is the big question. Yes, it sucks, I've come to terms with that hahaha Other than that, I'm not going to give up, not yet, but, I should stop being so selfish and think about others at the same time. Other friends and family members are going through struggles as well, and why should mine be more important? Well, I'm not saying mine are more important, per say, I guess I just block out others, because mine is always on my mind - in the fore front!? And to that, I apologize to everyone around me, I honestly meant nothing by it - and from now on - I'll be better, I promise :)

Now that Tanya has brought it up, I almost feel guilty for wanting a baby so bad that I'm willing to pay at least $1000 a month to do it. It's no longer in my control, it's completely out of my hands - is that natural? Hell no, it's not. We know that, boy, do we know that. But, are we willing to come to terms with the fact that we might need a bit of help in order to achieve our dream of having a baby!? The answer, is a resounding YES, yes we are. It sucks that we need help, we wish that we were among those who are ignorant of the whole infertility world. But, we're not ignorant of it, we've been forced to face it, head on, no turning back. They say you appreciate things more when you've had to work for them - now imagine how much this baby will be appreciated, should we conceive.

For now, at least for this month, we're fighting the battle, and thinking positive the whole way through. We've already started the Gonal F, so we may as well continue on and see what comes of it all. Sure, you know me, I've googled for hours already about the odds of conceiving with this procedure. I know they're not terribly high, but when you have a 5% chance without, and a 15-20% chance, with - you go with the odds and start thinking positive, until it's oozing out your pores.

Next month, if this one doesn't work, then... maybe then, we'll talk more and decide on taking a break. Don't forget what I've said before: You'll never know what you'll decide later, you can only decide on the here and now. Are we being selfish for doing all this? Maybe, but you know what, once in awhile, I don't mind being selfish.

We have to go through this... When the day comes for us to sit down and decide it's not 'in the cards for us', we'll then know that at least we tried everything we could possibly try, that we gave it our all.

I swear, I'm normally a VERY funny person

Maybe Tanya feels so sad for us because this journal/book is sounding seriously depressing - like I'm on the verge of committing suicide or something. I'm truly sorry if that's the way this is coming across. That's totally not how it is. Sure, the day I get my period, it is very depressing and sad and I lose all hope, BUT, the next day, I'm good to go. I laugh and joke and carry on with life. Am I not allowed to be sad, once a month, without people thinking I'm the most depressing person around? Come on people, you all know me better than that. I cry, then I pick myself up and go on - it's not the end of the world. I know I still have my friends and family, my husband, my daughter, my Mom and Dad - life does go on. I swear, I'm normally a VERY funny person (if I don't say so myself). It's just that this story is about the true life, real experiences of someone going through one of the worst things a couple can go through. Expect some serious lows in there, they're bound to happen.

Tanya called me tonight too, to let me know that Oprah was talking about infertility on her show. I turned the show on - seems I had to watch a lot of other crap first - the infertility stuff wasn't on until later. The things that the woman who is going through infertility was saying - are so true. The feelings of shame, of being less than a woman for not being able to bear a child - all true. I can so relate to her, in fact, one or two tears may have rolled down my cheek while listening to her. I feel for her, for us. She's also done something I can't see us ever doing - spending $46,000 and still no baby. I almost gagged at the thought of paying $1000, let alone 46 times that amount. Maybe if we had buckets full of money - maybe. But we don't - and there's no way we'll put ourselves in serious debt - or borrowing money from others, to try to beat this. I'm 99% sure, we'd give up and move on by then. See - 99% <-- never say never.

Phew, I got that off my chest. I feel a bit better now. Time to train my abs, you know, so I can make them rock hard for my next needle in 1/2 hour. If I get them hard enough - maybe I won't feel it? hahaha



Talking it out with Tanya


Cycle day 8 - last day of the Gonal F before heading back to the clinic for another internal ultrasound. I wonder what that will reveal - are the drugs doing their thing? Do I have 1, 2, or 6 eggs ready to be released? Let's hope it's not 6 - though then the odds would be better, wouldn't they? That, or Dustys sperm would finally ask for directions, and fertilize them all and we can then go forth and be called 'Shawna and Dusty plus 7'? haha I laugh, but really, it wouldn't be funny. We'd then have to go for the 'Selective Reduction' and that scares the crap out of me. It's what they do if something like that happens. If too many eggs get fertilized, they can go in and remove one, or more of the ... fetuses I guess you'd call them, as they don't do the Selective Reduction until they're 10 - 12 weeks gestation. I can't imagine having to go through something like that. That decision would be a tough one. One of the... warnings, of doing something like that, is it can risk the entire pregnancy and you'd lose them all. Man, let's just hope that Dusty sperm only fertilizes one or two - not 6. :)

Tanya and I have been sending emails back and forth and I have to say - that woman is.... the best. There really isn't a word for her. She has the.. balls, to say stuff most others would not. Because of this email, the first one, where I read it wrong, it's got me doing some serious thinking. She's made some damn good points, to which I am taking to heart. I now understand what she meant by coming to terms with what we're going through. Here's what she said:

'If the shoe was on the other foot and I told you I couldn't have kids - would you think I am less of a woman? I know the answer is no, so why do you allow yourself to have such a low opinion of yourself? (that’s what I mean about believing in yourself that you deserve to be happy).

If it was 100% Dusty's sperm why you couldn't have more kids - would you think differently of him? Would you think less of him? Once again, why do you allow yourself to have those types of thoughts about yourself, especially when it's not even clear as to why you haven't conceived yet. Why would you believe that dusty would think that of you when he loves you so much...

If you & dusty knew this was going to happen would you have still gotten married? I'm thinking YES.

The easiest way to figure out what questions to ask is to listen to what your feeling and thinking --- then ask yourself if your thoughts & feelings are actually rational / logical or are they out of pity / emotions (meaning, if you wouldn't think it of dusty - why would it be different the other way? etc). Answer them... and most likely feel a bit better / a bit more at peace.

I try to pay attention to my thoughts and most of all - I try to not compare myself to others. This is my life and if someone else is blessed with not having the problems I have - I am genuinely happy for them. I am the person I am today because of all the obstacles I've faced and how I've faced them. Same for you, you'll get through this and be a better person for it because you will have a deeper respect and compassion.

You are a good person and good things are going to happen for you and to you --- they already have!!

There is no magic answer. For instance, I want to go to school more than I want anything else right now. I have to accept that I only have so much control then, after that - it is out of my hands. I take responsibility for all that is in my control and I relinquish responsibility for all that is out of my control. In the end, I have to have faith that what ever is meant to be for my future will be. I have both the ability and power to deal with either decision that is made (getting accepted to the program or not) in a positive way, even if I have to sulk a bit first. Whether I've thought so at all times or not - my life has worked out just fine so far so ? why doubt it now. Being OK / at peace is the hardest thing you'll ever accomplish and the simplest thing you'll ever accomplish at the same time. I guess it's like letting go of the fear that your life won't be good - the fear that you don't deserve good things and that good things won't happen for and to you. It's about believing that you are a good person and not only do you deserve good things but that you will actually receive good things.

I am no spiritual teacher, and I certainly haven't lived a spiritual life at times - but I'm thinking that everyone goes about finding peace a bit differently. However, I also think that it must all start with the self belief that you truly deserve happiness and are willing to accept happiness in what ever form you can. And that, I think is probably a result of answering the really shity questions like 'do I have the ability to be happy if ...', 'Can I find the good in ?....' blah blah blah There are always 2 choices no matter what the question - so its about being conscious and trying to make the correct choice no matter how hard or rotten it is.'

She is so totally and utterly right, it makes my head spin. Maybe her calling is being a counselor or spiritual leader!?

'Would I think of her as less than a woman, if the shoe were on the other foot' - HELL NO I wouldn't. So exactly, why do I think that about myself? Maybe I pity myself, feel sorry for myself, and there-fore turn it against me? What's that accomplishing - nothing, Nothing but hatred towards myself. I am NOT less of a woman if I cannot conceive.. I am NOT less of a woman if I cannot conceive. Maybe if I repeat it a few times, I might start believing it?

'Would I love Dusty less if it was 100% his problem that we're not pregnant' - again, HELL NO! So why would he feel the same towards me - the answer - he doesn't, and never would. Again, something I need to repeat, daily, in order to believe.

Knowing what I know now, would I still have married Dusty - give me a HELL YA! There's no other person, in this world, I'd rather be married to and want to spend the rest of my life with. If I had to go through this battle with anyone, I couldn't think of a more loving, caring and understanding person than Dusty, to go through it with. I thank God everyday that we finally found each other.

I know I deserve good things, and good things will happen. It just happens that the day my period comes, I start to doubt it - which I shouldn't. I should never doubt anything like it. I already have GREAT things in my life, that I'm very thankful for - a baby would be just the cherry on top. :)

It's time I admit that I'm doing everything humanly possible that I can, the rest is out of my hands. I'm eating good, exercising, taking my vitamins, researching, asking questions, we've tried on our own, now we're trying with a little help. Yes, we need that help, but it's now out of my control. I'll continue doing the things that I can, and deal, everyday, with the fact that the rest is out of my hands.

It's taken me 20 months of trying - and Tanya to kick me in the ass - to come to the point in our TTC journey, to believe it'll happen, and if it doesn't, to come to peace with that. No one can expect more of me than that - most of all, myself.

It hasn't been an easy journey, and the battle continues, but maybe, just maybe, I can come to peace with the entire process. It's not going to happen overnight or anything, but, it will happen. And, like Tanya said, 'it's an everyday battle' - one that we're fighting - head on, with all we have.

Now, will this decision help when my period comes, will I be less sad and better able to deal with it? Maybe not, but at least Tanyas words will be in the back of my head...'You're doing everything you can, you deserve great things, they will come...'.

Thank you Tanya, you are my hero.

4 eggs

Cycle day 9 - just got back from my second ultrasound. Seems there are 4 eggs ready to come down, but they're not big enough yet. That means I have to take the Gonal F again tonight and tomorrow night, then go back for another ultrasound on Wednesday. ACK - can you say quads? hahaha I laugh, but, it's a little scary. Though, from what I've read, most women get between 4 - 6 eggs and still go ahead with the IUI. As stubborn as Dustys sperm are, we'll be lucky if they do their job for one of them, let alone all 4.

On a side note - I HATE the needles. They scare the crap out of me. The first one wasn't too bad, pain wise, but it was still scary. The last 3, all of them have hurt a bit, then hurt more afterwards. Nothing terrible or anything. Its' not the pain of the needle that gets me, it's just the fact that I'm getting a needle, by my husband, someone non-professional. I trust him, really I do - they just scare me. Which in turn, scares Dusty when I'm freaking out. Oh, poor Dusty.


Pee in a cartoon Dixie cup

Cycle day 12 - Ok, I'm officially done with the Gonal F shots - yay, though I still have one more shot. Tonight at 11PM I'm to have a shot of Ovidrel, which will force me to ovulate. OMG - my final needle tonight!! When I went for my last ultrasound yesterday afternoon, the Dr said there's 3 good ones and 2 that are a bit smaller. When I went to the other part of the clinic, to get my meds, the woman there looked at my chart and said 'Oh, I see you have 5 eggs..' So I guess 5 it is. Come on spermies, I'm only asking that you fertilize one egg - is that too much to ask for? The other 23,999,999 don't have to do a thing. Though, we won't know the official numbers until Saturday morning, when we get the IUI done.

It was funny. My appointment at the clinic was at 11:45AM and they had asked if I checked to see if I had ovulated yet. I said that no, I hadn't checked yet, as I was at work all day. So, just to be sure, they handed me a cartoon Dixie cup and told me to go down to the bathroom and pee in it for them, so they could check. Talk about awkward. Walking down the hall, amongst other offices, with my cartoon Dixie cup full of pee. What us women won't do to get pregnant.

The IUI is going to happen on Saturday morning, though they haven't called with a time yet. I guess I should call them, for a time for that and to find out if Dusty and I have to abstain from sex until then. Ah.. abstaining, a thing that Dusty and I are no good at. We try, oh how we try. But, when you're told not to, it only makes us want it more hahaha Have no fear though, we'll do it - for this, we will do it.

After Saturday, it will be no longer in our hands - the deed will have been done, on to the waiting section of the month. Though they do say to follow up with some more sex the next day - just to be sure,

I think this 2WW might be a bit harder than all the rest of them. After all, we've had to pay for this one, it was done at the clinic, by a Dr - it should work, right? If only it were that easy. There's only a 20% chance for it to work - not very good odds, BUT, much better than our 5% without doing this. My friend, Christine, made a good point today when I said the odds aren't that good: 'But if you had a 20% chance of winning the lottery you'd be pretty damn happy...' So true............ Let this be the lottery we win!

Everyone - put your hands together and pray with me now.... hehehe

Should I draw a map on my belly?

Ok, just called the clinic. They still don't have a time for our IUI, though she said to plan on the morning, anywhere between 8am - 12pm. They'll call me tomorrow morning with a time. Also, yes, we are officially to start abstaining from sex. Oh poor us.... I had asked 'Ok, now Dr H didn't say anything, but do we have to stop having sex now?' Yes, I said sex, I didn't say abstain, or anything mature like that, nope, I said sex. She giggled and said, 'Well, you don't want to go longer than 3 days without.' To which I replied 'We had sex last night!!' Like it was some big feat that I was announcing it to the world, I was proud, yell it from the rooftops. She giggled and replied 'Then yup, you're IUI is on Saturday, so no more sex until after that, sorry, you're cut off.' That's my kind of woman - straight to the point, not using those mature adult-like words, like abstaining or with holding. Gotta love it.

11PM tonight - last shot - amen to that!

PS - do you think it would help if I drew a map on my belly for Saturday - you know, to help the sperm know where to go? Because I'll do it......... it would also give the Dr a good giggle, should he see it.


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IUI tomorrow

Cycle day 13 - First things first - the Ovidrel shot last night - sucked ass! It took Dusty 3 tries to get it in, then hurt the entire time he was injecting it into me. As I was laying there, with tears in my eyes (mostly from frustration), I was thinking.. 'Wow, how'd it come to this!?' Oh how you never know what life will bring you.

After the shot last night, I started cramping pretty much right away, like I had my period, only I didn't. Come on - like it's not bad enough to get cramps when you have your period, now they have to come after this too? Lordy be..... Needless to say it took me awhile to go to sleep. And today, yikes, I've gone through many different feelings.. from thinking I might puke, to sore boobs, to ovulation type pains and finally, more cramps. WTF is this all about - I didn't sign up for this part of the process.

Also, when I woke up and took my temperature, it was 97.9, yesterday it was 97.5 - that's quite a jump and had me worried. So, when the clinic called to tell us of our appointment time, I asked about this and explained to them, I only get a rise in temp like this, AFTER I've ovulated. Well, she asked the Dr about this, then called me back. 'Dr H says that the shot can cause this to happen, you're good, he's not worried'. Well la te da - I'm sure glad he's not worried, because I sure as shit am. After everything we've been through so far this month, I will throw a 2 year old-type fit at the clinic tomorrow if we go there and the Dr says that we missed it and have to wait until next month.

I almost called the clinic again tonight to ask about my pains/cramps - but thought that they know what they're talking about, and I don't really want to piss anyone off by pestering with questions all day. I mean, this Dr is (hopefully) going to be impregnating me tomorrow, do I want to piss him off - HELL NO! So, I've held my P's and Q's... silently shitting myself and praying all at the same time.

Our appointment is at 12PM tomorrow, which means Dusty has to go in at 10AM to .... donate. No sympathy for him - at all. I love him, but man, men have the easiest job in this entire process. All they have to do is jerk off in a cup, done, 'good game' slap on the ass. Us women, on the other hand, have to be tested and probed, needles jabbed into our bellies, cramps, bleeding, catheters going up our who ha's in order to get pregnant! Someone tell me where the fairness is in that!? Come on, I dare ya.........

Tomorrow can't come soon enough - I want it to be 12PM, Saturday, just so I can put my mind at ease and at least know that we haven't missed my teeny little eggs, that they'll still be there, or heading there, when the sperm gets injected *praying like there's no tomorrow*

PS - I called my Mom last night, to keep her in the loop. When I told her I had 5 eggs ready to go and asked how she felt about quintuplets, she replied "Oh yeah, that would be great. We could name them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...' Always the comedienne....


IUI = NOT sexy

Wow, seems I haven’t written in here for a bit, as I'm now 5 days past the IUI. OOPS, how time flies.

Well, the IUI went fabulous, a little pinching, but nothing bad. Dr H had to show me that Dustys name was on the vial, so I could be sure I was getting my husbands sperm - they said to make sure I don't give birth to a poodle or something. Where is everyone getting their funnies lately?

Anyways, when it was done, I asked Dr H about getting something to lengthen my luteal phase, as I didn't want AF to show up 10 days from now. He then wrote me a prescription for progesterone suppositories. Yup, that means I have to shove wee little 'pearl-like' pills up my Who Ha, everyday, twice a day from here on in. Ok, I'm pumped to be, hopefully, lengthening my luteal phase, but not sure I signed on for the pills up my Cooter, the discharge, bloating and cramps after!? Seriously, whatever happened to penis in vagina = baby!?

This is so not the sexy way to get pregnant, that's for sure.

After the IUI we were instructed to have 'follow up sex' that same night and for the next 2 nights, just to be sure. See, that part, that prescription, I will definitely follow, no bitching about that. I've read it before, but now Dr H also explained that by the female having an orgasm, that it helps pull the sperm to where it needs to go. Amen to orgasms.

After laying down on the table at the clinic (with a blanket and even a hot water bottle) I got up, got dressed, forked over some more hard earned money, and we were on our way. Though I have to admit, I was scared that when I stood up that the sperm would fall out. I felt like crossing my legs and running to the car. I didn't, as that would make running immensely difficult, but I did walk slowly and as soon as I got in the car, I reclined the seat and threw my legs up on the dash for the ride home. Had we gotten pulled over by the cops for my lack of a seatbelt - I would have had no problems explaining that a Dr just put 11,000,000 of Dustys finest in my uterus, and I was going to stay in this position, and if he wanted to give me a ticket - so be it, damned if I care.

Ok, remember what I said about female orgasms and doing good for the sperm? Well, in order to be on the cautious side, making sure we do everything we possibly can, as soon as we got home from the clinic, Dusty gave me a fabulous orgasm - go boys go! I then did the last 20 minutes of my Bend, Breathe and Conceive yoga tape - it's all laying down and relaxing, with half of it, having my legs in the air.

After the orgasm, the legs in the air yoga - I was good to go for the day. Who wouldn't be - IUI or not!

Oh, I should also mention that the HCG shot I had on Thursday, a week ago now, has given me some wicked sore boobs. Holy man, they were so sore I could hardly touch them without tearing up. I know I've mentioned I've had sore boobs before, but let me tell you, I didn't know what I was talking about, those weren't sore - THESE are! Wow. And, to top it off, the progesterone and HCG both, are giving me symptoms of pregnancy - who's idea was this? The sore boobs, I've been very tired for the last couple days (like driving home from work I have to keep a conscience thought about keeping my eyes open), I've had cramps, bloating, you name it, I've pretty much had it. CRAP - not only do I have to wait until next Saturday (the 26th of July) to find out for sure if this first IUI has worked or not, but now I have to wait, while having pregnancy symptoms! Oh joy.. someone hold me back.. I'm so excited I could just pee.

Since HCG is the same hormone that runs through pregnant womens bodies, I knew if I peed on a stick, I'd get a positive. So yes, you guessed it, just to see what one really looks like, I peed.. OMG is a positive a beautiful thing - now only if we can get another of those in 9 sleeps - I'd be one happy camper.

5 DPIUI and counting..............


5 more sleep until the blood test


9 DPIUI (8 DPO) and 5 more sleep until the blood test. It's getting so close - yet so far away. It's hard to concentrate on anything, aside from that upcoming test. You'd think with technology today, we'd be able to find out a lot sooner than 2 weeks after the procedure. Guess not....

The pregnancy symptoms have continued, to my dismay. Though, in all honesty, I haven't minded some of them - they almost gimme a bit more, much needed, hope. The incredibly sore boobs, yes, they are annoying at times, but hey, I really don't mind those. It's the bloating and cramping that can take a hike, least until I know if I'm pregnant or not. If it turns out that I am, bring em on and I might not even bitch, too loudly. Please God I hope all is leading to a positive test in 5 sleeps.

Never, never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be pining for a 1 and 1/2 inch progesterone needle in the ass. I'm just not that kinda girl. However, the Progesterone suppositories are simply yucky. About 15 minutes after shoving the first one up the good ol' cooter, I noticed a startling ..... wetness. Scared to death, I rushed to the bathroom only to be treated to a small flood of what had to be the remains of the suppository all over the panties. Nasty doesn't floor me for long, but this was nasty. For the next nobody knows how long, apparently, it's going to be a drippy, progesterone marsh down there and nobody can do anything about it. Oh the joys of it all.

Ah, I warned you people, this is so not the sexiest way to get pregnant. But, when it finally happens, I know it'll be all worth it, to which I have to repeat, many times a day, in order to get through this experience.

When I talked to Mom on Saturday night and told her all that's happened since the IUI, the IUI itself, the progesterone, the symptoms, etc, we decided that the man, should have to do something as well. Katy, at work, also figures this should be fair. Katy said that the male counterpart of a couple going through this, should have to have something shoved up his arse, that leaks (so he'd have to wear a pad all day), just so he gets to experience a fraction of what us women go through. Mom has come up with the .... suppository - POP ROCKS. She said, they might even foam a bit.... Too funny. See, you have to laugh while going through stuff like this - if we didn't, we'd all go mad!

5 Sleeps - I KNOW that I'll be peeing on a stick before then, maybe the day before, or the morning of, or both. See, if I test before hand and it's negative, then I'll have a bit of fore-warning for the blood test - least, that's how I rationalize it.

Some days I feel so positive about the IUI, thinking that it has to have worked, right? 11,000,000 of Dustys finest put right where they need to be, I had 5 eggs good to go.. what more could you ask for!? If I were ignorant of the entire process, I'd think those were pretty good odds. But, that's just it, I'm not ignorant, and I know there's only about a 20% chance of this working each month. 20%, when you think about it - aren't the best odds in the world. If a Doctor told me I had a 20% chance to live - I'd pretty much bend over and kiss my ass good bye. But, like stated before, if someone told me I had a 20% chance to win the lottery, I'd be one happy camper and spending the money before I even won it. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I do try to remain positive...

I'm positive I want a baby.... I'm positive I want to be pregnant - NOW.. I'm positive we're ready, willing and able.. I'm positive I want this battle to end.


No more temperature taking

11 DPIUI - 10 DPO.. what to say, what to say? Let's start off by saying: I took my temp this morning, and was NOT a happy camper. Sunday it was 98.8 <-- the highest ever, Monday was 98.6 <-- still a handsome looking temperature, but today, it was 98.4. Now, that's not the worst temp ever, but, do you see a pattern starting? Please, please stop dropping, shoot back up, dammit! So, that's how I started my day, reading the thermometer and being instantly upset/pissed off. Not a good way to start a day for sure. Poor Dusty - he tries to cheer me up, really he does, but when this kind of thing happens, there's not much to be said to make it better.

Oh, I should also mention, I went to the bathroom about 45 minutes to an hour after my who ha pills this morning, and noticed what looked like one of them in the toilet!? I thought these things weren't supposed to fall out? This has never happened before! Should I rescue the poor drowning pill - KIDDING! I wasn't sure what to do, so, I did what everyone does, I flushed the toilet hehe I might have to call the clinic about that - just ask if that happens, if I should shove another in, to make up for the one floating in the bowl.

I officially decided this morning as well, that maybe I should lay off the working out thing, at least in the AM's. It might be too soon after the pills and more comes out un-necessarily. So, I'd already spent a whopping 3 minutes on the stepper when this thought came to me, so off I got. I still lifted a couple light weights though, but there wasn't any serious effort, so I'm sure that's fine.

I ended up chatting with Christina again, through email at work. We chat all the time now - I love it. Not only does she keep me entertained at work, but I can talk about this whole experience as much as I feel necessary, guilt free, as she's going through it herself. When I told her how I was feeling, my temp this morning and feeling down - she had words of wisdom to part on me. Very wise words indeed, like : 'Shawna, your body has been through so much in the last 3 weeks, needles, being forced to ovulate when you normally do it on your own, the insemination and now the progesterone - of course your body is a bit messed up - don't go by what your temps say.' <-- See, told you it was wise advice, only problem being, I know all this, and yet, it doesn't help with the feeling of losing hope. But then she said something, later, and here's what it was: 'Shawna - when you get home, throw away your damn thermometer, it's not doing you any good. The deed has been done, you don't need to check your temp anymore. You just have to sit and wait it out until Saturday when you go in for the test (easier said than done I know). ' You know, she does have a point there. WTF good is the thermometer doing now? I know I ovulated, so it did it's job. The only thing it can tell me now, is when my temp drops, or rises - which could mean anything, considering the drugs I'm on. Oh wise grasshopper she is. Though, in all honesty, not sure if I can stop. Seriously, I've been taking my temp every morning for the past 5 or 6 months, can I go cold turkey!? Will I get the shakes or a nervous head twitch? I guess we'll find out............ I promise to do my best and not use that damn thing in the mornings anymore - that way, I can also sleep in - since I'm not going to be working out either. OMG, to sleep in!? I don't remember what that's like - I think I forget how!?

This progesterone - I have to say again - what a pain in the.... everywhere!! Being on progesterone is like being pregnant - sore ta ta's, bloated, cramps to kill a horse, tired, and the list goes on and on my friend. How can one tell the difference? I consult my insides 100 times a day and I try to push my symptoms away, as anything but pregnancy. BUT, since I'm hopeful, I still want to believe. This is what usually follows: Oh, I have bloating.... that has to be the progesterone pills.... or pregnancy... nope, it's definitely the lack of water I'm drinking.. or pregnancy.. lost car keys? Nope, my body screams - PREGNANCY. Let's try another: Cramping.. that too has to be the progesterone.. or baby implanting.. nope, left over HCG from the shot.. or better yet, 2 babies implanting.. my dreaded period coming.. or finally, finally a baby implanting so good - it'll stick around for the duration............. and the game goes on and on. You see where I'm coming from? Try to explain them away as something else works, for seconds on end.

Again, with this temperature dip this morning, it can't really mean anything, can it? After all, the progesterone is supposed to lengthen my LP, so if I get my period tomorrow, or even the day after, I'd have to say that they didn't work - and I've never heard of them not working. Don't let me be the first in recorded history.

3 sleeps until I go for my blood test. Come on, lets get some serious puking episodes going, or maybe dizzy.. sore boobs again, anything, I'd love a sign. If I still don't have my period come Friday (the day before the test) I think I might pee on a stick, just to see what it says. If a BFN, then I will, again, pee on another stick on Saturday AM, before the blood test. Please, please, let it be a positive on Friday, or Saturday, or any day, SOON.


This is a couple hours later - but now I'm even more nervous about my period showing up. Usually the day before, or the day of the Bitch arriving, I get a tingly feeling...... down there. I don't know why, and it's only happened the last couple months, that I've noticed, but, it's still true. Well, I have that feeling now.............. Please noooooooo

1 more sleep until the blood test

13 DPIUI & 12DPO - Still in the game ladies and gentlemen. And more good news - I can't even tell you what my temperature has been yesterday or today - as I handed over my thermometer to Dusty the other night, before going to bed. I must admit, it was a lil scary handing it over, wasn't sure I was ready to stop. I still don't like that I don't know what my temp is, but, and this is a big butt (hehe) I'm also not as stressed as I was. Yes, when my alarm clock goes off, I turn it right off then still reach for the thermometer that is no longer there, but hey, I can deal with it. Though, after saying that - it is driving me a bit batty not knowing what it is. I wok up hot n sweaty this morning.. I wonder what it would have been? If it shot up yesterday or today, I'd probably have taken a HPT by now. But hey, I guess less stress for me is a good thing, and really, it's only one more sleep until the blood test, I guess I can wait that long.

Since I go for the blood test tomorrow, I must say, I'm about ready to puke I'm so nervous. All day long I've been going through different scenarios in my head. Like, if the fertility clinic calls and says I'm not pregnant, what I will do? I can tell you right now, there will be tears. After 20 months of trying, doing everything we possibly can and praying like these is no tomorrow, it will be devastating if this didn't work. Now, what would I do if the clinic calls and says 'Congratulations, you're pregnant'!? Again, there would be tears, but these, would finally be tears of joy, finally.

The butterflies I have in my stomach, when I think about that test tomorrow, are incredible and scary. I want to be one of the lucky ones to get pregnant on the first try, is that too much to ask for, after trying for this long? I know it's not, and I'm praying more now, than I have all the 20 months so far!


Signs??

15 DPIUI & 14 DPO & cycle day 29 <-- I had to add the cycle day 29 in there, as this is the furthest along I've ever made it. I guess that means that the progesterone is doing it's thing, which is good. I also have a sense of dread going on right now. Try as I might, I don't feel pregnant, or any different, so why would the test turn out to be different!? I think I'm maybe trying to talk myself into a negative, then, when the clinic calls tomorrow, I'll be prepared for them saying that, yet again, it hasn't worked, we're still not pregnant. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but really, can't help it. Don't worry, there are still feelings of hope mixed in there too, it just might not be the dominating feeling right now.

Oh, I should say, I went for my blood test yesterday. When I asked the lab tech how long it would take to find out, she said we'd know by Wednesday <-- it was Saturday. 'Wednesday - you have got to be shittin me', I said. Seriously, with all the technology out there, a simple blood test to find out if I'm pregnant or not, is going to take an additional 4 days? Do they have any idea what that does to those of us waiting to hear? Do they have a clue? I haven't been this nervous since my wedding day, no lie. When I think about it, I get huge butterflies in my stomach that make me want to puke. It's insane.......

I called the fertility clinic when I got home from the test and asked them 2 things: one - I just had my blood test done, how long until I find out the results? To which the woman replied,..' I'll call the lab and see if they have the results in yet, before we close at noon, if not, you're going to have to wait until Monday <-- better than Wednesday, but it's still been a torturous weekend, to say the least. I haven't been able to think about anything else. Googling 'Pregnant and no symptoms' etc. The other thing I asked the woman at the clinic was: will I still get my period while being on the progesterone suppositories, or am I going to have to wait for my blood test results, and if negative, then stop the pills and then get my period. Well, she didn't have a clue, but said she would ask. Lo and behold, I never got a call back from the clinic, so, two things: one - the lab didn't have my results yet and two - she didn’t ask the Dr about the progesterone. CRAP and CRAP!

Oh, should I tell you about my 'signs'? Remember when Tanya had signs? That's right, I've now come up with my own - they help pass the time....
~ 13 is my lucky number (don't know why tho) and, according to fertilityfriend.com, the day of the blood test, was 13DPO
~ The day I had my blood test was the 26th - that's 13 X 2 - for those out there counting hehehe
~ I have a daily inspiration that comes to my email, and the day of the blood test, it was from Helen Keller <-- that is also my Grammas maiden name
~ As soon as we walked out of the lab, the first thing I saw was a man carrying a baby

There you have em........ my signs, that I am hoping, with everything I have, they truly are signs and I'm about to find out I'm pregnant.

I seriously can't picture ever being pregnant again - does that mean it'll never happen? Though I remember being paranoid when Mariah was tiny, because I couldnt picture her getting bigger, and thought that was maybe bad news <-- wow, I think I need help LOL

Anyways, now you have the low down. I'll probably get called at work tomorrow with the results of my pregnancy blood test. If it's a positive, fine by me - call me anywhere, anytime. But, if it's negative, I'm positive I don't wanna hear that at work. It will be very depressing and I can't even leave work, there's only 2 of us working, so I'd have to just grin and bear it.

There are so many people, friends, family, out there who are praying for us right now - God has to listen to one of them, doesn't he? Please....... let me find out I'm pregnant tomorrow.

PS - I think I just might pee on a stick in the AM as well, then I can have a fore warning about what the clinic will say when they call......... be prepared!? Good idea? Bad idea? Only time will tell.............


All I could do, was fall into his arms and cry

16DPIUI - 15 DPO - cycle day 30. I could hardly sleep this morning, I woke up a few times to check out the alarm clock to see what time it was. I was so nervous to pee on those sticks. Finally, I could stand it no longer and climbed out of bed at about 5:10AM. Did my thing in the bathroom and went downstairs to get a coffee, put in the progesterone and wait for the allotted time for the pregnancy test. Well, when it came to read them, I was shaking. I was pretty sure I knew what it was going to say, and I didn't want any part of that answer. Yup, just like predicted, they are definite BFN's. not even a hint of a line. I try to talk myself into the fact that some HPT's aren't that good, these might be among them, as I bought them offline, cheap. I had myself talked into something like that, until I saw Dusty walk into the living room. The test was sitting on the table beside me - he looked over and said 'Does that mean negative?'. I could only nod my head, as the tears started coming. He climbed in behind me on the couch and wrapped his arms around me, held me tight as I cried. He said he wasn't going to believe it until we got the results back from the clinic < I wish I had his optimism.

Again, I had to work today, so I got up and went and got ready to do a quick workout, take my mind off the sadness for a bit. Did a quick workout, got ready and went to work. On the drive to work I kept asking myself, what am I going to say when people ask if this worked!? Will it make me cry when they ask? Should I lie and say I don't know yet!? I think everyone there kind of guessed what the answer was, since I wasn't yelling from the rooftops that I was pregnant. Katy asked me how it went, I just said that we were still waiting to hear back from the clinic, then kind of dropped it. After I got settled, I sent Katy a message and told her that it's 98% a no go. Then again, dropped it. I had to stay angry, or there was no way I was going to make it through the day. So I did, I kept to myself and inside, I was angry.

I did good, I made it through the workday without crying, yay me. But, I didn't make it long after that. Pretty much as soon as I got in the car, the tears were coming on and off the entire drive home. Thinking to myself how bad this entire situation sucks, how bad we want it to be over, how bad we want it to finally work, etc.

I had told the clinic that when they did call with the results, that I asked them to call me after 2:30PM, as I was pretty sure what they were going to say, and I didn't want to hear that news at work. Well, along comes 3:30PM and I still haven't heard from them. I decide I can wait no longer, plus, I'm getting a bit angry that no one has called. They're a fertility clinic, you'd think they'd know how important these results are, to those of us out there waiting to hear them. Anyways, I called, and the lady took my information and said she'd get back to me. I waited until 4:25PM (5 minutes before they say they stop answering phones) and asked, yet again, if my results were in. This is what I heard 'Oh yeah, um, I couldn't find those. We cant access the website right now, so you're going to have to wait until tomorrow'. OK, now I'm pissed right off, number one - she never apologized or anything and number two - was she not going to call me and tell me I had to wait another day!? I wanted to hit something so bad..............

I ended up calling my Mom and broke out into tears. When I told her we hadn't heard from the clinic yet, that we had to wait yet another day, AND the negative test this morning, she then calmed me down. She has a way of doing that - do all Mothers have that talent? She told me not to go by what the HPT said, to wait it out and stop stressing myself out about it least til we heard back from the clinic. We chatted for a bit more, she kept apologizing that we even have to go through this terrible time, and then we said our good byes. Well, as soon as I got off the phone, my phone said I'd missed a call. I checked my answering machine and lo and behold, the clinic had called again. I called the clinic right back, praying that someone was still there and would answer the phone.

A lady did answer the phone, only to tell me my blood test on Saturday, was negative and then apologized to me. I'm to call the clinic when I get my period, so we can schedule another internal ultrasound and begin this whole process again. Least, that's basically what she said, I think. Since the word 'negative' I kinda fazed out and wasn't listening anymore. I was busy looking at Dusty and using all my will power to not break into tears on the phone to the poor woman.

As soon as I hung up the phone, Dusty said 'Wellll..?' To which all I could do was shake my head, fall into his arms and cry, even more. He stood there like that for quite awhile - holding each other up and yet dying inside. After a bit, Dusty asked me if I wanted to call my mom back and tell her the news, or if I wanted him to call her. I asked if he could call her, as I wasn't ready to talk yet. He called her and told her the news. She was terribly sorry, she was wishing she could say, or do something to make us feel better and sends her love to both of us. Dusty hung up the phone and started walking towards me. As soon as he got to me, he started crying. Again, we just held each other, loved each other, and wished, with all we have, that these were finally tears of joy.

I still can't believe Dusty cried. There's only a couple times I've seen him cry. Once when he was in the military and was going out on ship for 6 weeks. To see him cry, for this reason, hurt. Then, since Dustys normally the one comforting me, being strong for me, it was my turn to return the favor. And I was more than happy to do it.

Then, we each had a beer!