I sit here now, not knowing how long I can continue on with this fight. I know many women have been going through this battle longer than I have, they are my heros. The pain, I can’t begin to explain to you, how much it hurts. It’s like someone says to you ‘There, you’re pregnant, oh, just kidding, you’re not.’ Or ‘Here, have a baby, no wait, not this time, maybe you’ll be lucky next month’. It’s like someone’s teasing me, only 1,000,000 times worse.
I got up at my usual time, and put the thermometer in my mouth – praying against all odds, that my temperature is still up, that we still have a fighting chance. It’s only a two minute wait, but, if you’ve never done it before, you’ll never understand how long that wait can be. You’re willing your body do to the impossible, no amount of praying or convincing yourself can change the results – but you still try. When that little beep came, even though I don’t have to work today and can stay in bed, the anticipation of what it says, was enough to drive me out of bed. I slowly crawled out of bed, with my thermometer in hand, and went to the bathroom. When I turned that light on and pressed the button, to read what it said, a deep feeling of loss washes over me as I read 97.5. My cover line is 97.7 – once you’ve dropped below the cover line, it’s game over. Expect your period that day, or, at most, the day after.
When I read that number on the display, my heart sank, actually, that’s wrong, well, my heart sank, but it actually hurt – physically hurt.
I climbed back into bed with Dusty, thinking I’d just go back to sleep for a bit longer, knowing that it was a futile thought, sleep was no where in sight. I threw back the covers and quietly climbed back out and headed downstairs, to hurt, alone.
I grabbed something to eat, and kept telling myself, it’s not game over until AF officially arrives, which she hasn’t. But, as much as I kept telling myself that, in my heart, I know it’s a done deal, on to month 17 of trying for our precious baby.
A few tears came out, but again, I was trying to be strong. After all, crying isn’t going to stop my period from coming, crying isn’t going to get me pregnant any faster. That doesn’t stop me though, it’s the feeling of loss, all over again, a deep feeling of hopelessness that can’t be described, even if I tried.
I’ve explained this whole temperature thing to Dusty, so he knew that if my temps went down, that that signaled the end of yet another month of hoping. So, when I climbed back into bed after reading the number in the bathroom, he asked ‘How’s your temperature?’ All I could say back was ‘It’s not good’.
About an hour later, after I’ve crawled out of bed and spent time alone to mourn my loss, yet again, Dusty came downstairs. As he walks to the couch, I lose it, I can no longer hold back, as the tears come streaming down, out of control. ‘Ah baby, I’m soooo sorry’ is all he says, and folds me into his arms, my body wracking with tears of pain, loss, anger and pure sadness. My body shaking with the effort, sucking in air, trying, to no avail, to calm down.
He HATES seeing me like this – he hates it because no matter what he does, he can’t make me feel any better. He keeps telling me he’s here to make me happy, to make my dreams come true, and to see me like this, kills him. We both wish that he could just say or do something that will ease the pain, fully knowing that nothing will work. He tries to wipe tears away, but they are coming too fast, he just holds me.
I’m almost to the point of fully believing that this will never happen. That we just aren’t made to have babies together. That it’s time we just face facts, deal with our losses and move on with our lives. But then I think, would we ever truly move on with our lives? I know for a fact that we’d still always be thinking about it, wishing against all odds, that someday, it will happen. Would we ever really be happy, without a baby together? Will Dusty ever truly have a happy life, without ever being a Dad –like he’s always wanted to be?
I guess those are questions, without answers. Would we be able to deal with our loss and move on with our lives – that’s a tough one – as we both want it so bad. I know, without a doubt, that we will make it through this, baby or no baby. But, I’m sure there would always be a feeling of… not quite the family we could have been. Like something is missing.
Again with the questions, on and on they go, over and over. No one will ever know what you’ll feel IF something happens, not really. You’ll know WHEN it happens, but not before.
Every day, down on my knees praying, I prayed to God to finally help us out of our fight, to finally end it. And for me to finally be able to make Dustys dream come true of being a Dad. I guess God is busy?
Sometimes it really is depressing
Wow, reading over this last section, I find this is turning into a depressing ‘story’. For that I apologize. I’m not meaning for it to turn out that way, it’s just the way the cards are unfolding at the moment. Sure, there are days that are truly sad or depressing, but there are also days of – life goes on. I’m not a depressing person, honestly. During my ‘normal’ days, I’m fine. I laugh, I joke around with the people at work, I laugh with Mariah, me and Dusty kid around and most of all, I still have every bit of love left in me, for my husband, my gorgeous daughter, my family and life. It’s just that, during the days when I’m not writing down ‘symptoms’ or getting my period, it’s a fairly boring life, not something you readers would want to read about. I get up every morning at 5:30AM – take my temperature – grab a coffee and am off running by 6:15AM. I come home, wake up Mariah, have breakfast, get ready and I’m off to work. Come home after work, eat, train and finish up my day – training clients or shopping or watching TV. See, I warned you, it’s not an exciting life to read about. Hahaha
I try not to let this whole battle affect the rest of my life. Sure, it ultimately does. I think about being pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, about 30 – 40 times per day. I wonder if the day will ever come. What will we feel when/if we finally do get some good news, instead of the heartbreak of my period each and every month. Especially today – a girl at work – a young girl, just announced today that she’s pregnant. I’m sure it wasn’t planned, but it’s still happened. How can that not hurt me? I want to turn to her and say ‘Do you know how lucky you are?’ ‘Do you know how hard it is for some people to get pregnant?’ Ah, but she’s a lucky one – not even trying and ends up pregnant. Another one of the ‘clueless’ – though I don’t use the clueless word in a bad way. My best friend, Tanya, I love her with all my heart, but she too is clueless. Well, I can’t really call her clueless anymore. After all, she’s been here for me, listening to me and all our struggles. She’s a shoulder to cry on, she’s read this story and knows what we’ve been going through. So, OK, Tanya, I take it back, you’re not clueless – you’re lucky! Oh to join the ranks of the lucky…
A new Dr!? Riiiiiight, not as easy as I thought
So today, I figured it’s about time to find me a new Dr. My Dr is great – he’s funny and easy to talk to, but he’s NEVER working. When I first signed on with him, I wasn’t working full time, in fact, I didn’t really have a life. Now though, I’m busy all the time and can never get in to see him. It’s getting frustrating. He only works Tuesday mornings and Wednesday afternoons. Tuesday mornings I can’t go, as then I’d have to take time off work – to which I wouldn’t get paid for. As for Wednesday afternoons, I don’t get home until 2:30 and I have clients at 5. So maybe I could fit in there, but that would be cutting it close. Anyways, I saw a clinic down the street from me, a maternity clinic. Here I was thinking, ‘oh fabulous, perfect for me, close and they deal with pregnant women’. Man was I wrong. I went and talked to them today and it seems it doesn’t count to only be trying to get pregnant – you actually have to be pregnant before they’ll take you. And even then, they only take care of you until your baby is 6 weeks old, then you’re back to your family Dr. Never heard of that before.
So, they tell me to go upstairs to another clinic that also specializes in maternity and might take me. I walk upstairs, crossing my fingers, only to be told that I’d have to already be pregnant for them to take me. Now, might be frustrations from just every day life, or frustration with this fight, but I had tears in my eyes as I walked out of that building. Pregnant – pregnant – everything is about being pregnant!!? What about those of us who are TRYING to get pregnant – where’s the help for us? OK, calm down, breathe…
Turns out, I’m going to have to keep the same Dr. I’m going to try to call and see if I can get in tomorrow afternoon – even if I have to leave work early. I’m starting to suspect that I have a short LP (Luteal Phase). That is the time frame between ovulation and when you get your next period. A lot of what I’ve read has said that anything under 12 days is considered a Luteal Phase Defect. Meaning, when an LP is so short, an embryo won’t have enough time to implant, before my body goes ahead and starts shedding the lining and I go on to have my period, before it even has a chance. It sounds like an easy thing to fix. From what I’ve read a couple different things can help lengthen it: Clomid, progesterone cream or suppositories and Vitamin B6. I’ve gone ahead and started taking 200mg B6 daily, but I’d still like to talk to a Dr about doing one of the other things as well. I’m all for doing everything possible, enough is enough already.
Oh, one other thing. I got sick and tired of waiting for our appointment at the fertility clinic. I emailed them on Saturday, told them who I was, when our appointment is and asked about the chances of getting in earlier – or we were going to go to a fertility clinic in Vancouver – we cant wait any longer. Well, that very same day, Dr H emailed me back and said he’s talk with his assistant on Monday and be sure to see us in the next few weeks. The very next day, Sunday, someone from the clinic called me and said we now have an appointment on April 19th, Saturday, at 11:45AM – do we want that!? Can you say ‘Does a bear shit in the woods?’ Of course we want that appointment! So, 18 more days to go until we get in to the fertility clinic – YAY - a much more reasonable time frame to wait.
So close to the fertility clinic appt
Well, here I am again, life has been carrying on, as usual. Same old same old, nothing exciting.
We’re down to 11 sleeps until the appointment with the fertility clinic. Do you want to know what I think would KICK ASS? How about finding out I’m pregnant, mere days before having to go to that said appointment? Ahh, dreams…
This month, month 17, I never got a definitive positive on my OPK. April 1st and 2nd both gave me a faint line – a faint line meaning no LH surge. I must admit, I don’t much understand that. It says that the test line needs to be AS dark, or darker than the reference line. But, for the 6 days or so that I used these sticks, I only got 2 of them with a faint test line in it. Wouldn’t it then be fair to say that I had a positive? Ah, who am I kidding, I didn’t make the damn tests, I just use them.
Now, as for my BBT – it certainly does show that I ovulated. Adding my BBT’s into the web site fertilityfriend.com, it showed a cover line of 97.4 and it says I ovulated on CD 12. You know, if I actually did ovulate on that day, as it so seems, that makes me feel… happy and nervous at the same time. Happy in the fact that I ovulated earlier this month – possibly giving me a longer luteal phase. Maybe that Vitamin B6 really does work!? Or, and I mean the big OR: I ovulated early, only to get my period earlier as well!? If the B6 hasn’t done it’s thing, and lengthened my LP, then I will in fact get my period approximately 3 or 4 days early this month!? Can you say CRAP? Hahaha
This morning when I woke up, I was in a puddle. Ok, not literally a puddle, but I was sweating something bad. My temperature was 98.3 – highest yet this month. Here’s hoping it stays that way and doesn’t do the dreaded dip below my cover line.
I should also note that Dusty and I are using something called Pre Seed. Pre Seed is the only lubricant out there that is ‘sperm friendly’. We’re willing to try anything at this point in the game, and maybe it’s just that I don’t have good quality CM (cervical mucous). Here’s what good CM does: It functions in a few ways, but a really important one is that nourishes the swimmers so they aren't killed by the big, bad, chemically dangerous vagina and can make it up into the cervix and beyond. Come on Pre Seed, work your magic.
6DPO – really no symptoms so far. Slightly sore boobies – if I push on them hard enough. It’s true, we all do it, we want them to hurt so we keep pushing on them to check, and after enough pushing, who’s boobies won’t hurt? Also, slight heartburn – but that’s all.
This month I figure I’ll only write ‘symptoms’ down IF they are different from anything I’ve experienced before. That should make for a pretty small ‘symptom’ list I imagine!?
You know, I find it a little funny the stuff all us women go through in this 2WW. We want symptoms so bad, our bodies trick us into having them. That, or we produce them ourselves by doing things like: pressing on our breasts 10 times a day to see if they hurt – causing them to hurt from so much pushing. Or squeezing our nipples to see if they hurt – HELLO, you squeeze on your nipples enough, guess what, they’re gonna hurt! Funny how that works. Next thing you know, we're gonna be sticking our fingers down our throats to see if we feel nauseous. Oh the joys of it all. Even though I just said all that, I sit here hoping to have to run to the toilet to puke. When will it end?
One more thing, I’ve decided, to change things around a bit, to not run for the 2WW. I’ll still do other cardio – but cardio that involves less bouncing, a little less gasping for air. I’ve been chatting with a friend online, her and her girlfriend are in the process of trying to get pregnant as well. She was told, by a fertility specialist, to NOT run, until she knows if her ‘bean’ will stick. BUT, for her to still continue to get exercise. I guess you can do just as much, if not more, harm to your body if you stop exercising completely. She is a runner as well, so I thought I’d listen to her specialist, since I have yet to talk to mine. Speaking of which, I’m off to do a workout. I want to keep my body healthy and ready for pregnancy – come on little ‘bean’ do your thing and implant. You hang on for 9 months, and I’ll hang onto you for the rest of your life.
Oh... to stay home and masturbate
A new day – and it was a day that started off with me being TOTALLY jealous of my husband. Why you ask? Well, let me describe his morning for you: OK, I woke him up at 5:30AM when I got our of bed, but then he just came downstairs and napped on the couch. I have my half a cup of coffee and head off to do my morning workout. When I’m done, I come upstairs, only to find Dusty napping on the couch – STILL. Poor baby. K, I have to eat and get ready for work, while Dusty lays on the couch, caught between napping and watching the news. Anyway, I head to work, and what does he do? He gets to be lazy for a bit longer, before he has to bring ‘a sample’ into the clinic – THEN go to work. So basically, my husband got to sleep in, masturbate and go to work late. HELLO – Pick me, why couldn’t I start my day like that? Though I have to tell you – to be funny, I asked my supervisor at work if I could come in late the next day so I could masturbate and she said ‘Masturbate? Sure, go for it!’
Why can't our belly buttons light up?
Well, well ladies, it’s 8DPO and no symptoms so far. Same as the other day – SLIGHTLY sore boobs, though not as much as a normal cycle. Is my body finally done playing tricks on me? Finally just going to give me ‘symptoms’ if I actually am pregnant? Or, maybe this will be the month we finally conceive – maybe the lack of symptoms, is a symptom in itself? Man, you can’t win – we have symptoms, we’re pregnant, and if we don’t have ‘symptoms’, we’re pregnant!? Where is the logic in that?
9DPO – Woke up at 2:30 AM with serious gut got/cramps/feeling nauseous. Had to get out of bed and get Pepto and some stale crackers, before climbing back into bed. Then, the gut rot kind of went away and I then had to run to the toilet thinking I was for sure going to puke – though I never did. Also, woke up drenched in sweat – so much so, the sheets under me were wet as well. ACK – not a fun night. And for some reason, my thermometer didn’t work this morning. I must have pushed a wrong button or something, so I have no idea what my temp was – too bad, with that much sweat, I was curious what it would be.
10DPO – Woke up at my usual time, 5:30AM, a little nervous to take my temperature. This time last month my temperature started to drop, then AF reared her ugly head the very next day as my temp dropped below my cover line. Well, not so – this morning my temperature was the highest it’s ever been – 98.5. Even last month, my highest was 98.3. Could this be a sign? Sure, in my head it is.
It was a little weird too, as today I was experiencing AF type cramps, only I NEVER get AF cramps until after she is already here. I think I had AF cramps before AF showed, once, about a year ago. Have also had ‘twinges’ in my lower belly. That is all so far, aside from slightly sore boobs still and a wee bit of bloating – but the sore boobs and bloating are nothing new for this time of the month.
Now I’ll move on to being terrified to take my temp, for fear that it has dropped. Last month my luteal phase was 10 days – and if I make it to Sunday with no AF (today being Friday) I think I might try taking a test. Though that’s more terrifying than taking my temp. In the entire time of TTC, I have only taken 1 or 2 pregnancy tests, both being at the Drs. I’d say that’s pretty good, considering what I’ve read about other women taking many tests, every month! If I do make it to Sunday, I’m not sure I’ll actually go through with taking a test, as AF isn’t really supposed to be here until Monday or Tuesday (if she’s her usual 24 – 25 day self). But, they say your luteal phase stays pretty much the same from month to month – meaning AF should be here tomorrow if my luteal phase is 10 days. OR, maybe that B6 really does help in lengthening it!? Again with the questions, seriously, why can’t this whole experience be easier? Like maybe our belly buttons light up like Christmas trees when we’re pregnant? Or why can’t our pee turn green when it’s finally happened? You’re laughing, but wouldn’t that be nice!?
Pushing the limit?
Alright ladies, the latest scoop on this ‘Battle to get the bulge’ – it’s currently 13 DPO, and no sign of AF coming – though really, there’s never any sign. OK, the sign would be my temp dropping, but, this morning, it was 98.3!!
OK wait, I guess I should back up a bit first – it’s been a couple days since I wrote in here.
Let’s start with Friday (11DPO) – that was the day AF should have showed, if my LP were the same as last month. Well, Friday morning came and yes, I was scared shitless to stick that damn thermometer in my mouth. But, one has to know, so in went the thermometer. Imagine to my surprise when the temp turned out to be 98.5 - the highest ever – well, highest in the 2 months of charting, but that’s got to be something, doesn’t it? I did a wee happy dance, knowing that AF was not to be coming that day – yay!
Now, Saturday comes, am I pushing my luck too much to ask for another high temperature? I’ve already by-passed the 10 day LP – please Gawd let’s go for another. In went the thermometer and crossed went my fingers. Low and behold – 98.4 – still higher than any temp from last month, OMG, is this really happening? Again, so happy – it’s either pregnancy or a longer LP, either way, good news – though I prefer the former, to the latter.
Ah, Sunday. What’s to say about Sunday? I know what I can say – man was I terrified to temp, again, only getting worse with each passing day. Well, I do my duty - with added hoping and praying. The beep came to let me know my temp is ready for reading. Now, I must say, it’s Sunday at 5:30 AM. I so don’t have to be awake, except to take my temp, but after it’s taken, you think I could stay in bed? Hell no. I mean, I had to pee anyway, so may as well read my temp while I’m there, right? My heart skips a beat and I do believe I even forgot to breathe for a minute, as I look down and see 97.9. My temperature is dropping, not a good sign. It’s still above my cover line, so not all hope is lost, but, this is what happened last month. My temp dropped one day, then further yet the next day, (to below my cover line, and that was it), game over.
I did my usual, on a weekend, and climbed back into bed with Dusty. Of course he asks how my temp is, and I reply ‘It’s starting to drop – I’m scared’. I managed to sleep for a bit longer and finally got out of bed at 7AM to start my day. I actually cried later that day, thinking my temp was going to drop again and AF would appear the next day. Dusty was sitting with me when I cried, so we kind of chatted about it a bit. He told me how frustrated he is that this isn’t working – even though we’re trying everything we know. He gets so upset when I cry. That’s why I try not too, but really, I’m a girl ß isn’t that excuse enough?
The sad feeling passed and continued on with my day. And yes, I admit, the thought of my impending AF was with me through-out the rest of the day, but I tried not to think about it too much.
Alright, we’re to where I started – 13DPO with a temp of 98.3!! Now, you can see why I might be excited? I’m seriously trying not to get excited, but I can’t help myself. I also keep telling myself that I just started charting last month, so I don’t know if 10 days was the normal length of my LP or not. Though they do say that that luteal phase will stay about the same every month.
Now – what will I do if my temp is still up tomorrow, you ask!? Good question – I’ve been going over and over that same question all day today. If I get up and my temp is still up, should I just go ahead and take a pregnancy test with my first pee? Tomorrow will be cycle day 26 - which is the longest it’s been on months and months, so if my temp is still up, I’d say there’s a good chance I’m finally preggers!? See, I just got huge butterflies in my tummy just typing that – I think if I ever find out I am pregnant, I just might puke!?
The only thing to do is wait until tomorrow and see what my temp is. If it’s higher – I might test – I might not test – as taking a test scares me. I don’t know how so many women out there can be addicted to peeing on a stick!? Not this girl, too scared of a BFN (Big Fat Negative).
Talk to you tomorrow… unless I do actually drop below cover line, then I just may not add anything in here < I find it’s getting too depressing when I do. Ah, time will tell… cross your fingers for me ladies…
PS – on a side note – my boobs yesterday and today have been SUPER sore – feel almost bruised.
Praying with everything we have that this is our month
Now, from what I’ve written, I just realized I might have caused some … hmm, cant think of the word. I guess what I mean to say is – sorry, to all those men out there reading this with their wife/girlfriend. I just noticed I always say ‘ladies’ when referring to those who might eventually read this some day – for this I apologize. I know there are many men out there who are wanting to learn as much as they can about this whole battle as well, since they too, are going through it. So a hearty ‘Keep up the good work’ goes out to all you men who know, this isn’t a one sided battle. That this whole fight must have both of you, holding hands and fighting it head on. Having each other to talk to and cry with. Being there for each other through tests, more tests, hopelessness, doubting that it will ever happen and finally, hopefully, coming out a winner in the end. Baby or no baby – you’re stronger for the struggles you have gone through. And to that, I say, and mean with everything I am, ‘Congratulations – You’ll never know who you are until you see what you can do’.
14DPO - that’s right, 14 days past ovulation!? I still can’t believe it myself. This morning my alarm clock went off and the thermometer went in, as per usual. I tucked myself as tightly into my covers as I could, wrapped them around me until I could feel a sweat coming on. ß See, in all actuality, that doesn’t help. There’s no way in a 2 minute time frame that I could heat myself up enough to change the number on the thermometer, just by wrapping the blankets around me. And yes, I’d know, as this time last month, I was doing the same thing, only for it to not work and my temp drop. The beep sounded and I jumped out of bed, doing my usual praying for a high number. Guess what? I had a high number – 98.3. That number is no higher than what it’s been in the past, BUT, it’s high enough to let me know that my period will stay away, for at least the remainder of the day. That was enough for this girl, I was a happy camper, to say the least.
I’ve officially decided that if my numbers are still high tomorrow, I will be taking a pregnancy test. Just the thought of taking that test is enough to cause some serious butterflies in my stomach. Who would have thought? I thought the hardest part was the 2WW, I was wrong. The hardest part, for me, is the actual test. It’s official, I’ve now made it further than I have in the last 17 months, and the time has come. The time to find out if our dreams have finally come true and I’m pregnant.
I still don’t have many symptoms, which is what makes me more nervous about taking the test. If I had more symptoms, I’d feel more sure about taking it. So you know, I’ve been googling ‘No symptoms & pregnant’ a lot lately. Turns out there’s many, many women out there who don’t have symptoms, especially this early in the game. I pray I am one of them.
Not too much else to say except, ‘God, let this be the end to our battle, let our prayers and dreams finally be answered’.
He’s trying to be strong for me
15DPO – Today started off nerve wracking, but continued on in a positive way. After the beep, I was so excited to see what it said I immediately jumped out of bed to go to the bathroom. Testing day – if my temps are still up, I will finally test. Well, it had dropped slightly, but, 98.0 is not my cover line, 97.4 is. So away I went to take the test. I was so nervous, I was shaking. Laid it on the counter after I was done, put on my watch and climbed back into bed. 5 minutes, an eternity, as I laid there, praying it’ll tell us what we finally want to hear. 5 minutes is up and we go check. It’s negative, a BFN (Big Fat Negative)as they say in the TTC community. Now, this result was a little depressing, but didn’t faze me too much, as my temps are still up, so I have a fighting chance still.
I’m just finishing my workout when I feel… wet down there. A sinking feeling comes over me as I’m praying, against all odds, that it’s not my period. Alas, it is. My period has arrived, yet again. Talk about confusing. I’m not supposed to get it until my temperature drops, so why do I have it now? That is the first thing that pops into my head, the next thing, an all over depression that hits me like a freight train. Again the tears come... not tears of joy that we've been so desperately praying for, but, tears of pain of yet another month gone – onto month 18.
Again, I have to stress how fabulous my husband is. Right after I got my period, I emailed work and said I was sick and not coming in, then called Dusty, crying. He knew the only thing to say was ‘Oh, honey, I’m so sorry…’. I can hear the frustration in his voice – he’s trying to be strong for me – but it still shows through. After this long trying, it’s starting to hurt him as well, more and more each time. He then calls his boss – since his boss knows all about what we’re going through - and says that I’m upset, he has to go home. He comes home and just holds me, comforts me, wipes away the tears. It’s now 10AM, and I feel a bit better, so I tell him he can go back to work. He’s not sure if he can trust me when I say I’m fine, but I insist and he goes back to work. I couldn’t possibly love him more.
That’s all I’m going to say about this period showing up. Short, sweet, a little depressing, but not too bad – I’ll try to refrain from making you guys reading this, cry as well.
Onto month 18… with our fertility clinic appointment on Saturday – today being Wednesday…
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