3rd and final IUI

Cycle day 2 of the 3rd and final IUI. As for above: short, sweet, didn't make anyone cry, but got my point across - yay me.

I called the clinic this morning and told them, on their voice mail (as today is a holiday - Thanksgiving) that it's officially cycle day 2 for me and I needed to see Dr H ASAP. Well, a couple hours later, they called me back and said to come in now, they'll squeeze me in.

I can't get this point across enough - an internal ultrasound during your period - soooo NOT sexy hahaha But hey, I'm beyond being embarrassed about the entire situation. You want to shove a vaginal probe in me, during that time, and it doesn't embarrass you, then why the heck should it embarrass me. Do what you gotta do - I'll spread my legs for you..... hehehe

I was a bit nervous for the probe to go in. I was worried that maybe I'd only have one egg, or no egg, or the worst case scenario, that I'd have cysts and this cycle would be a bust. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about.. and then some. Seems me talking to my eggs to do their thing - worked. I have 3 eggs on the right side and 5 on the other - yup, add that up, it equals 8! And I thought 5 was a huge number the first time - well, this third time sure kicks that ones butt. Dr H said, a couple times, that we're really pushing it - with the multiples factor. He asked if I was willing to take that risk, to which I replied 'Oh yeah I am'.

The protocol for this month is: starting cycle day 3 (tomorrow) I'll be doing 100mg of Clomid a day for 5 days & starting on cycle day 5, I also start doing injections of Gonal F. I think I should apologize to Dusty and Mariah now, for what I'm sure will be some unpleasant moments in the days to come. That Clomid can be a ..... bitch inducing, drug. :)

Come on 8 eggs, do your thing - let's make us a baby (or 2) this month!

3 eggs – where'd the others go?

Cycle day 9 - Went to the clinic this morning and I must say, I'm a bit bummed. I started off with 8 eggs, 7 days ago, only to end up with 3 that will be good to go. <-- I said I'm feeling a bit sad because, the first IUI we had 5 eggs, the second we had 2, and neither time did it work - why would 3 work? :) I'm such a bummer........... maybe it's the Clomid? Let me tell you, the Clomid is no fun at all. Some women (very few) are fortunate for Clomid not to affect them too much. Others, get side effects like: seriously irrational/moody, headaches, bloated <-- to which, I'm suffering all 3 - oh goody! :)

Dr H made me pee in another cartoon Dixie cup <-- I'm thinking that it's about time for them to get some real 'sample' cups for us poor women to use. We have to go through enough, let alone to have to walk down the hallway, through many other offices, carrying our cartoon Dixie cup of urine. When I got to the washroom, another woman had just gotten in there as well. Well, the look on her face when she saw my Dixie cup, was enough to force me to hurry up and pee in it, and get out of there so fast, I didn't have time to wash my hands. It was enough that she was wondering why I was carrying an empty cup in the first place, I didn't want to be the topic of conversation at her next family meal - talking about the weird girl in the bathroom with pee in a cartoon Dixie cup.

Anyways, he was testing for LH and it was a negative - which I figured it would be, considering it's only CD day 9. Though he was only worried I think, because I have one follicle that is 19mm already, so he was worried that my body would be fooled into thinking it was time to release it. Good to go................

I've become quite the actress

Cycle day 10 - And another negative on the OPK - thank goodness. I'm hoping that it's going to read positive on Thursday, and go for the IUI on Friday - come on long weekend.

You know, those of us fighting this battle, and you know who you are, we've become quite the actresses/liars. Admit it - if it came down to a competition between us or Angelina Jolie for a part, we'd kick Angelinas ass. We pretend we're fine, when we're really dying inside. We paste a smile on our faces, when we'd rather do nothing more than curl up into a ball and cry. We say 'It's no big deal' when what we really want to scream is: 'This is killing me, I'm not sure how much longer we can continue trying - HELP US!' If someone asks "How's it going with the whole getting pregnant thing?' We respond 'Oh fine, we're doing good, things are coming along' when really, things couldn't be more uncertain, you don't have a clue what's going on, you're begging God and bargaining with the devil. It's true.... sad, but true. And not only that, but we have to become liars, as well as actresses. How many of you have lied about where you're going when you had yet another ultrasound to deal with? I'll bet at least 75% of you out there, have just called in sick to work, when you had an IUI or IVF booked.

It's tough, it is. I'm not trying to be all down and depressing, I'm just stating the facts as they are. Infertility is so common, and yet such a silent battle, it's so unfair to those of us going through it. I've recently read somewhere that Infertility should be 'labeled' a disease. Maybe if it was a 'disease' maybe then more people would know about it. Maybe there would be more help and or insurance coverage for it. Maybe it wouldn't be such a silent battle. Those questions, could quite possibly never be answered, as so many questions we've faced during this fight, are.

Since I saw Dr H, I had to have another shot last night, one more tonight, and then I'm back for another ultrasound tomorrow (Cycle day 11). Oh the joys of needles, how I hate them. They don't hurt as much as they're scary. I'm a bit better with them now, I don't freak out quite as much, but, that's just me.

Come on, let's do this IUI on Friday! <-- AND, let it be the one! The ultimate one, the one that finally works and makes our dreams come true.

Oh wait - I want to show you something. I've been doing immense amounts of reading, books including:

Love and Infertility - Survival Strageties for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life - by Kristen Magnacca
Conquering Infertility - Dr Alice Domar's Mond/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility - by Alice D Domar, Ph.D
Getting Pregnant - What You Need to Know Right Now - by Niels H Lauersen, M.D, Ph.D and Colette Bouchez
The Infertility Cure - The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies - by Randine Lewis, Ph.D
How To Get Pregnant - by Sherman J. Silber, M.D
New Hope for Couples with Infertility Problems - by Theresa Foy DiGeronimo

I've taken, and passed my Fertility/Pregnancy courses, such as:

Fitness Fertility Specialist
Training for Delivery
Weight Loss After Pregnancy
Wired and Tired - Stress Management
Core Training for Pregnancy

One of the most important things I've learned, is to do with stress. Yes, being infertile makes you stressed, which in turn, makes you infertile. It's a lose, lose cycle. One of the things to do, is to get rid of those damn negative thoughts we all share, like:
"This is never going to happen"
"Why is God punishing me?"
"Why her, and not me?"

All those thoughts, in turn harm our chances of conceiving. I'll fully admit that I'm among the best at using those negative phrases - we all have, and we know they're wrong. They're truly how we feel in that moment, we can't help it. But yes, we can help it. With enough practice, we can change those negative thoughts, into something more positive. Try these:

Instead of "This is never going to happen" say "This is taking a lot longer than we thought it would, but our turn is coming"
Instead of "Why is God punishing us?" say "This is unfair, and I'm OK with that. We're not being punished for anything"
Instead of "Why her and not me?" try "I'm happy for her, which makes me sad for myself, and that's ok - I'm allowed to feel this way. It WILL happen to us and when it does, man, will that baby be loved."

When you're in the heat of the moment, say, you just got your period, it's hard to change the negative thoughts into something positive, this I know. And, if you can't change the negative to a positive, on that particular day, it's ok, just pick yourself up the next day and try again. <-- Easier said than done, again, I know all about it. I have a mantra I say to myself "This will all be worth it in the end. Once we have our baby in our arms, the struggles, the tears the hopelessness, will all be worth it".

There, my quick little self help moment de jour......... sorry, had to be done. Part of the reason of me even writing this journal is to help you out there also going through this, and if I have to add silly little self help moments, so be it, sit back and enjoy them.

You want to see my vagina - here it is

Cycle day 11 - You know, I think Dr H sees my........ bits, more than my own husband does!? I was talking to Katy at work, and telling her how it's just not embarrassing anymore. You want to see my vagina - here it is, in all it's glory hahaha You know you've had one too many internal ultrasounds when you have thoughts like that! hahaha

Anyways, yes, I had to pee in another Dixie cup - oh joy. Turns out, I'm starting to surge, so the IUI will be done tomorrow. Dr H did another internal ultrasound to see what my eggs were doing, and it turns out, I now have 4 eggs, not just 3!! Go egg go! It's funny, because I had said to Dusty, on Monday, that I hoped one more egg would sneak in there somehow. <-- We now think that that last lil egg, will be the one, the one to finally make our dreams come true.

I got the Ovidrel shot while I was at the clinic and we're booked in for tomorrow. Dusty goes in at 2PM and we both go back at 4PM. Dusty wants me to go with him while he 'donates' and I'd love to, really - I'm all over cheering on the boys! So, I think I'll take tomorrow off work. <-- See, remember when I was talking about us infertile women being liars - I told Sarrah (team lead at work) on Monday that I was leaving work early for Mariahs appointment at the Hand Clinic, when in honesty, I had an ultrasound I had to go to. For today, I said I had to take Mariah to her second appointment of the week, but really, it was another ultrasound. So, even though I could work tomorrow, I can't think of another excuse to leave work early - not without either raising suspicions or really pissing someone off. I think I'll just call in sick for tomorrow, and maybe even Friday as well <-- get as much rest and relaxation as possible - give the sperm n egg the best chance possible to do their thing!? We'll see how I feel. It's not like work is super stressful or anything - so I might just take tomorrow off, and go to work on Friday!? Time will tell....................

So <-- a quick note to my lil late egg : Do your thing little one - we're counting on you! <-- OMG, I think I've finally lost it. :O)



The 3rd IUI stats


Cycle day 13 - 1DPIUI - Count me as one of the psychotic, self-diagnosing, internet-obsessive, boob grabbing, overanalyzing gals dealing with the 2WW :) I'm only on CD 13, 1 DPIUI and already becoming more obsessive, by the minute, with analyzing every pain, twinge, cramp, etc. AND it's only going to get worse over the next 13 days! Yikes!


_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cycle day 14 - 2DPIUI - The IUI went well, same ol same ol. <-- Pretty bad when you say 'same ol, same ol' to something like getting in-sperm-inated. I'm a bit worried though, I'm trying not to be, but it's in my nature, I'm a worrier through and through. Turns out Dusty count, is WAY down. The first time it was 11,000,000, then it went to 12,000,000 but this last one, it was only 5,000,000. Not too sure how the counts can go down like that, but really, by the time sperm comes out, it's already about 3 months old. So we'd have to figure out what was going on 3 months ago, to know why the count was low. It could be just that he was sick around that time, or stressed. Or it could be just that the 'donation' was at 2PM and usually it's done first thing in the morning <-- Sperm counts are higher in the mornings. Still hoping that one little late comer egg, will be our miracle.

Oh, and you're probably all wondering how it went with Dustys 'donation'. Well, it was definitely an experience, to say the least. They call you into a wee little room, get you to sign some forms and such. Then they feel the need to tell you that saliva kills sperm <-- I guess that was a hint for me hahaha I already knew about the saliva thing, but hey, it's his job to inform, and inform he did! :) Anyways, then you're left alone in the wee room to do your thing. There's no movies, just a few magazines - and not even very good ones at that - they didn't do a thing for me LOL So, I worked my womanly...... whatever, and the deed was done - we went for something to eat after. hahaha

I've been cramping, bloating and having weird feelings in my uterus since, not sure how to explain the uterus thing, but it's definitely not the norm. <-- Maybe that's a good thing - maybe that means that this one will work!? <-- Positive thinking at it's finest!

Oh, and cuz my temps were all messed up from all the meds, the day after the IUI, which is when I should have had a higher temp, wasn't very high. Only 0.1 higher than the day before, but it was 98.0 <-- which can be a post 'O' temp, when they're not messed up. This morning it was 98.4 - so definitely indicating O, but still hoping the 98 was indicating 'O' first. I wouldn't want to 'O' 2 days after the IUI as washed sperm doesn't live as long as fresh sperm - I think they say about 24 hours!?

Ah, what can we do but sit it out and pray with everything we have that this is the magic one, and that our miracle is about to happen.


'International Make a Difference Day'


Cycle day 17 & 5DPIUI - Not too much to report - I just wanted to add a wee tid bit of info for you: The day we had the IUI done, it was 'International Make a Difference Day'. I'm hoping that Dr H followed suit and has made a difference in my day by helping to get me pregnant! :)

Also, been super bloated, crampy and wee pains/stitches ever since the IUI <-- that's never happened before.......... weird.



The pain, I just can't explain it...


Cycle day 2 - As you can see by the cycle day I'm on, our 3rd and final IUI wasn't a success. I was pretty much expecting it to be negative, since I was taking pregnancy tests at home up to and including the day of the blood test, that were all negative. But, like I've said before, that doesn't take the pain out of hearing a stranger over the phone tell me that the test was negative, yet again. In fact, this negative result was very........... devastating. As I was standing there, waiting for the woman to come back on the phone to tell me the result, I was shaking. I was pretty sure what she was going to say, but that didn't stop me from doing some last minute praying that she'd come back and surprise me with a positive result. When she came back on the phone, her words 'Unfortunately, it was a negative result....' were among the worst words I've heard in my life! I compare what I felt in that moment, to finding out (again, over the phone) that one of my best friends was killed in a car accident, by a drunk driver, or when my Gramma passed away. It was an all over feeling of loss, dread and pure hopelessness. I couldn't take it a second longer, as soon as she said 'negative', I lost it. Full on, open mouth, loud crying. Dusty had to take the phone and tell her I couldn't talk anymore. He got off the phone as soon as he could and came to me, to hold me and comfort me as I was dealing with one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I couldn't stop crying and wondering 'Why us!? After this long, after everything we've been through, after all the praying we've done, why us, is it ever going to happen......'. There is no way to prepare yourself for news like that. You go through it in your head many times before. You think about what you'd do or say if the test finally came back positive. You think about how you'll deal with it if the test is negative. Either way, I wasn't prepared nor ready to hear what I did. I cried on and off for a good couple hours. I'd just finally stop crying again, when I'd either think about it, or I'd look at Dusty, and I'd start crying all over again. Then, I had to call my Mom. When she answered the phone, I said 'Hi' to which she replied 'Soooooo...?' And that was it, I didn't talk much for the rest of the phone call. All I could do was cry, tell her how much it hurt, cry, and ask her why us. It was a very sad conversation, but I was glad she was there for me.

We're officially on our own now. We can't afford anymore IUI's and we'll never be able to afford IVF. Yes, we can still try the old fashioned way, but the odds are definitely against us - at a 5% chance each month and a 50% chance of it ever happening over a 5 year period. You try to forget the odds and think positive, but come on, after this long, and so many disappointments, it's a little hard to think positive anymore. I don't know............I don't know what more I can say - aside from 'THIS SUCKS - it's VERY unfair - why us and please God, we could use a miracle. AND, one more thing, if anyone says 'You're about to go on your honeymoon, it'll happen then', I'll slap them, honestly I will.

I'm going to call the clinic today and just see if I can get in to see Dr H one last time. I want to ask if there's anything Dusty can take to increase his sperm, as it seems to be declining. I'm also going to ask if we can at least do clomid or something - even if it only increases our odds to 6% each month, I'll take it. Yes, they suck, as I'm sure Dusty and Mariah will agree, but like I said, even if they only up our odds by 1%, I'm willing to deal with the side effects.


I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others


Cycle day 4 - I do believe this last negative test, is going to be a bit rougher to get over than any of the others. Since it was our last shot at an IUI, which would give us a much higher chance of getting pregnant, I'm finding myself...... sad, frustrated, feeling hopeless and just an overall sense of... loss, I guess would be the best word. I guess it's only natural that this 'negative' be a bit harder to take than the others, I just wasn't really expecting it to be like this. One minute I'm fine, doing my thing, the next minute, I'm fighting tears, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs about how unfair this whole situation is. I want nothing more than to make other people understand what this is like. I'm not even sure why I want people to understand this pain. Am I looking for more sympathy? More understanding? Another shoulder to cry on? Someone to vent to? I'm not sure, but there are so many clueless people out there it would make your head spin. Like this evening, I was training my clients, both of whom know all about my battle with infertility, and I shit you not, for a good 1/2 an hour, they talked about nothing but babies. They're both about to be Grammas (again, for one of them) and I can understand their excitement, but really, did they forget where they were? Were they just not thinking? Could they not see in my face that it's killing me having them talk about babies, in front of me? I was so close to crying and running out of the room - if they only knew. Babies, babies, everywhere someone is talking about babies, we can't get away from it.

OK, for all you people out there, who already have kids, think about them for a minute. Think about the day they were born, the joy and love you felt when you first laid eyes on your little baby. Think about their first smile, their first laugh - you know the laugh I'm talking about - the one where their whole body got in on it and you thought it was the cutest thing you ever saw in your life. How about your baby's first step, first word, first day of kindergarten. All the while, standing back and wondering how it is you can love someone so much, how you'd throw yourself in front of a speeding train, if it meant saving them from even just a moment of pain. Are you feeling all warm and fuzzy now? Well, imagine that being taken away from you, it was just a tease, it's not really yours. Imagine your life now, without your child/children, without that unconditional love, but wanting it more than you have ever wanted anything in your entire life!? I have 3 little words to say to you now - Welcome to infertility!

I don't know - there's so much that is unfair about this whole situation, I don't even know where to start!? The clueless people are at the top of the list. If they've never been through it themselves, they'll never truly understand, there's no way they can. Even reading this journal doesn't give them near enough of an idea of what we go through. What we have to deal with. The pain of answering the age old question of 'So, are you pregnant yet?'. The pure heartache when your period comes, right on schedule - or worse yet, a day or 2 late. I could talk about the unfairness of it all until I'm blue in the face, but only those of us suffering it, can truly understand it.

I thank God everyday for my friends, family, gorgeous daughter and my wonderful husband. Without them, there's no way I could have made it this far through. Without them, I would have given up a long time ago. Without them, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. There are many women and couples going through this battle, alone, feeling isolated, shunned and just plain not understood. For them, I want to cry. For them, my heart goes out. No one should have to face this alone, no one.

I was finally able to download a song called 'I'd Die for That' by Kellie Coffey. I had heard about it before, but wasn't able to find it. It's a song all about infertility and man, did it make me cry. I know I'm not alone in this battle, that there are many, many others out there going through the same thing, but sometimes, you still feel alone. You feel alone because no one you personally know is going through it. You feel alone because everyone you know is getting pregnant. You feel alone because there's no way to describe to someone on the outside, the pain you feel on the inside. You know how a song can have a special meaning to you? Like the song from back in your high school days that reminds you of a certain crush you had. Or you wedding song, that reminds you of that very special day when you and your husband finally became one. Well, this song, 'I'd Die for That' will now remind me of this battle. It'll remind me of a point in my life, when I stood, trembling on the brink of choices so enormous that I could hardly breathe. It'll remind me to not take anything for granted, even the small things, for you don't know when they'll be gone. And I will know, that through it all, even though I felt alone, that I was actually surrounded by love and support. And I'll know, that if we can make it through that, we can make it through anything, together.

Some words from my friend, Bre:

I'm so sorry for the heartache this whole thing has caused you. If I could take on your pain and suffering through all this, I would if only to relieve you of it for a moment. You guys have been through a lot, and you've seemed pretty strong through the whole thing...and you are strong. Your strength has inspired so many people, and I hope you know that. I know that saying this does nothing for the situation, but I guess I just wanted you to know that even though you may not feel strong, you are and you have a world of love around you. Again, things that don't really help, but hopefully it will at least put a warm fuzzy feeling inside of you. You guys make such a great couple, and I hope to have what you have one day. I hope none of what I've said pisses you off and makes you want to slap me... :) I love you mucho, and I imagine your sense of loss and am trying to understand how it feels, but of course do not....but know that I am here for whatever you need me to be...a listening ear, entertainment, comic relief, distraction, love, comfort...you name it and it's yours.

Wow, I know I don't know how you feel at all, but I understand that it must be very difficult and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not really sure what other options you guys are thinking about and if money is the main thing standing in the way, but I think you should keep trying. If I could give you a baby I would, and maybe I still can one day? You are one of the only people I would even consider carrying a child for... :) I'm sorry, I don't know if this stuff makes you feel better or worse...whatever you do Shawna, don't blame yourself. Dusty loves you and having you is already a gift to him. I love you so much and want you guys to be happy....xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxx

See, that’s why I thank God everyday for my friends. I’m a lucky person to have friends like that!

And, I’m one of the only people she’d consider carrying a baby for!? Just her saying those words, are enough to bring tears to my eyes, to know that I’m loved so much that someone is willing to do that for me – there aren’t enough words to describe what that means to me.

Words from my best friend, up North:

‘Shawna, whatever you do, don’t give up. I don’t feel it’s over for you guys yet. I’m not sure if that means you’re going to get pregnant, or someone is going to give you a baby, but either way, I don’t feel it’s over…’

I really hope she’s right, I do. That’s the funny thing about fighting the infertility battle, when I first started out, before I even knew what the word ‘Infertility’ meant, I wanted one baby. Now, on the other hand, I want as many as I can get. If I got pregnant and someone wanted to give me their baby as well, I’d be one happy camper. The more the merrier.


It hurts, it really does

Cycle day 16 - Last week Dusty and I were heading to acupuncture, as usual. As soon as we parked, it dawned on me that they were going to ask how out IUI went. It was in that moment, that I dreaded going, for the first time ever. I thought I was doing pretty good that week, turns out, I was wrong. Just the thought of my acupuncturist saying 'So, how did it go - do you have good news for us?' made me want to run for the hills. It's not just that, but I also knew that she'd then say 'And how does that make you feel?' or 'How do you feel about that?'. Those, in my opinion, are the stupidest questions, ever. That's like asking someone who just got diagnosed with cancer, how they feel about it. How do they think I'd feel about it? Seriously, is it something they truly have to ask?

We ended up being an hour early for your appt - to which we took awhile to figure out if we just wanted to cancel and come again at our scheduled time next week. We finally decided to go for a walk, but as soon as I stepped outside, I started crying. Dusty held my hand and brought me to the car - then leaned over, hugged me and asked, 'Is it because they were going to ask you how the IUI went?'. Such a smart husband I have. He gave me another hug, then I asked him to go inside and cancel our appointment and explain that I was just too upset to go.

See, that's the thing about this.... struggle. It doesn't just affect part of your life, it affects it all. I have to tell virtual strangers about very personal and emotional things in my life, and then deal with the stupid questions that follow. I think when we go again tomorrow, I'll tell her that it didn't work and please don’t ask how I feel about it or how stressed I am because of it. It didn't work, end of story, now let's get to working on me so I can get pregnant. Friends, family.. sure, I can talk about it without crying now, but strangers, people who don't have a clue what it's like? Nope, not ready .....

I've also been asked a couple of times now about maybe going public with our battle. Getting my journal out there and maybe a newspaper write up or something. When it was first suggested to me, I flat out said 'Hell no, I don't need the entire world knowing about my personal life.' Since then, however, I am considering it. If I want my journal published, the world is going to know anyways, so why not. And besides, if it helps just one other woman, to me, it'll be worth it. What I'm going to do is send out just a small part (maybe a couple paragraphs) of this journal and ask about them maybe doing an article on Infertility. I'm sure Dr H would be all over getting in on it too. I know how unfair he thinks it is that there's no coverage for fertility treatments, and how he'd love to get the word out. We'll see what people say about my suggestion - I'll have to add the fact that it affects 1 in 6 couples, emphasize how common, yet silent, it is.

Oh, I should also mention, that I sent Bre little segments of my journal (though she's read it all), and asked her if she'd be interested in 'writing' a song for our battle. I picked out the sentences/phrases that I thought were the most.... relevant, etc. She said it's a fabulous idea and when she comes home in 3 weeks, she's going to bring her guitar over and we'll work on a song. <-- She's such a sweetie and I can't wait to see what she comes up with.

One more thing. There's a woman at work, Theresa, who knew about our first IUI (as I pretty much told the entire office, I was so excited). Anyways, after that one didn't work, she didn't much ask too many questions, though I could always tell she wanted to. Well, I ended up talking to her the other day. Told her the last IUI didn't work, the stuff we've been through, and what we have to go through now, and I must say, for someone who hasn't experienced infertility herself, she's remarkably helpful and easy to talk to about the subject. I was impressed. She didn't offer lame advice or anything, in fact, just me talking to her, brought tears to her eyes, I could tell she was hurting for us. It was sweet. So you just never know who will end up being on your side and a shoulder to cry on - can turn out to be someone you never thought would understand. Theresa was also one of the people suggesting I go public, and to start a 'trust fund' for people to donate to, so maybe some day we can afford a round of IVF. Time will tell.......................



She gets 2, and I still don't even have 1?



Cycle day 17 – 3 DPO – Well, here I sit, at work, wishing I were anywhere but here. Not that that is an unusual feeling of mine – I quite frequently wish I wasn’t here. But, I just found out, my friend Christina, the pregnant one, just told me she’s having twins. TWINS!? She gets 2 and I still get none. Where is the fairness in that? Oh how I wish I didn’t train tonight, I’d just go home and drink. She apologizes for telling me through email, but she didn’t know when or where else to tell me, and she didn’t want me to hear it from her friends Mom, my client. I appreciate her telling me before my client did, but it still hurts. She had originally said that she’s sending me an email to my home address, as the news from her tests might upset me and she didn’t want to do that to me at work. But, I guessed it was twins and told her if it was that, that she can tell me. I’d be a bit more jealous, but that I could deal with it. Turns out, I’m not ‘dealing’ with it like I thought I would. As soon as I read the words on my computer screen, my heart started beating a bit faster (as it does when I get upset) and I just wanted to go home and cry.

It’s so unfair that I even have these feelings in the first place. I should be proud and happy for my friend that she’s pregnant and expecting twins – but I’m not – not at all. I’m jealous, I’m angry that it still hasn’t happened for us, I’m sad because it brings up the struggle we’ve been fighting for the past 2 years and I’m frustrated, because it feels like it’ll never happen for us.

I’ll be fine in a couple days, but today, I’m not and I’m not afraid to say so. Christina was telling me to laugh at her, because she kept wishing twins and triplets on me when we were going through our fertility treatments and now she’s the one having twins. I wasn’t afraid to tell her that I’m in no mood to laugh right now, that it’s going to take me a day or 2 to get over this.

So unfair what this whole battle does to a person/couple. Not much more to say………..



Her too?

I sit here writing this through a haze of tears - I'm so tired of all the tears!! I want to know when it's going to be our turn at all this happiness that everyone else is experiencing. I don't know how much more a person can take. 2 days ago I found out that Christina, the pregnant friend, is actually expecting twins, and today, I just found out that my other friend at work, Katy, is now pregnant as well. It hurts me so bad, there aren't enough words to describe the pain I feel right now. Infertility is a very selfish battle and I find it very hard, if not impossible, to feel happy for those experiencing now, what I'd die to have myself. It's just so unfair that we have to go through hell trying for what they get so easily. It brings up all our 'failures' and the fact that, 2 years later, all we have to show for our battle is debt, sadness and tears.


Shitty, shitty November


Alright, indulge me for a minute, I’m about to outline a pretty shitty month for a couple fighting infertility

November :

~ Find out our 3rd and final IUI didn’t work
~ 2 weeks later, find out that my friend who’s pregnant, is actually expecting twins
~ 2 short days after that, I find out my only friend here at work, is now pregnant as well
~ And yet another 4 days later I find out that my lesbian friends, found out they’re pregnant too
~ And again, 4 days later, I get my period, putting us at over 2 years of trying now.

Can you say depressing? Man this month has been awful. I’m surprised I have any tears left!!

I was really hoping to join in on the pregnancy fun that everyone seemed to be starting, but it seems, someone has a different plan for me. I’m kinda sick of that ‘someone’s other plans for me’. I’m ready to join the masses, get pregnant and end my journal – send it out to all who want to read it. Let them know they’re not alone, and show them that this stupid … battle, can be won! I’m all for being the face of infertility and proving, that no matter what the Drs tell you, they don’t know all. They can be wrong, and have been wrong before.

Speaking of which, a lot has also been going on as well. I had a friend suggest seeing a Naturopath to see if we can maybe get some help that way. So, Dusty and I went and talked to 2 different ones, as we wanted to make sure we shopped around and felt comfortable with one, if we chose to go that route. We saw 2 very knowledgeable, women Naturopaths, who talked to us about what they do, about dealing with infertility, and offering us possible things they’d do.

I’ve been contemplating it over and over on weather to go ahead and try this as well. After all the things we’ve been through, why would this work. And, to top it off, this is to be paid, out of pocket. Not a cheap thing to do, since the first appointment alone, is $120.00 per person. Then you can add on top of that, the $90.00 per person for the follow up appointment, and any other appointment as well, PLUS, any herbs or vitamins they suggest.

We’re still trying to pay off the $4000.00 worth of treatments at the fertility clinic, and to add this, as well. At first I thought, yeah, let’s do it, it certainly can’t hurt. Now, I’ve also been thinking about switching to an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility, and they’re way more expensive as well. Money, money, everywhere we turn, someone is asking for more money, when we ask for help. It’s so unfair. So many people out there can get pregnant easily or at least within a year, and don’t need help. Us, fighting infertility, have to keep on fighting and fighting, trying not to give up and handing out money every where we turn. If this stuff was all covered by medical, I’d be all over trying everything we can. Because it’s not covered, we have to weigh our options and decide what we can and can’t afford, and right now, that’s not a lot.

I don’t know. Our medical covers acupuncture and a Naturopath, both at 80% but only to a maximum of $300 per year, and let me tell you, that doesn’t cover very much. My first appointment with the new acupuncturist, is going to cost me $115.00, and $70.00 each and every time after that. In medical terms, about a months worth. Same with the Naturopath, 80% to a maximum of $300.00 per year. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s great that they cover at least some of it, but $300 – can’t buy you much. So maybe, what we should do, is I’ll go to the expensive acupuncturist and Dusty and I should go see a Naturothapth, but only until our $300.00 is up, and stop after that – meaning again, about a month. ç Better than nothing I guess.

We’re a bit worried. One of the Naturopaths we talked to was saying that she’d put us both on a 80 -90 cleanse – and one of the things she said wouldn’t be in it – gluten!? Are you fuckin kidding me? Gluten is in everything, and you want me to eliminate it out of my diet. So, not only do I have to fight this horrible battle, but now we’d have to be reminded of it each and every time we eat, because we hate what we’re eating? Wow – where do we draw the line?

Also, we had another appointment with Dr H last night. That one too, as you can probably guess, was depressing. We talked about how the IUI’s went, and how disappointing it was that none of them worked. I asked about maybe starting Clomid for a couple months, just to feel I’m doing something. He said he’d be more than willing to do that for me, however, Clomid does have it’s side effects, including: not as good quality of eggs and thinning of the lining – not to mention the Clomid rage I get. He said it would be ideal for us to do a round of IVF, however, we just can’t see ever being able to afford that! $10,000 and there’s a 50% chance that it’ll work. Now, 50% is a WAY better chance than out 5% now, but, for $10,000 it’s not that great of odds. I told him, if he could guarantee me to get pregnant, I’d have that $10,000 for him tomorrow. He also said, of course, that we still have a chance to get pregnant on our own – this time though, he said a 20% chance of it happening over a 5 year period. 20%!? What the fuck – pardon my French. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that he said a 50% chance, and now it’s down to 20!? How the hell did that happen? Man, Drs have a way of totally depressing a person.

I started asking about what we can do for Dustys sperm, since it seems to vary so much. He looked at the charts and said that yes, Dusty sperm does vary a lot and there are vitamins/supplements that have been shown to help. ç He has his own ‘blend’ made up for the fertility clinic and it’s going to cost about $75.00 per month, but he suggests to try it for the next 3 months, to see if that makes a difference. He thinks that our problems might be more sperm related than we originally thought. That’s when I told him about Dustys ex-girlfriend. They were together for 3 years, and didn’t use birth control, and she never got pregnant – but has had kids since.

Dustys going to try the sperm blend, I like to call it, for the next 3 months, and pray that it helps. What he does today, could get me pregnant on our honeymoon in February – and I’m all for that!

Here’s a lil something, something for you. I’m sitting here at work typing this when I get an email titled ‘Newest addition’ How’s that for a slap in the face at work – great, send around pictures of babies, when I’m fighting so hard just to get pregnant – fab-u-fuckin-lous! I know, I know, they don’t know I’m fighting this, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s times like these – that I want to send out my entire journal to be read by all at work. That way, they have no excuses of sending me shit like that, or the upcoming talking to Katy, behind me, about her upcoming baby. I’m terrified for when I get back from our honeymoon, when I’ll have to sit here and listen to people congratulate her and talk to her about being pregnant.

Anyways, that’s the skinny on what’s going on since I last wrote. A horribly shitty month indeed and I hope that’s the end of it. Let’s move onto some good news for a change, news that will make me smile, not cry.

Oh, one more thing. I actually thought we had a chance to join in the pregnancy fun this month. I’m on absolutely NO meds, I refuse to do the progesterone anymore – no more having a stranger over the phone tell me I’m not pregnant! Anyways, because I’m not taking it, I expect my luteal phase to be about 10 – 12 days tops. Well, come 13DPO – my temp was still up. I was excited and took a pregnancy test, which, confusingly, turned negative. Well, I didn’t think too much about it, was confused, but carried on. A couple hours later, after going to the bathroom, I notice spotting. As everyone out there, trying to get pregnant, knows, we pray that it’s what they call implantation spotting – as I also seemed to have had a ‘implantation dip’ as well – at 6DPO. Ahhh, it was not meant to be, again. Within 2 hours of that, the bitch was here, full force, almost bringing me to my knees with the cramps and back pain. So sad……

If it weren't for my friends..


I have to add a couple words from friends here, I’m sure you’ll see, my friends kick ass, and, can even make me giggle on days I’d rather cry…

Bre:

I'm sorry to hear about this sequence of hard news. Especially hard for you I know as this subject never leaves your mind. Every piece seems like a direct hit to you I'm sure, but it is not so. Of course it feels that way but like all terrible feelings, it too will eventually pass and you will feel your lovely, warm giggly self again. Maybe this is the perfect time for a vacation no? :) Of course, you can never put a time frame to when you'll feel yourself again and there is no hurry because it is really not something that you can be expected to "suck up". What you've been through is probably one of the hardest things anyone has ever had to face. I am thinking of you always and how hard it has been wishing that anything I said or did could make you feel even a shade better and brighter. I love you, but I know that's not enough sometimes. How can I help you my dear friend? Tell me what you need from me and I will do my veryberrybestest to give it to you!

I can call you? Do you want a phone call filled with Bre-love? If you text me I can call you pronto...***-***-****....day or night....I'm almost always awake....I can listen, sing to you, play for you, yell at you (some people are into that), tell you terrible jokes, describe what I had for dinner, watch TV and give you a play-by-play, talk to you about stupid America, tell you all about the magic that is a beer brewery, tell what color I want to paint my toenails....any of these things appealing???

Be strong lady. You are my hero.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Love, love, love, me.

Katy:

I did a bit of a naked fertility dance last night in the shower, but I will make Nick do a full on naked fertility dance tonight ;) There will be things jiggling on me that should not jiggle, but it will be worth it!

And a story she told me, to try to cheer me up:

Ok, poop and alpha ghetties – It’s about Nicks brother C when he was still in diapers, but big enough to sit up and play around. Steve (their dad) was home by himself with C and he went to check on him as C was having his nap. Steve walked in, and found that C had taken off his diaper and decided that the raisin like poop looked tasty. He had poop all over his face, hands, the crib, his clothes…and then all in his mouth and plastered to the few teeth he had. Steve cleaned up his hands, changed his clothes but didn’t know what to do to get the pooh out of his mouth. Rose comes in the door not long after to find C in his high chair and Steve shoveling alpha ghetties down his throat, cringing away looking like he was going to throw up. I don’t know how in the end they got the poop out, but now we get to call C a shit eater :D

Still from Katy:

Hey
Don’t even think about how I feel about this, I completely understand that this is hard for you and I don’t expect you to be all buddy buddy with me. I will do whatever I can to make this easier for you and I understand that you might not want to talk to me or even turn around and look at me, I wont take it personally so don’t worry. I will definitely hold off on telling people at work until you are away on your cruise, I'll tell them the first day you are gone so they get it all out of their system. I still have my hopes that it won’t come to that, that you will be pregnant soon and we will be able to go through this together. I hate that you have to go through this and it hurts knowing that you are going through so much pain. This is definitely one of the shittiest things to go through and I want you to be ok. It took me awhile to write back to you, I didn’t know what to say at first. I had a cry because on one hand I'm excited for myself, but then I am so sad for you and I wish I could make this happen for you, I wish there was something I could do for you. You said infertility is a selfish thing, but it’s ok to be selfish because of what you have gone through. If you don’t want to talk to me, just don’t and I will understand, I will be here to talk if/when you are ready and I will wait for you to start the talk because I don’t want to pressure you into dealing with talking to me when you aren’t ready.

From Corrina:

Sorry you had a ruff weekend hunny : ( If we lived closer I would have helped you drown sorrows for sure! We would make fun of other people for a while, then lip off some people that can't understand English for a bit, go out on a rediculously expensive and indulging dinner date, followed by too much wine and some dancing, act like silly lesbos in public, then spoon the night away... the next day we'd feel bad about it all, laugh at the funny moments cuz I would be making you laugh the whole time, then you would repay me by making me slave and yell at me to work it!!! at the gym... lets pretend that all just happened...

xoxoxox - throwing happy thoughts at you right now... muuaahhh!!

I can’t ever say, with enough words, how much my friends have meant to me through-out this entire process. Without them, well, I don’t even want to think about that.

Ok, how about this. I won't write in here again, til I can say something funny, tell a funny story and tell some good news? Sorry for the depressing last few entries, but hey, they come with the territory - we're doing the best with what we've been dealt. But, I WILL have some good news or a funny story next time, that is my promise. :)